Arguments during recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17
Arguments during recovery
Howdy all,
So my man and I have just started out in the full relationship after a year sabbatical due to his incarceration and rehab for his 3rd DUI. He was going to be in a halfway house for 3 months, but was removed after 2 weeks for abusing cough medicine. I asked him what brought on the medicine, and he said his anxiety was really bad. I got angry, and asked him why he didn't talk to me about it, cause cough medicine can make anxiety a whole lot worse. I have anxiety, panic, insomnia, and ocd. I go to therapy, read self help books, and take supplements to lessen my anxiety (im med resisitant
). He knows all of this, and that I could have helped him, but instead he turned to self medicating, thinking he wouldn't get caught for the cough medicine.
We have been arguing so much lately. In turn, they get resolved within a few hours, but they have been very painful, because he talks down to me, and has thrown my own addiction in my face.
I was addicted to cigarettes, I'd chain smoke 2 packs a day and took 10 years and 20 tries to finally quit. Its a huge deal to me, and since he hadn't been able to smoke at the rehab, I asked that he not pick it back up once released. He ignored my request, and said he already had to give up alcohol and drugs. When he came home it appeared that he hadn't been smoking, and he told me he did quit. 3 weeks later, I find dip in his pocket. He claims that I was being completely irrational and that he did quit smoking, he just substituted with dip.
During this big blow up of his not telling me he simply substituted, he pulled out a cigar (A pack that I bought him, for an occasional enjoyment 3 days ago, I know stupid of me. That fueled even more arguing, I am hypocritical to be ok with his occasional cigar usage) and found he had smoked them all (2 weeks to use my rear) as well and was on the last bit and that I stressed him out and he was leaving the situation to smoke. I dont know how to take this. I understand he is in pain and his anxiety, but how the **** do you throw my own struggle in my face, when I'm doing everything I can to help him survive his. I felt like I was slapped.
We have so many life problems right now that don't help. He can't drive, has no job, and has to start from nothing. I was laid off 3 months ago, and am also starting from the bottom with health problems on top of it. We both have to depend on our parents right now to start over, and that brings on more insecurity. We are in our 30's and figured we'd be on our feet rather than stuck. He wants me to be in his life at all times as if we lived together, and I want to pace it. I find myself giving in, which makes my anxiety worse, because I want him to be happy, and less likely to run back to his bad habits.
He is constantly on a stimulant. He drinks a whole pot of coffee, eats tons of sugar and candy, and is on nicotine, and of course physical stuff too
I know these are the lesser of the evils, but to me its just substitution rather than overcoming the addiction. During our fight he told me that he could look himself in the mirror for what he is now, and if I didn't accept that, to bad. He said he wants so badly to turn to the bottle, pot, or lsd, but he is trying not to. I see he hasn't, but he is turning to other things, and that's what scares me. What happens when something really bad goes down like a death of a family member. Right now our stress is job related and learning how to argue our differences without flying off the handle.
Any thoughts? Btw, he has not gone to any meetings since he left the halfway house 2 weeks ago, nor has he sought any form of counseling. He spends his day job hunting, playing his guitar, watching tv, or pursuing me.
Is this normal for new recoveries or is this big red flags?
So my man and I have just started out in the full relationship after a year sabbatical due to his incarceration and rehab for his 3rd DUI. He was going to be in a halfway house for 3 months, but was removed after 2 weeks for abusing cough medicine. I asked him what brought on the medicine, and he said his anxiety was really bad. I got angry, and asked him why he didn't talk to me about it, cause cough medicine can make anxiety a whole lot worse. I have anxiety, panic, insomnia, and ocd. I go to therapy, read self help books, and take supplements to lessen my anxiety (im med resisitant
). He knows all of this, and that I could have helped him, but instead he turned to self medicating, thinking he wouldn't get caught for the cough medicine. We have been arguing so much lately. In turn, they get resolved within a few hours, but they have been very painful, because he talks down to me, and has thrown my own addiction in my face.
I was addicted to cigarettes, I'd chain smoke 2 packs a day and took 10 years and 20 tries to finally quit. Its a huge deal to me, and since he hadn't been able to smoke at the rehab, I asked that he not pick it back up once released. He ignored my request, and said he already had to give up alcohol and drugs. When he came home it appeared that he hadn't been smoking, and he told me he did quit. 3 weeks later, I find dip in his pocket. He claims that I was being completely irrational and that he did quit smoking, he just substituted with dip.
During this big blow up of his not telling me he simply substituted, he pulled out a cigar (A pack that I bought him, for an occasional enjoyment 3 days ago, I know stupid of me. That fueled even more arguing, I am hypocritical to be ok with his occasional cigar usage) and found he had smoked them all (2 weeks to use my rear) as well and was on the last bit and that I stressed him out and he was leaving the situation to smoke. I dont know how to take this. I understand he is in pain and his anxiety, but how the **** do you throw my own struggle in my face, when I'm doing everything I can to help him survive his. I felt like I was slapped.
We have so many life problems right now that don't help. He can't drive, has no job, and has to start from nothing. I was laid off 3 months ago, and am also starting from the bottom with health problems on top of it. We both have to depend on our parents right now to start over, and that brings on more insecurity. We are in our 30's and figured we'd be on our feet rather than stuck. He wants me to be in his life at all times as if we lived together, and I want to pace it. I find myself giving in, which makes my anxiety worse, because I want him to be happy, and less likely to run back to his bad habits.
He is constantly on a stimulant. He drinks a whole pot of coffee, eats tons of sugar and candy, and is on nicotine, and of course physical stuff too
I know these are the lesser of the evils, but to me its just substitution rather than overcoming the addiction. During our fight he told me that he could look himself in the mirror for what he is now, and if I didn't accept that, to bad. He said he wants so badly to turn to the bottle, pot, or lsd, but he is trying not to. I see he hasn't, but he is turning to other things, and that's what scares me. What happens when something really bad goes down like a death of a family member. Right now our stress is job related and learning how to argue our differences without flying off the handle.
Any thoughts? Btw, he has not gone to any meetings since he left the halfway house 2 weeks ago, nor has he sought any form of counseling. He spends his day job hunting, playing his guitar, watching tv, or pursuing me.
Is this normal for new recoveries or is this big red flags?
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Hello. 
I understand this is painful and hard. Your situation sounds like a huge roller coaster that you seem to be stuck on. I am sorry for this. First and foremost congratulations on your accomplishment of quitting smoking. I understand how rough that is; I just hit my seventh day cigarette free myself. One thing I had to learn the hard way in my experience is that despite how bad I wanted him to remain sober it is initially up to him. The principles I have learned to live by and am still trying to get a handle on is that you did not cause this, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. The only thing you can control is you and your actions.
What is acceptable in and around your life? You can only control you, and cannot expect or requiring anyone to change to meet those expectations. If you don’t like what is going on what is your course of action to change yourself or your surroundings to make you happy?
From the sound of what he has been saying is that he is not ready to quit, and that he is only doing this “dry” period to make you happy. If he is not truly ready to quit the likelihood of him remaining stopped is highly unlikely. That goes for any addiction including tobacco. He has to take charge of his addictions. They are his to own, not yours. Let him make his choices on how he chooses to live with or without those addictions despite if it is not the way you wish he would choose.
I suggest you read the stickies at the top of the forum. There is a lot of insight there. Al-Anon is another great place that will help you make healthy boundaries for yourself.
Keep posting here. We are here with you.
I understand this is painful and hard. Your situation sounds like a huge roller coaster that you seem to be stuck on. I am sorry for this. First and foremost congratulations on your accomplishment of quitting smoking. I understand how rough that is; I just hit my seventh day cigarette free myself. One thing I had to learn the hard way in my experience is that despite how bad I wanted him to remain sober it is initially up to him. The principles I have learned to live by and am still trying to get a handle on is that you did not cause this, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. The only thing you can control is you and your actions.
What is acceptable in and around your life? You can only control you, and cannot expect or requiring anyone to change to meet those expectations. If you don’t like what is going on what is your course of action to change yourself or your surroundings to make you happy?
From the sound of what he has been saying is that he is not ready to quit, and that he is only doing this “dry” period to make you happy. If he is not truly ready to quit the likelihood of him remaining stopped is highly unlikely. That goes for any addiction including tobacco. He has to take charge of his addictions. They are his to own, not yours. Let him make his choices on how he chooses to live with or without those addictions despite if it is not the way you wish he would choose.
I suggest you read the stickies at the top of the forum. There is a lot of insight there. Al-Anon is another great place that will help you make healthy boundaries for yourself.
Keep posting here. We are here with you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Have you heard about the 3 C's of addiction?
You did not Cause it
You can not Control it
You will not Cure it
Just as your addiction and recovery from cigarettes belongs to you - his addictive habits and recovery belong to him.
You are not powerful enough to cause him to use or recover from his addictive habits. That job belongs to him, treatment professionals and support groups.
There is a big difference between sober and recovering. Your bf was forced into sobriety due to incarceration. He is displaying all the ism's of his addiction and needs to seek recovery to overcome the blame-shifting, minimizing, denial, lies and etc.
Your desire to make things peaceful so he won't react is a sign of codependency. Codependency is when we try to control anothers actions with our own behaviors. It is a typical, but unhealthy dynamic of being involved with addicts.
I recommend reading "Codependency No More" by Melody Beattie. It helped me to understand how codependency affects my life/others and how to overcome my codependent habits.
Have you heard about the 3 C's of addiction?
You did not Cause it
You can not Control it
You will not Cure it
Just as your addiction and recovery from cigarettes belongs to you - his addictive habits and recovery belong to him.
You are not powerful enough to cause him to use or recover from his addictive habits. That job belongs to him, treatment professionals and support groups.
There is a big difference between sober and recovering. Your bf was forced into sobriety due to incarceration. He is displaying all the ism's of his addiction and needs to seek recovery to overcome the blame-shifting, minimizing, denial, lies and etc.
Your desire to make things peaceful so he won't react is a sign of codependency. Codependency is when we try to control anothers actions with our own behaviors. It is a typical, but unhealthy dynamic of being involved with addicts.
I recommend reading "Codependency No More" by Melody Beattie. It helped me to understand how codependency affects my life/others and how to overcome my codependent habits.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
What are your bounderies? Have you read Codependent No More?
IMHO, this is a dead end relationship, if you decide to stay in be prepared for a ride from H#ll.
Read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and those at the top of the F & F of substance abusers, it may help yiu understand what you are and will be dealing with.
IMHO, this is a dead end relationship, if you decide to stay in be prepared for a ride from H#ll.
Read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and those at the top of the F & F of substance abusers, it may help yiu understand what you are and will be dealing with.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Anything by Louise hay is also great.
A quote that comes to mind," damaged people damage others."
When someone is happy with themselves they treat others with kindness and a smile. When someone is miserable with themselves they treat other meanly and with a scrowl (sp?).
He can't love you because he hates himself..it isn't possible.
A quote that comes to mind," damaged people damage others."
When someone is happy with themselves they treat others with kindness and a smile. When someone is miserable with themselves they treat other meanly and with a scrowl (sp?).
He can't love you because he hates himself..it isn't possible.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17
I will definitely get that book. After reading some of the info, I am pretty sure I am codependent and never knew it. Thanks everyone. I was able to find a therapist in my price range with an immediate session available, so Im so grateful for that as well.
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