learningtofly

Last week the man that I had an affair with (but is no longer) contacted me saying he was going to commit suicide. I notified a suicide hotline number and also his brother and roommate. After doing that I said I was going to have no contact with him.

Well 2 days after that happened he sent me a text apologizing and saying he was sorry and that he really needed to deal with some of his issues. I responded and told him I wasn't mad at him but felt as though he really needed to get some help for depression. Then I told him to take care and then I ended the conversation.

I had an affair with this other man for about a year. I came to love him and it was really hard to end the relationship with him to work on my marriage with my AH. AH has been clean now for about 5 months but there is still a lot of damage to try and work through . . . it is a struggle.

So now I feel as though I have had a setback. That I am struggling with no contact again with the other man. I can't help but to wonder how he is, if he is still alive and just thinking about him in general.

Now I can't help but to wonder if my codependency had something to do with the other man too. I didn't feel that I was caretaking, but maybe somehow I was. It scares me to think that I was in some way and still can't recognize it.

I felt that he was very intelligent and actually showed me a lot of things and was intellectually stimulating. I felt that he was leading the relationship whereas in many of my other relationships it was me always "doing" everything. Or that’s what I felt anyways.

I know there are a lot of lessons here and I am looking at this all with eyes wide open, but feeling a little down at the same time. I want to continue learning and absorbing from my life, but sometimes I wish all the lessons didn't have to be so painful!