I can't, I just can't, need a plan

Old 01-30-2012, 10:24 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
kiki5711's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
I can't, I just can't, need a plan

For the past month, every Saturday when I pick up my grandaughter for the weekend, my daughter (her mother) has a black eye. First it was on the left, then next week on the right, now it's again on the left.

On the way home, I asked my grandaughter if Anthony still lives there. She said yes. I asked her what happened to her mommy's eye. My grandaughter said mommy fights with anthony.

I ask her "what do you do when they fight?" she said she goes to her bed and covers herself over her head with a blanket.

Well, that was it. I was soooooooooooooooo angry at my daughter that I wanted to kill her. She allowes this man, who punches her in the eye when they fight to live in her apartment.

NOw, I know my daughter, once she drinks, she gets really roudy and vicious, but that is no excuse for him to punch her. If he was half a man, he would just walk out and never come back.

I brought my grandaughter home Sunday afternoon, and demanded to speak to Anthony. My daughter refused me. I called him out on it and yelled he was a "chicken sh......it! My daughter said if I don't leave she'll call the police and that I wont see my grandaughter again. (now that I think about it I should have let her call the police so they can see how she looks, and the little girl that has to live with that).

I told her f......u, and I'm taking you to court and put you in a mental asylum.
(she really has anger issues, and bi polar and god knows what else). But I still will not allow anyone to punch her. Only me, if I can catch her and she don't run away.

I took 4 xanax, and another 2 later and probably some more later and I still coudn't calm down. I was pacing back and forth, and I think even if I took a horse tranqualizer I couldn't calm down.

My younger daughter that lives with us had bought herself Chinese food for dinner, but somehow neglected to ask her brother if he want's some. Of course being mad already I yelled "GO GET HIM FOOD OR GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE". It's not like you do any damn thing around here but drink after work. So just Get the hell out of my house. I'm sick of all of you!

I'm extremely depressed. For the fact that this 5 yr old grandaughter needs to live in such environment.

I'm going to take some action. Don't know what yet.
kiki5711 is offline  
Old 01-30-2012, 11:59 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Kiki, as kindly as I can say this, I am suggesting that first you address your own anger management. I too used to fly off the handle when something troubled me, and it never solved anything, just made me sick too.

Being upset because your daughter is being abused and your granddaughter is a victim, is very valid. You can't do anything about your daughter, she isn't a prisoner there and can leave if she chooses, a women's shelter will help her if she is afraid. But the child should not have to go through that. Bringing her to stay with you may only cause more family anger, fights and chaos.

Can another family member take care of her? Can Children's Services check in on her and see how she is doing?

I don't have all the answers, I may not have any, but it's a sad situation and someone needs to be the voice of this child.

Hugs to you, I'm sure it hurts your heart to go through this.
Ann is offline  
Old 01-30-2012, 12:54 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
kiki5711's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Ann, it's her apartment. She can tell him to leave. There's nobody else to take care of my little Lexy except my husband and me.

My daughter always hold Lexy over me as a hostage. Meaning if I don't agree to anything she does, she threatens me that I won't see my Lexy.

At that point I tell her I would if I had to take her to court to have lexy with us. It brakes my heart to know she has to sleep with a blanket over her head while her mother is acting like a loonatic. I really think my daughter needs serious psychiatric help. She has some very manic episodes, anger, etc..then she drinks and blames the whole world for anything she can think of.

I wish I could get her admitted into a psychiatric hospital. But if she don't work, she would lose the apt. I will NOT accept her back into my house. Her behavior was horrible and everyone else in the house didn't even want to live there any more because of her. She is smart, funny and fun to be with when she's normal. But that's far and few between.

My heart goes out to my grandaughter though. If her mother never called me again, I wouldn't miss her, but I have to do somthing about Lexy. She does love Lexy, and Lexy is very loyal to her mom. She wouldn't let anyone touch her, ever. But what she doesn't understand is that she's hurting her by her actions.
kiki5711 is offline  
Old 01-30-2012, 01:18 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Don't have much to add to Anns post except, that is alot of Xanax, if I am correct you have been addicted to the stuff B/4. Perhaps anger management and therapy would be of some help to you.
dollydo is offline  
Old 01-30-2012, 01:27 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
kiki5711's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
no, this is the first time I'm on xanax and situations that bring me to total anxiety is the reason.

I was drinking too much, waaaay too much while going through chemo for colon cancer, but then when I got better, I still coudn't stop drinking so I went to rehab.

Perhaps anger management and therapy would be of some help to you
That's like 25 yrs of pent up anger.
kiki5711 is offline  
Old 01-30-2012, 01:29 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Ok, sorry thought that you were on some kind of antidepressent b/4 and taking your husbands...I'm probably confused, won't be the last time.
dollydo is offline  
Old 01-30-2012, 01:40 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
kiki5711's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
I am on antidepressants. Prestique. And I take Seroquel at night to be able to sleep.

I do see a psychiatrist regularly.
kiki5711 is offline  
Old 01-30-2012, 03:40 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
EnglishGarden's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
It worries me you have a pretty strong tolerance to Xanax.

You are right. You need a plan. An appointment with someone at the CPS office could be number one on the plan.

If you do take your granddaughter, if the mother is declared unfit or unsafe, you'll need to take responsibility for your own verbal outbursts and self-medicating. The little girl needs a healthy grandma. You love her, so take good care of you so you can take good care of her.

I hope things change for the highest good of the child.
EnglishGarden is offline  
Old 01-30-2012, 04:27 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I've been in your granddaughter's situation. When I was her age, my mom was a drug addict with bipolar, and she had abusive boyfriends. My grandmother's relationship with my mom was very rough. They would fight all of the time. Whenever people were fighting, it would upset me. I felt scared and felt like somehow I was responsible for the problems. That is very common for little kids to feel responsible for other people's actions.

Your daughter is going to date who she wants. It sounds like she is in an abusive relationship, but nothing you say is going to change that. You can provide a stable environment for your granddaughter when she is with you. Although it might be tempting, I would suggest that you don't bring your battles with your daughter into the discussion with your granddaughter. I was always between my mother and grandmother, and it was not fun. It always centered around my grandmother trying to control my mom's actions. Then, my mom would blame my grandmother for everything wrong in her life. It was an endless cycle.

It is good that you recognize the situation. Have you talked to your doctor about the amount of Xanax that you are taking? In my experience with Xanax, I had a rebound effect from it. It would help with the anxiety right away, but then the anxiety would come back worse later.
bluebelle is offline  
Old 01-30-2012, 09:14 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
I'm sending you hugs and prayers, Kiki.
Hanna is offline  
Old 01-31-2012, 03:57 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
kiki5711's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
It worries me you have a pretty strong tolerance to Xanax.
I have a high tolerance to everything for as long as I remember. Even when I go to the dentist, I have to get three shots, instead of one, to numb the area he's going to work on.

My husband can take half a Lozarepan and is knocked out immediately and for the night and part of the day. I can take two tabs and feel absolutely "nothing". I might as well just take candy, at least the sweet makes me feel better.

I have to take Seroquel, pretty hard stuff, for patients mostly who have terrible insomnia or are some kind of schizo. After I came out of rehab, my doctor put me on 50 mil Seroquel. I didn't sleep more than 10 min for the whole week and I thought I was going to go crazy without sleep. Then she increased the dosage to 100 ml. That helped a little, but I still woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep again. She increased it to 150 ml. I finally was able to sleep through the night. What a "RELIEF". Not being able to sleep can literally make you go insane.

Yesterday, my daughter left me a msg on my phone that I should stay away from her and her boyfriend or she'll get order of protection.

He's the one giving her the black eyes and she's gonna get protection order against me? I was trying to protect HER from him!!!! Can you imagine her and me in front of the judge and the judge asking her why she wants that order? My answer, well, judge, she gets black eyes while fighting with her boyfriend in a drunken stupor, while my grandaughter has to hide under the blankie in her bed. And I have a mile long list of the things she's done that ARE on her legal record already. This would be a huge mistake for her to do, huge.

I suppose that idea came from him because now he's wondering what kind of crazy woman am I. Before she left me this msg, the day before, I left a msg on her phone saying that if he continues to hit her and she allows this to go on, and especially in front of my grandaughter, that I will go to court and all his dirty laundry and hers will be exposed. Now I'm assuming he is afraid of that because he's going to go to school for some kind of law enforcement degree. I said in my msg. that if his hitting don't stop, I'll make sure he never gets a job in law enforcement. I'm guessing he now wonders if I'm even capable of doing something to damage his career.

Perhaps with his worry about his own future he'll think twice before hitting her again. I'm not in no hurry to run to court, but let them wonder what would happen if I did.

Well, good for that. I'm keeping quiet for a time, let them stew about "what might" happen if they continue with the same pattern.
kiki5711 is offline  
Old 01-31-2012, 10:24 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
hey kiki-
just sending my support to you, as you have always done for me.

i cannot add anything to the subject, but that i can totally understand what you feel for your grandchild. i raised my niece because of the bad environment she was growing up in with her mom. for you little one to have to be around that is just painful to think about. what the hell is wrong w people that for the sake of their kids they don't take it down a notch.
steve1840 is offline  
Old 01-31-2012, 10:32 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
kiki5711's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Hi Steve, I've been thinking about you wondering how you're doing!

THanks for your support, and everyone elses replies.

I never knew how much better it feels when others reply to your post where you really feel lost. It's good to have friends even if I've never met any of you.

Thank you. Just talking about it gives me a clearer mind.

kiki5711 is offline  
Old 02-01-2012, 03:54 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
kiki5711's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
thank you anvil

I've told her before that I will take her to court for Lexy's custody if she don't get her priorities straight and gets help mentally.
That's when she goes with the threat that Lexy will not be coming over on weekends any more.
She knows it hurts me more than anything not to see Lexy.
But Lexy is the only one on the planet that loves her unconditionally and even though Juliet (my daughter) has these destructive relationships, she would not let anyone touch Lexy in any way if they value their life. But she still can't understand and control her rage and anger and the fact that her daughter hearing all these fights IS affecting her daughter.

I'm just laying low for time being and I think her boyfriend did get a bit afraid of me when I called him chicken sh.....it, and left a msg on Juliet's cell that if he hits her again, I will make sure he never works in any field of law enforement. Apparently he'll be attending college to be a cop or whatever. But if I have to I will call the police on him and that's one thing he DOES NOT want on his record if he wants to be in law enforcement.

I'm just taking it day at a time, and I really think when Lexy gets older (she's 5 now) she'll come live with us, unless things change and Juliet starts making positive decisions.
kiki5711 is offline  
Old 02-03-2012, 10:14 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
wicked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I am so sorry Lexy is dealing with this trauma.
Remembering my times spent under a bed, or in a closet trying to keep myself and 3 siblings quiet.
I am one of those people who wants to DO something, right now, for the kids.
But, that is usually not the best idea, because my ideas tend to go along the lines of your ideas. I don't go to the house and threaten anyone, (when drunk well.....) I usually make a few quiet phone calls.
Find out your rights as a grandparent. Become the perfect example of loving caring grandmother. Has she kept Lexy from you before to hurt you?
Be calm now, wannabe cop got the message and so did your daughter.
Now is time for information, reflection and meditation on how to keep Lexy happy and safe. You are a smart woman, you will do this.

Beth

Thank you for the lovely iris, my favorite flower in my favorite color!
:ghug3!
wicked is offline  
Old 02-03-2012, 10:25 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
kiki5711's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Thank you wicked,

Yes, I'm keeping quiet and keeping my intuitive antena up high. This strategy keeps them wondering "hmm is she up to anything".

And yes, she's threated to keep Lexy away from me because I didnt' bend to her way and she kept her at home for one weekend. The next weekend Lexy called and said "are you coming to pick me up nanna". Of course I said yes, I'll be there in few minutes. And I didn't bring up the past scenario.

She is slowly getting the picture that I'm in charge of this relationship of mother/daughter and not her. It's been quite trying but I'm learning more and more to set and KEEP my boundaries even with her threats.

She knows damn well there's nobody that loves that little girl more than I but I will NOT show her my weakness when she tries to use her as emotional blackmail.

Thanks again

kiki5711 is offline  
Old 02-05-2012, 06:45 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
dbh
Member
 
dbh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
My father was an alcoholic and I too remember time spent hiding under covers trying to remain as quiet as possible.

My parents divorced when I was 15 years old. The scars and lessons learned during the first 15 years of my life influenced the adult that I became. The early part of my adult life was spent going from one dysfunctional relationship to another. I was attracted to boys/men that were distance, unavailable, and somewhat abusive (just like my father). I was comfortable with that because that was all that I knew.

I'm a strong believer that addiction is a generational disease not solely because of genetics, but also because of the behaviors that are modeled and passed down to the children.

IMHO, your granddaughter is forming concepts of how men are suppose to treat women by watching the interactions between your daughter and her boyfriend. She is also learning about how people should treat each other by observing how YOU treat your daughter and her boyfriend. As I was reading this post, I wondered whether she hid under the covers while you yelled and cursed at the boyfriend.

I feel that the dysfunction continues in a family system until SOMEONE gets help. The family dynamic change even if just one person starts behaving differently. We can't change the addict, but we can change how we treat the addict and how the addict's behavior affects us.

For decades I was trying to "save" the members of my family of origin and all I was doing was contributing to our family's dysfunction. It was like a bad play that we just kept repeating over and over again. At first recovery felt very selfish to me, but then I started to feel that the best thing I could do for my extended family was to be the "healthiest" that I could.

I'm not always proud of the things that I model for my children. Actually, I ended up in recovery because I started to see myself repeat negative things that my mother did and said to us as children.

I still struggle. I'm a work in progress.

I said a prayer this morning for you, your daughter, and your granddaughter.

Hugs,

db
dbh is offline  
Old 02-06-2012, 06:33 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
kiki5711's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
thank you dbh

some days I feel strong for keeping my stand and boundries, other days like today I feel hurt and don't want to think about it. One thing I just keep reminding myself is not to get too wrapped up in what's going on every single minute of the day. It can drive me crazy.

I believe it will work out for the best, I just have to keep my strenght and conviction. I have to be like the engine of the train.

Many times my kids would say to me "mom you're so strong, you're the strongest woman I know" and I think to myself, "if they only knew the torment I go through inside, they wouldn't say that".
kiki5711 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:31 AM.