worried72

Hi friends,

My RAH has been home from 60 day inpatient for about 3 weeks, and continues to be sober. In the first couple of weeks, he went to meetings several times per week.... one Saturday he went to 3 meetings in a row b/c he was so anxious and wanted to drink to feel better.

However, in the last 10 days or so, he has not gone. I have asked a couple of times about it and he says he is too tired or too sick (he was actually pretty ill - but not exactly on his death bed).

I believe I know the answer to this, but I am still fretful.... how much of this is my business? I think meetings are crucial... his counselors in inpatient wanted him to do the whole 90 in 90, so they obviously think it's important.... he does not see it that way, it seems. UGH.

Do I have a role here? How worrisome is this?

Frustrated...
L.

Cyranoak

It's only your business in the sense that it could create behaviors with which you are not willing to live. You can't make him go, but you can mention (once) that you are concerned he will relapse if he doesn't continue his meetings and by setting a boundary that you will enforce around what, exactly, will happen should he relapse.

Once is concern, more than once is nagging and all the dynamics that go with it.

My two cents.

Cyranoak

Eddiebuckle

90 in 90 is a rulw of thumb for a reason. Does not doing 90/90 mean someone is going to relapse? Of course not... but if he's lagging this soon in his recovery its certainly not a good thing. In early recovery found that I had to work at my recovery as hard as I "worked" my drinking previously. That seems to be the case with most of my sober friends as well.

That said, after you've said whats on your mind, you should probably start looking for a local al-anon group & get involved in your recovery. Takes two to tango.

Good luck!

wanttobehealthy

Cyranoak said it well. Say it once (and if it were me I'd need to carefully plan what I say bc I used to get anxious talking to AH about anything involving him and would stumble and ramble) and be clear about what your boundaries are and tell him. And then be sure you are prepared to follow through.

I don't envy you. It has to be very hard to be in your shoes right now. Do you have friends, family for support or al anon around?

fourmaggie

just worry about you....go to AL ANON...if he has a relapse...you would be someone prepared...but the changes will be good anyhow for yourself when you do go....

lillamy

No.
The consequences of his lack of meetings might become, though. So I would focus on preparing myself for that, like fourmaggie said.

He's going to do what he's going to do. I do like Cyrano's take on it, though -- explain what will happen if he relapses. Then stick to it.

blwninthewind

yup...what they said.

this is the tricky part for us though.

we may think...and even SAY....if you relapse I"m gone or some other boundary that shows how serious we are....

but if you don't mean what you say....don't say it.
It takes away your credibility.
so use your words carefully...
sometimes they just like to 'test' us...kinda like 2 yr olds.

NYCDoglvr

No, none of your business, except as a reminder not to get your hopes up.