Complicated mess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Hyper-emotional State
Posts: 23
Complicated mess
Hi all. I'm brand new here so I figured I'd lay it all out on the table....
I'm 30, never married & no kids. I ended a 3 yr relationship about a month into my recovery.
My transformation into that of an addict was an accident. I knew I was playing with fire but I have been fascinated with mood-altering chemicals for a long time now. I have a 16 year history of experimentation and a few instances of psychological dependency (prematurely squashed by unavailability and/or insufficient cashflow). I think the fact that I was able to avoid physical dependency for so long kinda got to my head.
It wasn't until I was equipped with the pharmacological knowledge afforded by a nursing degree and the on-the-job administration & observation of the effect of potent narcotics.....that my curiosity got the best of me & I foolishly attempted to "beat" a drug known to be extremely addictive.
My emotional life at that time was a mess too. Clinical depression, first-time homeowner, financial ruin, demanding job in the medical field, toxic relationship, etc.
I had always had a hobby of fooling the system. Someone who doesn't know me would think I am an innocent, sweet, outgoing person. I always liked that. I knew I could use that to my advantage. But I've always felt intrinsically different.
When I was using, I felt invincible. Like I could get away with anything. The secrecy was such a rush to me at first. No one in my life knew what I was up to. Not even my live-in boyfriend. I had a huge ego.
But I got in too deep. I developed an everyday habit. I didn't feel normal without it. That control that I was so proud of was gone. The drug started to control me. It controlled my personality. How I felt. I couldn't have a "good" day without it. The nurse in me knew I was developing a problem early on, but I just didn't care. And the reasons for that go deep. I am still trying to figure it out. I'm coming to realize that there may not be an answer. I'm diagnosed with depression, anxiety, & panic disorder. Nature or nuture?? Did my 16 years of on and off/heavy & light drug use alter the neurochemical makeup of my brain? Well, yes, I'm sure they did. But permanently?? I bet these thoughts are normal in early recovery, but that doesn't make them any easier to deal with.
So to finish the story....
Something deep inside of me (HAD to be God) told me that I did not want to live my life like that. I had had enough fun "beating the system". The system started beating me. That's when I confessed to my boyfriend first and then my family. Within 24 hours I had decided to admit myself into treatment.
So here I am... Any feedback, thoughts, encouragement? I would SO appreciate it!!
I'm 30, never married & no kids. I ended a 3 yr relationship about a month into my recovery.
My transformation into that of an addict was an accident. I knew I was playing with fire but I have been fascinated with mood-altering chemicals for a long time now. I have a 16 year history of experimentation and a few instances of psychological dependency (prematurely squashed by unavailability and/or insufficient cashflow). I think the fact that I was able to avoid physical dependency for so long kinda got to my head.
It wasn't until I was equipped with the pharmacological knowledge afforded by a nursing degree and the on-the-job administration & observation of the effect of potent narcotics.....that my curiosity got the best of me & I foolishly attempted to "beat" a drug known to be extremely addictive.
My emotional life at that time was a mess too. Clinical depression, first-time homeowner, financial ruin, demanding job in the medical field, toxic relationship, etc.
I had always had a hobby of fooling the system. Someone who doesn't know me would think I am an innocent, sweet, outgoing person. I always liked that. I knew I could use that to my advantage. But I've always felt intrinsically different.
When I was using, I felt invincible. Like I could get away with anything. The secrecy was such a rush to me at first. No one in my life knew what I was up to. Not even my live-in boyfriend. I had a huge ego.
But I got in too deep. I developed an everyday habit. I didn't feel normal without it. That control that I was so proud of was gone. The drug started to control me. It controlled my personality. How I felt. I couldn't have a "good" day without it. The nurse in me knew I was developing a problem early on, but I just didn't care. And the reasons for that go deep. I am still trying to figure it out. I'm coming to realize that there may not be an answer. I'm diagnosed with depression, anxiety, & panic disorder. Nature or nuture?? Did my 16 years of on and off/heavy & light drug use alter the neurochemical makeup of my brain? Well, yes, I'm sure they did. But permanently?? I bet these thoughts are normal in early recovery, but that doesn't make them any easier to deal with.
So to finish the story....
Something deep inside of me (HAD to be God) told me that I did not want to live my life like that. I had had enough fun "beating the system". The system started beating me. That's when I confessed to my boyfriend first and then my family. Within 24 hours I had decided to admit myself into treatment.
So here I am... Any feedback, thoughts, encouragement? I would SO appreciate it!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 20
Hi, and welcome...I'm new here today too (my thread is the one called "I'm the new boy.")
Your story sounds similar to mine in that it's the depression, anxiety and panic that has really pushed me to take action. I find the nature or nurture question an interesting one...the DOC that I'm quitting now is alcohol, but I did my time with MDMA, coke, weed and speed along the way, and perhaps I'll never know which of those landed me with the mental health issues I have now - or whether I had them from the start and was self medicating. When you go from 13 to 35 without some form of crutch it's hard to know what being truly "clean" is even going to be like.
There are some really lovely people here, so I think it's a good place to be. Good luck.
Your story sounds similar to mine in that it's the depression, anxiety and panic that has really pushed me to take action. I find the nature or nurture question an interesting one...the DOC that I'm quitting now is alcohol, but I did my time with MDMA, coke, weed and speed along the way, and perhaps I'll never know which of those landed me with the mental health issues I have now - or whether I had them from the start and was self medicating. When you go from 13 to 35 without some form of crutch it's hard to know what being truly "clean" is even going to be like.
There are some really lovely people here, so I think it's a good place to be. Good luck.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
That was a well written and accurate description of my story too, except my Drug of Choice didn't have to come from a pharmacy, it came from any bar or liquor store. I knew that things were getting worse for me, but the buzz kept that self examination waaay back in the distance. The day came for me too, when I decided that I no longer wanted that life of anxiety, depression and self loathing. I wanted a real life, one where I could be participating and present. I knew that I deserved it.
One of the traps that we can fall into in very early sobriety is obsessing about the path that took us to this place, if we became addicts because of previous bad choices, a tendency to substance abuse because of heredity or personality, contraction of a disease, or an enabling environment. I believe that obsession is counterproductive and irrelevant. I found that nothing happened with my addiction until I decided to make something happen NOW.
Encouragement? I would encourage you to make that plan about your continued use of your drug of choice, flip that switch, and get on with it. You will find your way, I believe, judging by your post which shows a certain amount of understanding of your self.
Keep posting here on SR. You will find as much encouragement and support as you can use.
One of the traps that we can fall into in very early sobriety is obsessing about the path that took us to this place, if we became addicts because of previous bad choices, a tendency to substance abuse because of heredity or personality, contraction of a disease, or an enabling environment. I believe that obsession is counterproductive and irrelevant. I found that nothing happened with my addiction until I decided to make something happen NOW.
Encouragement? I would encourage you to make that plan about your continued use of your drug of choice, flip that switch, and get on with it. You will find your way, I believe, judging by your post which shows a certain amount of understanding of your self.
Keep posting here on SR. You will find as much encouragement and support as you can use.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Well, welcome and congratulations on going to treatment.
I think as an addict we are all in a sense addicted to that euphoria of beating the system or seeing what we can get away with. I spent my life (ok, not my whole life, just the past 30+ years) trying to fool the world, trying to stay one step ahead of everyone so my addiction could thrive unscathed. Funny that in all my years of addiction and trying to win the game I ultimately felt the victory once I quit. Ironic.
Wishing you peace and strength.
I think as an addict we are all in a sense addicted to that euphoria of beating the system or seeing what we can get away with. I spent my life (ok, not my whole life, just the past 30+ years) trying to fool the world, trying to stay one step ahead of everyone so my addiction could thrive unscathed. Funny that in all my years of addiction and trying to win the game I ultimately felt the victory once I quit. Ironic.
Wishing you peace and strength.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 223
I used to spend a lot of time thinking about why I developed an addiction. Finally it didn't matter anymore what the reason was, the bottom line is that I was an alcoholic and wanted to stop. Good for you for not hiding from it. You are on the right track!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Hyper-emotional State
Posts: 23
Thanks for your reply fountainhead. I agree, it's a scary thought to face total sobriety when for the last decade and a half self medication and avoidance was always an option. I'll check out your post after this.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi paintedblack and welcome to the forum!
I can't say that I fully understand my addiction either - just some bits and pieces. After I'd been sober for a while, it didn't matter all that much. I'm still learning about me, though, and that's something I really couldn't do while drinking.
The support and inspiration here is fantastic...... Glad you've joined us!
I can't say that I fully understand my addiction either - just some bits and pieces. After I'd been sober for a while, it didn't matter all that much. I'm still learning about me, though, and that's something I really couldn't do while drinking.
The support and inspiration here is fantastic...... Glad you've joined us!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Hyper-emotional State
Posts: 23
Thank you all for your response.
Freshstart - That is a really good point. You're absolutely right that obsessing over the cause is counterproductive. I will try my best to take that advice. I know it will be challenging because I am very inquisitive by nature I always want to know "why".
Thank-you again everyone for making me feel welcome.
Freshstart - That is a really good point. You're absolutely right that obsessing over the cause is counterproductive. I will try my best to take that advice. I know it will be challenging because I am very inquisitive by nature I always want to know "why".
Thank-you again everyone for making me feel welcome.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I'm glad you have decided to live a sober life. I know how scary it was for me when I stopped drinking and I knew that I had to face myself and figure out how to deal with life without numbing myself. But, know that you can do it, and we are here to support you. 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Painted Black: You can't beat the system because there is no "system". There's only the drug, the chemical, and you. The chemical starts by being your friend. Eventually it becomes your only friend. Then comes the day when you suspect that it's something else, not your friend, and that suspicion grows and grows until it becomes a certainty. The drug has become (or always was) your bitter enemy. And it has enslaved you. I woke up one morning early (did I wake or was it merely a dream?) and there was something sitting in the corner of the room... watching me and waiting. Small, ugly and I shall never forget those eyes. It sat there and waited and I have never felt such hatred towards me by any other creature. And then I realized that the thing knew me better than I knew myself. And the panic I felt was something which I shall never forget.
The only good to come out of it was a wonder that if I had truly seen the devil, must there also be a God? If not, then we are lost indeed! And could it be that there is nothing there in the corner of the room but something incomparably worse, deep within our brain, our nature. This then could be called the Divided Self. There is a path back but it is a hard path, filled with peril and lonely unless a traveller has companionship.
W.
The only good to come out of it was a wonder that if I had truly seen the devil, must there also be a God? If not, then we are lost indeed! And could it be that there is nothing there in the corner of the room but something incomparably worse, deep within our brain, our nature. This then could be called the Divided Self. There is a path back but it is a hard path, filled with peril and lonely unless a traveller has companionship.
W.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Good to have you with us paintedblack.
I can identify with rationales of pushing back the boundaries, and experimentation and not living by rules etc etc...and like you I drank and took drugs until the booze and drugs took me.
I hadn't been sober for longer than 2 months my whole adult life when I quit. It was scary, but I knew I had to do it. and the folks here helped a lot
I've been living in reality for a few years now - I like it, and I like the sober me...I think you will too
D
I can identify with rationales of pushing back the boundaries, and experimentation and not living by rules etc etc...and like you I drank and took drugs until the booze and drugs took me.
I hadn't been sober for longer than 2 months my whole adult life when I quit. It was scary, but I knew I had to do it. and the folks here helped a lot
I've been living in reality for a few years now - I like it, and I like the sober me...I think you will too
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Hyper-emotional State
Posts: 23
Thank-you everyone for your love & support.
I do like the new sober me. It can be hard at times but I have to keep moving forward. I remind myself that I am just dealing with the old problems now from my old life. I am no longer creating new problems. And that alone gives me a great sense of hope.
W - thanks for your awesome post. It refreshed the memory of self-loathing that I felt while using. It's important to remember that I think. Thank-you so much for your wisdom. I can also relate to your thoughts on spirituality. I hadn't really thought of it quite on those terms but it makes sense to me. In a way, my addiction was the best thing that ever happened to me. It has opened my eyes in so many ways. I see life in a entirely different way now. My heart is filled with gratefulness & the awe of God's love. He is there, all you have to do is look for him.
Spirituality is above all the greatest gift of sobriety.
I do like the new sober me. It can be hard at times but I have to keep moving forward. I remind myself that I am just dealing with the old problems now from my old life. I am no longer creating new problems. And that alone gives me a great sense of hope.
W - thanks for your awesome post. It refreshed the memory of self-loathing that I felt while using. It's important to remember that I think. Thank-you so much for your wisdom. I can also relate to your thoughts on spirituality. I hadn't really thought of it quite on those terms but it makes sense to me. In a way, my addiction was the best thing that ever happened to me. It has opened my eyes in so many ways. I see life in a entirely different way now. My heart is filled with gratefulness & the awe of God's love. He is there, all you have to do is look for him.
Spirituality is above all the greatest gift of sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
PaintedBlack: For those who don't believe in God, or say they don't, or those who reject any notion of spirituality as part of recovery, or say they do, then there is one thing which they can hardly reject, the reality that with recovery brings an end to slavery, in this case slavery to a chemical or other substance. Rejecting the notion that Moses ever led the subject peoples out of Egypt to the Promised Land, they might still see this as a metaphor for their freedom from slavery, as well as the notion that this might be possible only by a journey fraught with peril. Such a journey, despite its risks, is better than the life of those who scoff and choose either to remain in Egypt, settling for the unpleasant type of security which slavery provides, or wander off by themselves into the desert alone.
W.
W.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
