Life is so complicated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: vinton, la
Posts: 38
Life is so complicated
It has been awhile since I have been to this site. So much has changed. My ex A has come back into my life. He broke up with the girlfriend and wants me and the kids back. He knows that he has a problem and he wants to live different. I am having such a problem dealing with all the heart ache from him running off with that girl and us getting a divorce. I still love him and want to see things work out but...i dont know if i can get past it all. Last night my sister called to tell me why him and the girlfriend broke up. She said it was because she did not want to have sex with him all the time and because she felt he was using her. Then he started calling me. I feel as though he is trying to use me. When he first came back he was doing well and seemed happy. once again he is starting to be like he was before he left. I can't seem to move past the hurt. I know if we are going to make it I have to move past that stuff or else I will be the one messing things up. He asked if we could go to counseling so that i can try to work on moving past it and he can work on himself and the way he treats us. he has been thinking about dying alot because of his guilt. he has been very depressed. i stay paranoid about why he is back and how long will it be good like it is right now. I really dont know what to do. I want to believe that it is possible to be happy with him in the future as long as he is working on his disease for himself. this probablly did not make much since but I am once again very confused and very alone. My family is anger with me for even speaking to him. My kids are happy because dad is doing things with them and comes around. Any advice would be appreciated
Hi Heartbroke,
I have been in this situation too, and my advice is Words whisper and actions scream! If he is good now, then your life together will be good in six months or a year! I would say just move slow and if it is supposed to be then it will. This is one of those times we pray for God's Will to be done, not our own. Dont try to force things.... be accountable to yourself and honest with yourself if things are not going the way they should.... If/When those red flags pop up pay attention to them! I understand about the family being upset. I had that too... and I have 3 kids who were so happy when he decided to show up and play house. The pain does subside... not overnight but it does. Think to yourself is it him you miss, or is it the dreams of what he could have been that make you sad. Go and re read your previous posts, remember the bad times a little so that you aren't sugar coating what is going on here. If he has changed at all it will be blatently apparent.
You didn't even ask for advice and I am sorry if I overstepped my boundaries here... these are some things that helped me make a decision. Good luck and keep posting!
I have been in this situation too, and my advice is Words whisper and actions scream! If he is good now, then your life together will be good in six months or a year! I would say just move slow and if it is supposed to be then it will. This is one of those times we pray for God's Will to be done, not our own. Dont try to force things.... be accountable to yourself and honest with yourself if things are not going the way they should.... If/When those red flags pop up pay attention to them! I understand about the family being upset. I had that too... and I have 3 kids who were so happy when he decided to show up and play house. The pain does subside... not overnight but it does. Think to yourself is it him you miss, or is it the dreams of what he could have been that make you sad. Go and re read your previous posts, remember the bad times a little so that you aren't sugar coating what is going on here. If he has changed at all it will be blatently apparent.
You didn't even ask for advice and I am sorry if I overstepped my boundaries here... these are some things that helped me make a decision. Good luck and keep posting!
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Uk
Posts: 3
Oh heartbroke,
I don't have any answers for you, but I sympathize with your confusion and I really feel the hope and the angst in your post. I too am struggling with how to read the signs and how to balance hope with realism, self-protection with open-ness.
But you did say, "I feel as though he is trying to use me" and my first reaction is that kind of thought is a warning signal, like your instincts are trying to get through all the other emotions he is inspiring.
On the other hand, he wants to get help which is a good sign - I think that being open to self reflection and growth and healing are some of the very best tools for crafting a healthy relationship. I do have to admit I'm a bit concerned about your emphasis on your need to 'get over it'. I don't know the whole situation between the two of you, but it sounds like he's broken your heart once already and left you for another woman - so logically, you are smart to be having some difficulty getting over it. he's hurt you before. So I think it's not just you that needs to get over it, but him that needs to prove himself.
Lastly, I really agree with LettingGo's point about asking yourself about whether or not you miss him or you miss dreams of you together. And yes, going slow is good.
Here I am saying I don't have any answers, and I don't, but I certainly have a lot of thoughts...
my thoughts are with you,
hugs and snogs,
K
:p
I don't have any answers for you, but I sympathize with your confusion and I really feel the hope and the angst in your post. I too am struggling with how to read the signs and how to balance hope with realism, self-protection with open-ness.
But you did say, "I feel as though he is trying to use me" and my first reaction is that kind of thought is a warning signal, like your instincts are trying to get through all the other emotions he is inspiring.
On the other hand, he wants to get help which is a good sign - I think that being open to self reflection and growth and healing are some of the very best tools for crafting a healthy relationship. I do have to admit I'm a bit concerned about your emphasis on your need to 'get over it'. I don't know the whole situation between the two of you, but it sounds like he's broken your heart once already and left you for another woman - so logically, you are smart to be having some difficulty getting over it. he's hurt you before. So I think it's not just you that needs to get over it, but him that needs to prove himself.
Lastly, I really agree with LettingGo's point about asking yourself about whether or not you miss him or you miss dreams of you together. And yes, going slow is good.
Here I am saying I don't have any answers, and I don't, but I certainly have a lot of thoughts...
my thoughts are with you,
hugs and snogs,
K
:p
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: vinton, la
Posts: 38
Thank you for your comments. I was very hurt. I know how he is when he is happy...it is wonderful. Its when he feels guilty or bad about himself that things start to get stressed. He is being so different from before. He wants to talk, even more impressive is the fact that he wants to LISTEN to me. He is even trying to understand the way I felt. He seems to have a lot of anexity issues and guilt issues. I only want to get past it so that I am not constently bringing it up. I feel as though he may think I am punishing him by bringing it up. I have to try to be honest and say I could be doing that a little bit. I only want the way he is right now. Our dreams all died when he did the drugs. I just want to make new dreams and be with him the way he is right now. It is just a very scary place to be. I fear things could change and me end up Heartbroken again. I know there are uncertainties in every thing we do...I would just like to be certain that he came back because he loves me not because he is using me.
hello
I don't really have to many words for you other than take it at your pace, one day at a time. I believe that when someone truly wants to change he/she will and can, I have seen it happen.
I had to getpassed a lot of feelings and things that had happened and I found the best way for me was to forgive myself and truly forgive the other person and let it go.
A Poem for you:-)
I Know Something Good About You
Wouldn't this old world be better,
If the folks we meet would say,
'I know something good about you',
And then treat us just that way.
Wouldn't it be fine and dandy,
If each handclasp warm and true,
Carried with it this assurance,
'I know something good about you'.
Wouldn't things here be more pleasant,
If the good that's in all,
Were the only things about us,
That folks bothered to recall.
Wouldn't life be lots more happy,
If we'd praise the good we see,
For there's such a lot of goodness,
In the worst of you and me.
Wouldn't it be nice to practice,
This fine way of thinking too--
'You know something good about me,
I know something good about you!
We can't forget however we can forgive and let go and let out higher power take it all. Good Luck and many many blessing for you and your family.
Remember it is not life that is complicated.........it is what we make of it that makes it complicated.
I had to getpassed a lot of feelings and things that had happened and I found the best way for me was to forgive myself and truly forgive the other person and let it go.
A Poem for you:-)
I Know Something Good About You
Wouldn't this old world be better,
If the folks we meet would say,
'I know something good about you',
And then treat us just that way.
Wouldn't it be fine and dandy,
If each handclasp warm and true,
Carried with it this assurance,
'I know something good about you'.
Wouldn't things here be more pleasant,
If the good that's in all,
Were the only things about us,
That folks bothered to recall.
Wouldn't life be lots more happy,
If we'd praise the good we see,
For there's such a lot of goodness,
In the worst of you and me.
Wouldn't it be nice to practice,
This fine way of thinking too--
'You know something good about me,
I know something good about you!
We can't forget however we can forgive and let go and let out higher power take it all. Good Luck and many many blessing for you and your family.
Remember it is not life that is complicated.........it is what we make of it that makes it complicated.
Hi,
Sorry if I'm a wet blanket but, I saw some red flags in your first post. One was you are feeling he is using you, I know that feeling and it turned out I was right. If you are having that feeling I'd say it's a red flag. Then you said he's having alot of guilt and feels like dying because of it, good way to manipulate your feelings and emotions. I'd keep a close eye.
I'm concerned because in your posts you seem to be worrying more about him than you. Anyone would have trouble getting past what you went through. If you go to counselling do it for you not because he wants you to try and GET OVER IT. He wants you to get over it so he doesn't have to feel guilty about it.
Ngaire
Sorry if I'm a wet blanket but, I saw some red flags in your first post. One was you are feeling he is using you, I know that feeling and it turned out I was right. If you are having that feeling I'd say it's a red flag. Then you said he's having alot of guilt and feels like dying because of it, good way to manipulate your feelings and emotions. I'd keep a close eye.
I'm concerned because in your posts you seem to be worrying more about him than you. Anyone would have trouble getting past what you went through. If you go to counselling do it for you not because he wants you to try and GET OVER IT. He wants you to get over it so he doesn't have to feel guilty about it.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
My advice is.......attend a lot of Al-Anon meetings before making any decision. While you're attending these meetings.....go for coffee with him, dinner, etc. Talk......talk alot. Tell him about your day. Tell him about your Al-Anon meetings.
Go to as many meetings as you can.......
Then, I think you'll know what is right for you to do.
Go to as many meetings as you can.......
Then, I think you'll know what is right for you to do.
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