lilac0721

In and out and off an on the wagon. I hate myself right now. I eat terrible crap when I drink (lots of junk food, more food than I actually need). I've barely exercised in the past three weeks, feel anxious all the time and so I've been drowning it with heavy doses of vodka each day.

So I aspire to be a healthy person, but I am ruining it. I am a good 15lbs over my normal weight and have been for a long while. Every time I start to do well - eating healthy foods, exercising regularly and not drinking - I fall off the wagon after a few weeks. Like something snaps in me. I don't know.

Right now it's just a struggle to not go buy a bottle. I don't want to be sober. But I really don't want to keep doing this to myself, either. That's why I am back here on SR. I need support. I can do this, right?

Hooped

Yes.
You can do it.

Healthyfood

lilac0721

For me this short time pleasure comes with weeks of non stop drinking.

Booze will be empty and so my head. Why start then? Its easier to stay sober than restart again day 1.

langkah

You can most certainly decide to not go out and buy a bottle, and I strongly support you in making that decision.

IndaMiricale

You sure can do this

Keep coming here and look into getting f2f support

wichitaks

lilac.. I am the same way in regards to the eating right, exercise and not drinking.. I usually go 2-3 weeks without drinking while working out 4-5 days a week and eating right only to "reward" myself by going out and getting black out drunk. I made it 30 days this last time and felt the best physically and emotionally I've felt in the last year...only to go out and blow a ton of money on booze with nothing to show for it besides anxiety... depression and self hate... Why do we do this to ourselves all while knowing what the outcome is going to be. I want this to be my last day one post forever.... Good luck to you in your fight as well

loudog430

My career in drinkinh in a nutshell. We humans are funny beings.

lilac0721

Thank you everyone. I am glad that I checked in. It really does help to know that this cycle is not unique to me.

Ahab

Not unique at all. Promise to keep coming back and so will I.

stepping

Not unique at all lilac. I hear you loud and clear! And yes you can do this! WE can all do this TOGETHER! Keep posting

nonblondechef

Good job, all - keep the faith and stay on the path!

least

i used to think i was doomed to fail but now have over two years sober. never give up. never.

Hevyn

Of course you can do it lilac. Maybe falling off the wagon served a purpose - you're disgusted by what happened & you're ready to start fresh. Let's go!

Dee74

welcome back Lilac

what have you been doing to stay sober up til now?

D

DarrenW

I know you can do it. Are you doing any reading, etc?

lilac0721

Good morning everyone. It was a rough night last night. I cried a lot. My husband was out of town. I confessed to him via email/text message about what I'd been doing in the past month. He knew, but I don't think he realized just how desperate I've felt nor did he realize quite how much poison I'd been pouring into my body.

He loves me and will do anything to help me. Including not drinking himself (which he doesn't do at home anymore anyway and rarely goes to bars).

That's reassuring. So is checking in here. Today I am terrified of facing work (and I work for myself, how pathetic) and life in general.

doggonecarl

Not wanting to be sober. That's problematic. In a majority of the success stories I read about here on SR, wanting it, REALLY wanting to be sober was key.

I suggest you do a lot of reflection on your past drinking. If you are honest about the chaos and misery that drinking is causing you, maybe you can tip the scales in favor of wanting to be sober this time.

lilac0721

Oh, and Dee wisely asked (as he asks all of us who keep falling back into our old habits) what I had been doing to stay sober. In the past few months, it was striving for a healthier life, physically and spiritually. I was going to the gym most days and eating healthy foods and taking supplements to rebuild my body. I was meditating periodically and reading spiritual books.

I was doing ok, but not great. I'd go for 5-7 days without a drink and then would think it'd be okay for just this one day. Which usually turned into 2-3 days.

The day I lost it this last time I had been getting to the gym each morning at 6am, was busy with work (work gives me lots of anxiety) and trying to get to AA meetings which are at noon. So I was rushing each and every day to get things done. One day I didn't get out of a hearing until after noon, and was completely exhausted by clients and running around and being told in meetings that nothing should be more important than meetings and barely being able to get to them because of court schedule and - BAM! I crashed.

I went home from that way-too-long morning in court, cried, and proceeded to drink the rest of the afternoon. And every time I sober up a little I get a pit in my stomach thinking about work and how stressful it is - all the while being told I;m so good at it - I feel like I am barely hanging on and in spite of knowing that alcohol will only make my losing it feeling worse, I do it anyway to block out the gnawing pit of dread in my stomach.

New plan? Get back to exercising. Make it a priority. Does wonders for my frame of mind. Read Rational Recovery again. The ideas in that book make a lot of sense. AA meetings, I'm not so sure. I often end up feeling more pressure from the fellowship and more desire to drink. Maybe. Tell my husband how I am really feeling. Journal more frequently. And meditate daily. And check in here regularly.

Before doing anything, I will ask myself if this action/choice/food/whatever is nourishing to my body/mind/soul.

loudog430

Is there any chance you can cut back on your work for a little bit, even if it requires a slight pay cut? Live frugally for a bit while you recover, and once you have a month or two under your belt, you can start to tackle more cases.

If you continue to feel you can't handle work under that much stress, it may be time to look for a new career, even if it is less paying. Discuss with your husband some options if yall can support living an easier, less lavish but stress free life.

ElegantlyWasted

I have had similar experiences. I would dry out for about a month, exercise, eat well and start to feel really well in general. Then I would question whether or not I was really a problem drinker or not. I would start drinking again, I could moderate reasonably well at first, then It would get progressively worse. Maybe try some kind of different strategy this time? What do you think triggers you to go back after three weeks? Wishing you the best.