onathread

DH Relapse:

He hasn't had a drink since last April. Last night I thought he smelled strange... this morning when I woke up the bedroom reeked. So.... I confronted him this morning and he confessed. I can deal with this, but here's the kicker. When I pressed him on it, he told me what he drank was a whole bottle of mouthwash.

Appreciate some input here.

skippernlilg

How's your recovery process going? I'm less concerned about your AH and more about your thoughts/plans/actions about taking care of YOU. His actions seem to be setting you sideways (and I think I would be, too).

My input is try to get thyself to an Al-anon meeting 'stat'.

choublak

That's dangerous...really, really dangerous.

Freedom1990

What kind of input are you looking for, dear? I'll be glad to share my experiences once I have a better idea of what you are wanting.

Sending you hugs of support!

wanttobehealthy

Like others have said, my input would be al-anon or a good friend who gets it and do somethings for yourself today.

Beyond that, I don't know how much or how little to share.

I read your post and had a visceral reaction to be honest. I felt that moment of anxiety when I KNEW AH was drinking and felt the anxiety of asking him and getting an answer.

Do you have boundaries in place for yourself about what you will and won't live with? Is one relapse okay but on going relapses a deal breaker?

One thought I have is maybe you take some time to consider what your bottom line is. I wish I'd done that a lot sooner bc I kept raising the bar and telling myself it wasn't that bad, when in fact, it was.

Portia123

Dear Onathread: My AH/RAH has relapsed so many times our counselor has advised me to think as if he is an active alcoholic, while working my Al-ANON program and other tools i"ve learned to "deal" with this. So I speak from my experiences only. My RAH continues to go to his IOP, we do our couples counseling, he goes to AA - but he relapses. I expect relapses. My RAH hides his drinking, lies about it and will manipulate situations so he can get a bottle. It's the nature of the disease.

My RAH did a 5-day binge last week and got so sick, he's again adamant he is done drinking, he's done an AA meeting every day and goes to counseling and group therapy. I still expect him to relapse, but this time I told him I'm not sure I can live with this anymore and if it continues much longer, I'm going to consider a divorce. That woke him up big time - our counselor says I'm his rock and one of the biggest reasons he tries to stay sober. So I use that information to MY benefit, not his.

So, I suppose what I would suggest is let it be and take care of yourself. Take what you like, leave the rest. God Bless you!

onathread

I'm not sure what I'm wanting in the way of input. Just needing a sounding board, I suppose. I fully expected a relapse at some point. The mouthwash.... uh, no, I did not expect THAT. I don't understand how someone can not have a drink for 9 months and then choose to relapse with mouthwash. But I guess that's because I'm not an alcoholic!

No, I won't leave him. He's a good man with a serious problem. His problem doesn't control my life anymore. I do focus on taking care of me and my kids. Would be lying to say it's not depressing though to come back to these waters....

onathread

Our two older children know about his issue and I talk openly about it. Our youngest, who is 9, does not know.

I think anyone who believes there is a perfect man out there who never causes any grief or issues is just fooling themselves. If it's not this issue, with someone else it might be porn, unfaithfulness, laziness, being a slob, anger, abuse, staying out all night with friends, just generally being an a**hole, etc. etc. I am in a job where I know a lot of people pretty well and I don't know ANY who don't have some kind of issue they struggle with... and I'm sure there are plenty of ghosts in their closets I am not even aware of.

What I am saying is that I'm not giving up on him just because he struggles with this area of weakness. There's a reason your marriage vows say for better or for worse. I believe in them.

Portia123

Yes, the disease progresses if not arrested. My RAH/AH was sober for 6 months at one time and something happened with his daughter that triggered a relapse. He went back to IOP, but he is on and off on his sobriety. I know his spirit is willing, but the disease overtakes the spirit. So, mouthwash now, maybe next week back to whatever his drink of choice was, and in my case, it came back with a vengence - his relapses are shorter together and his binges are longer. After when I described above, his spirit is willing again and he's working his program. I can only pray to my HP that this time it sticks, otherwise, I go to the tools I've learned to cope and to take care of myself, without enabling him.

Mouthwash? Really? I know if you're on antibuse you can't use sundries that contain alcohol, but I am not aware you could get drunk on mouthwash. I had a colleague who was/is an A and he kept it in his desk to hide the smell. Hmmmm...

You sound very strong, and if you haven't been to Al-Anon, you might try it. Was a life saver for me, I'm in my third year and is invaluable to my life. Again, take what you like and leave the rest...... XOXO

Portia123

P.S. I know what you're saying about the marriage. I think that way too. I love my sober husband, he is one of the greatest people I know. The vow I took I take seriously too... My husband is sick and I am as compassionate as I can be, supportive about his sobriety but without enabling him, I let him suffer his own consequences of drinking and I detach from him when he's drinking so i can take care of myself. Al-Anon taught me all these things.

onathread

I just read that and decided it sounded rather harsh. I don't mean it that way. I just want to talk about this struggle and get input, but I'm not interested in leaving him. I realize everyone's situation is different, and I may get to a point someday where I change my view for my own situation.

I get a lot of out reading the posts on these forums.... sometimes I just feel that people are a little quick to pile on with the "leave him, leave him" advice.

choublak

Read this if you haven't already...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rtificate.html

LostinBA

onathread, One thing I have seen here is that people aren't always saying leave. I think what they are really saying is protect yourself. I probably wouldn't have left my AW (honesty there), but her leaving me because I wasn't happy with the drinking was out of my control, and the unexpected happens. I'm glad you aren't running from it, but be open minded (take what you want, leave the rest) and realize that it's an issue, and are "you" ready if his drinking causes him to leave you. If you are, then you are in better shape than I was at the time and I wish I had known about this place and these people before it all happened. Protect yourself, love your husband and family, but be ready for changes... They seem to pop up when least expected.

Cyranoak

happens all the time. he will never stay sober without working a program of recovery regularly, and the fact that he's at mouthwash level means it's very, very, very serious.

Get thee to an Alanon meeting and you'll begin to figure out how to handle these things.

Good luck,

Cyranoak

lillamy

While there aren't any perfect people out there, there are people who handle their imperfections or issues or skeletons in a way that is not damaging and detrimental to the people around them. I just find it very depressing the way you think of all men as being so messed up that you might as well keep the current one.

I respect your conviction that marriage is for better or for worse. I would just gently like to offer that I told myself exactly what you're telling us when I was married to an A. That it was just one part of who he was, and that people who said "you need to leave him" just didn't understand or demanded too much of life, of their marriage. They expected perfection.

I never expected my partner to be perfect. But for me, being married to an alcoholic for 20 years meant that I lowered my standards for what was normal, and I started gradually accepting the unacceptable. It was very much one tiny step at a time. I would say, "well, at least he's not drinking until he pukes"-- and then he'd do that, and I'd back up one more step and say, "well at least he's not getting so drunk he pukes in the sink" and then he'd start doing that and I'd back up again. Until he was drinking mouthwash and puking all over himself. And I had come to accept that as "normal." Because it happened so gradually, my accepting the downhill, that I didn't realize it was happening.

Everyone has some stuff they're dealing with. But every one of us also has the right to say "the issues you are dealing with, and the way you are dealing with them, are unacceptable to me."

I'm not telling you you're wrong and should pack your bags and run for the hills. I'm just giving you my perspective. Because not every man is an alcoholic. Or a porn addict. Or a general jerk. But that's what I would tell myself, too. The devil you know is better than the devil you don't.

I ended up without any man at all when I left AXH. And that was much better than the devil I knew.

choublak

I'm not saying leave or don't leave. All I'm saying is, drinking mouthwash is dangerous and not to be taken lightly.

naive

talk away. we are listening.

i found keeping a daily journal helpful. pehaps it would help you.

naive

lillamy

I'm not telling you to leave either. (You should hear the stuff I thought in my head when people told me to leave... it wasn't pretty...)

I think I'm just telling you to choose to stay, if your convictions lead you to, but don't justify it by saying "all men are pigs in some way"... because they aren't. And also to be aware that it is a choice, and you have a choice.

When I was biting people's heads off for suggesting that I should leave my AH, one Al-Anon friend said to me, "You don't have to leave. But you have to let leaving be an option. Because it is, and if you don't let it be, you've got blinders on and you're not looking at your options realistically. And you can only make a wise choice if you are aware of all your options and look at them without foreclosing on any without considering them carefully."

onathread

Ok, I read the listerine poisoning link above. Nothing there that is a surprise to me. I guess I have been dealing with this long enough that I know and accept that he might die, and my life will go on. I realize I can't do anything to stop that, if that is what he chooses.... or where this disease leads him. I do believe his problem is serious; not in denial about that.

I do not think all men are jerks or alcoholics, etc., I just think that everyone has issues and problems. Some worse than others.

I love him.... I love the person that is still there underneath the garbage heap of addiction. I believe in a bible definition of love - love that does not fail, it believes all things and hopes all things. That's how I intend to love him. Doesn't mean I won't love or take care of myself or my kids.

startle

My wife told me about a year ago if I didn't quit she was gone. I didn't and she didn't go anywhere. I heard her tell a friend of hers the devil she knows is probably better than one she doesn't. Since then she has joined weight watchers and lost about 30 lbs. I'm thinking the next time she tells me shes leaving, she will. Aren't they supposed to get divorced first and then lose the weight etc?