jazsuo

Hi!

I am new to the forum, and am a bit unfamiliar with the terms used so please excuse me if I offend someone by using wrong terms.

I should start by explaining my situation, I am working at a nightclub as a promotor/bartender in a country where I'm not really capable of speaking the local language.

A few months ago, I met the girl of my dreams, and I still think about her that way, but a few things have come up since then. The girl is 22 years old and works full time as a waitress in a restaurant. Whenever she's not working she likes to spend time with her friends and hates to sit at home. Now, at first when I met her I didn't see this a problem, and I was more than happy that she came almost everyday with her friends to the nightclub I am working.

Until after a while she started saying that she wanted 'more time to herself'. Which basically meant that she wanted to be with her friends also on the evenings that we were both off from work and enjoyed a quiet night at home before. Also this, I decided that was acceptable at first, since we hadn't been dating for that long time, and I didn't want to push her away by being too 'needy'. So now she started to come home in middle of night, being extremely drunk, if I was lucky, if I wasn't she just wouldn't come home at all, sometimes for longer than a day.

She also doesn't have the money to drink as much as she does which has brought her to the point where she owes several credit-companies an extensive amount of money, and she owes me an even bigger amount of money.

Now a few days ago I lost it, and I told her that she had a problem, and I practically begged her to get help. We're now a few days further and I have moved out since then and I told her that even though I really want to help & support her, I cannot continue having a relationship with her. She coped pretty well with it, and promised to try and change.

Also, I feel like I am the only person who realizes she has a problem, cause her friends don't see it. They all suppose that she goes out just as much as they do, but the difference is that where they go out one day a week or so, she will go out the next day with other friends, and so on. Her sister is pregnant and very busy so I don't really want to bother her with it either, even though I know that her sister knows also she has a problem.

I talked about it with her ex-boyfriend who explained to me that he understands me and has told me has tried to help her for 3 years, without much of a result. I quote "She takes 2 steps forward and then 3 backwards".

At this point I really don't know what to do with her, myself or the situation. Should I just forget about her and not care (Like most of her ex'es did) or should I follow my heart and try to help & support her as much as I can, even though I know that it's gonna be a very long & hard process, where I don't even know if there is gonna be any result.

Please, give me some advice,

J

P.S. I am sorry if the story is a bit confusing, I am at the moment pretty shaken up by the whole situation + English is not my first language, but unfortunately I cannot find really good help-forums in my own language. Please excuse me for that.

EnglishGarden

Welcome to SR. Glad you reached out.

She loves drinking more than she loves you.

If you get in the way of her drinking, she will resent you, possibly hate you.

If you rescue her from her chaos in any way (money, shelter, baby talk on the phone), you have just fueled more drinking.

There are many here who will speak to that and will be along.

For now, please educate yourself by reading the information on the opening page, under the headings "Sticky".

What I hope is that you stay away from her and let her crash. But your decision must be one you believe in. So do read up.

Good luck!

BobbyJ

I was married for 16 years, thinking I could change & cure & fix his drinking

It didnt work! Now, divorced

The staggering in late at night soon became not coming home for the entire
weekend

He began to lie, cheat & steal money to buy more booze

He had his friends & himself convinced, he was only a social drinker

He manulipated everyone around him

He got deeper in debt as the time went by

He once had a great job & made lots of money.Today no job

He went to rehab last year for 30 days & it cost $10,000

He only worked 5 months out of the year

He is now back in rehab for 90 day & it cost $5,000

He has taken out $40,000 of invested money over the last
year, to pay for more booze & another trip to rehab
Not too bad of a wage for only working 5 months out of 12....

I didnt just give him support...I gave him my soul
If I could turn back time, I would of got divorced 16 years ago!!

MY STORY does not fit all...It fits MOST!

blwninthewind

Sounds to me like her ex's DID try to help her.
but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
If she isn't ready, doesn't think she has a problem no matter what you do she won't think she does.
You are beating your head against a wall.
You already moved out...what is left? You can now say ...I won't see you anymore...but wait! She already said she wants to spend more time drinkig w/ her friends...so ..????????
She's showing you who she is...believe her.
You can love her and still leave her and have a good and fulfilling life.

SoaringSpirits

Hi jazsuo,

Your English is great. No apologies needed there!

You sound like a decent person with a lot to look forward to. This woman loves booze and partying more than she loves you. There is nothing you can do to change this. I suggest you cut your losses and move on. It is a losing proposition, loving an active alcoholic.

My much loved husband of 16 years recently was given the choice: booze or your family. He choose booze.

My advice? Run, fun fast, and do not look back.