GalFriday

this is SO VERY difficult! The mental war is torture today! All I can think about is how easy it would be to go get just one pill so I can have a little relief. It's ONLY day 4 (i think) and I am just SO TIRED....how do people do this? how do you keep going when it feels so much easier to just pick up again? i'm tired of crying until my head hurts, tired of having these irrational thoughts, tired of sitting here all alone suffering, tired of feeling tortured by my own mind, tired of living in this mess I've created. I'm just so tired. Feeling hopeless and weak. want to crawl out of my own skin. how will i ever resist for this WHOLE damn day!? i just dont know right now. Just want to stop crying.

soberjim

Hi GalFriday...You will resist for the day! SO TIRED. yep I feel it too..Wish I had some magic words for you to make it easier. As I am finding out, there is nothing easy about this. However, I do believe it is worth the struggle.

It is hard now, but much harder in the long run if you keep taking pills.

keep positive and tell yourself you have the strength.

Look forward to your posts.

Jim

ownmybehavior

GF. So sorry for how you feel. The battle is worth it for your little boy though. Do it for him. You are not alone. Keep posting.

Best wishes.

Anna

Don't give up!

You can get through this today and it will get easier for you.

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing, and remember you don't ever have to go through this again.

bostonluv

GalFriday. You were in my thoughts and prayers often yesterday and will continue to be today. Look on the Don't Quit page and proclaim it as often as possible! I will not quit today! You can do this....you are a strong woman and very brave. Just Keep swimming!

:ghug3

AloneAlot

Im here with ya.........go ahead and get int0 the fetal position with a teddybear or a doll... if ufeel u need or want to cry......take care of the little girl inside you! IF crying dosnt..help....get off the bed/couch/floor or where ever you are and do something....MUSIC helps me....Push yourself...its probably more effort to get pills then it is to take care of yourself today....PLEASE DO THAT FOR you !!!!

Shining~Again

for what it's worth - this is totally a time limit on the physical.
You only have to make it through 2 or 3 more days and you WILL feel much better. I promise.
Then you can start dealing with the mental part of being able to get a hold of them.
For NOW, just for today, keep reminding yourself that you just got to make it
through this bit. Once this physical crap is over, you'll be better able to deal
with what course of recovery will keep you clean.
hang in there!

Hope112

Hi Gal. Be strong you can do it! I was sober for 45 days and EXCUSES brought me back to the devil. Now I am on day 4 myself. Yes, I am in a cloudy state but, I have a little man that is 4 and my excuse is I rather put 10 dollars in my sons piggy bank every day and get healthy and be a dad and not waste anymore precious time with my son. My goal is no exuses and with all the money I was killing myself with.... like I said... everyday 10 dollars in his big piggy bank.... by the end of summer I bought my son, myself and his mom a cruise. i took atvantage of a post on here or it could have been a reply to a post I read and said wow, what a great idea not only to be a better dad, better myself and get healthy again. I know it is easier said than done but for me its one of my motavations. Don't sit and think about it. Keep yourself busy.... for example I go walking, working out spend lots of time with my son.... and another day goes by and the easier it will get which I know. When i had hit my 30 day mark I was a whole different person and my poor excuses did me in meaning I can only have a couple, yeah right! I can tell you I am on day 4 and 1 day at a time and I know it gets easier I have been there. I see a lot on SR that have been sober for a long time. You will be fine. Its hard I know I am there in the fog typing now. YOU CAN DO IT! When ever you have time or feel the urge run to youre computer and come on here. It helps me sooooooooo much. Which before since I was 45 days sober I didnt think I needed to come as much then and eventually didnt. Not this time! I read posts and I cry because there are so many like us. And there is nothing better reading posts that state I been sober a week. a month, 6 months, 1 year and the struggle a lot go through. Your not alone. Since you been crying maybe I can make you smile.... I orderd netflix and been watching movies a lot. Would you like to know the first movie I watched after I got netflix? Grease.... I GOT CHILLSSSSSSS, THERE MULTIPLYING!!!!! :rotfxko

NoWhereGirl

I'm brand new to this and scared to death -not only undertaking this whole recovery thing but also posting on a forum like this for the first time ever.

I'll try to post an intro later with my story but for now I wanted to just say to you specifically - Thank You. I've been reading your posts since last week on and off. I can relate to a lot of what you've been saying and struggling with. You sound a lot like me, have the same addiction I have, and I just wanted to tell you that you are helping someone by just being here and why I'm here. I no longer feel so alone with this anymore and if nothing else, I wanted you to know that you touched someone and made a difference in someon'e life, mine, when I didn't think anyone could but maybe I've finally found the right place, and perhaps we can do it together.

jocata

I know it's brutal Gal, but don't give in. Is there any way you can take some sick time from work for a few days to get away from the temptation while you are the most vulnerable? If you take more, you will have to start over again.

Cheering for you Gal.

God bless.

Dee74

You have a lot of supporters here Gal - the good folks here @ SR got me through an agonizing day or two.

You can do this

D

Terminally Unique

Remember, you are choosing short term discomfort in exchange for long term comfort. No way around this, but it will pass.

logo

This is my experience with pain pills. It is a 5 to 7 day detox. If I take a pill on day 4 it will set me back to day 1. You are on the down hill run. Don't give up or give in. You can do this if you try hard enough. Hope this helps. Love and Respect. logo

Purplecatlover

Keep telling yourself, this will pass. Better days are ahead.
But if you give up, you're locking yourself back in the cage w/ the devil. Just push through.
Cry, let it out. The pain is unbearable, but the tears are healing.
It's amazing how strong the battle is your mind. But you are strong, you've made it this far. Don't give up.

GalFriday

thanks so much for the kind words, that means a lot to me. Sorry I didn't respond earlier, but yesterday go so bad that I couldn't even get on my computer. The crying was debilitating and crazy thoughts in my head just wouldn't stop. glad you're here!

augustwest

there's nothing wrong with crying. its natural. the drugs place us in a delusional state of manufactured feelings and close us off from our humanity. crying is a natural human release and we do so when we get clean because we've shut ourselves off from ourselves and then our humanity rushes in. its a lot to handle, and extreme. I struggled with those extremes at first, id go from crying to enraged with yelling in a split second. it took some time and work to reconnect with my humanity and rediscover the beauty of the full scope of human emotions arising and passing naturally. hell at two years I still sometimes want to run from my feelings. its a process.

NoWhereGirl

Thanks and no worries hon *hugs* You're doing great! Hang in there. I know what that's like having been there before, many times. I'm trying something different this time though, with you guys as support, my husband monitoring me, and taking it slow by tapering (both the suboxone and pills). I did okay last night and so far this morning but I know it's ONLY b/c I'm taking small amounts to maintain. I know it's not an optimal solution, but I absolutely cannot take any more time off work, having used all my time all over the past few months for this reason. I can't risk my job while hubby is still on disability. (But last night he told me he plans to finish his online classes for his degree, so that gives me incentive to do what I need to as well.)

Good news and scary news: my sub doctor just called and has me scheduled for an appt tomorrow afternoon *gulp* for a follow-up to discuss my progress and join their women's group (my first one, eek). I got off schedule after when my grandmother died last month and have to get back on. I told them it's been rough so hopefully they won't lecture me too badly because this is NOT easy (as you all know, especially when your envirionment plays such a huge part; something I can't do anything about except try to stay strong and separate from it as much as possible) but I figure that's why I'm going, I still need help. They have to know how it goes- they deal with addicts all the time. That's what they do. At least I'm coming back right? I've always gone voluntarily after my husband asked me to and they know this.

Maybe the women's group will give me support in a way I haven't had yet, and the added incentive to not take anything today or tomorrow knowing I'll be tested. Hopefully I can do it. I'm sure what I did earlier this week will show up so I'll have to suck it up and explain that I fell off the wagon big time last month and because of my stupidity, the lower dose of sub they put me on to taper off that wasn't enough to keep me from getting sick. I ran out and had to supplement with pills to function and get myself to work the past two weeks. They can't refill without seeing me, and we'd been playing phone tag for over a week until today so thank goodness they finally called.

So, wish me luck? I'm nervous about going in admitting defeat as well as going to a group for the first time. I just hope they do realize I *am* trying or I woudn't be going but I have to do what I can; I don't have a lot of other options right now. I was doing so well when I first started the program last year but this past few months, December especially, got the best of me. I got off track and feel like now I'm not the one they thought would make it, but just another disappointment for them :rotfxko) *sigh*

augustwest

Good luck to both of you. admitting defeat flings open the door to recovery.