Help please...
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Irving, TX
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Help please...
Hi Everyone! I just joined this site. I am trying to get some clarity. I personally have never battled with drug/alcohol addiction so I could very well be insensitive to some of the challenges faced with those addictions. I have been married for a little under a year. My spouse and I have been involved for 2.5 years in total. He had a previous addiction and has been clean since 5/1/94. He does not attend any meetings and has not been drinking or doing drugs. What I have witnessed quite a bit is constantly seeking out female attention, pornography, angry outbursts, continuing to ask me the same questions 34 times, and blaming me for everything he has or has not accomplished in his life (even before knowing me). I know that nobody is perfect and that we all have opportunities for growth. We have tried counseling with a professional counselor and our pastors at church. He would not go back after the first visit. We have never lived together as husband and wife. What just hit me recently is-could he be battling something from when he was addicted that has gone unresolved? He is so extremely angry about something and it goes well beyond the time we have known each other. If so, how do I come across in a supportive and encouraging fashion? It is possible for addiction to take other forms? I really don't know anything about this and would greatly appreciate any guidance I could get. I don't want to unknowingly be causing more issues because of lack of knowledge on my end. Thanks so much for your time and input, it is greatly appreciated!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR. I hope you find answers and comfort here.
Addiction comes in many forms. Drugs. Food. Internet. Pornography. Alcohol. Gambling. And I'm sure there were some that I failed to mention.
The focus of the addiction is just one aspect of it. There are behaviors that go along with addiction. It's hard to say if your husband has addiction issues or he's just got other issues.
The biggest question is....are his behaviors acceptable to you? Or is the quality of you life being impaired by his behaviors?
My belief is that when one person in the marriage thinks there's a problem in the marriage, the marriage has a problem. Unfortunately we can make another person change if they don't want to. So we have a choice continue with the status quo or change ourselves.
When my ex and I were having problems, I begged him to go to counseling with me. He kept saying "we don't need it. I don't think there's a problem." He finally went to one session. He didn't like that the therapist called him out on some of his nonsense and he refused to go back. So I went back alone to work on me and to help me find a solution to the problem.
Your situation sounds unusual in that you state that you aren't living together. I would strongly suggest that you continue to work your issues with a therapist whether he joins you or not.
gentle hugs
ke
Addiction comes in many forms. Drugs. Food. Internet. Pornography. Alcohol. Gambling. And I'm sure there were some that I failed to mention.
The focus of the addiction is just one aspect of it. There are behaviors that go along with addiction. It's hard to say if your husband has addiction issues or he's just got other issues.
The biggest question is....are his behaviors acceptable to you? Or is the quality of you life being impaired by his behaviors?
My belief is that when one person in the marriage thinks there's a problem in the marriage, the marriage has a problem. Unfortunately we can make another person change if they don't want to. So we have a choice continue with the status quo or change ourselves.
When my ex and I were having problems, I begged him to go to counseling with me. He kept saying "we don't need it. I don't think there's a problem." He finally went to one session. He didn't like that the therapist called him out on some of his nonsense and he refused to go back. So I went back alone to work on me and to help me find a solution to the problem.
Your situation sounds unusual in that you state that you aren't living together. I would strongly suggest that you continue to work your issues with a therapist whether he joins you or not.
gentle hugs
ke
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by niknik33 
Hi Everyone! I just joined this site. I am trying to get some clarity. I personally have never battled with drug/alcohol addiction so I could very well be insensitive to some of the challenges faced with those addictions. I have been married for a little under a year. My spouse and I have been involved for 2.5 years in total. He had a previous addiction and has been clean since 5/1/94. He does not attend any meetings and has not been drinking or doing drugs. What I have witnessed quite a bit is constantly seeking out female attention, pornography, angry outbursts, continuing to ask me the same questions 34 times, and blaming me for everything he has or has not accomplished in his life (even before knowing me). I know that nobody is perfect and that we all have opportunities for growth. We have tried counseling with a professional counselor and our pastors at church. He would not go back after the first visit. We have never lived together as husband and wife. What just hit me recently is-could he be battling something from when he was addicted that has gone unresolved? He is so extremely angry about something and it goes well beyond the time we have known each other. If so, how do I come across in a supportive and encouraging fashion? It is possible for addiction to take other forms? I really don't know anything about this and would greatly appreciate any guidance I could get. I don't want to unknowingly be causing more issues because of lack of knowledge on my end. Thanks so much for your time and input, it is greatly appreciated!
It's not wise for me or for anyone to do armchair diagnosis, especially where I'm not a mental health professional. My suggestion, if you choose to take it, is to go to your local Barnes and Noble and pick up a copy of I Hate You Don't Leave Me and see if his behavior is similar to what is described in the book.
Read the posts here; there is a lot of knowledge to be gained.
Best,
ZoSo
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