quitforme79

Talked in therapy tonight about how anxious I am this week due to family issues (my brother is a severe alcoholic/drug addict and bipolar) and is on a rampage rt now. He's been blowing up my phone every night (I haven't answered) but it doesn't help my sleeping issue because I just worry worry worry that everyday will be the last day he lives. So anyway, my therapist said if he calls me again tonight, not only ignore his call but DO NOT listen to his voicemail. And my typical addict behavior couldn't let me NOT listen to it. He sounds like he's had 17 xanax and 3 bottles of booze, saying nobody in the family will help him. Help him what? I don't know. But I am not going to call him back. I already had a few anxiety attacks today and can't bear it. Why didn't I listen? I will say that when I was drinking I never called anyone and had a pity party...I hid all my deepest sadness and anger and wore a mask so bright nobody could see thru. Perhaps that makes me more effed up than my brother but at least I didn't worry the crap out of everyone. So yeh...I don't really know what I am asking for with this post except I discussed in therapy tonight that I really missed the numb feeling alcohol supplied in times like these. Feeling frigging sucks.

macknacat

I can only say all those things you have probably already heard: Time takes Time. I can't control my emotions- I can control my reactions to my emotions....

I will add that a bit over 2 yrs ago my adult son had a bike accident that resulted in a Traumatic Brain Injury. After he got out of the hospital he spent the next 6 months obsessing on killing me.. then a lot of booze. this is a small town so i was getting a lot of phone calls , from the busybodies to the sheriff... Not too many restful nights in these past couple years.

last xmas there was another , more serious incident. One more time i could share my experience strength and hope with him. The stuff I had learned via 16 years of Recovery...

He is 36 days sober and going to meetings.

Those years of going to meetings and step work and service and learning to meditate- man they paid off big time- from the 10 days bedside during his coma -to the realization that now i have to be a caregiver for who knows how long- to having the opportunity to be a father to my son [again]- I owe all that to the 12 step road...

be well

quitforme79

Mack, I am so glad to hear you son is sober and I hope he continues to progress. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you and 16 years sober?? Just awesome and inspiring Your first line was actually a major topic in therapy too..I tend to want it all "now", I want to feel better, be over my childhood issues and adult mistakes NOW. I am just 28 days sober. It's going to be a process and there are many things I am learning to embrace. And you're absoultely right, I can only control my reaction. You have helped me greatly tonight and I really appreciate it

desertsong

Quitforme, I hear you. I'm an "instant gratification" kinda gal (which is why I drank). Want everything to happen NOW. It's a process for me to understand that sobriety is a day to day kind of thing and doesn't happen overnight and we're done. I am sorely lacking patience and I want what I want when I want it. With some things, that works but with others, especially the things that really matter, it takes time. But we will get there. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time (and sometimes one minute at a time). Just don't give up. The rewards will be worth waiting for.