GalFriday

apparently I didn't mind staring at these four walls when I was using, but now it is becoming a huge problem. My house is closing in on me very quickly. I am so very disconnected from the outside world...no friends, not even one person to call on the phone and talk to, much less get out and do something with.

I'm making small steps to get among people again, but it will take so much time and being alone is really getting bad for me mentally. I'm thinking more and more about who would notice if I was gone; the postman maybe? Those thoughts scare me and I have to quickly put myself in check so my mind doesn't wander on that subject for long.

I've been to 4 n/a meetings, but haven't said a word or talked to anybody. If I even think about talking I start to get emotional and tear up, so I would just fall to pieces and embarrass myself if i say anything. I went to church last sunday, but didn't know anyone, so didn't talk to anyone, and I left feeling more sad than i started.

I'm finding it difficult to know what are "real" thoughts and feelings, and what are lingering WD emotions messing with my brain. Am I just down-and-out because my brain chemistry is whacked? Or has my life really become a sad hopeless mess? Not that it even matters I suppose, the feelings are real either way.

aeo1313

I was like this 2 weeks ago, but feeling better now. Your son will miss you if you were gone. I spoke at an AA meeting and cried my eyes out through the entire talk, and I felt so much better after. People came up to me and all the women gave me their phone numbers. I haven't called any yet, but I have them. A lot of what you're going through is WD- your brain hasn't had to make any of it's own feel-good chemicals in years- the pills took care of that. Let your brain replenish. It may take a while. You can always message me here- I check the computer regularily through the day.

Dee74

I think isolation is a problem for most of us Gal Friday.
Reconnecting with the world was a slow and laborious process for me but day by day I got a little better at it.

Maybe speaking with others at your next NA meeting is a good place to start?

D

saphira

I hear ya on the isolation. I have family but really no friends to do things with. I have horrible anxiety that makes it difficult to even go outside of the house...even to the store or a gas station. It takes a lot of preparation for me to leave, but I force myself to. I have spend far too long sitting scared inside of my house by myself. I think the trick is baby steps. I like Dee's idea of talking at your meeting. If you can't do that, you could start even smaller. I've just noticed with myself that the only time I really feel horrible about myself is when I'm not making any progress-- when I give in to the lonliness.

Hevyn

GalFriday - It isn't just you. Most of us felt that way early on. We're so used to living in a fog. When we come back to reality it's a shock. I was a zombie for awhile, all my senses & reactions needed to adjust. You will get there - you aren't alone. You have us to discuss it with, & we understand what you're feeling.

Dazee

It's strange how drinking made me feel like I had friends, even though I was alone. The isolation and loneliness is really hard. I would say it's my biggest trigger right now. Sometimes when I feel that way, I go for a drive just to go and see what other people are doing. It helps me to see people doing everyday ordinary things, makes me feel less like I'm missing out on something.
Glad you are on here

choublak

Your son.

CaiHong

Galfriday,
Keep going to meetings, I find it hard to talk at meetings, I usually break down in tears but now I don't care and crying is a great release it releases something inside of us. I always feel better afterwards.
Honestly I don't understand how you think things will get better if you don't start taking the steps to bring about that change.

You can change your life start now.

All the best CaiHong

stepping

Gal - I totally understand where you are coming from! While stuck in my addiction for 8 plus years I did a darn good job at isolating myself from the world hoping nobody would figure me out. I drank to numb everything out; ecspecially the lonliness! It got to the point where I had nobody and didn't even know why I was drinking. That's when I realized PROBLEM!!!!!!! I like how you said these four walls didn't bother me when I was using but now they are driving you mad. It's true I feel the same way.
I spoke up at an AA meeting for the first time last night and left feeling accepted. I thought about it on the drive home bc i almost didn't talk..... Guess what I probably would have been drinking again today and asking myself when the heck will this cycle end AGAIN. After the meeting I forced myself to stick around. Three people came up to me and hugged me after the meeting. HUGGED me. I sat around and chatted comfortably for about 30 minutes...that was all from speaking up once! Do you know how good that felt to feel like I belonged and had friends just because we shared the same addiction? I didn't feel alone for the first time in a very long time. When I got out of the car last night to go to the meeting I literally forced myself to turn the car off and open the door; the thing that I said that made me was "what do you have to lose; nothing.... and you have everything to gain" I hate my life when there is alcohol in my system. I feel more alone than ever. Life isn't about having fun all the time but all we can do is do our best to change a behavior that was causing us so much pain; our addictions! Even if it is a little boring now; it iwll get better. It has to be better than when you were using!
Speak up at your next meeting. I promise you will be surprised. If you have to cry.... do it! I did. These emotions need to be let out. We are all human and thankfully in those meeting we are all the same in one way; we are miserable with our addictions and will do what we have to until we get it right and turn our lifes around. OR our addictions will kill us eventually. There's no doubt about that! We all just want to live!!! We are all there to help each other. Give it a whirl....I don't think you will be let down
Me talking inspired a young guy (only 37 days sober) to give me his 24 hour chip. You never know who you may touch with your words. You just might keep someone sober one more day You got this girl!!! This too shall pass!

sugarbear1

When the pain of isolation got really bad, that is when I opened up at a meeting. Today I have people who understand.

Speak up and save your life. Those people at the meeting understand exactly what you are going through. It works when WE WORK IT!! You can do this!

Purplecatlover

Gf, we all have struggled. We used DOC to disillusion ourselves. Our brains need to adjust. I cried like I've never cried before on day 8. Thought I could die from the pain. I had buried so much for so long. I had to let it out. Tears bring much needed healing.
And to answer your question, WE would miss you!
You've already been an inspiration to many already. Go in to the meeting, cry, scream if you have to but get help. You are important! You are NOT alone. Hang in there, the loneliness will pass. It's part of the addicted mind trying to get you to find an excuse to use again. Don't give in. Fight back girl!

211648

Hang in there, I know it seems bad at the moment, but keep going and your life will change for the better in time; you have a lot of support on this forum.

katrinka

Why don't you go to church again? Other people have problems talking to people they don't know, too, but if you become a familiar face, meeting people will come next. My church is filled with fellowship but I didn't become part of it overnight. Be patient, it will happen for you.

EmeraldRose

The first month I quit drinking I spent it in my house with my dog and just did the basic things I had to. I went to AA, took a shower, went to counseling, ate, vacuumed....basic things. Don't expect the rainbow to unfold at your feet with chiors of angel singing your praise. It took me alot of time (after 30 years of drinking) to connect with MY feelings -after being a wife and mother for so many years, I wasn't sure what my feelings were.
Take your time, sweetie. Things will happen in a progression...things will come to you when it's time.
It can be a very lonely feeling when you're alone! My kids were gone...just my daughter barely lingered...I had only me to deal with now. No excuses, no reason why I should reuse, no reason why I can't connect with myself. Make this a positive time of your recovery. Start reading some inspirational readings, connect with yourself. Find You.

After I had had enough of sitting around...I got a full time job at a major supercenter that we all love to hate. It was the best move I'd ever made. I had to force myself to be one step above the way I felt. I had to force myself to promote myself as a strong independant person. And ya know what? It worked...within 3 months I had a raise and promotion. Not bad for a drunk, ey?

Keep trying to get out...go to church again...you had a reason to go the first time.
Keep the faith...it does get better. Really.

jocata

Gal I promise you that we are your friends. We would miss you, so would your son, terribly.

It's okay to cry at a meeting. We hurt ourselves pretty bad out there. Sometimes our souls need to cry out. It's a part of the healing.

Maybe talk to the pastor at your church. You would be surprised at the number of people who are hurting in church. We are all still sick in some ways, that's why we reach out to others for help. I've learned that we in turn help them as well.

Please don't give up. You need you, your son needs you, and we need you.

God bless.

GalFriday

thanks all

Purplecatlover

Church can be scary & condemning. But Jesus came to heal the broken hearted & set the captives free. There are alot of people like you in church, who pretend to have it all together. I know, I was one of them. Scared of what people would think if they knew the "real me". But I went to hear about Gods love, forgiveness. I had to learn to forgive myself, which was harder. Just keep going & trying. God will lead you where you need to be, just be willing to go. Good luck & God bless hon.
I hope your experience gets better.

macknacat

I did reach that "what have i got to lose" point. Still my old muscle memory - ego and pride- wanted me to somehow look like i had it together. Then i was told: you can't save your ass and your face at the same time

So yeah- i learned that we have all been there done that . All came in Alone , Scared, Blubbering

I kept coming back- went from being that hopeless dope fiend to a dopeless hope fiend

got 16 Big Life clean years and I still give myself the right to cry at a meeting

i posted this as well:

I too jumped hard and deep into my recovery [AA and NA] My sponsor kept me workin. and i packed up with other [mostly newcomers] in the program.
Everything from 100 ppl on a campout to sober bowling....

I also caught that same exquisite sense of freedom of being able to Do New Things- built a couple of boats, became a good father, planted a garden, wrote a manuscript or two, put together a construction business, opened a savings account- even cleaned my house!

Also "recovered" some activities that th booze and drugs had waylaid: went skiing again. Went rock climbing again. Ditto for canoes and kayak...

Just kept at it "one day at a time" . Free and Clean over 16 yrs now.

GalFriday

wow mackcat sounds like you are living life to the fullest and that is so great! I hope to be there too one day. Your now life sounds a lot like my "old life" and it is such a distant memory for me now. I miss that old me so bad. it is good to hear other people's success stories so I can think that I really might get back into the right place one day.

today I went to church. had to FORCE myself. didn't want to at all. but I'm glad now that i did. came home and washed dishes. sounds like no big deal, but feels like I'm proud of myself today. Gonna spend rest of the evening with son giving him my full attention, then it will really have been a good day.

what a contrast from yesterday! these ups and downs sure play with the mind.

Healthyfood

GalFriday

Alco is the first thing that disconnects us from the living world. Staying sober you allow yourself to reconnect again. Does not matter if you have no friends. That belongs to the past when you were friends with alco.

Alco users have very negative and low vibe. You are cleansing yourself and your energy each and every second. Not long and you will start attracting more and more new friends.
I quit because I want to find my true love...