Moving Forward - Strange Happenings
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Moving Forward - Strange Happenings
Well I guess I brought it all to a head today. I asked the AW if she thought that the drinking had caused any issues, and suprisingly enough, she didn't see it. Basically said that I "didn't" understand and it was my fault. So instead of running from this I said okay and told her that if she wanted me out of her life, all she had to do was say "yes" and I would be gone.
She said "yes" and now I'm gone.
Tonight I will drop off her remaining items at her mothers house, send her a text and tell her they are there and at that point I will be finished dealing with her, with the exception of signing the divorce papers that are supposed to be here this week. If they aren't here in the next week or two, I will file them myself and move one.
It's funny, when I realized that she didn't see how her drinking caused any issues, I realized that it was "okay" for me to move on. I want/wanted the best for her, but that's not my responsibility anymore. I will miss her, but she made her own decision to live life without me.
Then, not 10 minutes after all of this happens, I learn that there is most likely a new job opening for me in another city and state with my existing company. Funny how things work.
For some reason, I doubt if the communications from her side are over, but they are from my side! I know a few months ago, I never thought I would be sitting here being okay with the outcome, but it's true, time does seem to heal the pain.
She said "yes" and now I'm gone.
Tonight I will drop off her remaining items at her mothers house, send her a text and tell her they are there and at that point I will be finished dealing with her, with the exception of signing the divorce papers that are supposed to be here this week. If they aren't here in the next week or two, I will file them myself and move one.
It's funny, when I realized that she didn't see how her drinking caused any issues, I realized that it was "okay" for me to move on. I want/wanted the best for her, but that's not my responsibility anymore. I will miss her, but she made her own decision to live life without me.
Then, not 10 minutes after all of this happens, I learn that there is most likely a new job opening for me in another city and state with my existing company. Funny how things work.
For some reason, I doubt if the communications from her side are over, but they are from my side! I know a few months ago, I never thought I would be sitting here being okay with the outcome, but it's true, time does seem to heal the pain.
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when I realized that she didn't see how her drinking caused any issues, I realized that it was "okay" for me to move on.
It is OK for you to move on. And it's fascinating how the universe seems to encourage us...
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
"It's funny, when I realized that she didn't see how her drinking caused any issues, I realized that it was "okay" for me to move on. I want/wanted the best for her, but that's not my responsibility anymore. I will miss her, but she made her own decision to live life without me."
It is funny. Because I am experiencing the exact same thing. I got a legal separation from my AW and she just keeps on drinking all the way through! And when I try to explain that DRINKING is the reason why our lives and marriage went into a ditch, she doesn't get it. She just doesn't see it. If I ask how she's doing, she says "I'm doing great!"
Like you said, not my responsibility anymore. Good luck to you, your future is bright.
It is funny. Because I am experiencing the exact same thing. I got a legal separation from my AW and she just keeps on drinking all the way through! And when I try to explain that DRINKING is the reason why our lives and marriage went into a ditch, she doesn't get it. She just doesn't see it. If I ask how she's doing, she says "I'm doing great!"
Like you said, not my responsibility anymore. Good luck to you, your future is bright.
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djayr, sorry to hear you went through the same thing. It was kinda suprising for me to see the way this wasn't an issue. I got the same type of feedback on any communications from my AW as well. Maybe she is better off without me, it wasn't my call, but if she's happier being drunk, then more power to her. I don't know why they don't see the corrolation between the drinking and what the rest of us do to react to it, but it's honestly seems to be the way it is.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 54
Good for you for being ok with her not 'seeing it'. I'm still at the stage where I find it incredibly frustrating that my XAH still doesn't get it and seems to think I just flipped out and decided to split up the family. I'm striving to also be ok with him possibly never getting it. Baffling disease.
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Pixie. Baffling is a perfect word. It's like they don't see that everything we do is a reaction to the drinking, or caused by the drinking. Granted, I could have handled it better if I had been better educated with the Al-Anon information in the beginning, but I never expected it get as bad as it did.
I think I could argue with her for hours and she wouldn't see it, so there's no point in arguing. She made the decision that she wants me out of her life, so I'm going to honor her decision. Not much else I can do anyway.
Hang in there.
I think I could argue with her for hours and she wouldn't see it, so there's no point in arguing. She made the decision that she wants me out of her life, so I'm going to honor her decision. Not much else I can do anyway.
Hang in there.
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Well that went well. Dropped her items off at her mothers house and left her a text telling her it was there. Now all I have to do is wait on the paperwork and it should be a done deal. I wonder when or if it will hit her that I'm not there for her anymore? I don't think i will ever understand why she doesn't get it that her drinking caused the majority of our issues, but I guess it's not for me to understand.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Ok...
...I just need to point out one thing. My wife and I had many issues in our marriage, none of which we could address while she was drinking. Her alcoholism made it impossible. In addition, I have issues of my own, some related to her alcoholism, and some not.
I tell you that to tell you this: when she got sober we still had plenty of issues to work on-- more than I had imagined. It turned out our issues weren't all related to alcohol; some were just masked by it. My relationship, even in her sobriety, was far from perfect, ideal, or serene.
I respectfully suggest continuing working on your own issues in Alanon, counseling, or both. If not I fear you will end up in another nasty relationship, perhaps even with another alcoholic/addict.
Take what you want and leave the rest,
Cyranoak
I tell you that to tell you this: when she got sober we still had plenty of issues to work on-- more than I had imagined. It turned out our issues weren't all related to alcohol; some were just masked by it. My relationship, even in her sobriety, was far from perfect, ideal, or serene.
I respectfully suggest continuing working on your own issues in Alanon, counseling, or both. If not I fear you will end up in another nasty relationship, perhaps even with another alcoholic/addict.
Take what you want and leave the rest,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by LostinBA 
Well that went well. Dropped her items off at her mothers house and left her a text telling her it was there. Now all I have to do is wait on the paperwork and it should be a done deal. I wonder when or if it will hit her that I'm not there for her anymore? I don't think i will ever understand why she doesn't get it that her drinking caused the majority of our issues, but I guess it's not for me to understand.
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Cyranoak, you are very correct! I understand that there are tons of other issues that have occurred, my issues, her issues, our issues. Some related to her drinking, some didn't. I have tried not to blame anything really on her, I was just disappointed that she didn't want to work on her drinking or accept that there might be the slightest possibility that it affected our marriage.
I have been going to Al-Anon since this started, and intend to keep going for myself. I am working with a therapist for "my" issues. In the beginning it was to deal with what I considered to be her issues, now, it's just about me and what I need to work on. Probably should have been that way from the very start, but better late than never.
I'm going through divorce group (sort of counseling) to make sure (as best i can) that I make smart decisions in the future.
I understand that 50% of this divorce was my fault. I accept that, don't like it, but I accept it.
I was willing and open to work on any and all issues with her, but she decided that wasn't the path she wanted to take. I can't force her to do anything, so I have done what I can to put myself on a healthy path. This path doesn't include her now. I would have happily included her, but there were some requirements (that she participate in it was a requirement) and that she at least acknowledge that the drinking affected us. I want her to be happy, and I want to be happy, so if that means I walk away from someone that doesn't want me in her life, then that's what I have to do.
It wasn't my decision to walk away. It's just a result that i have to live with and deal with the best way I can. I doubt if I will do everything correctly moving forward, but I will try. Unfortunately, all of the divorce issues and financial issues aren't resolved, so I know there will things that pop up as things continue. I'm very hopeful that once those are done, I will actually be able to forgive her, but for now things are to fresh. Perhaps petty, but honest.
I do know that at this time, if I communicate with her, I still have that feeling of missing her, and it doesn't help me in any way. So returning her stuff, and giving myself what I consider to be a solid reason to stop communicating with her is just something I have to do right now. I do wonder if I will talk with her again, but right now, I know that the only time we communicate is when she needs something from me. For my health and sanity I have to stop that. Right or wrong, hopefully it works.
But to sum it up, if it comes down to it, I know that I screwed up, I will miss her, I will probably always love her, but she doesn't want me in her life, so I'm working on myself now.
I have been going to Al-Anon since this started, and intend to keep going for myself. I am working with a therapist for "my" issues. In the beginning it was to deal with what I considered to be her issues, now, it's just about me and what I need to work on. Probably should have been that way from the very start, but better late than never.
I'm going through divorce group (sort of counseling) to make sure (as best i can) that I make smart decisions in the future.
I understand that 50% of this divorce was my fault. I accept that, don't like it, but I accept it.
I was willing and open to work on any and all issues with her, but she decided that wasn't the path she wanted to take. I can't force her to do anything, so I have done what I can to put myself on a healthy path. This path doesn't include her now. I would have happily included her, but there were some requirements (that she participate in it was a requirement) and that she at least acknowledge that the drinking affected us. I want her to be happy, and I want to be happy, so if that means I walk away from someone that doesn't want me in her life, then that's what I have to do.
It wasn't my decision to walk away. It's just a result that i have to live with and deal with the best way I can. I doubt if I will do everything correctly moving forward, but I will try. Unfortunately, all of the divorce issues and financial issues aren't resolved, so I know there will things that pop up as things continue. I'm very hopeful that once those are done, I will actually be able to forgive her, but for now things are to fresh. Perhaps petty, but honest.
I do know that at this time, if I communicate with her, I still have that feeling of missing her, and it doesn't help me in any way. So returning her stuff, and giving myself what I consider to be a solid reason to stop communicating with her is just something I have to do right now. I do wonder if I will talk with her again, but right now, I know that the only time we communicate is when she needs something from me. For my health and sanity I have to stop that. Right or wrong, hopefully it works.
But to sum it up, if it comes down to it, I know that I screwed up, I will miss her, I will probably always love her, but she doesn't want me in her life, so I'm working on myself now.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: somewhere better
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i know the feeling of missing someone as left my AHB 5 months ago, i sleep now feel happier but feel sad i suppose for some loss, loss of the hope of what could have been.
we had issues apart from alcohol but could never get to address them. like you i accept i was to cause for alot of our issues it still maddens me that he has the "poor me" syndrome that seems to come with his way of thinking and now i am the cause for alot of that according to him.
be strong, you cannot make them change took me long time to learn that i do know
i might be his excuse but i am not the reason!
we had issues apart from alcohol but could never get to address them. like you i accept i was to cause for alot of our issues it still maddens me that he has the "poor me" syndrome that seems to come with his way of thinking and now i am the cause for alot of that according to him.
be strong, you cannot make them change took me long time to learn that i do know
i might be his excuse but i am not the reason!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I wouldn't go that far...
...let's just say we all have a part in it at some level. Maybe I'm totally out of line on this, but I assert that alcoholism is an automatic 75 percent!!!
You clearly get it, and you are clearly taking care of yourself at this point. Awesome!
You clearly get it, and you are clearly taking care of yourself at this point. Awesome!
Originally Posted by LostinBA
I understand that 50% of this divorce was my fault. I accept that, don't like it, but I accept it.
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Not sure if anyone will see this post, this far into the chain, but I had a weird experience tonight that I'm not sure about:
I went to buy myself an IPAD. When i got there, I found myself getting more and more nervous, like anxiety was building up, so I didn't buy it.
Walking out of the store I realized that over the past 7 years, I haven't bought myself anything of "substance" (other than little things I had to have for work - shoes, etc.). Everything that I have purchased in the past 7 years was either for "both of us" (TV, stereo for music, travel trailer) or things for her.
Every time I went to buy something for myself, I would basically talk myself out of it, and end up getting my AW something. Granted, most of the things weren't things that I needed to survive, but they were things I would have enjoyed. I didn't go without, so don't view it that way, I just preferred to see her smile when we found her new clothes, or whatever.
I'm definitely going to talk to my therapist about this, I'm sure it will be a co-depen or similar thing, but I figured I might look for some feedback from the team here.
Any thoughts...
I went to buy myself an IPAD. When i got there, I found myself getting more and more nervous, like anxiety was building up, so I didn't buy it.
Walking out of the store I realized that over the past 7 years, I haven't bought myself anything of "substance" (other than little things I had to have for work - shoes, etc.). Everything that I have purchased in the past 7 years was either for "both of us" (TV, stereo for music, travel trailer) or things for her.
Every time I went to buy something for myself, I would basically talk myself out of it, and end up getting my AW something. Granted, most of the things weren't things that I needed to survive, but they were things I would have enjoyed. I didn't go without, so don't view it that way, I just preferred to see her smile when we found her new clothes, or whatever.
I'm definitely going to talk to my therapist about this, I'm sure it will be a co-depen or similar thing, but I figured I might look for some feedback from the team here.
Any thoughts...
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
totally normal...
...for a codependent person like me. I used to do that kind of **** all the time. Years of Alanon have helped me understand I'm equally important and allowed to spend my money on me.
Take care Buddy,
Cyranoak
Take care Buddy,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by LostinBA
Not sure if anyone will see this post, this far into the chain, but I had a weird experience tonight that I'm not sure about:
I went to buy myself an IPAD. When i got there, I found myself getting more and more nervous, like anxiety was building up, so I didn't buy it.
Walking out of the store I realized that over the past 7 years, I haven't bought myself anything of "substance" (other than little things I had to have for work - shoes, etc.). Everything that I have purchased in the past 7 years was either for "both of us" (TV, stereo for music, travel trailer) or things for her.
Every time I went to buy something for myself, I would basically talk myself out of it, and end up getting my AW something. Granted, most of the things weren't things that I needed to survive, but they were things I would have enjoyed. I didn't go without, so don't view it that way, I just preferred to see her smile when we found her new clothes, or whatever.
I'm definitely going to talk to my therapist about this, I'm sure it will be a co-depen or similar thing, but I figured I might look for some feedback from the team here.
Any thoughts...
I went to buy myself an IPAD. When i got there, I found myself getting more and more nervous, like anxiety was building up, so I didn't buy it.
Walking out of the store I realized that over the past 7 years, I haven't bought myself anything of "substance" (other than little things I had to have for work - shoes, etc.). Everything that I have purchased in the past 7 years was either for "both of us" (TV, stereo for music, travel trailer) or things for her.
Every time I went to buy something for myself, I would basically talk myself out of it, and end up getting my AW something. Granted, most of the things weren't things that I needed to survive, but they were things I would have enjoyed. I didn't go without, so don't view it that way, I just preferred to see her smile when we found her new clothes, or whatever.
I'm definitely going to talk to my therapist about this, I'm sure it will be a co-depen or similar thing, but I figured I might look for some feedback from the team here.
Any thoughts...
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Lostinba... As someone who is a few months down the road, ahead of you... I can say for certain that when you get your priorities straight, and start putting your own needs/wants near/at the top of the list... Good things WILL come your way.
I now have been at my amazing new job for 2 months, and it was exactly the change I needed. It spurred so much growth and strength for me. A month ago I rented my own house for me and the kids... We've been in and settled about a week now... And again, amazing!! Peace and happiness for all of us. It took me time sandlots of patience. As much as I wanted things to be over and done immediately... Taking my time made it all so much more doable, and kept me focused, grounded, and making healthy decisions!
I wish you continued success on your recovery journey!
Shannon
I now have been at my amazing new job for 2 months, and it was exactly the change I needed. It spurred so much growth and strength for me. A month ago I rented my own house for me and the kids... We've been in and settled about a week now... And again, amazing!! Peace and happiness for all of us. It took me time sandlots of patience. As much as I wanted things to be over and done immediately... Taking my time made it all so much more doable, and kept me focused, grounded, and making healthy decisions!
I wish you continued success on your recovery journey!
Shannon
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: somewhere better
Posts: 49
i know the feeling and it comes from having x to spend on the "foodshop" which also it included beer and wine so always a trade off and the cheapest of everything food wise, always did make sure DD never went without but that came from my account with lies, it was 50% off etc ( tags removed)
am off to but hand blender for me tom as love to home make soup and smoothie maker splatting all over kitchen wall!
left my exA with one car load of stuff for 2 of us, had i left with clothes
on our back and her it would have been enough, but so know where your coming from!
am off to but hand blender for me tom as love to home make soup and smoothie maker splatting all over kitchen wall!
left my exA with one car load of stuff for 2 of us, had i left with clothes
on our back and her it would have been enough, but so know where your coming from!
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