Ksquared87

Hey everybody, well i am 86 days sober and once again I'm facing another obstacle. For those of you who know, I have been struggling with my relationship with my mother who is an addict as well. In addition to that, and my other family 'issues', I recieved a letter a few days ago from an attorney representing my estranged father.
I have a tremedous amount of resentment towards this individual and what he did to both my mother and I. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with us when I was born and fled the country to escape paying child support. But, back in 2007, he returned and we recieved a bit of compensation for less than a year before he fled again. There was no request to see me or any attempt to contact me, nothing.
In the letter, it stated that he wishes to return to his family in the States because his health is deteriotating. When the matter was investigated more thoroughly they came upon the some 30 thousand dollars that this man still owes us in back child support. The attorney has requested that we contact him about this matter and we will when we locate the information on exactly how much is owed.
The reason I am posting this is that I feel like my morals are being tested here. I've been in AA since becoming sober and it preaches being a good, righteous person and doing the right thing. For those familar with the program, or sobriety in general, you know that we can not afford be overcome with anger and hate or hold on to our resentments. But, at the same time, every fiber in body is telling me to prosecute this @$$hole to the fullest extent possible. I keep trying to tell myself I am going through this because it is what is right and just. He broke the law, tried to escape and was caught, he deserves to be punished. But another part of me is seeking vindication for what he has done to us. Any thoughts guys? I am really at a crossroad.

scrambled2012

I don't know what you should do, but I can say you are being very honest about both sides of the equation here. Being open and honest, non-defensive, is a really really good thing.

Best wishes buddy~~~~I'm sure others will have helpful advise even if I don't

LosingmyMisery

I can relate to your post and what your are saying. I was filled with anger and resentment from family and my ex. My ex owed me back child support and I battled in court to no avail. I attribute that to an incompetent lawyer. There came a time where I had to just walk away for my own sanity, my own well being. There wasn't enough money in the world to keep the battle going. I walked away from the money and the resentment and anger. I didn't have enough fight in me to continue the battle. I can't tell you what the right thing to do for "you" is. I can, however, say that forgiveness is for you. I guess you will have to figure out if you are up for the fight or does forgiveness sound like a viable option? What is more important forgiveness or vindication? I'm not trying to imply anything or suggest one way outweighs the other. I'm just trying to offer some food for thought.

desertsong

All I can say is that forgiveness is very, very healing. When we hold onto resentments towards other people, the only people we hurt are ourselves. I'm not saying your father deserves forgiveness ... but maybe letting go of the past will be more healing for you than reacting on your desire for vengeance.

My alcoholism has taught me so much .. that I'm not perfect and neither are other people. Everybody has a selfish streak and we all hurt the ones we love, whether intentionally or unintentionally. You are completely right to want vengeance against this man, but what will it do for you ultimately? Will it give you the satisfaction you want or do you just want your come-uppance to this guy? Will it make any difference one way or another?

I always ask myself now that I'm sober ... do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? I've spent (wasted) so much time trying to prove to people that I was right and that they were wrong ... and ultimately it never really mattered. What only mattered was whether or not I felt right in my own skin no matter what other people were doing. My dad was abusive and ugly so many times (he was alcoholic as well) and there were SO many times I was in a position to put him in his place. But what would that really have done for me? Made me feel better that I was more superior than he was? That I was a better person? Would it really make me feel better to knock him down to a place where I felt he belonged? Or would I feel better to rise above his selfishness and go on with my life with my head held high?

Only you can answer this ... you have definitely been put through the ringer and I soooo get it. I guess I would just ask you what you would get out of seeing him be "put in his place?" Would you want this for the "right" reasons or just to "get even?" And how would that effect your sobriety?

augustwest

is it possible for you to prosecute this man without holding onto your anger and resentments? I think it possibly could be but only you can answer that question. I don't think any amount of money is worth stirring up anger and hatred in our hearts. those emotions are poison.

MentalLoop

Wow, I came from a totally screwed up family, but I never doubted my parents love for me...relating is a little hard. I do know that as a parent now, there is nothing more precious to me than my kids...not God, not my sobriety, not my wife. Of course I realize that the only way I will do right by them is through God, my sobriety and my wife. What's my point? With any luck, albeit sad, you have been able to detach yourself from your father because he was just never there. But I can promise you this: your dad has a world of hurt going on in his head right now. Please.know I am not suggesting pity, more like an acknowledgement that for a human being to abondon his family goes against innate laws of nature and is only possible when there are all sorts of crazy there. And not even just the alcoholic crazy...much much deeper than that. Many or most of us here have primarily kicked the habit for our kids, the parental instinct is that strong.

So, how would I try to get over my resentment? By acknowledging in my heart that my dad is really sick. Don't confuse that with an expectation or obligation to have any kind of relationship with him. Rather, just an acknowledgement that this individual must be in a world of hurt, sorrow, resentment and fear. And for that any human deserves some compassion. I could not imagine anything in this world bad enough including death to make me leave my kids (in fact my only fear of death is leaving my kids); so when I see people do such a haenous thing, I pity them because I know they have no idea the gift that our kids are.

I know, nothing I said changes anything, but hopefully you can sense that I truly believe that your father is living with torment every second of everyday. That is neither your problem or.issue, but maybe you can take comfort that he has that department covered and you needn't let him rent anymore space in your mind.

2granddaughters

If you had done what he did, would you expect to be prosecuted?
What does your AA sponsor say about this?

You have some decisions to make on different levels and issues here. Pray and consult, you will do fine. This will be a great learning experience when it's over.

All the best.

Bob R.

headstrong

Just an observation, but wouldn't it be up to your mother to prosecute and wouldn't the money be owed to her, not you? It seems like this may be her decision to worry about.

Ksquared87

Thank you everybody for posting. There is a lot of good insight and information here. I still have a lot to meditate on and am praying that I will be led towards the right direction in this matter.