New here, but not to "topics"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2
New here, but not to "topics"
Hi. I've been in and out of Al Anon for years. Quick info.: Mom died in 2008 from alcohol overdose. Brother currently in psych. hospital. He admitted being an alcoholic since 2009ish. Stayed sober about a year. Switched from alcohol to opiates and benzo. abuse. Detoxed earlier this month. Left rehab. against program recs. Now he's currently in a psych. hospital. Now I'm currently on this board. I read the Feb. 1 info. from One Day at a Time in AlAnon this AM. He's on the other side of the country from me. I miss him. I'm sad he's sick. It's confusing for me to understand the difference between detaching and abandoning. I hope I've posted this in the appropriate area. If not, sorry in advance. -TPH
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. I am especially sadden about the causes of your mom's death. Please accept my condolences.
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. We understand alcoholism and its effects on family and loved ones. We are here to support you.
I'm not sure I can adequately describe the difference between abandoning and detaching. I will try.....
For me, detaching means allowing another adult to make their own choices, and experience the good and bad that comes from their choices. I allow them to experience life on life's terms. I do not do this out of hate, dislike, or disinterest. I do this out of love of life. Mine and theirs. I hope they learn to love life and embrace possibilities in a healthy way.
I find detachment means that some people can stay in my heart, but not in my life.
I have a very distant relationship with my siblings, for different reasons. One sibling - it is due to toxicity. One sibling - it is due to busy lifestyles.
With the toxic sibling, I can communicate about general happenings in life. She asks for my advise, I offer it. I remove myself from further discussions about her progresses or lack there off. It is emotionally draining to listen to her continue to try to control everyone around her except herself.
With the busy lifestyle sibling - We talk maybe once a year. (our parents are deceased and there are no family get togethers as we all live in different states). I feel close to this sibling even though we don't spend time together. We care about each other and respect the different paths our lives have taken.
Right now, your brother's addiction is emotionally draining your energy. It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to detach while he works on his recovery, it's okay to love yourself enough to take care of you during this time, it's okay to be okay with YOU.
I think there are some older, permanent posts (called stickies) at the top of this forum page that contain more information on detachment. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. I am especially sadden about the causes of your mom's death. Please accept my condolences.
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. We understand alcoholism and its effects on family and loved ones. We are here to support you.
I'm not sure I can adequately describe the difference between abandoning and detaching. I will try.....
For me, detaching means allowing another adult to make their own choices, and experience the good and bad that comes from their choices. I allow them to experience life on life's terms. I do not do this out of hate, dislike, or disinterest. I do this out of love of life. Mine and theirs. I hope they learn to love life and embrace possibilities in a healthy way.
I find detachment means that some people can stay in my heart, but not in my life.
I have a very distant relationship with my siblings, for different reasons. One sibling - it is due to toxicity. One sibling - it is due to busy lifestyles.
With the toxic sibling, I can communicate about general happenings in life. She asks for my advise, I offer it. I remove myself from further discussions about her progresses or lack there off. It is emotionally draining to listen to her continue to try to control everyone around her except herself.
With the busy lifestyle sibling - We talk maybe once a year. (our parents are deceased and there are no family get togethers as we all live in different states). I feel close to this sibling even though we don't spend time together. We care about each other and respect the different paths our lives have taken.
Right now, your brother's addiction is emotionally draining your energy. It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to detach while he works on his recovery, it's okay to love yourself enough to take care of you during this time, it's okay to be okay with YOU.
I think there are some older, permanent posts (called stickies) at the top of this forum page that contain more information on detachment. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Thankful for 1st reply from this community peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Here is a link to one of the stickies about detachment:
Detaching - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
How are you doing today?
Detaching - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
How are you doing today?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Welcome to SR!
That is a great question.
The difference between detaching and abandoning.
My RAH says I am ignoring him.
I say I am detaching.
but he's used to the way things have always been...he says/does something and I react and try to 'fix' the situation FOR him.
I now let things fall where they may...It isn't my responsibility to fix everything. It doesn't mean I don't love him. it doesn't mean i don't WANT to fix it...but I know I can't and if I do....i'm getting sucked in.
I can't get sucked in.
You can't either.
I don't understand why he doesn't see what I do but perspective is a funny thing...and it is what it is. I just go to my alanon and do what they say will help ME and it in turn does help them too. I would like to suggest you try an alanon meeting. It has really really helped me a lot!
I still feel guilty sometimes but I know I'm not doing him any favors but rushing in and fixing everything...so I just pray about it and keep doing what I'm supposed to.
Good luck..and keep coming back!
That is a great question.
The difference between detaching and abandoning.
My RAH says I am ignoring him.
I say I am detaching.
but he's used to the way things have always been...he says/does something and I react and try to 'fix' the situation FOR him.
I now let things fall where they may...It isn't my responsibility to fix everything. It doesn't mean I don't love him. it doesn't mean i don't WANT to fix it...but I know I can't and if I do....i'm getting sucked in.
I can't get sucked in.
You can't either.
I don't understand why he doesn't see what I do but perspective is a funny thing...and it is what it is. I just go to my alanon and do what they say will help ME and it in turn does help them too. I would like to suggest you try an alanon meeting. It has really really helped me a lot!
I still feel guilty sometimes but I know I'm not doing him any favors but rushing in and fixing everything...so I just pray about it and keep doing what I'm supposed to.
Good luck..and keep coming back!
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