ChloeJ

My husband went to rehab for 3 weeks back in September. I'd had enough, and since my opinions were dismissed as"nagging", I sent his mother an email begging for help. It was either rehab or divorce. I had so much hope while he was in rehab, and when he called and asked if he could come home a week early, I truly believed him when he said he had learned all he could learn there. His therapist wasn't the greatest, I knew that when I spoke to her. She dismissed most of his behavior as "guy behavior". I agreed to let him come home. We have 6 children and they missed their daddy.

He took an extra week off work to "get everything in order for his meetings and therapy appointments" and such. Which turned into watching 27 hours of Netflix while I was at work. And nothing else. Finally,a couple of weeks after he got out of rehab, he went to an AA meeting. He went to 5 meetings and then said because he was sober, he didn't need the meetings. He got through step 3, then quit AA saying there was no need for the rest.

I can't "fix him", but I have no desire to spend the rest of my life with a man who is still acting the same way he did when he was drunk. He tells me if I leave him, I am being selfish, taking him away from his kids.

He IS sober. He isn't drinking. But I'm still the one doing everything, and the only change in his behavior is that he isn't physically abusive anymore, and he isn't mean in his comments. I want to move forward with my life, but it still feels like I am living with a drunk. I want to leave. But the conditon I set was him being sober, I just didn't realize I guess that he wouldn't become the person he was before he was an alcoholic.

So, I'm clueless. He's basically said if I leave him, he'll end up drinking again. But if I stay, I'll be miserable still.


I've stopped pushing him to go back to AA, it just caused arguments.

suki44883

The part about him drinking again if you leave him is nothing but an attempt and manipulation. If he truly wants sobriety, he'll do it whether you are there or not. Alcohol gets blamed a lot for things that it really has nothing to do with. Wring the alcohol out of an asshat and you're still left with an asshat. Some things are just natural to that person.

Have you considered attending al-anon meetings? You could use some face-to-face support from others who are dealing with the same issues you are. Of course, we're always here, too, but face-to-face support can really be a tremendous help.

Welcome to SR! Please take the time to read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. You'll find a lot of helpful and interesting information there. Hope you'll hang around and read and post a lot. It will help.

Willybluedog

Welcome tp the SR family, so glad you are here, there is a tremendous amount of helpful information on this site, there are also many others who have been down this road.

It's not you fault and it's not your problem, you cannot make him drink and you cannot keep him from drinking, do what is best for you and your children.

Anytime you want to vent or talk, need an ear to bend or a shoulder to cry on, please come back here, we will listen, we are not supposed to give advice, but we can tell you what worked for us.

Best of luck to you, I will say a prayer for your family.

Big hugs,

Bill

EnglishGarden

Many years ago when I was married to a severe alcoholic, and I was feeling I could not stay if he did not get sober, I told him so. He said, "It will kill me if you leave. Don't you know that?"

I decided to wait and see if he would sober up.

He went to one AA meeting but never went back. He didn't like the mention of "God."

So he decided to go see a medical hypnotist. Faithfully, week after week, he went to therapy with the hypnotist and for three months he stopped drinking.

Then one day he got so incredibly drunk and mean and I felt crazy out of my head and desperate.

So I called the office of the doctor and asked to speak to him about my husband's treatment for alcoholism to find out how long it would take to kick in.

I found out from the doctor--he slipped and revealed the truth--that my husband had been going there to stop smoking. I realized it had been a ruse by my husband, to get me off his back. The doctor didn't know what I was talking about when I asked about alcoholic treatment.

My husband did not stop drinking and became so aggressive I had to leave him.

My leaving did not kill him. He found a new woman within a few months, married her and fathered a child with her.

Alcoholics, I learned, just want to drink. If they kill themselves, I think it is probably because the alcohol has turned on them. Not the wife.

We think if we leave, they will be so devastated and unable to carry on.

But I think maybe, often, they're just glad for the extra space.

I hope you will hold to your deepest protection of self, and choose what is your highest good.

Tuffgirl

Welcome Chloe. As you can see above, you are not alone.

You have some tough decisions to make, and I can imagine the fear if relapse is also there. Keep reading here and keep posting...luckily you don't have to make all the decisions right at this moment. It really helps to stand back for a bit and be as objective as possible.

Take good care,
~T

blwninthewind

OMG... 5 meetings, no sponsor and he's on step three...:rotfxko... QUACK, QUACK, QUACK.

AND he sucked you in....again.

man, he's good.

if you leave him and he drinks...that is HIS choice. It is NOT because of YOU. It is because he needs an EXCUSE to drink again and have someone else to blame.

I don't care how good or bad the therapist was....he talked you into letting him out early. he sat around for a week, didn't do his follow up care, and is now "cured". Cured he isn't. Full of chit...he IS.
and he knows it.

I would like to suggest you try attending Alanon. It isn't for HIM...it's for YOU.
and .... read up on alcoholism. read these SR posts.

I don't know how long this has been going on in your house but I can tell you that having an spouse in recovery is hard too. It doesn't just switch to being perfect...it's REALLY hard. Alanon helps me immensely with my feelings about my spouses recovery and his actions/reactions.
I"m slowly learning what is acceptable and what is not.

As for your babies...of course they miss their daddy! but this is for their benefit. A sober daddy in recovery is much better than a dry drunk daddy or a actively drinking daddy.
Think about it this way...would you want your daughter to accept this type of behavior from HER husband? If hearing about all this what would you tell her?

when I put my kids needs before my own wants...it really makes things crystal clear.

Good luck to you and keep coming back!!

choublak

So, basically, you're taking care of six kids and a grown man, by yourself.

CalamityJane

This is my biggest fear. I think that my husband might very well be able to quit drinking, but then what will become of us as a married couple? Will there be any 'quality' to our marriage, or will it just be empty?
I feel where you are coming from.

CJ

marie1960

Just want to send you a big hug ChloeJ.

"He tells me if I leave him, I am being selfish, taking him away from his kids"

Truly the words of an out of control active alkie. Complete Denial. So very selfish. It truly is his choice, he has every right to continue to drink his life away. But he does not have the right to ruin your kids lives by his actions and choice.

i agree with Tuffgirl, you don't have to decide anything today. Please know we are hear for you. I had to read everything I could get my hands on to truly understand this horrible disease. The stickies at the top of the forum are some of the truest testimonials I have ever read. I saw myself and my situation thru the words of strangers. May you find the answers you are searching for. Take care of you and those six precious kids!!!

CanfixONLYme

ChloeJ - Big hugs to you and your wee ones during this difficult time. You did the first, biggest and probably hardest step ... and that was coming on here and posting your story. It makes it more 'real' that way (at least it did for me), and was something I couldn't just sweep under the carpet or pretend it wasn't happening.

Be kind to yourself, keep listening to your inner voice/gut - whatever it is k, especially if you start feel you're going crazy etc., from things he's telling you and you don't believe him. He's shown himself to be dishonest by not getting his crap together for his work meetings and therapy appointments and then quitting AA after just 3 steps. The fact he's been verbally and physically abusive in the past is sad as well... that must be playing in the back of your mind somewhat... (what if...). Unfortunately, if your AH starts in on his addiction again, that may not be far behind as well. Especially since he seems cocky like he can 'handle' this on his own now... (uh... not)... NEVER in fact!!!

Someone who TRULY wants to get better (mentally and physically) will not balk at going to AA or completing all of the 12 steps (or some sort of recovery program). They will do whatever it takes for them to never use again.

I have been there before with my AH (we are separated now) and it WAS horrible! I don't have any children (fortunately, unfortunately?), to think of, but eventually my AH started drinking again, and then, went into the drugs hard core... and of course, the verbal abuse, blaming etc., was relentless... it was major mental abuse and he almost became physically abusive as well (which I'm getting angry just thinking about). He eventually wanted to 'leave me', so of course, he could go use without me 'nagging' at him (yes, MANY addicts have that stupid blame up their arsenal sleeve). What he didn't know is that when he was 'done', I was no longer around for him to come crawling home to. He's done this 'leaving' charade to me FOUR TIMES in the past 1.5 years and I am too angry and mentally/spiritually/physically worn out. Yeah, it happened 4x... and I too beat myself up for sticking around so long but you know, I have no regrets and no 'what ifs' playing around in my head anymore... - it's all good. I did the best I could and my best wasn't good enough... and that's okay! It will be okay for you too...

... just read as much as you can here - go to some meetings (alanon, naranon), chat with people who are good listeners and just take care of you and your children's needs FIRST. Your AH is a grown man. He can take care of himself.

Big hugs and love,

ChloeJ

I've been reading this forum, and anything else I can find that might help. I was a bit embarrassed after my post, till I came back and read the responses.

Thank you. I've felt very alone in all of this, and it helps knowing there are people out there who understand how I feel.

StarCat

I think one of the things that kept so many of us paralyzed and fearful was the feeling that we were the only ones going through something like this.
The truth of the matter is that your story is so familiar to everyone here. Sometimes the details of our stories differ, but the Cliff Notes all read identical.
We're not alone, we're just too afraid to break the silence, too afraid to admit that we can't do this all by ourselves... But we don't have to.

One of the sayings in Al-Anon is that "We're as sick as our secrets" - and it's true! As soon as we start to tell the secrets-that-shouldn't-be-secrets we feel immediately better. We find the help we needed, the help that was there all along.

You're not alone. None of us are. And that is an amazing gift as we work to put our lives back in order.

Welcome to the forum! I'm glad you found us.

wanttobehealthy

What I wish I'd realized ages before I did is this: Whether he is drinking or not, if the behaviors are the same, the drinking is completely irrelevant.

I thought and stayed trapped for years bc I thought this, that if he was sober then I could reason with him. The behaviors are there in an alcoholic who is not in treatment, whether they drink or not.

Your husband may or may not be sober, but he is behaving as alcoholically as any drinking alcoholic.

Refusing to share responsibilities, being enabled by his mommy (I had one of those too) who says his behavior is just guy behavior, guilt trips, using the kids as pawns... NONE of those are behaviors of a man who is a) invested in living his life responsibly or b) focussing on HIS behaviors vs looking at you to make sure he feels good.

Right now you are already functioning as a single mom.

There are times when I wish I had a warm body around (that's all that AH was for the past year bc he offered no support or help at all with our kids) so I could run to the grocery store without having to drag the kids... But for the most part, it is easier to NOT have him around and since I was already doing everything on my own before, it's actually easier to do that without a grown man king baby underfoot too...

inpieces314

I totally 1000% agree. When they think they are perfect now that they stopped drinking, they think you shouldn't be mad anymore, they think that you should just get over the things they did while they were drunk, they don't realize that they are still hurting you. I used to blame it on the alcohol. But when I bring up the fact that he is still acting the same, he gets mad at me. "I quit drinking and you are still being a $%&@!" There is more to it than that.

I agree with this one too. I have enough crap in my own life without worrying about him too. I get mad at him for not being around to help, but let's be honest, he isn't helping anyone when he is around. So why do I get mad? I am working on that.

wicked

I used to get furious because he was a King Baby! He seemed incapable of taking care of himself and the kids.
It was not fair to me (as his wife and life companion)and definitely unfair being an ass in front of his children.
Not fair.

Yep, I am working on detaching, I have detached from my ex, but I still need more work there.

Sigh.....Give yourself a break.

Beth

nodaybut2day

You know what awesome saying: "What do you get when you sober up a horse thief? A sober horse thief"....it seems like it applies in this situation. Yes, your AH is sober but it doesn't make him a better partner or a better father for your children.

I'm with wanttobehealthy...you are a single mother...of 7 children, with the seventh being a leach. Though I am far from being in your shoes, I remember what it was like to cater to a grown man who acted like a 5 year old, along with a baby and a teenager. Maaaaadness.

Let's be clear here, if someone is taking the children away from someone, it's HIM. HE is choosing, by his actions, by his utter lack of involvement in the family life, not to be involved with the children...and it's not like being sober has erased all the years of abuse and madness he subjected you to.

You have a right to be happy. Your children have a right to SANE home with a happy, fulfilled mama. I strongly suggested Al-Anon, or individual counselling, or heck, hanging out on SR (we have online F&F meetings too!).