MustStop

Hi all, just wondering what others have done to fill the big void that was left sitting there after quitting the booze. At this point I am wondering if I should throw everything upside down and go for a total change?

I am newly single (another new void), have done some re-decorating, improved my eating habits and done other minimal things but nothing is really helping. I am still sitting around bored and just dealing with endless thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I have read a ton on this site and it seems that being on day 15 this is all fairly normal for someone to be going through but I know change is imminent and I am looking to hear about what some people further along than I have done in this situation?

I would use to drink and listen to music, go to pubs with friends or go on vacations and road trips with my ex. All of that has vanished and I am lost.

Dee74

It takes time I think...

for me, I tried to 'fill the void' many times - and I find I couldn't fill with stuff, no matter how hard I worked or how much I tried to fill my life....sooner or later I was always left with me.

I changed my focus when I got here to SR and talked to a few wise people...if I couldn't fill it, maybe I could heal it...maybe I could heal me...and that takes time.

For me some counselling helped - I had some long buried stuff I needed to excavate, and drag out into the light.

Service work, helping others, helped me too - I'd spent 20 years living in, or out of my head - I needed to connect with others, I needed to see that there were other perspectives and other hardships but than my own.

5 years on - there's always room for improvement, but I like who I am, I'm happy and I'm contented

It's probably a deeper answer than you wanted, but I really needed to go beyond the tangible - I figured I needed to fix things in me, or at heart I'd still be that same old guy... who sooner or later would be looking for an way to escape his life again.

D

Fubarcdn

I am almost in the same boat as you are Muststop.
I have gotten back to daily trips to the gym and lots of walking, which have filled some of the time in and posting here makes me feel useful.
I went back to the bars because I did not put enough effort into this last time and I am hoping to put a more concerted effort into it this time.
Probably not much help but if I can motivate you to do what I have to do maybe it is a bit.
Peace out.

Sapling

Congrats on 15 days...This was kind of a life or death thing for me. After detox and a couple weeks in rehab..(was introduced to AA there.)..I left two weeks early and jumped into the AA program. Studied it...Got someone that had worked the program to take me through it....Went to a lot of meetings to learn about it..(still do,) and stopped drinking....After 35 years of daily drinking. Alcohol cost me everything....I was willing to do anything to get off it. I didn't have time to be bored...I'm still new...Just got seven months....But I have a whole new set of friends...A whole new life....And the change I really needed and wanted. Find yourself some kind of program and fill your free time with doing it. If I sat around and thought of how bored I was when I quit...I'd be drinking right now and maybe dead. I didn't have a lot of choices. Hope you find something that works for you...Best of luck.

Kza

Same problem here.

Sapling

P.S.....I'm going to watch the Superbowl today with about 12 recovered alcoholics...More than 200 years of sobriety there. Crab dip....chicken wings...burgers and dogs....You name it. Everything but alcohol. If you would have told me that eight months ago...I would have said you were nuts!

LoftyIdeals

Wow, MustStop, what an insightful and well-articulated post. I bolded the parts where I may have something to offer.

What you have decided to do in your life will change everything. And that can be a really good thing. I consider this a time to re-invent myself in ways that I prefer over my old life; not just ridding myself of the drink. But, I don't think a sudden, radical reinvention is necessary. Rather, I've pensively tried to discern who I really am and how I feel about things. After drinking nearly daily for decades, these discernments haven't come overnight.

Instead, I've had a lot of boring, lonely times, where I'm usually led to a lot of soul-searching. I've done a lot of reading about alcoholism and addiction, using both AA literature and non-AA. This has helped me be at ease, knowing what to expect, and re-forming my beliefs about what is "normal" and desirable in my life. Although it is often boring, it's a big part of my recovery. Rebuilding my life, my self-respect and esteem, and my confidence has occurred most often during through those lonely times, where at least I've learned to be comfortable in my own skin, without the need to be around others. Consider that "there's a time for everything under the sun". It may be that your recovery is now bringng you the time for self-reflection and assessment, and has afforded you the time alone to do that. After all, we are called human beings, not human doings! LOL.

You are wise to realize change is imminent. And it is wonderful. But, it doesn't necessarily come easy, or without bumps in the road. Be ready for changes you plan and want, and for some that you didn't expect. In the end, though, they are all for your good.

There are a lot of wise words on SR, and threads that have laid out how people spend their time in sobriety, vs. when drinking. The activities you listed are all interesting and fun, and there's no reason they have to stop, but they need to be without the booze. That's all. Just do them sober. If you find they aren't fun without the booze, that's okay too. But it should tell you something. Sometimes old pasttimes can be replaced with new ones; picking up an instrument, learning a language, hanging out at the bookstore, joining a club, or church or other social group. Helping others in their lives...

I attend a couple AA meetings a week. Sometimes I go early or stay late and socialize. Sometimes I don't know what I'd say, so I leave at the end of the meeting. I have six months this weekend, so I don't have if all figured out by any means. But I have peace, and a whole new perspective on life that I cherish.

Good luck to you, MustStop. I look forward to keeping up with your posts and seeing how you progress.

MustStop

Well I haven't worked since last September and was only halfheartedly looking for a new job from then until I quit drinking. So when that finally happens I am going to raise stake and move. Either to a new apt or condo and I would like a new vehicle as well.

Those are three large changes that will help me regain some lost self esteem and self worth. Those are my major changes in the works and from there I can go looking for a new relationship as that point will bring a new understanding and level of confidence which I desperately need right now, but it won't be without much soul searching and whatnot.

Maybe getting back onto the corporate ladder will help, maybe I will start writing again or get back into some things I use to do. Its just a tough spot right now, thanks for the insightful posts They do help.

macknacat

Great topic!

I too jumped hard and deep into my recovery [AA and NA] My sponsor kept me workin. and i packed up with other [mostly newcomers] in the program.
Everything from 100 ppl on a campout to sober bowling....

I also caught that same exquisite sense of freedom of being able to Do New Things- built a couple of boats, became a good father, planted a garden, wrote a manuscript or two, put together a construction business, opened a savings account- even cleaned my house!

Also "recovered" some activities that th booze and drugs had waylaid: went skiing again. Went rock climbing again. Ditto for canoes and kayak...

Just kept at it "one day at a time" . Free and Clean over 16 yrs now.

sugarbear1

I just searched "moms in recovery" and found several sites you may be interested in! try a search!

MustStop

LOL I am a single guy with no kids.

2granddaughters

Get involved with AA in Toronto. Get a home group and sponsor and get out to meetings.
Your void will be filled and you'll be on your way to sobriety.

Best of luck.

Bob R. (down near Windsor)

MustStop

Thank you for this, great post that allowed proper dissection I'll touch on this as it speaks volumes to me. In my situation, you would think that sitting around would be the worst possible thing, but its actually been working the best so far. Its allowed me to go into deep, critical thought and figure things out and thats whats needed and working for me right now. I've gone out alone and with a friend and always come home depressed and worse off then when I left.

I seem to be able to get into "happy thoughts" and find (or at least feel) some inner peace on my own like this. And thinking back, it was times like this that were always followed by some of my biggest achievements. I am glad my friends are there and trying to get me out "to get my mind off things" but I am simply not prepared for that yet. I took a severe blow and recovery is going to take time and you are very right, I am rebuilding my life.

Just like the steps to recovery, I am setting up a list of small goals (just like days) to meet to get this "rebuilding" off the ground. Bit by bit, day by day.

Hooped

For me, I've realized that the 'void' was when I was drinking.
I was missing out on life.

MustStop

Thats true, now its time to figure out just what I was missing and I am optimistic about it.

No more complacency, laziness, hopeless dreaming, slumming, empty promises, lying to myself, self pity, ignorance, arrogance, excuses or unachievable or attainable goals.