Threatening to drink
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 16
Threatening to drink
My dry (not R) AH has been very much on edge lately, getting very upset over minor things, and critical of me. I've been feeling the tension rise, as it looks to me as if he's already drinking in secret or getting ready to drink again.
Out of the blue, he announced that he was going to start drinking, that he'd "had enough" of everything and needed something to take the edge off. I told him I strongly disagreed with that idea (even though I felt my protest was pointless). We discussed it for awhile, and after telling me how frustrated he was with my inability to do things well enough and how much that has raised his stress level, he finally said something about "using the drinking as leverage" to make me a better housekeeper, etc. I told him he needed to make the decision himself, that it was a separate issue from me and my flaws. Surprise, that didn't sink in at all. He is eager for more communication about what's wrong with me, and I have no interest in engaging with him. We've been down this road before...when I try to tell him how I feel, he turns it around to a discussion of what's wrong with me and I just wind up feeling beaten down.
Anyone gotten out of a situation like this with counseling, marriage counseling, etc? I'd like to see things get better, but I feel like I'm just beating my head against the wall here.
Out of the blue, he announced that he was going to start drinking, that he'd "had enough" of everything and needed something to take the edge off. I told him I strongly disagreed with that idea (even though I felt my protest was pointless). We discussed it for awhile, and after telling me how frustrated he was with my inability to do things well enough and how much that has raised his stress level, he finally said something about "using the drinking as leverage" to make me a better housekeeper, etc. I told him he needed to make the decision himself, that it was a separate issue from me and my flaws. Surprise, that didn't sink in at all. He is eager for more communication about what's wrong with me, and I have no interest in engaging with him. We've been down this road before...when I try to tell him how I feel, he turns it around to a discussion of what's wrong with me and I just wind up feeling beaten down.
Anyone gotten out of a situation like this with counseling, marriage counseling, etc? I'd like to see things get better, but I feel like I'm just beating my head against the wall here.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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Trying to talk to an addict IS beating your head against a wall. They do not hear anything you say, they just know that your mouth is moving again. Stop trying to make him hear you. This guy isn't interested in anything you have to say, he just wants to complain and bitch because he's miserable because he wants to drink. So, tell him to go ahead and drink. What would he say if you told him you couldn't care less if he drinks or not?
You don't have to be what he wants you to be. You only have to be the person you are and if that isn't good enough for him, then he can kiss your fanny. If he doesn't like the way the housework is done, he can do it himself. Are his arms broken??
I suggest attending al-anon meetings where you can have some face-to-face support from others who are going through the same thing. You can learn to detach from his words and actions and live a great life in spite of what he chooses to do. Also, keep reading and posting here. It will help. We're here to support you. You are not alone.
You don't have to be what he wants you to be. You only have to be the person you are and if that isn't good enough for him, then he can kiss your fanny. If he doesn't like the way the housework is done, he can do it himself. Are his arms broken??
I suggest attending al-anon meetings where you can have some face-to-face support from others who are going through the same thing. You can learn to detach from his words and actions and live a great life in spite of what he chooses to do. Also, keep reading and posting here. It will help. We're here to support you. You are not alone.
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Taking an actively drinking alcoholic to marriage counseling is a waste of money in my mind.
So he threatens you and tries to control your behavior by threatening to drink. He breaks down your self-confidence by telling you how worthless you are. None of this is stuff you have any obligation to put up with.
So he threatens you and tries to control your behavior by threatening to drink. He breaks down your self-confidence by telling you how worthless you are. None of this is stuff you have any obligation to put up with.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I remember reading something in one of the SR forums about how a lot of marriage counselors won't see couples where one of the partners is an alcoholic/addict because it's really the DOC talking instead of the actual person.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
awww...they are so cute when they manipulate !
Being sober and in recovery are two very different things.
I just read something that stuck with me.
Recovery is not an EVENT it is a process.
I would say he needs more than marriage counseling.. as it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know he is manipulatinig when he owns up to using drinking as "leverage".
Being sober and in recovery are two very different things.
I just read something that stuck with me.
Recovery is not an EVENT it is a process.
I would say he needs more than marriage counseling.. as it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know he is manipulatinig when he owns up to using drinking as "leverage".
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
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foggy, are you in recovery? Are you going to al-anon?
I would highly recommend it, I know it made huge differences in improving my life and getting me back on the path to sanity and serenity again. It is well worth it.
If you are not going please consider it and attend at least 6 meetings before you decide whether al-anon is right for you.
And yeah, I got out of that situation. I left.
I have been separated from my AW for a little over 9 months now. It was one of the hardest, scariest and most liberating things I have ever done.
I would highly recommend it, I know it made huge differences in improving my life and getting me back on the path to sanity and serenity again. It is well worth it.
If you are not going please consider it and attend at least 6 meetings before you decide whether al-anon is right for you.
And yeah, I got out of that situation. I left.
I have been separated from my AW for a little over 9 months now. It was one of the hardest, scariest and most liberating things I have ever done.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Wow, that threat reminds of something my 3 year old would say, i.e. "if I don't get what I want, I'm going to pee in my pants/bang my head on the floor/put that gross thing in my mouth/etc". My general reaction is "go ahead honey", simply because she needs to learn that she cannot bully or manipulate people into getting what she wants. Perhaps your AH needs to learn the same thing?
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Another 6 year old dressed in adult clothes. He is manipulating you, he is simply doing what alcoholics do. There is no marriage counselor that can do a thing about this as long as he is drinking and not working a strong recovery program.
I hope that you are attending Alanon meetings, you cannot control what he does or doesn't do.
I hope that you are attending Alanon meetings, you cannot control what he does or doesn't do.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day 
Wow, that threat reminds of something my 3 year old would say, i.e. "if I don't get what I want, I'm going to pee in my pants/bang my head on the floor/put that gross thing in my mouth/etc". My general reaction is "go ahead honey", simply because she needs to learn that she cannot bully or manipulate people into getting what she wants. Perhaps your AH needs to learn the same thing?
"do what you think is right" quote every time when I feel like my RAH is trying to manipulate me into something.
They really are like children sometimes. It does get frustrating..I mean if we wanted another kid we would have one...not marry one!
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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marriage counseling, you being a saint and/or you telling him that you think his drinking is a bad idea all have one thing in common: NONE will help your AH deal with HIS alcoholism and he will not stop drinking or get healthy (ie: be able to deal with life without the agitation/judgement/etc... that you describe and I know all too well) until HE decides to work his own program of recovery.
i read your post and feel like it's me from the past few yrs. as hard as it is to accept, you really, truly can't do or say anything that is going to make or help your AH deal with life differently. HE has to accept that he needs help and want to get it. you are trying to talk rationally to someone who whether he thinks this is true or not, is ruled by his addiction (even in sobriety i think this is true of A's who aren't actively in recovery).
do you go to al anon or have a therapist of your own?
i read your post and feel like it's me from the past few yrs. as hard as it is to accept, you really, truly can't do or say anything that is going to make or help your AH deal with life differently. HE has to accept that he needs help and want to get it. you are trying to talk rationally to someone who whether he thinks this is true or not, is ruled by his addiction (even in sobriety i think this is true of A's who aren't actively in recovery).
do you go to al anon or have a therapist of your own?
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Join Date: Aug 2008
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I haven't been to Al-Anon yet. I do have a counselor, but haven't seen her in awhile (I may have to switch counselors because of insurance issues). I agree that I need to get help too!
For now, I have Dr. Jekyll back... he's being nice and expressing concern for me, as if none of the previous episodes had happened. Which would be fine if I didn't see Mr. Hyde every time I look at him.
nt: He's wondering why I'm distant, why we're not closer. It's because I don't think I can afford to be close to him.
For now, I'm doing some reading and hassling with the insurance company so I can go back to the therapist or find a new one. Thanks for all the support here, it really does help!
For now, I have Dr. Jekyll back... he's being nice and expressing concern for me, as if none of the previous episodes had happened. Which would be fine if I didn't see Mr. Hyde every time I look at him.
nt: He's wondering why I'm distant, why we're not closer. It's because I don't think I can afford to be close to him.For now, I'm doing some reading and hassling with the insurance company so I can go back to the therapist or find a new one. Thanks for all the support here, it really does help!
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
I had one counselor tell me that he (XABF) was so manipulative that there was no way she would continue with our counseling unless he was actively in recovery and willing to 'look' at what he really needed to do. She got tired of his BS just like I did. So although I know counseling has helped a lot of couples it depends on where the A's stage of recovery is and whether the A is capable of seeing things without 'the alcohol colored glasses.' You may need to go to counseling alone, which could really help you figure out if you want to continue with a RAH
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So, he's going to use his drinking as a leverage to make YOU a better HOUSEKEEPER?
I read that sentence at least four times, and it still doesn't make any sense to me. Which is GOOD.
IME, trying to decipher whatever an active alcoholic says is where the manipulation starts, not to mention a waste of time. You start thinking you've figured out what they mean, then you start to believe it, and you're trapped in their game.
I read that sentence at least four times, and it still doesn't make any sense to me. Which is GOOD.
IME, trying to decipher whatever an active alcoholic says is where the manipulation starts, not to mention a waste of time. You start thinking you've figured out what they mean, then you start to believe it, and you're trapped in their game.
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