New here and in need of support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 42
New here and in need of support
Hello. I am posting this because I don't know where else to turn. Apologies for this being so long.
My husband of 12 years has a drink problem but he is probably what you would call a "functioning alcoholic" because he holds down a job and tends to binge drink rather than drink whisky for breakfast if you know what I mean.
Last June, after a particularly awful time at a family wedding, where he got totally wasted and was rude to everyone, I asked him to move out. I stayed in our house with our 3 kids. He moved into his parents and said he would seek help. His parents and his sisters do not think he has a problem and think that I am unloving because I am not supporting him. They think the problem is really that I am just very demanding and mentally unstable.
Nevertheless, my husband did start seeing an alcohol counsellor and stopped drinking. He even attended the odd AA meeting. Meanwhile, my father-in-law insisted on meeting up with my father and basically made veiled threats that if I were to divorce his son then I would be left financially destitute. Also, my husband's sisters stopped talking to me, even though we live near each other and our kids go to school together.
I don't live very near my family and one of my brother's is being treated for cancer so I don't really want to burden them. They have been very supportive though and they know there is a problem.
At the end of August, I allowed my husband to move back in on the basis that he not drink and this was his last chance. Initially he slept in the spare room. Slowly, slowly trust was rebuilt and everything went back to normal.
Then around the beginning of November he announced he was going to start drinking again. I was just being "controlling" by wanting him to stop and he could manage it. I made it plain how upset I was but he continued anyway.
Initially, his drinking was fine. Then he started having a bottle of night on his own, his nights out "marketing" increased and then on New Year's Eve he got so drunk he was slurring his words so much everyone laughed at him.
Twice since Nov I warned him that he needed to keep an eye on his drinking because it was getting out of hand. His counsellor also told him he was worried about him because his job is on the line and he deals with stress by drinking.
Then, on Thursday night he went out and got smashed. He came back around 4am by taxi (over 40 miles) because he had missed his train. He was crashing around and started snoring so loudly that I went into the spare room. A little while later I heard a noise and woke up to find him urinating on the floor in the bedroom where I was sleeping. He doesn't remember anything about it. He phoned in "sick" to work the next day and didn't get out of bed until 5pm.
I have told him it is over and that we need to start sorting out practicalities eg put the house on the market to sell. He keeps trying to ask me for one more chance and because I am standing firm he is just refusing to discuss anything with me.
I am finding the tension exhausting and I am worried I will not be able to stay strong. I feel my resolve weakening already and asking myself if I am doing the right thing.
My husband of 12 years has a drink problem but he is probably what you would call a "functioning alcoholic" because he holds down a job and tends to binge drink rather than drink whisky for breakfast if you know what I mean.
Last June, after a particularly awful time at a family wedding, where he got totally wasted and was rude to everyone, I asked him to move out. I stayed in our house with our 3 kids. He moved into his parents and said he would seek help. His parents and his sisters do not think he has a problem and think that I am unloving because I am not supporting him. They think the problem is really that I am just very demanding and mentally unstable.
Nevertheless, my husband did start seeing an alcohol counsellor and stopped drinking. He even attended the odd AA meeting. Meanwhile, my father-in-law insisted on meeting up with my father and basically made veiled threats that if I were to divorce his son then I would be left financially destitute. Also, my husband's sisters stopped talking to me, even though we live near each other and our kids go to school together.
I don't live very near my family and one of my brother's is being treated for cancer so I don't really want to burden them. They have been very supportive though and they know there is a problem.
At the end of August, I allowed my husband to move back in on the basis that he not drink and this was his last chance. Initially he slept in the spare room. Slowly, slowly trust was rebuilt and everything went back to normal.
Then around the beginning of November he announced he was going to start drinking again. I was just being "controlling" by wanting him to stop and he could manage it. I made it plain how upset I was but he continued anyway.
Initially, his drinking was fine. Then he started having a bottle of night on his own, his nights out "marketing" increased and then on New Year's Eve he got so drunk he was slurring his words so much everyone laughed at him.
Twice since Nov I warned him that he needed to keep an eye on his drinking because it was getting out of hand. His counsellor also told him he was worried about him because his job is on the line and he deals with stress by drinking.
Then, on Thursday night he went out and got smashed. He came back around 4am by taxi (over 40 miles) because he had missed his train. He was crashing around and started snoring so loudly that I went into the spare room. A little while later I heard a noise and woke up to find him urinating on the floor in the bedroom where I was sleeping. He doesn't remember anything about it. He phoned in "sick" to work the next day and didn't get out of bed until 5pm.
I have told him it is over and that we need to start sorting out practicalities eg put the house on the market to sell. He keeps trying to ask me for one more chance and because I am standing firm he is just refusing to discuss anything with me.
I am finding the tension exhausting and I am worried I will not be able to stay strong. I feel my resolve weakening already and asking myself if I am doing the right thing.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I am glad you found us, but sorry for the reasons that bring you here. This is a wonderful place of support and information. We understand.
I remember to losses of body functions during the middle of the night by my AH (alcoholic husband), I remember the tension in the house from wondering if this was going to be 'one of those nights', and I remember feeling very confused.
Things that helped me during that time:
Alanon meetings,
Reading and Posting here at SR
Self-improvement books like "codependent No More"
and reaching out for help by letting loved ones know what was really happening at home.
In reading here at SR, I found this "sticky" post (term for older permanent posts) and it really helped me to follow these steps while living with active alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I am glad you found us, but sorry for the reasons that bring you here. This is a wonderful place of support and information. We understand.
I remember to losses of body functions during the middle of the night by my AH (alcoholic husband), I remember the tension in the house from wondering if this was going to be 'one of those nights', and I remember feeling very confused.
Things that helped me during that time:
Alanon meetings,
Reading and Posting here at SR
Self-improvement books like "codependent No More"
and reaching out for help by letting loved ones know what was really happening at home.
In reading here at SR, I found this "sticky" post (term for older permanent posts) and it really helped me to follow these steps while living with active alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi whatamess and welcome-
with alcoholics, it is best to pay attention to what they DO and not what they SAY.
he is asking for one more chance, but what has he DONE? is he back at AA?
for myself, i'm quite finished being the booze patrol and setting rules and stuff....
and you already did give him one more chance. he blew it.
not wanting to live with and expose your children to the madness of an alcoholic is not being controlling. it's healthy.
right now, you are the sane parent and your responsibility is to yourself and your children.
perhaps time for him to go back to his parents house.
the behavior by his family is unfortunately common, as they too are in denial of his addiction.
as for the threat from his father to yours, you FIL does not determine your settlement...the court does...
stick around...you're in the right place...
naive
with alcoholics, it is best to pay attention to what they DO and not what they SAY.
he is asking for one more chance, but what has he DONE? is he back at AA?
for myself, i'm quite finished being the booze patrol and setting rules and stuff....
and you already did give him one more chance. he blew it.
not wanting to live with and expose your children to the madness of an alcoholic is not being controlling. it's healthy.
right now, you are the sane parent and your responsibility is to yourself and your children.
perhaps time for him to go back to his parents house.
the behavior by his family is unfortunately common, as they too are in denial of his addiction.
as for the threat from his father to yours, you FIL does not determine your settlement...the court does...
stick around...you're in the right place...
naive
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 42
Thanks Naive. I really needed to hear that. I have a tendency to blank out the bad stuff as a way of dealing with it but then I start to feel as if I imagined it and maybe it wasn't so bad after all. Crazy, I know. The bad stuff and the rollercoaster has become my idea of what is normal.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
I came here to SR for the same reasons you did. My AH (alcoholic husband) is trying to self-control his addiction. He goes weeks just drinking low-alcohol beer on a daily basis, then has a day/night of binge drinking.
The binges usually end with him staggering, rude, obnoxious, and then passing out. Of course the next day, I tell him he's out of control and needs to seek help. This then makes him angry. He says, "So I get drunk once in a while, I'm not hurting anyone."
I too have been accused of just wanting to "control" him.
What is helping me is: 1. Coming here to SR
2. Knowing I don't make him drink
3. Knowing I can't make him stop
4. Concentrating on activities that improve my health
and happiness
5. Never, ever, again purchasing his alcohol for him
You have the right to live in a safe, secure, and non-anxiety-producing home. Do what is best for you, and let his family try to live with his alcoholism. They will probably see the problem if forced to live with it long term.
Best wishes to you. Keep coming back.
The binges usually end with him staggering, rude, obnoxious, and then passing out. Of course the next day, I tell him he's out of control and needs to seek help. This then makes him angry. He says, "So I get drunk once in a while, I'm not hurting anyone."
I too have been accused of just wanting to "control" him.
What is helping me is: 1. Coming here to SR
2. Knowing I don't make him drink
3. Knowing I can't make him stop
4. Concentrating on activities that improve my health
and happiness
5. Never, ever, again purchasing his alcohol for him
You have the right to live in a safe, secure, and non-anxiety-producing home. Do what is best for you, and let his family try to live with his alcoholism. They will probably see the problem if forced to live with it long term.
Best wishes to you. Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm so sorry you are going through such a wretched time. First, give yourself a pat on the shoulder for the brave steps you've already taken. In a time like this I try to slow my mind down and keep it simple. First things first ......... Maybe it's to sit down and make a list of what you must do.
Please be loving and kind to yourself. This is a process, it takes time.
If you haven't done it already I hope you cut all times to his parents. This is a negative you don't need.
Please be loving and kind to yourself. This is a process, it takes time.
If you haven't done it already I hope you cut all times to his parents. This is a negative you don't need.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 42
Thanks for all your support.
I just need to keep telling myself that he is not going to change, no matter how much I wish it and no matter how nice he is being to me now.
For the moment I am going to try to avoid talking to him because somehow he always twists my words, confuses me and makes me doubt my decisions.
I just need to keep telling myself that he is not going to change, no matter how much I wish it and no matter how nice he is being to me now.
For the moment I am going to try to avoid talking to him because somehow he always twists my words, confuses me and makes me doubt my decisions.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
At the end of August, I allowed my husband to move back in on the basis that he not drink and this was his last chance.
sounds like he blew that last chance.
sounds like he blew that last chance.
Also his dad's a class-A d*ck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 61
I think you already know that you're doing the right thing, you just need to hear it.
A quick look at the newspapers - well the Daily Mail, if that counts - will show you that there is no shortage of addicts out there in need of help, but that often people who have tried to be loving and supportive are ostracised. One American actress springs immediately to mind, and her younger partner is often blamed for her issues. That's the way it is on this crazy mixed up planet.
I've been in your position and have fought for someone that I have loved to try and keep her family together, just waiting for the time that she would "cotton-on" and make changes. The problem with this is that the longer things go on, the further you drift away from the path of "normality", and ultimately you find yourself lost in no-man's land, with no idea of how you got there.
That's where you are at the moment, lost. But on the bright-side, at least you know that you're lost and can do something about it.
With regards to your husband, he's lost but doesn't have to come to terms with it because you've always helped him find his way back home. At some point, and now might be the right time, he needs to learn the lesson of responsibility, and you need to appreciate that you - like me and many others before - have prevented our partners from learning that lesson by covering for them.
To some it may not sound a loving thing to leave a partner with major issues to sort out his own problems, but in the longer-term, once you get yourself back into normality, you'll come to realise that it is the best thing that you can do for someone. As Sting once famously sang, "If you love someone, set them free".
You're in a far more depleted state than your husband at the moment, and need to take time out. You won't realise just how run-down you are until you get out from under this relationship, but you're not alone, you're not unique and you're among friends.
Do what your conscience tells you to do, and know that you have people and friends around who will support you, and above all know that you're loved.
Best wishes,
Peter
A quick look at the newspapers - well the Daily Mail, if that counts - will show you that there is no shortage of addicts out there in need of help, but that often people who have tried to be loving and supportive are ostracised. One American actress springs immediately to mind, and her younger partner is often blamed for her issues. That's the way it is on this crazy mixed up planet.
I've been in your position and have fought for someone that I have loved to try and keep her family together, just waiting for the time that she would "cotton-on" and make changes. The problem with this is that the longer things go on, the further you drift away from the path of "normality", and ultimately you find yourself lost in no-man's land, with no idea of how you got there.
That's where you are at the moment, lost. But on the bright-side, at least you know that you're lost and can do something about it.
With regards to your husband, he's lost but doesn't have to come to terms with it because you've always helped him find his way back home. At some point, and now might be the right time, he needs to learn the lesson of responsibility, and you need to appreciate that you - like me and many others before - have prevented our partners from learning that lesson by covering for them.
To some it may not sound a loving thing to leave a partner with major issues to sort out his own problems, but in the longer-term, once you get yourself back into normality, you'll come to realise that it is the best thing that you can do for someone. As Sting once famously sang, "If you love someone, set them free".
You're in a far more depleted state than your husband at the moment, and need to take time out. You won't realise just how run-down you are until you get out from under this relationship, but you're not alone, you're not unique and you're among friends.
Do what your conscience tells you to do, and know that you have people and friends around who will support you, and above all know that you're loved.
Best wishes,
Peter
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to you and I'm sorry for the chaos in your family.
Well, he is not going to stay sober, that's pretty certain. So if you do not now feel you have the necessary strength and resolve to pursue a separation or divorce because he is pressuring you for "one more chance", you can give him that. You can even put it in writing, both sign the paper, and call it a deal.
The deal-breaker will be him drinking to intoxication again. Period. Make it very clear.
He is going to promise you he won't get drunk again.
But he will--because he's an alcoholic--and when he does, he's out.
If more wives stood firm with their alcoholics, more alcoholics would sober up. The addiction literature says this.
You may not care if you stay married to him or not, drinking or sober. But it would be great if your children had a sober dad.
Keep excusing the drinking and dissolving your boundaries, and the children won't. Your AH is controlling everyone and everything right now-- and he intends to keep drinking.
This "deal" will buy you some time to contact an attorney and start lining up what steps you need to take to legally separate, assure alimony and child support, get the house matters settled.
Of course, the deal may be broken before you even turn the key in the ignition to drive to the attorney's office this week. Why? Because alcoholism is an UNCONTROLLABLE compulsion to drink. So your husband is already headed for his next drunk.
I agree with the advice to cut ties with his family, as they have designated you the enemy.
You can get through this. I hope you will find all the support you need. Once you start seeking help outside the immediate family, you'll find new confidence that what you are doing--refusing to live with an active alcoholic and refusing to allow a drunk to raise your children--is the right course.
Do not be alone. Find plenty of support. Good luck.
Well, he is not going to stay sober, that's pretty certain. So if you do not now feel you have the necessary strength and resolve to pursue a separation or divorce because he is pressuring you for "one more chance", you can give him that. You can even put it in writing, both sign the paper, and call it a deal.
The deal-breaker will be him drinking to intoxication again. Period. Make it very clear.
He is going to promise you he won't get drunk again.
But he will--because he's an alcoholic--and when he does, he's out.
If more wives stood firm with their alcoholics, more alcoholics would sober up. The addiction literature says this.
You may not care if you stay married to him or not, drinking or sober. But it would be great if your children had a sober dad.
Keep excusing the drinking and dissolving your boundaries, and the children won't. Your AH is controlling everyone and everything right now-- and he intends to keep drinking.
This "deal" will buy you some time to contact an attorney and start lining up what steps you need to take to legally separate, assure alimony and child support, get the house matters settled.
Of course, the deal may be broken before you even turn the key in the ignition to drive to the attorney's office this week. Why? Because alcoholism is an UNCONTROLLABLE compulsion to drink. So your husband is already headed for his next drunk.
I agree with the advice to cut ties with his family, as they have designated you the enemy.
You can get through this. I hope you will find all the support you need. Once you start seeking help outside the immediate family, you'll find new confidence that what you are doing--refusing to live with an active alcoholic and refusing to allow a drunk to raise your children--is the right course.
Do not be alone. Find plenty of support. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
P.S.
I'm sorry if my post sounds pushy. I think it might, and want to apologize for the tone.
His family members are also your children's extended family.....so if you can keep ties to them while maintaining privacy in all you are doing for yourself and also keeping a clear boundary with them that your marriage is not their issue....
then I hope they will honor that. Some people actually do respect our boundaries, and I hope his family members will respect yours.
I have learned from others that being matter-of-fact with alcoholics works best. As in "If this happens, you're out." No lecturing, no moralizing, no shaming the alcoholics.
Passed out on the kitchen floor? Pee in the middle of the living room? Car banged up and a DUI? Matter of fact: "You're out."
You need feel no guilt about having standards about what kind of home life is necessary for your mental and emotional health and your children's safety.
Others may push you to do this or that, but in your heart, you must hold true to what you most value and then do what is required to live an honest life. And only you know what your answers are. No one in his family, none of your friends, nor do I know what is right for you.
But whatever brings health and safety to your children and you--however that may look--we here at SR will cheer! And I hope as well for the recovery of your husband. He is possessed right now. But help is available should he seek it.
I'm sorry if my post sounds pushy. I think it might, and want to apologize for the tone.
His family members are also your children's extended family.....so if you can keep ties to them while maintaining privacy in all you are doing for yourself and also keeping a clear boundary with them that your marriage is not their issue....
then I hope they will honor that. Some people actually do respect our boundaries, and I hope his family members will respect yours.
I have learned from others that being matter-of-fact with alcoholics works best. As in "If this happens, you're out." No lecturing, no moralizing, no shaming the alcoholics.
Passed out on the kitchen floor? Pee in the middle of the living room? Car banged up and a DUI? Matter of fact: "You're out."
You need feel no guilt about having standards about what kind of home life is necessary for your mental and emotional health and your children's safety.
Others may push you to do this or that, but in your heart, you must hold true to what you most value and then do what is required to live an honest life. And only you know what your answers are. No one in his family, none of your friends, nor do I know what is right for you.
But whatever brings health and safety to your children and you--however that may look--we here at SR will cheer! And I hope as well for the recovery of your husband. He is possessed right now. But help is available should he seek it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
I vote that you get out now.
but if you read my posts you will see why.
People who don't have drinking problems are not in danger of losing their jobs due to their drinking. You may want to point that out next time your in laws try to insult you and blame YOU and deny his alcoholism.
but if you read my posts you will see why.
People who don't have drinking problems are not in danger of losing their jobs due to their drinking. You may want to point that out next time your in laws try to insult you and blame YOU and deny his alcoholism.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 42
I have done it ... I have just phoned my solicitor to start divorce proceedings! I am so proud of myself. Obviously it is going to take some time to sort out but if I keep taking baby steps and with your support I will get through this.
Thank you for reading my initial post.
Thank you for your replies.
Thank you for being there.
Thank you for reading my initial post.
Thank you for your replies.
Thank you for being there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Filing for a divorce is the ultimate intervention and can be life changing for the alcoholic.
For most of us healthy boundary setting with lines drawn in concrete are really hard for us to make and commit to... the alcoholic well knows how to manipulate us and divert us from whatever clear path we have tried to take.
When I tossed my relapsed A on his head I was sure he would be dead, in a hospital or in jail within weeks...and quite frankly that scenario was very likely.
But that didn't happen ... instead he actually came face to face with what would be his future and contemplated his options which actually fleetingly included suicide and he cried out to his HP instead.... he had a dark night of the soul and a true psychic change... the essential ingredient for true spirtitual recovery that has a good chance of lasting a lifetime.
If you still have feelings for this man... really sort this one out... many times our codependency is not love or respect but is an unhealthy attachment. But if you still love the guy and more than anything think he is "the one" you can map out in DETAIL what it would take to put reconciliation on the table for consideration.
This is what I did with my A... I have a no alcohol boundary and we have actually had seperate residences for the past 6 months. We are moving back in together this Friday into our dream home. He knows that if he ever picks up a drink he is out of my life as my life is alcohol free... PERIOD. Non-negotiable forever. If he drinks we have a relapse prevention plan... he goes into rehab IMMEDIATELY... if he refuses he is out. PERIOD. NON-NEGOTIABLE.
There will be no changes... forever. period.
Most alcoholics are not sticking around with a woman who is not codependant and puts that kind of line in concrete...forget the sand.
That being said... it has been a long hard extremly difficult journey with my A... he has taken 4 years of solid recovery including two residential programs of 5 months and 7 months. Years of counseling together and seperately and hundreds and hundreds of AA meetings.
Few alcoholics are willing to work that hard to grow up, truly change their entire thinking, values and behaviors and become loving and unselfish mates... they just would rather find someone else to manipulate that will let them keep drinking.
We are blissfully happy but I know that today or next week or next year or 10 years from now it can all come apart at the seams! And if that happens I will be a single woman ... and I am OK with that because I have found my happiness in my own recovery and accept each day and what it brings.
Hope my experience helps someone... nothing is impossible with God but it was like wandering in the desert for 40 years before we got to the Promised Land.... and again... that alcohol is always lurking, lurking, lurking waiting for that moment to unravel someone and drag back into the hell and destruction that is addiction.
Such is our fate... sigh. Knowledge brings the power to choose whether it is WORTH the risk to stay with someone who has to battle addiction for the rest of their life. And if he isn't battling ... fuggidaboutit.... run as fast as you can the other way!
For most of us healthy boundary setting with lines drawn in concrete are really hard for us to make and commit to... the alcoholic well knows how to manipulate us and divert us from whatever clear path we have tried to take.
When I tossed my relapsed A on his head I was sure he would be dead, in a hospital or in jail within weeks...and quite frankly that scenario was very likely.
But that didn't happen ... instead he actually came face to face with what would be his future and contemplated his options which actually fleetingly included suicide and he cried out to his HP instead.... he had a dark night of the soul and a true psychic change... the essential ingredient for true spirtitual recovery that has a good chance of lasting a lifetime.
If you still have feelings for this man... really sort this one out... many times our codependency is not love or respect but is an unhealthy attachment. But if you still love the guy and more than anything think he is "the one" you can map out in DETAIL what it would take to put reconciliation on the table for consideration.
This is what I did with my A... I have a no alcohol boundary and we have actually had seperate residences for the past 6 months. We are moving back in together this Friday into our dream home. He knows that if he ever picks up a drink he is out of my life as my life is alcohol free... PERIOD. Non-negotiable forever. If he drinks we have a relapse prevention plan... he goes into rehab IMMEDIATELY... if he refuses he is out. PERIOD. NON-NEGOTIABLE.
There will be no changes... forever. period.
Most alcoholics are not sticking around with a woman who is not codependant and puts that kind of line in concrete...forget the sand.
That being said... it has been a long hard extremly difficult journey with my A... he has taken 4 years of solid recovery including two residential programs of 5 months and 7 months. Years of counseling together and seperately and hundreds and hundreds of AA meetings.
Few alcoholics are willing to work that hard to grow up, truly change their entire thinking, values and behaviors and become loving and unselfish mates... they just would rather find someone else to manipulate that will let them keep drinking.
We are blissfully happy but I know that today or next week or next year or 10 years from now it can all come apart at the seams! And if that happens I will be a single woman ... and I am OK with that because I have found my happiness in my own recovery and accept each day and what it brings.
Hope my experience helps someone... nothing is impossible with God but it was like wandering in the desert for 40 years before we got to the Promised Land.... and again... that alcohol is always lurking, lurking, lurking waiting for that moment to unravel someone and drag back into the hell and destruction that is addiction.
Such is our fate... sigh. Knowledge brings the power to choose whether it is WORTH the risk to stay with someone who has to battle addiction for the rest of their life. And if he isn't battling ... fuggidaboutit.... run as fast as you can the other way!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
well done! soon it will not be a mess anymore, but a peaceful, calm, happy house!
having been on this board for a few years now, very few actually move quickly, process the information shared here and make a move for freedom, as you have done.
most wait and hope and give many "last chances"...and as they wait, the disease progresses and what they thought was unbearable becomes even more so. what they thought was their A's bottom turns out not to be. it's heartbreaking to watch.
and then, every once in a while, someone like you comes, seeks, and makes a move.
i'm delighted for you. we are here with you all the way.
i'll agree with adipsia...you will not realize the full extent of your tiredness until you are in a peaceful environment. be kind to yourself and perhaps treat yourself to something nice today....an new haircut? some highlights? a new pair of jeans? that movie you've been wanting to watch? ( have you seen bridesmaids? it's a good laugh... when i was leaving my alcoholic, i found a good comedy lifted my spirits... )
naive
having been on this board for a few years now, very few actually move quickly, process the information shared here and make a move for freedom, as you have done.
most wait and hope and give many "last chances"...and as they wait, the disease progresses and what they thought was unbearable becomes even more so. what they thought was their A's bottom turns out not to be. it's heartbreaking to watch.
and then, every once in a while, someone like you comes, seeks, and makes a move.
i'm delighted for you. we are here with you all the way.
i'll agree with adipsia...you will not realize the full extent of your tiredness until you are in a peaceful environment. be kind to yourself and perhaps treat yourself to something nice today....an new haircut? some highlights? a new pair of jeans? that movie you've been wanting to watch? ( have you seen bridesmaids? it's a good laugh... when i was leaving my alcoholic, i found a good comedy lifted my spirits... )
naive
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by Hopeworks
Filing for a divorce is the ultimate intervention and can be life changing for the alcoholic.
At the end of the day this is a matter of personal judgement, there is no right or wrong, but it comes down to where that line is going to be drawn. As Naive infers, there are some people that I have come to know from local meetings in the UK who - at some point - could have extricated themselves from a relationship that was draining their life-force away, but left it far too late and had no strength left to do anything about it. What a waste of a life... two lives in fact.
We hear so much about deaths of alcoholics through alcoholism, but it would be interesting to see statistics concerning how many non-alcoholics take their own lives because they feel hopelessly conflicted. On the one hand they feel the need to try and save their partner from certain death, and on the other they see their own life disappearing down the toilet.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Adipsia,
Good point... but an intervention is loved ones attempting to break through the brain lock of an addict with a planned, staged group event while death robs the alcoholic of the ability to choose sobriety or even to choose another drink. The game is up and the struggle is over for all concerned.
When we as codies become manic and obsessed with "saving" our A's it is like trying to save a drowning person without having taken a lifesaving course ... almost all of us get pulled under by the flailing and desperate drowning person.
But... if you take a course and learn how to use a lifering and how to subdue a drowning person (knock them in the head if necessary... just kidding) we can be a force for good...for truth... for love.
I am ACOA and at one time was so broken that I was like tiny pieces of glass ... today I am so strong, happy and healthy I can be a rock for others without getting dragged under the waves. I would be rich woman if I could get back all the dollars I spent for the therapy to get where I am today...lol! God bless my psychiatrist/pastor who has counseled me for years and years in addition to my regular therapist!
Not everyone should run across the beach and launch into the sea to try to "rescue the drowning... sometimes the drowning DO NOT WANT TO BE RESCUED AT ALL and all you are doing is risking yourself and pissing off the swimmer!
This is where having a good therapist, a good Alanon group, SR feedback and your HP has to become a factor before we get ourselves sick and anxious all over again.
Good point... death is always lurking and that fear is paralyzing for the loved ones.
Good point... but an intervention is loved ones attempting to break through the brain lock of an addict with a planned, staged group event while death robs the alcoholic of the ability to choose sobriety or even to choose another drink. The game is up and the struggle is over for all concerned.
When we as codies become manic and obsessed with "saving" our A's it is like trying to save a drowning person without having taken a lifesaving course ... almost all of us get pulled under by the flailing and desperate drowning person.
But... if you take a course and learn how to use a lifering and how to subdue a drowning person (knock them in the head if necessary... just kidding) we can be a force for good...for truth... for love.
I am ACOA and at one time was so broken that I was like tiny pieces of glass ... today I am so strong, happy and healthy I can be a rock for others without getting dragged under the waves. I would be rich woman if I could get back all the dollars I spent for the therapy to get where I am today...lol! God bless my psychiatrist/pastor who has counseled me for years and years in addition to my regular therapist!
Not everyone should run across the beach and launch into the sea to try to "rescue the drowning... sometimes the drowning DO NOT WANT TO BE RESCUED AT ALL and all you are doing is risking yourself and pissing off the swimmer!
This is where having a good therapist, a good Alanon group, SR feedback and your HP has to become a factor before we get ourselves sick and anxious all over again.
Good point... death is always lurking and that fear is paralyzing for the loved ones.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
You are doing the right thing for both you and your children. If down the road your husband has chosen to embrace recovery and is leading a sober and intentional life, you can always remarry each other.
You have given him a chance, but he has blown that. Now it's time for you to pick up the pieces and move on. Only he can control his destiny. Your department is the destiny of you and your minor children.
I'm in kind of a similar situation --- separated 8 months from my high functioning AH and with four kids. It's just so painful and frustrating. I've had to let him go and grieve the loss of our lives together. He just doesn't believe he has a problem. There is nothing I can do for him. I still love him very much, but I'm no longer willing to follow him down the rabbit hole of addiction and denial. He has to want his own sobriety more than I do.
Hang in there. Are you attending Al Anon? I have found it helpful. I also liked the books "Under The Influence" by Milam and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. In the Codependent book, I especially found the chapter on Detachment very useful. And this SR forum --- has been an absolute godsend for me. Hugs to you from another sad wife.
You have given him a chance, but he has blown that. Now it's time for you to pick up the pieces and move on. Only he can control his destiny. Your department is the destiny of you and your minor children.
I'm in kind of a similar situation --- separated 8 months from my high functioning AH and with four kids. It's just so painful and frustrating. I've had to let him go and grieve the loss of our lives together. He just doesn't believe he has a problem. There is nothing I can do for him. I still love him very much, but I'm no longer willing to follow him down the rabbit hole of addiction and denial. He has to want his own sobriety more than I do.
Hang in there. Are you attending Al Anon? I have found it helpful. I also liked the books "Under The Influence" by Milam and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. In the Codependent book, I especially found the chapter on Detachment very useful. And this SR forum --- has been an absolute godsend for me. Hugs to you from another sad wife.
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