quetzal

I was having a relatively okay time tonight got my new iphone, which really made me happy. Checked FB and saw that my AH EXBF was going out with his cousin and some other girls for his BDAY. It's none of my business now since we're no longer together, still hurts though as I thoroughly enjoy his cousins company and I feel left out. It just blows my mind that he would rather avoid me and his issue because I know that I represent a reminder.... to what he did that was so awful to our home that night. Also the fact that he doesn't want to take responsibility or ACTION towards recovery.

I've been coming from an angrier place lately, a place that is not wanting to be logical. I am angry for the loss, these last few nights have been difficult again. I was so hurt and now I'm just in awe on how he could say so much and in the end do so little....

transformyself

I unfriended and blocked my AH long ago, after incident after incident of being hurt. It's so much better now. It's like I put myself in a time out because I was obsessive about checking his status and pictures and everything. Stalked him, for real.

I knew it at the time but it took a lot before I was able to stop myself. I think it had something to do with my A father, the familiarity of feeling unloved and the hope of maybe this time I can make him love me.

But no. That pain ended for me not because I was able to force AH to love me and change, but after I had a taste of detachment and was honest with myself. Emotional detachment from AH is the only tool that actually, long term, allows me to feel better. It offers me absolute freedom.

Focus on me. Leave him alone. Life gets better.

Linkmeister

I blocked my ex not long after I broke up. It was hard to hit that button at first, but a huge relief once I did it. A final break, so to speak.

FB caused me enough grief when we were together so I made sure that he was out of my cyber-life as well. He always shared his disdain with me for FB, yet, he is is back there now, trolling for women, all a good distance away from him, to perpetuate the lie his life is.

Ellensburg

Quetzal, I know this hurts... I ALSO HATE facebook... it is soooo hard on dating relationships. (my AXBF wouldn't even put pictures up of me...ever! Once he did because I said it hurt my feelings that for months I had been putting him all over the place, and never ONE time had he shared one of me or my kids. I shared one with him once, and i mentioned that he could have at least "liked" it or said something like ..."that's my girl." ) He then ran home like a little toddler in a temper tantrum and put two pictures up and said "that's my girl" on both... Only because he was so angry. Our mutual friends commented... awwww....sweeeeet... Haahahaha little did THEY know he was doing it out of anger. I told him i thought he acted viciously and it hurt.. He promptly removed them. LOL! I think they were up on his page, for ummmm about 2 hours. WHAT a great boyfriend! yay me! Many, (and I mean many) of the friends on his FB were single beautiful women. It was difficult for him to flash my picture across, seemingly admitting that he was smitten, or taken. UGH. Hurts to look back and realize I put up with all this crap. He is now trolling for women on his FB.... BUT I have to say:

I HAVE NOT ONCE- IN NEARLY 2 AND A HALF WEEKS LOOKED ON HIS FB. I DON"T want to know!!! I know I could not handle seeing all the women on there. (new faces, etc. ) HE is very private in his FB activity, he always blocked me from seeing all his stuff, not sure I could see anything anyway. But I Don't look anymore...I DON't DARE! Your XABF has to live his life and do what he needs to do to feel social too, just like you. You have to ask yourself if your cousin invited you out with 3 or 4 other guys to celebrate your birthday, would you go? I probably would! Even though I have been really blue about losing this relationship... He probably thought it would be good for him. He sounds like he is working on detaching. Just like you are. IF he still chooses to go out and drink, than we know, this will affect him in the long run. Too bad for him...That he is not working on his recovery. BUT Good for you Quetzel, that you are free from THAT...(his world)

Also, I wanted to share what my counselor told me yesterday... he said..Our relationships that don't work AREN'T really anyone's fault. There is nobody to blame. "IT is just an accurate assessment of information that we have gathered, that this is not going to work...nobody can really REJECT us. This is not possible. WE may look at it that way... but THAT is not accurate...We cannot be rejected by another person if we don't allow ourselves to use that language in our heads."

Moving on, as you well know doesn't mean to start dating again, at least right away, it means, find yourself, start over fresh, look at things differently...treat yourself- over and over and over You ever see "EAT PRAY LOVE?"
HUGS to you...Hold your head up high. YOU GOT THIS.

WendyOWilliams

I am glad OP posted this. I am going through the same silliness. I feel like I'm in high school or something. ExRAB's new enabler is very manipulative and posts all over the place and banters with him. I have them both blocked but the new fb settings are causing some of their content to seep through via other friends and fanpages that can't be blocked. It's very annoying.

I refuse to be pushed off because I make a lot of social contact there. An old friend asked me to go to see a play this Sunday for example.

Breaking up and no contact were a lot easier before the web *sigh*

suki44883

What you don't know won't hurt you. I only use facebook for my "Eagle Peeps" and associated sites. I have my profile set to private and the only two people who are "friends" are my two daughters. You can control who sees your page and also what you can see. Maybe some changes are in order?

AlcoholicLove

Unfriend him NOW!
Why put yourself through that?

Diva76

I can relate to the FB thing...when my ex-alcoholic boyfriend and I spilt up, I felt so humiliated because we initially met in middle school and had a lot of mutual friends that we both went to high school with...

I frankly didn't feel like explaining that the guy we all knew and loved back in high school turned out to be a drunk...

It's upsetting enough without stirring up more drama with old pals from high school....

Oh and to top it off, one of his female drinking buddies who I am convinced wanted him basically had a field day defaming my character when people were asking him why he was suddenly single?

All of that turned me off enough to say no more and I deleted every single one of my "friends" and took my profile down...

Just recently, I happened to see my ex's page and if nothing else, it proved exactly why I needed to get away from all that nonsense...

It's really sad, actually...
He looks so much worse than he did when we parted ways back in September...

Only, I choose not to torture myself by continuing to witness his demise...

It never ceases to amaze me how Alcoholism can take an otherwise, gentle and loving man, as my ex once was to me and turn them into a person that I no longer recognize...

I do miss him very much, but active alcoholism is NOT an option for me...

Thanks for allowing me to share...

skippernlilg

Tools: unfriend, block and Hide newsfeed. They work GREAT!!

quetzal

Yes yes, I had hid him but saw it through the other people's posts that we have as friends. Yes we don't connect in the cyber world anymore and that came with its own painful demise as I just hid him and he all out blocked me and my best friend. His problem not mine, anyway thank you for all your thoughts

mattparadise

Unfriend just like ignoring on here.

blwninthewind

You are not going to like me much...but I can live with that....just my own little disclaimer.

"Checked FB and saw that my AH EXBF was going out with his cousin and some other girls for his BDAY. It's none of my business now since we're no longer together, still hurts though as I thoroughly enjoy his cousins company and I feel left out. It just blows my mind that he would rather avoid me and his issue because I know that I represent a reminder.... to what he did that was so awful to our home that night. Also the fact that he doesn't want to take responsibility or ACTION towards recovery."

Why would YOU want to spend HIS birthday with him? and why would he want to spend it with you when you clearly know he's an alcoholic and he won't be able to throughly get sloshed and have what he thinks is 'fun'...??

I'm shaking my head because it's HIS birthday...he is going out with HIS cousins...it isn't your concern or your business because your broken up.
Loss is hard. But you don't really have a fighter in this ring.
You gotta move on....you dodged a bullet.

This is codependent behavior.
Have you read Melodie Beattie's book Codependent No more?
It is EXCELLENT.
I would never ever have thought to read it until someone told me how good it was.