new, scared, is this day one? half of day one?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: California
Posts: 60
new, scared, is this day one? half of day one?
Hi, I'm new and I guess this technically is my 2nd post. I'm an opiate addict who is trying to stop again. I've gone on and off the past two or three years, I'm not even sure how long anymore, honestly. I was a weekend warrior with pills who got in over her head (oxy, opana, morphine, vicodin/norco, anything I or anyone else could get). My last was a half 40mg Opana this morning, after the half I did last night to make the jittery sweating go away so I could sleep, and then get up again. I'm starting to feel the effects of needing more now since I usually do a lot more than that but I don't have more so I had to ration myself.
Now the sweats are starting since it's been over 8 hours since I had anything: the jitters, the anxiety, the fear, the panic, the overwhelming sense of I just need to do something to calm it all out and get through the day without using anything. The hoping I don't cry at work and start getting really sick before I can go home. I hope I can make it. If I do, then what happens when I get home? Can I stay strong? What if I don't? What do I do?
My struggle is also with my husband. He is disabled with a back injury who has had 3-4 major surgeries and he is prescribed pain pills, all the things I'm trying to stay away from are in our house 24/7. We have friends who use, and are in our house doing it. I can usually stay away from it all if I'm feeling strong enough that day, but there are many days I'm not and it starts all over again... I need to find a better way. I need to not feel so alone. I need to be stronger and fight it, but up until now I don’t feel anyone understands and I’ve got no support of anyone who knows what I’m dealing with. My parents, my work, most of my friends don’t know about this, the ones I have left anyway.
Hubby does not abuse like I do and when we met, I didn't do anything. He does however, do things like coke from time to time, but has better willpower than I do. I got carried away after "experimenting" and went from weekend warrior to needing them or risk getting sick, and then just to cope with a lot of family issues and my ongoing depression (which I've always had, long before the pills). He would sometimes share his stuff with me when I was getting sick or we were partying or whatever. Then the next day he'd say no, you shouldn't be doing this and cut me off. It was and still is a rollercoaster that way. It got to the point I didn't know if I could make it or not, or if I was going to get anything or not, so I started stealing his pills and I feel horrible. Absolutely awful; he needs them and I don't, but it didn't stop me. It was like I was sleepwalking; I did it without thinking just to make the WDs stop and feel “normal” even though I know it isn’t really normal. I didn't do it every day (like it matters) and never took his enough to jeopardize what he needs for actual pain, but did it more often than I should have.
He knows I have a problem, he wants me off the stuff; he is the one who got me to go to the suboxone doctor. He feels like my problem is his fault when it's not. He didn't make me do it. I did this to myself and I keep telling him that. I did fine my first few months of suboxone and was so excited that something worked, at first. Then I fell off the wagon due to being around the stuff in my house, our using friends, not being strong enough to say no, not liking suboxone so I went back and forth and now need to try and stop for good.
I should take my suboxone and hope it's enough until I can see my doctor again, and admit I fell off the wagon, and hope taking it today doesn’t send me into WD’s because I’m taking it too close to my opiates. They cut back my last dosage becasue I was doing better, but then we went out of town, partied too much, I fell off the wagon again and supplemented with pills, so the lower dosage now doesn't seem to be enough. Suboxone worked at first, but I hate the taste of it and have a hard time staying on track with it, and I don't like how I feel on that either, like a zombie. I know it's supposed to help but I'm not sure it does because I feel like the more I focus on the suboxone, the more it just reminds me of what I'm NOT supposed to be doing that I really want to do. Does that make sense? Like "don't think of a pink elephant" Now that's all you can think.
He's afraid of me going to NA; he fears I will meet someone and leave him (because how else do I get away from it all? even I don't know and it terrifies me) and neither of us goes for the God stuff they talk about. (I know it’s' "spiritual" but still, I grew up being forced into born-again Christianity and have issues after bad experiences with it). I just don't know what to do. I don't want to have to choose between him and our friends and my getting better, but I remember at one point I wasn’t like this, even though they were the same. Why can’t I get back to that?
Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening to my rambling. I'm trying to muddle my way through this, and figure I have to start somewhere right?
Now the sweats are starting since it's been over 8 hours since I had anything: the jitters, the anxiety, the fear, the panic, the overwhelming sense of I just need to do something to calm it all out and get through the day without using anything. The hoping I don't cry at work and start getting really sick before I can go home. I hope I can make it. If I do, then what happens when I get home? Can I stay strong? What if I don't? What do I do?
My struggle is also with my husband. He is disabled with a back injury who has had 3-4 major surgeries and he is prescribed pain pills, all the things I'm trying to stay away from are in our house 24/7. We have friends who use, and are in our house doing it. I can usually stay away from it all if I'm feeling strong enough that day, but there are many days I'm not and it starts all over again... I need to find a better way. I need to not feel so alone. I need to be stronger and fight it, but up until now I don’t feel anyone understands and I’ve got no support of anyone who knows what I’m dealing with. My parents, my work, most of my friends don’t know about this, the ones I have left anyway.
Hubby does not abuse like I do and when we met, I didn't do anything. He does however, do things like coke from time to time, but has better willpower than I do. I got carried away after "experimenting" and went from weekend warrior to needing them or risk getting sick, and then just to cope with a lot of family issues and my ongoing depression (which I've always had, long before the pills). He would sometimes share his stuff with me when I was getting sick or we were partying or whatever. Then the next day he'd say no, you shouldn't be doing this and cut me off. It was and still is a rollercoaster that way. It got to the point I didn't know if I could make it or not, or if I was going to get anything or not, so I started stealing his pills and I feel horrible. Absolutely awful; he needs them and I don't, but it didn't stop me. It was like I was sleepwalking; I did it without thinking just to make the WDs stop and feel “normal” even though I know it isn’t really normal. I didn't do it every day (like it matters) and never took his enough to jeopardize what he needs for actual pain, but did it more often than I should have.
He knows I have a problem, he wants me off the stuff; he is the one who got me to go to the suboxone doctor. He feels like my problem is his fault when it's not. He didn't make me do it. I did this to myself and I keep telling him that. I did fine my first few months of suboxone and was so excited that something worked, at first. Then I fell off the wagon due to being around the stuff in my house, our using friends, not being strong enough to say no, not liking suboxone so I went back and forth and now need to try and stop for good.
I should take my suboxone and hope it's enough until I can see my doctor again, and admit I fell off the wagon, and hope taking it today doesn’t send me into WD’s because I’m taking it too close to my opiates. They cut back my last dosage becasue I was doing better, but then we went out of town, partied too much, I fell off the wagon again and supplemented with pills, so the lower dosage now doesn't seem to be enough. Suboxone worked at first, but I hate the taste of it and have a hard time staying on track with it, and I don't like how I feel on that either, like a zombie. I know it's supposed to help but I'm not sure it does because I feel like the more I focus on the suboxone, the more it just reminds me of what I'm NOT supposed to be doing that I really want to do. Does that make sense? Like "don't think of a pink elephant" Now that's all you can think.
He's afraid of me going to NA; he fears I will meet someone and leave him (because how else do I get away from it all? even I don't know and it terrifies me) and neither of us goes for the God stuff they talk about. (I know it’s' "spiritual" but still, I grew up being forced into born-again Christianity and have issues after bad experiences with it). I just don't know what to do. I don't want to have to choose between him and our friends and my getting better, but I remember at one point I wasn’t like this, even though they were the same. Why can’t I get back to that?
Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening to my rambling. I'm trying to muddle my way through this, and figure I have to start somewhere right?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome NoWhereGirl 
You'll find a lot of support here - I recommend you also check out our substance abuse forum too
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
You'll find a lot of support here - I recommend you also check out our substance abuse forum too
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I'm glad you're here, NoWhereGirl - it's really hard to break an addiction on our own, and coming here is a great first step!
When I quit drinking, I had to figure out what would help (and what would hurt) my chances for sobriety.....things like not having alcohol in my house and laying off the social scene for a while. One thing for you might be having your husband lock up his medication, or attend an NA meeting with you...... or whatever you think would help you the most.
Welcome to a great community - keep posting and reading!
When I quit drinking, I had to figure out what would help (and what would hurt) my chances for sobriety.....things like not having alcohol in my house and laying off the social scene for a while. One thing for you might be having your husband lock up his medication, or attend an NA meeting with you...... or whatever you think would help you the most.
Welcome to a great community - keep posting and reading!
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