Property Lines - a reading from FA
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Property Lines - a reading from FA
On Property Lines
A basic problem at the central core of many parents and loved ones at FA is
enmeshment --- not knowing where our own feelings, accomplishments and
issues begin or end in relation to the feelings, accomplishments and issues
of our addict. In recovery we learn to define a sense of ownership in the
emotional realm. If something is not ours, we don’t take it. And, if by
chance we do take it, we learn to give it back.
Twelve areas of concern for us to work on are:
1. RECOVERY - My recovery is my property; my addict’s recovery is his! I
must deal with myself, my issues and responsibilities. The past I cannot
change, but every minute of my present I can reprogram, and change my
future.
2. FORGIVENESS - It is the spiritual foundation of letting go. My craving
for perfection has made me very unforgiving for mistakes made in the past,
leaving me “stuck” in the past, unable to move forward to focus on the
present. Forgiving myself and my addict is mine for me to do.
3. *BOUNDARIES - Establishing how much I can give without robbing myself of
self-worth or dignity, and not setting myself up for being used, abused or
manipulated - this is for me to do.
4. *HOPING - If someone is immersed in negativity or manipulation or
self-destruction, that is their issue, not mine. I must keep a vision of
how things could be rather than how I would like them to be. By confusing
hope with expectations I set myself up for disappointments. Having a clear
picture of what and what not to expect is mine for me to do.
5. *CHANGE - Rather than reacting on “automatic pilot” according to the
old tapes playing in my head, due to faulty programming from childhood by
my parents, I have a choice and can change how I respond to my addict in
times of crisis. I can change myself - others I can only love. This is for
me to do.
6. *PEACE AND SERENITY - Learning when to keep quiet and be detached is the
key to finding a safe place within our souls. Turning to my Higher Power
for His will, and not mine, to be done alleviates me of the responsibility
of being in charge in times of chaos and confusion. As my serenity grows I
can laugh and be a better listener, two behaviors which are mine for me to
do.
7. ATTITUDES - Changing my outlook on the fact that another’s
shortcomings and *mistakes constitute a threat to me will free me from the
compulsive need to be involved in every decision my addict makes. Altering
my attitude to the disease of addiction is mine for me to do.
8. DIGNITY - I have a responsibility to myself to meet some of my basic
needs. So long as I am attempting to control my addict, I rob him of his
dignity, and rob myself of my own dignity and self-respect for investing
energy and efforts in something so futile and selfish. Preserving my own
dignity is mine for me to do.
9. LOVING UNCONDITIONALLY - I will love everyone for their potential
regardless of what they do or not do. If someone has an impaired ability to
love, care or nurture me, that is their problem and not mine. As long as I
can offer love and support regardless of the circumstances, my potential
and capacity for humanness expands. Loving unconditionally is mine for me
to do.
10. JOY - This is a difficult concept to grasp and maintain because joy,
unlike happiness, is permanent and not fleeting. It is ongoing, regardless
of the circumstances surrounding our lives. It is directly tied to not
having expectations, and to living in the “here and now”.
11. LIMITATIONS - My limitations are real. I cannot fix others no matter
how determined or committed in my efforts. My wisdom is limited, unlike the
wisdom of my Higher Power. To recognize my limitations is mine for me to
do.
12. PURPOSE - I must find my own niche and no longer hook my goals, and my
purpose and happiness, into someone else’s goals, purposes and happiness.
I must realize my potential and my talents, and have my own agenda and my
own purpose - this is mine for me to do.
A basic problem at the central core of many parents and loved ones at FA is
enmeshment --- not knowing where our own feelings, accomplishments and
issues begin or end in relation to the feelings, accomplishments and issues
of our addict. In recovery we learn to define a sense of ownership in the
emotional realm. If something is not ours, we don’t take it. And, if by
chance we do take it, we learn to give it back.
Twelve areas of concern for us to work on are:
1. RECOVERY - My recovery is my property; my addict’s recovery is his! I
must deal with myself, my issues and responsibilities. The past I cannot
change, but every minute of my present I can reprogram, and change my
future.
2. FORGIVENESS - It is the spiritual foundation of letting go. My craving
for perfection has made me very unforgiving for mistakes made in the past,
leaving me “stuck” in the past, unable to move forward to focus on the
present. Forgiving myself and my addict is mine for me to do.
3. *BOUNDARIES - Establishing how much I can give without robbing myself of
self-worth or dignity, and not setting myself up for being used, abused or
manipulated - this is for me to do.
4. *HOPING - If someone is immersed in negativity or manipulation or
self-destruction, that is their issue, not mine. I must keep a vision of
how things could be rather than how I would like them to be. By confusing
hope with expectations I set myself up for disappointments. Having a clear
picture of what and what not to expect is mine for me to do.
5. *CHANGE - Rather than reacting on “automatic pilot” according to the
old tapes playing in my head, due to faulty programming from childhood by
my parents, I have a choice and can change how I respond to my addict in
times of crisis. I can change myself - others I can only love. This is for
me to do.
6. *PEACE AND SERENITY - Learning when to keep quiet and be detached is the
key to finding a safe place within our souls. Turning to my Higher Power
for His will, and not mine, to be done alleviates me of the responsibility
of being in charge in times of chaos and confusion. As my serenity grows I
can laugh and be a better listener, two behaviors which are mine for me to
do.
7. ATTITUDES - Changing my outlook on the fact that another’s
shortcomings and *mistakes constitute a threat to me will free me from the
compulsive need to be involved in every decision my addict makes. Altering
my attitude to the disease of addiction is mine for me to do.
8. DIGNITY - I have a responsibility to myself to meet some of my basic
needs. So long as I am attempting to control my addict, I rob him of his
dignity, and rob myself of my own dignity and self-respect for investing
energy and efforts in something so futile and selfish. Preserving my own
dignity is mine for me to do.
9. LOVING UNCONDITIONALLY - I will love everyone for their potential
regardless of what they do or not do. If someone has an impaired ability to
love, care or nurture me, that is their problem and not mine. As long as I
can offer love and support regardless of the circumstances, my potential
and capacity for humanness expands. Loving unconditionally is mine for me
to do.
10. JOY - This is a difficult concept to grasp and maintain because joy,
unlike happiness, is permanent and not fleeting. It is ongoing, regardless
of the circumstances surrounding our lives. It is directly tied to not
having expectations, and to living in the “here and now”.
11. LIMITATIONS - My limitations are real. I cannot fix others no matter
how determined or committed in my efforts. My wisdom is limited, unlike the
wisdom of my Higher Power. To recognize my limitations is mine for me to
do.
12. PURPOSE - I must find my own niche and no longer hook my goals, and my
purpose and happiness, into someone else’s goals, purposes and happiness.
I must realize my potential and my talents, and have my own agenda and my
own purpose - this is mine for me to do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Slippery Slope?
#4
"Keep a vision of how things could be rather than how I would like them to be"
#9
"Loving someone for their potential regardless of what they do, or not"
"Offering my love and support regardless of the circumstances...."
There was a time I would have selectively read and used this stuff sustain indulgence in my hopeful fanasties and rationalized my own behaviors in the name of support.
"Keep a vision of how things could be rather than how I would like them to be"
#9
"Loving someone for their potential regardless of what they do, or not"
"Offering my love and support regardless of the circumstances...."
There was a time I would have selectively read and used this stuff sustain indulgence in my hopeful fanasties and rationalized my own behaviors in the name of support.
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