First family session....

Old 02-01-2012, 09:49 PM
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Talking First family session....

Today I had a family session over the phone with my fiance (he's 3 hours away in rehab), his counselor and a social worker. At first I was under the assumption that the phone conference was mainly going to be just to inform me of what he was going to be doing once he gets out and it was about that but it was also a therapy session, short but therapeutic.

First they informed me that he will be coming home the 17th of this month and he will be doing an outpatient program that will be 6-8 hours a day, Monday-Friday. And this is where it turned into more of a therapy session and I started to get a little nervous. They started to explain to me that his time is going to be completely consumed with focusing on his recovery and had I not joined SR this would have been unexpected but I had already been warned about how his #1 focus was going to be his recovery and I told them that I had already been anticipating that and that I understood. Then they asked me how I felt about it and I told them that honestly its hard to accept but that I understand that his sobriety is the most important thing and I'm willing to support him cause he's doing what he needs to do so he can be the man he needs to be.

Then I shared with them how much I have learned since he's been in there. I told them how much I learned about my codependency issues (all thanks to SR) and that having this space from him has really opened my eyes and made me realize what my boundaries are. So, of course they asked me if I felt comfortable to share what those boundaries were and while this made me very nervous cause I wasn't sure how my fiance was going to react to what I had to say, I was itching to get it out. So I explained that should he slip and decide to go back down that road of lying and manipulating I would not hesitate to pull my children and myself out of that situation cause I refuse to expose them to that type of lifestyle. My 17 month old son had already been exposed to enough of it and I refuse to put him through any of that again. And of course they were very happy to hear that I have my boundaries in place and I am prepared to act on it if needed. Then they asked him how he felt about what I had said and he said that he was glad to hear me say all of that, that he needed to hear it and he understood it and supports how I feel. He said that he wouldn't expect me to feel any other way. So, that was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

Then they asked me to share with them some of the things that he had done in the past that hurt me (again, only if I felt comfortable) and again this made me nervous cause I had never talked so openly about the horrible things he had done to me but once I started talking, it just came pouring out and it felt so great to get those things out. At first it did throw me off that they asked me to talk about this but I understand that it was because he needed to hear the damage he had caused and take responsibility for it. And his response was positive to that also. He said that he understands that he hurt me very badly and he needs to make up for all of it. He understands that there is a lot of damage that he has to repair.

I can't tell you how surprising it was that this session went so well and that my fiance was so perceptive to everything I had to say. It felt so so wonderful to be able to open up and get things off my chest and to get the positive feedback. We have an understanding between each other now and it feels fantastic.

The reason I wanted to share this with everyone is cause I wouldn't have been able to handle this as well as I did if it wasn't for this site and all the wonderful people who offered me advice and support. I can't thank you all enough for the kind words of encouragement and the harsh but much needed advice as well. I needed that swift kick on the butt oh, and his counselor and the social worker strongly suggested that I look into alanon or some type of self support group cause they said that there will be times when I am going to feel anger and resentment towards my fiance cause of all his time revolving around his recovery. They said that I have every right to feel this way but that the support group will help me get through that. So, I know I have to get my booty in gear and get to work on making that happen. But again, I just wanted to share and thank everyone for all the support. I can't say enough how much it means to me
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Old 02-02-2012, 06:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Krystal32 View Post

.....should he slip and decide to go back down that road of lying and manipulating I would not hesitate to pull my children and myself out of that situation cause I refuse to expose them to that type of lifestyle.
"I refuse to expose my children to someone who lies and manipulates people" is a solid and healthy boundary. When and if exposed to a lying/manipulative behavior "I will remove myself and children from the situation" is how to take responsibility for our boundary.

An attempt to control another's behavior usually begins with " you will/ will not...or else". Attempts to control seek to put someone else in charge.

It's a subtle and critical shift in our own thinking.
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Old 02-02-2012, 05:33 PM
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It sounds like each of you are growing stronger in your recovery. I'm glad the session went so well.

The suggestion to find an Al-anon meeting was a good one. This will help you work your own program of healing and regaining your balance. It has helped many of us here and is well worth the visit.

Good luck to both of you, may your future be filled with happiness and new beginnings.

Hugs
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Old 02-02-2012, 07:46 PM
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I too was asked to reveal my boundaries and the ways in which his addiction had negatively affected my life to my XAH while he was in rehab. (his counselor mediated) I admit, I was nervous too.

It was the first time in 10 years that I realized that I had choices, and a voice.
It was the moment that I realized I had rights to my own life without feeling guilty or making apologies for protecting myself. I had permission, and it felt great!

That moment was life changing for me.

It is a very liberating feeling.
Hang onto it, you deserve it.

Thank you for sharing that.
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Old 02-02-2012, 09:30 PM
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Thank you sofacat, it is a very liberating feeling. I feel like I have set myself free, I'm not buried under his addiction anymore and I am not letting that feeling go for anything
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