2011 and the ruin
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2011 and the ruin
2011 and the ruin...
He ruined...
New Years 2011... didn't even celebrate it with me as he would rather have spent it with others
January- I had gotten this great design gig and he would be up binging, kept me up so I was exhausted throughout that whole job
Feb.-March - Bi-Polar because he had sobered up
March - I wanted to celebrate St. Pattys day with friends he showed up and made me so self conscious about drinking and having a good time
March - June - Grumpy bitter never wanted to go anywhere or do anything
April - Got in a huge fight in front of his family, I cried and that's when his mom tried to comfort me and eerily said "Business as usual HUN" as if she was use to his drama... Never had heard that before
July - 4th of July decided to go with family and never showed up to my families event
August - Fell off the wagon, got drunk we fought, I felt stuck because we were miles away from home, so that whole evening I had to endure his crap
Sept.- Huge DRUNK fight on my birthday and at 3 am decides to pack his bags and leave... the next day I was suppose to have a HUGE 30th Birthday, I cancel it as I was so exhausted from the ordeal the night before
October - Halloween sucks he's just in a CRAPTASTIC mood- obsessed with seeing his lame friends and doesn't care about my friends
November - Doesn't go to my family's Thanksgiving dinner after I had spent THE WHOLE DAY with his family...
December - Binge drinks on our TREE DECORATING night, punches 3 holes in my doors, breaks two locks ... breaks down my security door, says evil mean and hurtful things - drives off ...txt me awful things while driving drunk
...Calls me Xmas day and is a complete A-Hole... I cried that whole day
January 2012 - I was so upset from his drama, didn't enjoy one bit of it
Not to mention the hundred little things between 2010-11 that I don't even remember right now... Wow looking at it all... and this is just the tip, is so shocking! I put up with it all for so long. How caring I was, how enabling I have been. How much I chose to put up with. I will look back on this anytime I feel a little weak... Wow he is such a loser
He ruined...
New Years 2011... didn't even celebrate it with me as he would rather have spent it with others
January- I had gotten this great design gig and he would be up binging, kept me up so I was exhausted throughout that whole job
Feb.-March - Bi-Polar because he had sobered up
March - I wanted to celebrate St. Pattys day with friends he showed up and made me so self conscious about drinking and having a good time
March - June - Grumpy bitter never wanted to go anywhere or do anything
April - Got in a huge fight in front of his family, I cried and that's when his mom tried to comfort me and eerily said "Business as usual HUN" as if she was use to his drama... Never had heard that before
July - 4th of July decided to go with family and never showed up to my families event
August - Fell off the wagon, got drunk we fought, I felt stuck because we were miles away from home, so that whole evening I had to endure his crap
Sept.- Huge DRUNK fight on my birthday and at 3 am decides to pack his bags and leave... the next day I was suppose to have a HUGE 30th Birthday, I cancel it as I was so exhausted from the ordeal the night before
October - Halloween sucks he's just in a CRAPTASTIC mood- obsessed with seeing his lame friends and doesn't care about my friends
November - Doesn't go to my family's Thanksgiving dinner after I had spent THE WHOLE DAY with his family...
December - Binge drinks on our TREE DECORATING night, punches 3 holes in my doors, breaks two locks ... breaks down my security door, says evil mean and hurtful things - drives off ...txt me awful things while driving drunk
...Calls me Xmas day and is a complete A-Hole... I cried that whole day
January 2012 - I was so upset from his drama, didn't enjoy one bit of it
Not to mention the hundred little things between 2010-11 that I don't even remember right now... Wow looking at it all... and this is just the tip, is so shocking! I put up with it all for so long. How caring I was, how enabling I have been. How much I chose to put up with. I will look back on this anytime I feel a little weak... Wow he is such a loser
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Location: Columbia MO
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It's ok quetzal, now your eyes are open, now you see, it hurts now and it will for awhile, it does not matter if it was crappy, it was what you had, it will get better, it hurts a little less every day, pretty soon when you think back on it you wonder why you put up with it so long.
Big hugs to you,
Bill
Big hugs to you,
Bill
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by quetzal 
2011 and the ruin...
How caring I was, how enabling I have been. How much I chose to put up with. I will look back on this anytime I feel a little weak... Wow he is such a loser
How caring I was, how enabling I have been. How much I chose to put up with. I will look back on this anytime I feel a little weak... Wow he is such a loser
Neither one of you are losers, but you are both temporarily lost. His addiction became yours and you both then inadvertently made the choice to set course into the wilderness.
I've been there too, on both sides of the fence in fact.
It's far more mentally draining for the enabler - and family - than the enabled, and when you come out from under the relationship, you're like a wrung out rag.
You saw yourself as part of a caring partnership, but he sees himself as separated from everyone and everything apart from his addiction partner. He's chosen separation and now you need to accept that. He needs to hit bottom and the most loving thing you can do for him is to give him space to do that.
And that is true love...
To allow someone else the freedom to choose and learn for themselves, without having any personal investment in the outcome. Would you deprive him of that learning experience ?
I know and feel your pain, but your attention must now be directed to finding your own way back. Neither of you have lost anything from this, in fact you've gained more than you'll ever realise.
Peter
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Thanks Adipsia,
When you said" You saw yourself as part of a caring partnership, but he sees himself as separated from everyone and everything apart from his addiction partner" you are absolutely correct. I think this has been the toughest part of it all. I was always assuming that he thought as I did. We were a team battling through all his muck, He didn't see it this way EVER and I see that more then ever. I'm so angry right now and hope that I find inner peace again soon. I'm just staying away from everyone right now and focusing on my personal business and art ohhh... and work. It just hurts the moments when I miss him and just want to feel his presence near me. I know that this will pass...just takes time
Thanks Peter for the honesty
When you said" You saw yourself as part of a caring partnership, but he sees himself as separated from everyone and everything apart from his addiction partner" you are absolutely correct. I think this has been the toughest part of it all. I was always assuming that he thought as I did. We were a team battling through all his muck, He didn't see it this way EVER and I see that more then ever. I'm so angry right now and hope that I find inner peace again soon. I'm just staying away from everyone right now and focusing on my personal business and art ohhh... and work. It just hurts the moments when I miss him and just want to feel his presence near me. I know that this will pass...just takes time
Thanks Peter for the honesty
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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Hi Quetzal,
I understand exactly where you're at. I was living with the woman whom I believed to me my soul-mate, I know this is a much over-used term, but this is the way that I felt at the time.
I was also the step-father to her two beautiful little girls aged 5 and 8... for me, my life was complete, and I fought like hell for three years to hang on to things for myself and for the girls in the belief that one day, my partner was bound to see sense and appreciate how I was protecting her from losing everything.
I did what I did with the best of intentions, and I can say hand on heart that I didn't do it selfishly. The problem is that I didn't for one moment recognise that she needed to lose everything - including her girls - so that she could hit bottom, and then learn to become a responsible person in her own right.
We broke up, and now my partner is in a new relationship with another alcoholic after three aborted long-term attempts at rehab, but you know what... I've come to realise that that is her choice, and who am I to try and take that away from her.
Like everyone who goes through the roller-coaster lifestyle of living through situations like this, we ultimately get over it, as you will. The only thing I would say to you is not to be bitter about it, don't blame the other person for their lifestyle choice, because that kind of bitterness is corrosive to your spirit.
Realise that this has been an incredible learning experience for you, love them and leave well alone, so that they can learn how to stand on their own feet, which they must do in order to overcome their addiction.
I wish you all the best.
Namaste,
Peter
I understand exactly where you're at. I was living with the woman whom I believed to me my soul-mate, I know this is a much over-used term, but this is the way that I felt at the time.
I was also the step-father to her two beautiful little girls aged 5 and 8... for me, my life was complete, and I fought like hell for three years to hang on to things for myself and for the girls in the belief that one day, my partner was bound to see sense and appreciate how I was protecting her from losing everything.
I did what I did with the best of intentions, and I can say hand on heart that I didn't do it selfishly. The problem is that I didn't for one moment recognise that she needed to lose everything - including her girls - so that she could hit bottom, and then learn to become a responsible person in her own right.
We broke up, and now my partner is in a new relationship with another alcoholic after three aborted long-term attempts at rehab, but you know what... I've come to realise that that is her choice, and who am I to try and take that away from her.
Like everyone who goes through the roller-coaster lifestyle of living through situations like this, we ultimately get over it, as you will. The only thing I would say to you is not to be bitter about it, don't blame the other person for their lifestyle choice, because that kind of bitterness is corrosive to your spirit.
Realise that this has been an incredible learning experience for you, love them and leave well alone, so that they can learn how to stand on their own feet, which they must do in order to overcome their addiction.
I wish you all the best.
Namaste,
Peter
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Thanks for sharing. Wow, when I come to think of it - it was from 2010 to Nov 2011 that there was something major that happened every month with my AH... really crazy considering in a 'normal' relationship if anyone pulled even ONE major crazy, stupid thing - the other person would have been OUT in a flash. The power of addiction and what it does to both parties (esp. us codies). Sheesh. Hope you have a good evening. 
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Que!, sorry for your bad year. Make this one a good one. Look at the positives, you have the opportunity to find someone new, you aren't married, you see the reality of what has happened, and can probably be pretty accurate with what will happen in the future if you keep walking this path.... You have the choice to pick a new direction for yourself. It's hard to do when you care about the person, but it's your choice.
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LOL...yea I know right, I actually realized this around my birthday month (september of last year). I remember asking him "why do you always have to be upset during every major event?" or bring negativity in times when we should be making awesome memories. Yes I think writing it out was good for me to read, and as the day has progressed I started to remember a bunch of dramas here and there that I didn't list. Made me ask myself.."When were we ever happy"?
I know that he was a project for me, I was unemployed when I met him and needed a purpose, he became that for me. A reason to help, feel needed at a time when I needed to nurture something. I have always worked with kids... Realizing he IS NO CHILD, he is a grown man that didn't meet me half way. He was financially stable but other then that wasn't together. I think his financial stability meant a lot to me as at the time I felt so unstable so I just felt good knowing he could provide if needed.. or if anything take me to a nice dinner every so often. I know that in the end I did help him and I did the best that I could do and that was enough. I am not an angry person and I don't regret anything I have done, but I know in time I will have a better understanding why I chose to put myself in this relationship and continually allow this behavior in my life. My father left me as a child and still drinks to this day. He missed the most important years in my life. It took me 10 years to forgive and allow him back in. He's in my life now on and off and I know he forever regrets the choices he has made and still makes.. he is still an active drinker. I love my Al-Anon meeting and look forward to it every week, it makes me understand more and more about myself.
I know I've been so hurt because I was hoping that he would "Magically" change, that what he did to me in the past would make him want to change and see how serious his problem is. I stayed away hoping that my absence would mean something to him. I see now that it doesn't that he and I are truly powerless over this disease. Until he hits his own bottom this will continue with or without me. Sometimes I have read stories here, where people say that their mates realize they have a problem and start going to treatment. I know that I never really hear the rest but It hurt that he didn't even TRY to go there in his head, he washed us away a week later, he started speaking in past tense as if it was ALL OVER, before we even had time to talk it out. I stayed away from him for weeks because of the pain I felt and I thought the time would have made him miss us, when I heard that he never stopped drinking, I guess it set me off not to mention his NEW excuses as to why in his twisted mind we really broke up... but it doesn't matter I know this and I will let go in time and move on. He's such a mess and not a person that I should have in my life. I am proud of myself for the way I have handled it all, A lot of crying but out of all of this was the need to find myself and reach a higher state of self awareness. Look at myself in and focus on parts of me that I have never tapped into before. I can see how much I love myself by how quickly I was able to resource and pull information, support groups etc... together to tap into my inner self. I cried a lot today but I was also very driven and pushed forward... It was a good day
I know that he was a project for me, I was unemployed when I met him and needed a purpose, he became that for me. A reason to help, feel needed at a time when I needed to nurture something. I have always worked with kids... Realizing he IS NO CHILD, he is a grown man that didn't meet me half way. He was financially stable but other then that wasn't together. I think his financial stability meant a lot to me as at the time I felt so unstable so I just felt good knowing he could provide if needed.. or if anything take me to a nice dinner every so often. I know that in the end I did help him and I did the best that I could do and that was enough. I am not an angry person and I don't regret anything I have done, but I know in time I will have a better understanding why I chose to put myself in this relationship and continually allow this behavior in my life. My father left me as a child and still drinks to this day. He missed the most important years in my life. It took me 10 years to forgive and allow him back in. He's in my life now on and off and I know he forever regrets the choices he has made and still makes.. he is still an active drinker. I love my Al-Anon meeting and look forward to it every week, it makes me understand more and more about myself.
I know I've been so hurt because I was hoping that he would "Magically" change, that what he did to me in the past would make him want to change and see how serious his problem is. I stayed away hoping that my absence would mean something to him. I see now that it doesn't that he and I are truly powerless over this disease. Until he hits his own bottom this will continue with or without me. Sometimes I have read stories here, where people say that their mates realize they have a problem and start going to treatment. I know that I never really hear the rest but It hurt that he didn't even TRY to go there in his head, he washed us away a week later, he started speaking in past tense as if it was ALL OVER, before we even had time to talk it out. I stayed away from him for weeks because of the pain I felt and I thought the time would have made him miss us, when I heard that he never stopped drinking, I guess it set me off not to mention his NEW excuses as to why in his twisted mind we really broke up... but it doesn't matter I know this and I will let go in time and move on. He's such a mess and not a person that I should have in my life. I am proud of myself for the way I have handled it all, A lot of crying but out of all of this was the need to find myself and reach a higher state of self awareness. Look at myself in and focus on parts of me that I have never tapped into before. I can see how much I love myself by how quickly I was able to resource and pull information, support groups etc... together to tap into my inner self. I cried a lot today but I was also very driven and pushed forward... It was a good day
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I am glad you are writing it out here and crying over it. When we try to overanalyze things we can talk ourselves into believing anything.
The relationship you had with him was impossible and destructive. As much as it hurts now, and as scary as it is to be alone, that will pass and you will move forward and upward, but it is normal to grieve. It's not healthy to try to raise the dead, but it IS healthy to grieve and move on.
The relationship you had with him was impossible and destructive. As much as it hurts now, and as scary as it is to be alone, that will pass and you will move forward and upward, but it is normal to grieve. It's not healthy to try to raise the dead, but it IS healthy to grieve and move on.
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Yes it would be same crap another year, no doubt in that. When I did see him recent he has his same lifeless energy... New year looking forward to getting back to being the old New me again, scary what certain relationships can do. Thank you guys again
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Same crap
Originally Posted by blwninthewind
If you stay...
it will be same crap different year.
trust me...i'm 20yrs in!
it will be same crap different year.
trust me...i'm 20yrs in!
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Ellensburg - "I can't relate to another human being bullying someone else." Sad that he does this to you too. My ex did it to me all the time. He is a mediator at a school, he helps Jr.High kids with dealing with their ANGER !!! LOL can you believe that, and he's a closet drunk. He used to come home and tell me about all the issues he would "Mediate" yet in his own life couldn't do so... So Ironic, so sad. When I pointed this out to him, he use to become upset, yes he is a bully to. They both are. We don't need that, there is so much Bullcrap out in the world already why have that in your home/life as well... It's okay you have to keep reminding yourself, because they won't change.
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I can relate to this thread so much. Had a fight with ABF last night and spent time looking at our photos from my phone — so many holidays and "happy occasions" included drunken BS to some degree or another.
In October, he flaked our our fair date. (So I went with a friend. Pictures of me with swollen eyes holding a goat!)
The night before Thanksgiving - my last in town before going home to see my family - he drank and therefore ruined some of my holiday.
At my friend's Christmas party, he brought NA beers, only to sneak alcohol.
I didn't enjoy a Super Bowl party last weekend because I was so nervous he'd be sneaking.
And so on etc. etc.
I pay way too much attention to each instance, and not nearly enough time to the patterns.
In October, he flaked our our fair date. (So I went with a friend. Pictures of me with swollen eyes holding a goat!)
The night before Thanksgiving - my last in town before going home to see my family - he drank and therefore ruined some of my holiday.
At my friend's Christmas party, he brought NA beers, only to sneak alcohol.
I didn't enjoy a Super Bowl party last weekend because I was so nervous he'd be sneaking.
And so on etc. etc.
I pay way too much attention to each instance, and not nearly enough time to the patterns.
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PS. Oh, and he had a binge two weeks ago, the day before his birthday, which meant our plans that night were ruined. (I still went ahead with celebrating his birthday the next day because I had special things planned with other people. But I was so upset, and yet couldn't be because "it was his birthday." Which his cousin then ruined by getting drunk and acting a fool.)
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Hi Jessiec - It was so depressing when I actually wrote it all down, My best friend and I started really taking tabs around my BDAY last year as it was my big 30 and I had planeed a huge party for that Saturday, invited a bunch of old friends on FB and txt, so many had confirmed. The friday night before it, we went to play pool, preparty intimate evening with friends, he was distant and moody. Then when we got home, got into a silly fight about his phone. By this time he was drunk and stared saying awful things to me... he got me so upset that I slapped him. I had never laid a hand on anyone like that EVER!!! The moment I did it I regreted it. He got up and started packing his bags... 3 am, mind you... He continued to say horrible things. By this time I was so upset with myself...This was my 30th birthday morning.
The worst part was I wasn't upset that he left or the loss of us but more about the fact that I did that to another person. I was holding so much anger in for months and just blew up. I have no excuse for it, it was so upsetting to become someone that I never thought I could be. That next morning I was so exhausted and couldn't stop crying. I had to send a massive email to EVERYONE and of course people called and FB and texted asking if I was okay. I just told them I had a personal emergency come up... It was so ridiculous... That he could ruin so many moments and took away my special day even. I allowed it, He called me by mid afternoon and was crying saying that he couldn't be w/o me even though I had slapped him. He played that card for awhile and I apologized constantly and vowed to never do that or be that person again... I TRULY MEANT IT. 3 months later another night 3am and he is again verbally abusive and stressing me out, xmas holiday night. This time he begged pleaded that I drink with him... yelled THE WHOLE 9...This time I said NO! I WILL NEVER DRINK WITH YOU AGAIN, I told him I would stop if he would stop. That I loved us too much to destroy what we had... he blacked out, fell asleep and woke up 3am full of anger... Punched my walls, blood everywhere called me all sorts of names, broke down my front door and disappeared into the night...He never came back, I know that night I had a choice. It was like the pied piper tempting me to be that person again, I SAID NO and he was forced to lose it on his own... It was crazy too that night the words he kept saying "JUST COME WITH ME PLEASE!!!" over and over as if he wanted me to go down his dark hole. I refused and now I am alone, alone and at peace... He is not - I know you know what's in your heart. It may take you sometime to hear it, but I promise you that you are on this site for a reason... You will have a moment in the future when you will see the freedom and take it, choose not to be a part of the madness anymore...
All my hugs to you You are among friends
The worst part was I wasn't upset that he left or the loss of us but more about the fact that I did that to another person. I was holding so much anger in for months and just blew up. I have no excuse for it, it was so upsetting to become someone that I never thought I could be. That next morning I was so exhausted and couldn't stop crying. I had to send a massive email to EVERYONE and of course people called and FB and texted asking if I was okay. I just told them I had a personal emergency come up... It was so ridiculous... That he could ruin so many moments and took away my special day even. I allowed it, He called me by mid afternoon and was crying saying that he couldn't be w/o me even though I had slapped him. He played that card for awhile and I apologized constantly and vowed to never do that or be that person again... I TRULY MEANT IT. 3 months later another night 3am and he is again verbally abusive and stressing me out, xmas holiday night. This time he begged pleaded that I drink with him... yelled THE WHOLE 9...This time I said NO! I WILL NEVER DRINK WITH YOU AGAIN, I told him I would stop if he would stop. That I loved us too much to destroy what we had... he blacked out, fell asleep and woke up 3am full of anger... Punched my walls, blood everywhere called me all sorts of names, broke down my front door and disappeared into the night...He never came back, I know that night I had a choice. It was like the pied piper tempting me to be that person again, I SAID NO and he was forced to lose it on his own... It was crazy too that night the words he kept saying "JUST COME WITH ME PLEASE!!!" over and over as if he wanted me to go down his dark hole. I refused and now I am alone, alone and at peace... He is not - I know you know what's in your heart. It may take you sometime to hear it, but I promise you that you are on this site for a reason... You will have a moment in the future when you will see the freedom and take it, choose not to be a part of the madness anymore...
All my hugs to you
You are among friends
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