E, S & H From the People Who Have Learned to Not Fear Someone Else's Relapse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
E, S & H From the People Who Have Learned to Not Fear Someone Else's Relapse
I am obsessed with my grandson and the potential for relapse.
I am actually having my spiritual counselor make me a hypnotic CD with some affirmation on it that might allow me to find some peace.
Is there anyone reading here who has found a way to deal with the fear of relapse of a loved one? If so, how were you able to let go of the fear? What exactly did you do? (And if you say "turn it over to HP," please explain exactly how you did that and what your experience and practice was.
Thank you
I am actually having my spiritual counselor make me a hypnotic CD with some affirmation on it that might allow me to find some peace.
Is there anyone reading here who has found a way to deal with the fear of relapse of a loved one? If so, how were you able to let go of the fear? What exactly did you do? (And if you say "turn it over to HP," please explain exactly how you did that and what your experience and practice was.
Thank you
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm not sure I remember the exact quote, but what often helped me was:
"I have never seen any situation improved by sheer panic."
Here is what that means to me. I can run around, be on "high alert", try to provide entertainment, diversions from, roadblocks between someone and his or her drug of choice to keep them from using. I can call every day, several times a day just to "check" in. I can quiz them about how many meetings they are attending or IOP sessions they have been to or job applications they have submitted.
And all of that work and anxiety on my part will help my addicted loved one......not at all.
All the panic and misery will be mine to carry around, and absolutely no benefit will be provided to my loved one battling addiction.
My maternal grandmother, grandfather, and stepgrandfather were all alcoholics, my aunt and her daughter are alcoholics, my sister is a recovering(ed whichever you prefer) addict, and my stepson is an active polysubstance abuser (to the best of our knowledge). When I say "turn over", I mean I completely give up my illusion of control, because it is an illusion to think we can control someone else. A member of my old Al-Anon home group describes how he visualizes it like this. "I picture myself wrapping my partner in a warm blanket, and placing him gently in my HP's hands."
I hope some of this helps. Many prayers and best wishes for you and your grandson.
HG
"I have never seen any situation improved by sheer panic."
Here is what that means to me. I can run around, be on "high alert", try to provide entertainment, diversions from, roadblocks between someone and his or her drug of choice to keep them from using. I can call every day, several times a day just to "check" in. I can quiz them about how many meetings they are attending or IOP sessions they have been to or job applications they have submitted.
And all of that work and anxiety on my part will help my addicted loved one......not at all.
All the panic and misery will be mine to carry around, and absolutely no benefit will be provided to my loved one battling addiction.
My maternal grandmother, grandfather, and stepgrandfather were all alcoholics, my aunt and her daughter are alcoholics, my sister is a recovering(ed whichever you prefer) addict, and my stepson is an active polysubstance abuser (to the best of our knowledge). When I say "turn over", I mean I completely give up my illusion of control, because it is an illusion to think we can control someone else. A member of my old Al-Anon home group describes how he visualizes it like this. "I picture myself wrapping my partner in a warm blanket, and placing him gently in my HP's hands."
I hope some of this helps. Many prayers and best wishes for you and your grandson.
HG
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I lived in the darkness of fear for years. I knew it wouldn't change the outcome but it just became my way of life. My son has been missing for years, lost somewhere in his addiction.
What helps me is to say a prayer each morning and give his care to God. That lets me live my life well, trusting that God can do for him and me, what we cannot do for ourselves.
I learned there is truth to the saying that if we live in regret of yesterday and fear of tomorrow, we lose all the joy in today.
Today I live in joy and peace and faith. It's a much brighter world and my life is worth living once more.
Hugs
What helps me is to say a prayer each morning and give his care to God. That lets me live my life well, trusting that God can do for him and me, what we cannot do for ourselves.
I learned there is truth to the saying that if we live in regret of yesterday and fear of tomorrow, we lose all the joy in today.
Today I live in joy and peace and faith. It's a much brighter world and my life is worth living once more.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Seek,
Like most of us here I also obsessed and freaked out about my brothers and their drinking, their sobriety, recovery and relapses. Glad those days/nights are over!
AlAnon meetings and working the steps in AlAnon were the things that most turned my head around. It was a process...it took time....but over the course of a year or so I was able to begin to see how I could change my bad habits of mind.
My brothers have continued to drink over the past 15 years....and I've just stayed out of the way and focused on keeping my own side of the street clean. This has allowed me to still have a loving relationship with my brothers without the drama or pain of engaging in their problems....
Keep seeking and accepting help - I was in so much psychic pain when I got into AlAnon I just started following directions....and I found peace of mind!
Glad you found this place- collectively here on SR we've seen everything so stick around.
Peace-
B
Like most of us here I also obsessed and freaked out about my brothers and their drinking, their sobriety, recovery and relapses. Glad those days/nights are over!
AlAnon meetings and working the steps in AlAnon were the things that most turned my head around. It was a process...it took time....but over the course of a year or so I was able to begin to see how I could change my bad habits of mind.
My brothers have continued to drink over the past 15 years....and I've just stayed out of the way and focused on keeping my own side of the street clean. This has allowed me to still have a loving relationship with my brothers without the drama or pain of engaging in their problems....
Keep seeking and accepting help - I was in so much psychic pain when I got into AlAnon I just started following directions....and I found peace of mind!
Glad you found this place- collectively here on SR we've seen everything so stick around.
Peace-
B
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
I found peace by understanding the choices my son would make through his sickness were going to be generally sick ones for as long as he drank and would ultimately damage him for whatever remained of his probably very short lifetime. The idea that I could influence that in the least bit from afar I understood was a ridiculous fantasy, and I'm not one to value ridiculous fantasies highly.
If they are sick then they are sick, even if we would much prefer they were not sick. Wishing their condition away and expecting that to have the least affect is by general consensus not a worthwhile effort to make. It implies we somehow have a power to influence what they cannot themselves influence.
Controlling the uncontrollable twice removed isn't a bet I would place anything on. Much the same as if he'd like to fly and my feeling if I wanted him to fly hard enough then he would soar up into the sky.
How reasonable would it be for me to get obsessed with him continuing to walk instead of flying around like a little bird and make myself suffer constantly that he must instead always and forever deal with gravity?
My son may get drunk again after staying sober 10 years now. Alcoholism isn't cured, and remains a constant condition throughout an alcoholic's life. I could get that and bemoan it, or I could just simply get that. Bemoaning it serves zero purpose that I can see.
If I don't drink I'll be 30 years sober in a few weeks. While alive my parents saw me take care of my condition and eventually worried so little about relapse that they on many occasions offered me drinks. They didn't understand what I know and didn't need to, they just took it for granted my sobriety would be permanent and forgot all about it.
I loved that I was able to remove my problem from their concern. Your grandson has a problem that is his business to correct. You can hope that he does that for his benefit, but your involvement in his problem ends there.
If they are sick then they are sick, even if we would much prefer they were not sick. Wishing their condition away and expecting that to have the least affect is by general consensus not a worthwhile effort to make. It implies we somehow have a power to influence what they cannot themselves influence.
Controlling the uncontrollable twice removed isn't a bet I would place anything on. Much the same as if he'd like to fly and my feeling if I wanted him to fly hard enough then he would soar up into the sky.
How reasonable would it be for me to get obsessed with him continuing to walk instead of flying around like a little bird and make myself suffer constantly that he must instead always and forever deal with gravity?
My son may get drunk again after staying sober 10 years now. Alcoholism isn't cured, and remains a constant condition throughout an alcoholic's life. I could get that and bemoan it, or I could just simply get that. Bemoaning it serves zero purpose that I can see.
If I don't drink I'll be 30 years sober in a few weeks. While alive my parents saw me take care of my condition and eventually worried so little about relapse that they on many occasions offered me drinks. They didn't understand what I know and didn't need to, they just took it for granted my sobriety would be permanent and forgot all about it.
I loved that I was able to remove my problem from their concern. Your grandson has a problem that is his business to correct. You can hope that he does that for his benefit, but your involvement in his problem ends there.
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