Unusual relationship with me, my boyfriend and alcohol.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 4
Unusual relationship with me, my boyfriend and alcohol.
The tables seem to have turned in mine and my boyfriend's relationship since we have gotten back together.
Last year, when we met I was a total train wreck. I was drinking heavily, often ending in promiscuity or other consequences like car wrecks & DUIs.
After ramming my car into a lamp post, he was there for me when I decided to clean up my act. He said he wanted to get sober too, and that I could be safe with him, and not worry about alcohol. That quickly progressed to me basically living with him, and us being in a relationship without the label. All the while, he basically kept me held up in his house lecturing me for my past behaviors. I was berated, and made to feel like ****, for close to nine months (mostly about the promiscuity that occurred while drinking heavily).
Also during this time, he was drinking daily, and heavily. Anywhere from 6-24 beers a day, often blaming it on me, or on stress. He would drink until passing out. Sometimes he would get raging mad at me for things I did in my past, and I often found myself cowering in front of him, while he told me what a horrible person I was, even though I was no longer acting that way. I managed to stay sober from Feb-October. Then things came to a head, I got severely drunk, and violent. I am typically not a violent person, but this was about 7 months worth of pent up anger and resentment that was being unleashed.
We broke up, and I was still drinking (not as heavily as before, but headed in that direction). I slept with 2 people over the 2 months we were separated. He slept with 5 and was still drinking just as much, if not more.
Fast forward to now, we got back together. I am drinking occasionally, maybe 5-10 drinks per week, and not to the point of being drunk. He still drinks daily, anywhere from 6-24 beers a day. I've expressed concern about this many times, and he's made many empty promises about quitting or slowing down.
I had to bail him out of jail this week for a DUI. He seems to refuse to acknowledge that the reason he went to jail is for being drunk, not simply for refusing to take the sobriety tests or the breathalyzer. I get upset about his reactions to his DUI and tell him he needs to see this as a wake up call and admit that he shouldnt have been behind the wheel. And admit that he needs to make some lifestyle changes.
He gets upset with me asking me how I can give him this "guilt trip" after all the bad things I did while my drinking was out of control. He says that he was so willing to forgive me and that I should be understanding, and give him time to change. Even though he's been promising me to stay sober, or to quit drinking daily ever since we got together. I can count on 1 hand the number of days I've seen him go without a beer (or 6) since last february.
I just dont know what to do. I've realized that I deserve more than this. I am no longer living the lifestyle of an alcoholic, and being in a relationship with someone who is one is not fulfilling. I'm tired of the empty promises, and the disappointments.
I love him, and Im also afraid if I end things with him, it will send him on a downward spiral of even more destructive behavior.
I know this is TLDR, but I'm just looking for anyone who can relate. I feel alone, and secluded in this.
Last year, when we met I was a total train wreck. I was drinking heavily, often ending in promiscuity or other consequences like car wrecks & DUIs.
After ramming my car into a lamp post, he was there for me when I decided to clean up my act. He said he wanted to get sober too, and that I could be safe with him, and not worry about alcohol. That quickly progressed to me basically living with him, and us being in a relationship without the label. All the while, he basically kept me held up in his house lecturing me for my past behaviors. I was berated, and made to feel like ****, for close to nine months (mostly about the promiscuity that occurred while drinking heavily).
Also during this time, he was drinking daily, and heavily. Anywhere from 6-24 beers a day, often blaming it on me, or on stress. He would drink until passing out. Sometimes he would get raging mad at me for things I did in my past, and I often found myself cowering in front of him, while he told me what a horrible person I was, even though I was no longer acting that way. I managed to stay sober from Feb-October. Then things came to a head, I got severely drunk, and violent. I am typically not a violent person, but this was about 7 months worth of pent up anger and resentment that was being unleashed.
We broke up, and I was still drinking (not as heavily as before, but headed in that direction). I slept with 2 people over the 2 months we were separated. He slept with 5 and was still drinking just as much, if not more.
Fast forward to now, we got back together. I am drinking occasionally, maybe 5-10 drinks per week, and not to the point of being drunk. He still drinks daily, anywhere from 6-24 beers a day. I've expressed concern about this many times, and he's made many empty promises about quitting or slowing down.
I had to bail him out of jail this week for a DUI. He seems to refuse to acknowledge that the reason he went to jail is for being drunk, not simply for refusing to take the sobriety tests or the breathalyzer. I get upset about his reactions to his DUI and tell him he needs to see this as a wake up call and admit that he shouldnt have been behind the wheel. And admit that he needs to make some lifestyle changes.
He gets upset with me asking me how I can give him this "guilt trip" after all the bad things I did while my drinking was out of control. He says that he was so willing to forgive me and that I should be understanding, and give him time to change. Even though he's been promising me to stay sober, or to quit drinking daily ever since we got together. I can count on 1 hand the number of days I've seen him go without a beer (or 6) since last february.
I just dont know what to do. I've realized that I deserve more than this. I am no longer living the lifestyle of an alcoholic, and being in a relationship with someone who is one is not fulfilling. I'm tired of the empty promises, and the disappointments.
I love him, and Im also afraid if I end things with him, it will send him on a downward spiral of even more destructive behavior.
I know this is TLDR, but I'm just looking for anyone who can relate. I feel alone, and secluded in this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome, K3.
People will be along tomorrow to give you good feedback.
Your life has been a constant series of crises. I'm sorry. Life need not be so painful. But we have to take responsibility for our part and what we choose.
Would you like to stop drinking so you can then be ready to work on a relationship? If so, the people on the "Alcoholism" board will be there to support you however they can. You'll feel strengthened by a community of people in recovery.
Sobriety is more important for you right now, in my opinion. If you get good advice and take suggestions from alcoholics in recovery, that will set your ship sailing in the right direction.
God bless.
People will be along tomorrow to give you good feedback.
Your life has been a constant series of crises. I'm sorry. Life need not be so painful. But we have to take responsibility for our part and what we choose.
Would you like to stop drinking so you can then be ready to work on a relationship? If so, the people on the "Alcoholism" board will be there to support you however they can. You'll feel strengthened by a community of people in recovery.
Sobriety is more important for you right now, in my opinion. If you get good advice and take suggestions from alcoholics in recovery, that will set your ship sailing in the right direction.
God bless.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Thanks so much for sharing your story, which made me feel rather sad. I wonder how you feel about getting and staying sober now? Do you think you will drink today? There's plenty of support for you here if you want it.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by k3lli 
I slept with 2 people over the 2 months we were separated.
I am drinking occasionally, maybe 5-10 drinks per week, and not to the point of being drunk.
I am no longer living the lifestyle of an alcoholic
I am drinking occasionally, maybe 5-10 drinks per week, and not to the point of being drunk.
I am no longer living the lifestyle of an alcoholic
Hi, I'm known as Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I see an alcoholic in denial when I read your posts.
Are you afraid to spend the rest of your life without alcohol?
As far as your relationship, how is your presence keeping him from getting worse? He is already getting worse with drinking more, DUI, raging and he is not taking responsibility for any of those actions.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Hello K3lli,
Glad you are here and thank you for sharing, yes the drinking is bad, both of you have made mistakes, but I am more worried about the abuse, I grew up in a physically and verbally abusive home and I married a physically (infrequent) and verbally (constant) abusive woman.
You self-esteem is shot, you are living in fear, you got away and you came back (I did that too).
You need help, I was placed on anti-depressants (prozac initially) and theraby to help rebuild my self-esteem and deal with my other issues, it took awhile but I finally saw ME emerge from the rubble that was my childhood and marriage, I understood why I was promiscuous (I stopped counting at 60 partners) I understood why I turned to alcohol and drugs and sex for comfort.
You can find your way out of these destructive patterns, you can get sober, and get a way from an abuser who claims to love you.
If you want to talk I will be here, I will listen to you vent if you do not want any input, if you need a hug or a shoulder to cry on I will be here for that also, if you need someone to tell you that you are a good, loving decent, beautiful human being who deserves better, then I will tell you that every day if you want to hear it.
Big hugs and best of luck to you,
Bill
Glad you are here and thank you for sharing, yes the drinking is bad, both of you have made mistakes, but I am more worried about the abuse, I grew up in a physically and verbally abusive home and I married a physically (infrequent) and verbally (constant) abusive woman.
You self-esteem is shot, you are living in fear, you got away and you came back (I did that too).
You need help, I was placed on anti-depressants (prozac initially) and theraby to help rebuild my self-esteem and deal with my other issues, it took awhile but I finally saw ME emerge from the rubble that was my childhood and marriage, I understood why I was promiscuous (I stopped counting at 60 partners) I understood why I turned to alcohol and drugs and sex for comfort.
You can find your way out of these destructive patterns, you can get sober, and get a way from an abuser who claims to love you.
If you want to talk I will be here, I will listen to you vent if you do not want any input, if you need a hug or a shoulder to cry on I will be here for that also, if you need someone to tell you that you are a good, loving decent, beautiful human being who deserves better, then I will tell you that every day if you want to hear it.
Big hugs and best of luck to you,
Bill
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Hi K3! Welcome. I think you need to focus on you first and foremost. You mentioned " being in a relationship with someone who is one is not fulfilling." He doesn't acknowledge that the reason he was in Jail is that he continues to drink recklessly. In a way maybe you are enabling your BF to continue drinking? Just my take. I know you'll figure it out. A lot of great people here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 4
For those of you who say that I need to get help, I have been to AA, and found that I have no more desire to drink the way that I was drinking before. My opinion on alcohol now is that I can take it or leave it, and mostly I leave it. I have definitely had issues with binge drinking in the past, but I've become pretty disgusted by that, and I am proud that part of my life is behind me. That is partly why Im so bothered by his binge drinking.
It seems that I've become obsessed with his drinking patterns, to the point that I have a log of the number of beers he drinks per day. He says that he needs time to change, and better support from me. Its frustrating because I dont see anything changing, other than the way he talks to me, which is not as emotionally terrorizing as it was before. He seems to be over compensating by being nice and sweet in order to keep up drinking as usual.
Im confused because I am becoming less romantically attracted to him, and my thoughts are generally swirling with concern, fear and doubt for the future.
It seems that I've become obsessed with his drinking patterns, to the point that I have a log of the number of beers he drinks per day. He says that he needs time to change, and better support from me. Its frustrating because I dont see anything changing, other than the way he talks to me, which is not as emotionally terrorizing as it was before. He seems to be over compensating by being nice and sweet in order to keep up drinking as usual.
Im confused because I am becoming less romantically attracted to him, and my thoughts are generally swirling with concern, fear and doubt for the future.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Personally I think you have outgrown him and this relationship/toxic situation has expired.
One of the hardest parts of any adult relationship is acknowledging that it is simply over. Your post implies that you want better for yourself. See, you have already acknowledged that this situation is changing.
Sounds to me as if it's time to focus on yourself. He does not hold the key to your future.......... YOU DO. Take care of you, he is a grown man, he makes his own choices.
He doesn't need time to change, this is some lame ass excuse that allows him to continue to drink................. He's simply trying to pacify you and control the situation.
One of the hardest parts of any adult relationship is acknowledging that it is simply over. Your post implies that you want better for yourself. See, you have already acknowledged that this situation is changing.
Sounds to me as if it's time to focus on yourself. He does not hold the key to your future.......... YOU DO. Take care of you, he is a grown man, he makes his own choices.
He doesn't need time to change, this is some lame ass excuse that allows him to continue to drink................. He's simply trying to pacify you and control the situation.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
