Impurrfect

Most of you know my story...raging codie, turned to drugs to deal with it, now in recovery for almost 5 years.

At 50 years old, I am back to living at "home" with dad and stepmom thanks to the consequences of my addiction.

I never saw codie tendencies in my dad until my stepmom - she comes from a long line of alcoholism and is a raging codie. She also really likes her pills, and dad has become a codie.

I thought I was doing well enough in my codie recovery (began that when I began my addiction recovery), but yesterday? I realized I have a long way to go.

Part of the issue is that I feel I have to take whatever they throw at me because it's just one of my consequences..I got myself here, deal with it.

I am grateful for the roof over my head, that if something comes up I can ask dad for help (money-wise), but have been working for more than 5 years and I do contribute.

I also have a little bit of PTSD from an armed robbery (well, 2) several years ago. My county does not have much in the way of resources to allow me therapy. End result, someone starts yelling at me, I go full-fledge into "fight or flight" response.

My dear friend ((Tess/Anvilhead)) has repeatedly told me that my family is too enmeshed, and she's right. A part of me feels like I have to take whatever is dealt me, here at home, because it's my consequence for my addiction.

After a nasty altercation with my dad, last night..then another with my stepmom (who is an A), I seriously wanted to numb out. Not crack (my DOC) but get drunk.

I realized, I read so many stories here of women/men who are financially dependent on their A's, and though I always encourage "Take care of yourself", I don't do it myself.

I realized, today, that I've been "talking the talk, not walking the walk".

I work and my bosses absolutely adore me. I'm in school, have a 3.82 average, and I will have 5 years of recovery on Mar. 9th.

On the other hand, I was screaming last night, stepmom told me I had "evil" in me, and I am not proud of that.

I think, FINALLY, I've hit bottom in my codependency. Most of the time, I do really good, but last night showed me how far I have to go.

((Tess)) told me some things she's said before...today it clicked. I can't get a place of my own..I don't make enough money, and I am not going anywhere I can't take my cats. For those who know me, that's a non-negotiable issue and I have 3 of them.

I guess my whole point of this post is to let others know that we get where we get when we get there...usually when something clicks and our brain says "I can't do this any more".

I've made a few, very simple, changes today, and darned if it doesn't feel GREAT!

Thought I know I can't change others, I don't think it really clicked until today. I can say, though, that I've made progress in other areas for quite a while...it just wasn't enough.

I just want to thank all of you. I spend a lot of time on here, I see what all of you go through. It gives me strength that even though I'm a slow learner, I will be okay.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

suki44883

You are an inspiration to me. None of us can be perfectly calm and just keep taking and taking the crap thrown at us. How you've done as well as you have is a mystery to me. Hang in there, dear. Your day is coming.

ElegantlyWasted

The perfection thing get me too. I wan't to be perfect, but I am not perfect therefore I beat my self up. At times other people don't do the things I think they should do and I search for something I may have done to contribute to it. Thinking there's something to that rule 62 thing.

zoso77

Not that I'm there yet, but isn't Step 10 about continuing to take personal inventory, and when wrong, we promptly admit it?

I don't think anyone bats 1000, or gets everything right all the time.

One thing that I've learned over the past few months is there is no discrete event where we can go, "ah AH!! I've recovered!!" Everything's fluid. Everything's in flux. We have our bad days and our good days, and as long as we keep working to make the good days happen more often than the bad ones do, then I think we're doing OK.

My two cents. God Bless.

Zoso

Impurrfect

Thank you! I can honestly say that my codie-recovery has been FAR harder than my addiction one. Though addiction brought me to SR, it's the F&F forums that drew me in. I am ever so grateful to all of you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

laurie6781

(((((Amy)))))

I have sent you a PM.

Love and hugs,

meree

i'm so glad you didn't opt to numb out. You are such a power of example in so many ways. you are incredibly supportive - both towards the addicts trying to recover and the f&f of addicts. your experience, strength, and hope in both realms of the addiction problems really gives you some powerful insights for people like me. (my husband is trying to get sober from crack addiction - your posts are ones that i always read and get a lot out of). i am struggling with negativity right now myself. it's so easy to beat ourselves up sometimes and let negativity creep in - all the while forgetting the incredible progress that's been made and work that's been done. the simple fact of your recovery from crack for 5 years is incredible in and of itself. as i'm sure you know, the vast majority don't make it. sounds like you have rebounded from this recent situation with strength and a rational and positive outlook. i am in recovery too and i am reminded of something i heard over 20 years ago - "don't quit before the miracle." i, for one, am rooting for you! hang in there - this too shall pass!

ISOHumility

Thank you so, so much for this post. You give back so much. I hope, with enough time and Al-Anon meetings under my belt, that I can get to where you are today. Because although you're not perfect--none of us are--you are an inspiration.

I like the prhase, "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."

Thanks again for giving us experience, strength and hope.

dollydo

Yeah, this codies thing is a tough nut to crack, sometimes I think that I was born one!

You have accomplished so much, you are strong, you are aware of what is going on around you, and with time will overcome your remaining obstacles. Left, right, left, right..one small step at a time, always heading in the right direction, you will do it, no doubt in my mind.

As ever...Dolly

EnglishGarden

You must have been in so much pain last night, to have wanted to escape in a self-destructive way. I hope today is a better day for you.

Just because you have addictive disease does not mean you ever have to be anyone's emotional punching bag. Cleaning up the wreckage of the past does not include sacrificing your precious life today to anyone who repeatedly resents and hurts you. Recovery is about reclaiming life and joy, not about hanging on a cross, dear. You deserve loving, respectful treatment from anyone with whom you share your life.

When I was a very young single mother and pretty broke, I rented a house and took in another young woman to help with expenses. And just this week a friend of mine moved into a house she will be sharing with 2 other women (she even gets to bring her dogs!)

Maybe life is trying to tell you you are worthy of happiness. And it is time to think about change.

Your posts here have helped me so much, I always look for that black kitty!

God bless. Keep the long and the wide view.

Chino

(((Amy))), I'm so happy for you, that you chose to go through the pain, instead of sorrow from a relapse.

"Courage is its own reward."
"Courage is the ladder on which all the other virtues mount."

Today, you're closer to where you want to be, and thank God you're not where you used to be

Seren

Still hoping you get your own place soon!

Ann

Amy, you are one of the strongest, most courageous, hard working people I have ever met. You are a huge inspiration to me and my recovery.

That said, it must be hard work to get to where you are today. You have always been a survivor, just look at all you went through with the robberies at work. But sweetie, you don't have to do it all, all the time.

Something that helps me when I feel overwhelmed (which is when my codependency kicks in hard) is to choose my battles, let a whole bunch of other people's "stuff" go, and to find an exit plan where I can just go be by myself and where I can find peace.

And when you feel like you need to vent or walk with us a while, you know where to find us, all day every day, 24/7.

Love you lots!!

Hugs

bluebelle

I understand what you are saying. It occured to me today that one of the most difficult things that I want to learn is how to forgive myself. I think that it is almost easier to forgive somebody else--to realize that they are only human and that they make mistakes. I think I am much more accepting of other people than I am of myself.

Your posts are an inspiration to me. I'm glad that you shared this. Codies have a tendency to take care of everybody else and lose themselves in the process. For me, my codie bottom was when I was overwhelmed with pain from taking care of everybody else. It occured to me that nobody was taking care of me. I have to take care of myself. It sounds like you had one of those reminders.

I think that we also have to remind ourselves that we are worth it--that we are important, and worth taking care of.

Kindeyes

Amy
We all have bad days. But one bad day doesn't negate all of the good days. You're ok. Your a strong woman recovering from a tough battle. You have some emotional scars but those scars are badges of survival.

Keep working at taking care of yourself. You're worth it. And remember the difference between a bad day and a good day.........is one day.

gentle hugs
ke

Impurrfect

Thank you all, so much. I have tears of gratitude running down my face.

I do have to share something I thought was pretty funny timing. There is one person I keep in touch with from the using days. Yes, he was my "dealer" but he and his brothers also took care of me to make sure I was safe (as can be on the streets), had food to eat, and constantly told me "you're better than this...you need to quit this s***t) and when I relapsed? It was the look of disappointment in his face (he absolutely refused to sell me anything) and his telling me "you don't belong here...take your a$$ home to your daddy and get your life back".

Guess who called tonight? Haven't talked to him in about a year. He told me how proud he is of me, how he always knew I'd make it...but, did I want to make some easy money? I didn't think twice, told him I've gotten too used to doing stuff the right (and legal way), am allergic to handcuffs, so no thanks. He tried, but not really hard as I held my ground.

He had another suggestion (helping me pay rent to get my own place) but I told him, again, no thanks. We talked some more, got caught up on some people and when he hung up, I could hear the smile in his face as he said "girl, I always knew you had it in you...you've got it goin' on"

I know..we're supposed to cut ties with people like him, but regardless of what he does, he and his brothers (they were XABF#3's nephews) had my back when it came down to it. I do know enough to NOT answer should he call when I was feeling like I did the other night, just as I know to get on SR I won't judge him, any more than I would want anyone to judge me. I just keep the friendship at a healthy distance.

I guess my point is, I bounced back in my codie recovery, so I felt strong again. Things at home have been fine, I've been doing schoolwork all day long and hope to get my car out of the shop tomorrow so I can do my job.

It was ((Ann)) who first taught me about "the difference between a good day and a bad day is..about 2 days" and I've found it to be true time and time again. I can love someone as a friend, and let them do their thing. I can keep taking baby steps to become UNenmeshed with my family, and I am doing that.

I do believe I was born a codie, so almost 5 years of working at this stuff is but a drop in the bucket when you're 50, but hey...the good Lord willing and the creek don't rise, I've got time Best of all, I have all of you!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Impurrfect

Just another note about how cool codie-recovery is. I've been busy with school, not much interaction with dad or stepmom but it's been fine.

My car has been in the shop, just found out it has a much bigger problem than we thought. I asked dad if I could borrow the money to get it fixed an will pay him back when I get my tax refund next week.

Not a problem. I am looking at this like a business deal...no guilt associated with it whatsoever. Since I've been using stepmom's car, I just ask if there's anything she needs while I'm out. We both smoke, so I've paid for her cigarettes a few times. It's what I would do with anyone if I were borrowing their car - put gas in it, whatever.

It's rather nice, and I'm remembering this is what loving detachment feels like.

Also found out my job is secure for at least another year. May take a bit of a pay cut, but that remains to be seen and my boss will fight to keep me at the same rate I have plenty of work to do, can work it around school, and HP just happened to keep my car running until right before I had money coming in...amazing.

I know I will have down days, but this has taught me they really don't last. I can have a pity party, throw a 2-year-old temper tantrum, then dust myself off and start a new day being the type of person I want to be.

Thank you all, because I know I'm not alone, and I learn so very much from your ES&H.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

bluebelle

Well said, Impurrfect!! Today is a new day. Isn't it amazing the difference that a new day makes? It's good to remember to have faith in our HP.

It sounds like you were able to ask for help when you needed. I think that is a great skill. I looked at the ACOA daily affirmation for today and it was about just that. It said that it is o.k. to ask for help without feeling guilty or ashamed. Isn't that perfect? It's the skill that I needed to practice for today.