Considering asking my husband to live in an oxford house
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Considering asking my husband to live in an oxford house
My husband was very loving and understanding when he was high but now he rages, everything I do or say aggrivates him and he refuses to be intimate. Several recovering addicts we know have confronted him but my husband still persists in his mindset. I should be a porn star or at least look like one then he'll be into sex. I know that is the drugs talking, that's the only kind of sex he knows and I am a strong and confident woman.. but it is getting to the point where I feel even allowing him to live at home where I do most everything is enabling. He went to a NA meeting last night, asked me to make him some dinner for when he got home and I did and he called at 10pm, an hour after his meeting to say he went out to dinner and would be home later. It took everything I had not to throw the food I made him on the floor and get out of the house. He didn't get home until 12:30 am. And even more so, we don't have a lot of money and to hear my husband is getting a free meal while I sit at home with nothing was beyond painful. I live my own life and I need to keep doing that. He can keep "skating" but I think it is coming to the point where he needs to get his **** together on his own and pull his own weight.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Welcome to SR. I see that this is your first post. You've come to a great forum with many people who have survived the fallout of living with and loving an addict.
If your husband is newly sober, he's an emotional roller coaster. And there's not a darn thing you can do about it. However, there are things that you can do to help yourself.
Tell us a little more about yourself. What are you doing to help cope with your husband's addiction and recovery? It's very easy to concentrate on the behavior of the addict and get caught up in the chaos they can create. It's wonderful that your husband is going to NA meetings. Are you attending any Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings? Those meetings help to keep me sane. In Al-Anon and Nar-Anon we focus on ourselves. We begin to understand what we have control over and what we don't. And it allows us to work on ourselves and find serenity whether the addict is using or not.
Stick around. Read. Post. Vent. Learn.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
If your husband is newly sober, he's an emotional roller coaster. And there's not a darn thing you can do about it. However, there are things that you can do to help yourself.
Tell us a little more about yourself. What are you doing to help cope with your husband's addiction and recovery? It's very easy to concentrate on the behavior of the addict and get caught up in the chaos they can create. It's wonderful that your husband is going to NA meetings. Are you attending any Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings? Those meetings help to keep me sane. In Al-Anon and Nar-Anon we focus on ourselves. We begin to understand what we have control over and what we don't. And it allows us to work on ourselves and find serenity whether the addict is using or not.
Stick around. Read. Post. Vent. Learn.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 8
coping
I am a non stop coping machine. I meditate, do yoga, and generally in constant zen when my husband is around. He is a co dependent, it is hard to get space to myself. The emotional abuse and just rage is overwhelming and I have to distance myself which upsets him more. It's an all day marathon. We don't have a lot of money so we are stuck most of the time with each other in our small studio apartment. I lead a very spiritual life and am very grateful for at times like these but it is very very trying. I attend Al-Anon regularly but unfortunately there is little I can do about when my husband comes and goes. I really feel sometimes like I am being held hostage. My husband refuses to be intimate but instead entraps me by saying if I divorce him, he'll take half our meager assets because we didn't sign a pre nup.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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Glad to hear that you are doing great things to take care of yourself! That's excellent! And you're right...there isn't a whole lot you can do about anything your husband does so it becomes about setting boundaries for yourself.
As far as the threats go.....I stayed in a marriage for five years because my XAH threatened to kill himself if I left him. My codependent brain just couldn't handle that. But when the pain of staying with him became greater than the pain of leaving him, I divorced him.
Fast forward 28 years to now.......my XAH is still addicted and he is still alive. The addict uses fear, threats, anger, pity, shame, you name it, they use it--to keep us in the dance. When the music of addiction starts playing.....stay seated.
gentle hugs
ke
As far as the threats go.....I stayed in a marriage for five years because my XAH threatened to kill himself if I left him. My codependent brain just couldn't handle that. But when the pain of staying with him became greater than the pain of leaving him, I divorced him.
Fast forward 28 years to now.......my XAH is still addicted and he is still alive. The addict uses fear, threats, anger, pity, shame, you name it, they use it--to keep us in the dance. When the music of addiction starts playing.....stay seated.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 8
choices
It's hard because his behavior and actions say he wants to stay in the old life and yet he dreams and babbles about the possibility of a new life. I listen to both with great detachment. It's rather painful because you don't know which way he is going to fall and it makes me want to give up. All I can do is go out and meditate on the beach with God. But it is also like all my coping and way of dealing with life is so far beyond him as he has no coping skills. He gets infuriated with my coping too. :/
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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You are doing the best you can for you and by doing so, you are doing the best you can for him as well. Although your calm coping skills may infuriate him, it's not about you really. It's about his own lack of coping skills--that's what is frustrating him. He will learn those skills by watching you and by going to his meetings. If he really wants to change, he will. If he doesn't, there's not a doggone thing you can do about it.
I also meditate and do yoga (as well as go to 2 - 3 meetings per week) and it does help to keep me more balanced.
Keep taking care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
I also meditate and do yoga (as well as go to 2 - 3 meetings per week) and it does help to keep me more balanced.
Keep taking care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
Renegade
Can i just ask; is your husband currently active in his drug use, or is he in recovery and all this rage is now coming out?*
Since you said he was in NA I'm thinking he is off the drugs, but maybe I misunderstand
Other than NA is he receiving any psychological counseling for these emotional issues?
If not, is this something he might consider adding to his recovery plan?*
He seems to understand that marriage is 50/50 in terms of material assets, but it doesn't sound like he realizes that marriage is also supposed to be a partnership in heart and soul.*
Sometimes it is better to walk away with half of something and your freedom, than it is to be stuck with all of nothing.
Hoping peace comes your way soon
Kel
Can i just ask; is your husband currently active in his drug use, or is he in recovery and all this rage is now coming out?*
Since you said he was in NA I'm thinking he is off the drugs, but maybe I misunderstand
Other than NA is he receiving any psychological counseling for these emotional issues?
If not, is this something he might consider adding to his recovery plan?*
He seems to understand that marriage is 50/50 in terms of material assets, but it doesn't sound like he realizes that marriage is also supposed to be a partnership in heart and soul.*
Sometimes it is better to walk away with half of something and your freedom, than it is to be stuck with all of nothing.
Hoping peace comes your way soon
Kel
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 8
He is going to NA and has not used as far as I know. He's even started taking the vitamins I lay out for him. His addiction has given him cancer, chronic liver disease and diabetes.
We don't have health insurance but signed up for free counseling through one of the university's in our area. We are waiting to here back from them. He seems to think marriage is a dance just like his addiction but has this idea that somehow it will get better but doesn't seem to know what that requires.
We don't have health insurance but signed up for free counseling through one of the university's in our area. We are waiting to here back from them. He seems to think marriage is a dance just like his addiction but has this idea that somehow it will get better but doesn't seem to know what that requires.
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