meganw1972

So 2 months ago, he was sober, and we had a great relationship. In the last two months, our world has gone to hell. He drank again and left me without a word for five days, then went to rehab and things seemed to be looking up. then a week out of rehab he drank again, and left me a note saying he was breaking up with me because he had to figure this out for himself (our course he was out on a bender). He came back went into the hospital, and was being discharged without rehab. I had realized after he left me that note, that this was just so unhealthy for me and as much as I loved him, and as much we had the best times of my life before this, it can't continue.

So, I went to visit him in the hospital to tell him so. We both agreed we should breakup. He told me that he didn't want to put me through this, and that he can't be in a relationship and focus on his sobriety. Ok. But then he said that he couldn't be in a relationship with me because I pressured him to much to get sober my way (which I really have tried hard not to do). He headed me off from the pass of saying Listen buster, you ruined my life for the last 2 months, for some reason when he said that to me, I felt guilty and there was a part of me that wanted to say, I won't pressure you, come back. I didn't of course. But what is wrong with me, that there is a part of me that still wants him despite how awful he has treated me, and that it kills me not to know, well is he getting sober.

Why have I put my anger on the shelf and let him determine how we end? How can I both be relieved and have a sense of doom that our relationship ended?

Willybluedog

Sorry about everything you are going through, I know it does not seem like it now, but time will help, also when you get a way from the drama things will be so much better.

I have been in counseling and it has helped me with detachment issues, others will recommend al-anon, take this time to work on your own recovery.

Big hugs to you,

Bill

dollydo

It will get better for you when you start to work on you, when you learn to detach and
let go.

Be honest with yourself, he is not in recovery, he has a disease that there is no cure for, he will be an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and working a strong recovery program or not. That's it.

As it stands right now, you have no future with him, if he wants to seek recovery he will, if he wants to stay sober for life, he will. Might be time to back off and let him find himself and allow him the dignity to become a responsible sober adult.

LifeRecovery

I started to get better when I started "listening" to my loved one actions....not his words.

He said two contradictory things, and on top of this drank nullifying both things he said in a way.

It still hurt, but that was a big step for me when I could start teasing that kind of stuff out. (Still working on it too).

FindingJoy

It's ok you love someone who's in full addict mode we need to love them with detachment. There is nothing you did to cause it and there is nothing you can do to cure it. Very sad when people we can about don't care about themselves but we can't care for them. What we can do is give ourselves extra care that perhaps we've been neglecting for awhile during the chaos.

BIG HUG

blwninthewind

I know you hurt.
and I am sorry for that pain
but
in all honesty...
you dodged a bullet.

He is showing you and telling you what and who he is...listen and BELIEVE him.
Walk away.
and
keep coming back here to SR..
you have to deal now with why his behaviors were okay and you hung around for so long through all that...so you don't do it again.
I would also suggest Alanon.
It has opened doors for me and IN me that I never believed possible!

broomhilde

Listen to the people on this forum. I made the mistake of focusing on my partner and forgot about myself. For almost three years, it was a cycle of trying to get him clean. He has been in recovery for some time now. But the relationship has changed. All of the pain and my issues with codependency are in my face. And it isn't pretty. Focus on yourself. Make yourself strong. Believe in friendships and working on your own issues. There is nothing wrong with being single... it is a lot easier than staying up for a week worrying about your partners health and safety.

quetzal

Oh goodness Megan, we are living the same situation, except my ex hasn't even gone to any treatment centers. He and I were together this last year, in December on our X-mas decorating tree night he decided to binge drink. He punched holes in my walls, blood on the walls and kicked down my front door, said the meanest things that anyone has ever said EVER!!! He is a 26 year old functioning alcoholic, graduated from a great school and is has that boy next door kinda charm. I met him through my best friend and she thought he was great. We never realized how wrong we were. I still love him so much. After that night he disappeared, full of shame and self hatred. I saw him a few weeks later and he and I just cried. He was and still sounds hopeless. I felt so abandoned. I dove into Melody Beattie and Louise Hayes only days after the trauma, I had to figure out what I had done that had lead me to where i was and what I needed to do to change the way I saw things. I realized how co-dependent I am, and that a lot of what lead me here had been due to things from YEARS ago. It has only been 2 months for me too. Xmas and New Years were complete nightmares, I was so happy to see them go. He ruined so much of my time. Tonight has been a difficult night as I have been emotinal. I have only seen him 2 in the last 2 months and both times we cried and kissed, held hands as if we were still together. I don't understand whats happening but I do know that he could hurt me again if I allow it. I am so sorry to hear of your pain, but feel oddly connected to you as our story is so similar to mine. We'll get through this with or with out them. Every time you feel down ask your self "what caould make me happy right now" and then do it, if that doesn't work write it all out...

Hugs - Q

quetzal

Oh and please pardon the mis-spellings ,I always log on late b4 bed and am so tired..lol