thinking and failure
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 17
thinking and failure
So here I am sitting here thinking... probably the worse thing for me, it always ends up with me feeling terrible.
my boyfriend is in his second inpatient rehab after being arrested for theft...
-(not by court orders, he could still be charged if they find evidence against him, released due to lac of evidence)
I feel like the world around me is caving in and I don't know how to fix it
Am I the only person who feels like they are a failure for someone else's faults? I always think back and look at the signs I was too oblivious to see. How could I be so stupid, How could I be so ignorant, I could have caught it earlier and helped but I didn't, so then he got arrested for it...
I don't even know what I'm suppose to do at this point do I follow my heart and 1/3 of my brain and stay with him and see if this time he can pull his act together or do I follow the 2/3 of my brain saying theres other amazing guys out there for you....
It's so difficult and extremely hard to deal with and though I like going to al-anon meetings everyones usually older and I'm only 18. I get so depressed and I'm pretty positive I have separation anxiety which doesn't make it easy with him gone.
This person I've been hurt by so much but I've also had the greatest memories with him. How am I suppose to just give up on this person I love and be okay. My mom wants me to give up, I can tell. But I can't seem to wrap my head around doing that, it's so foreign to me that idea.
I mean this boy taught me how to love truly, my mom and I never said I love you to each other before he came along and taught me how to love. He always use to make me say I love you before hanging up the phone with my mom, now its natural... I miss him... it's hard.
just feeling hopeless and needed somewhere to vent sorry..
my boyfriend is in his second inpatient rehab after being arrested for theft...
-(not by court orders, he could still be charged if they find evidence against him, released due to lac of evidence)
I feel like the world around me is caving in and I don't know how to fix it
Am I the only person who feels like they are a failure for someone else's faults? I always think back and look at the signs I was too oblivious to see. How could I be so stupid, How could I be so ignorant, I could have caught it earlier and helped but I didn't, so then he got arrested for it...
I don't even know what I'm suppose to do at this point do I follow my heart and 1/3 of my brain and stay with him and see if this time he can pull his act together or do I follow the 2/3 of my brain saying theres other amazing guys out there for you....
It's so difficult and extremely hard to deal with and though I like going to al-anon meetings everyones usually older and I'm only 18. I get so depressed and I'm pretty positive I have separation anxiety which doesn't make it easy with him gone.
This person I've been hurt by so much but I've also had the greatest memories with him. How am I suppose to just give up on this person I love and be okay. My mom wants me to give up, I can tell. But I can't seem to wrap my head around doing that, it's so foreign to me that idea.
I mean this boy taught me how to love truly, my mom and I never said I love you to each other before he came along and taught me how to love. He always use to make me say I love you before hanging up the phone with my mom, now its natural... I miss him... it's hard.
just feeling hopeless and needed somewhere to vent sorry..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Brooklyn NY
Posts: 156
Hi kay11, I am so sorry for all the heartache and sadness that you are feeling right now but you have made your way to the right place. While I am still fairly new here myself, I know exactly how you are feeling. It is so hard when you're so in love with an addict. But let me share with you what I have learned in the past month since I joined soberrecovery.
Where your boyfriend is at now and the circumstances that led up to it have NOTHING to do with you. You didn't put him there, you didn't make him make those poor choices, you didn't cause any of it. ALL of this was his doing, it was his choices that led him to where he's at now. Believe me when I tell you there was nothing that you could've done to have prevented any of this from happening. He made bad decisions and he's dealing with the consequences now. So, please please understand that none of it is your fault. He's in rehab and he needs to focus on himself now and more importantly you need to take this time to focus on YOURSELF. I know that's hard to do right now but there's nothing you can do for him right now. You should take some time to read some of the information on this forum about codependency and maybe look into an Alanon or Nar Anon meeting. That would be a good starting point and take in all the advice people have to offer to you on here. They really do know exactly where you're coming from. I know they have been a tremendous help to me. Stay strong and you are in my thoughts and prayers
Where your boyfriend is at now and the circumstances that led up to it have NOTHING to do with you. You didn't put him there, you didn't make him make those poor choices, you didn't cause any of it. ALL of this was his doing, it was his choices that led him to where he's at now. Believe me when I tell you there was nothing that you could've done to have prevented any of this from happening. He made bad decisions and he's dealing with the consequences now. So, please please understand that none of it is your fault. He's in rehab and he needs to focus on himself now and more importantly you need to take this time to focus on YOURSELF. I know that's hard to do right now but there's nothing you can do for him right now. You should take some time to read some of the information on this forum about codependency and maybe look into an Alanon or Nar Anon meeting. That would be a good starting point and take in all the advice people have to offer to you on here. They really do know exactly where you're coming from. I know they have been a tremendous help to me. Stay strong and you are in my thoughts and prayers
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Kay11
Although I'm 34 and your 18 I can relate to the feeling about learning to love etc... My ExAB (ex just of 3 weeks now) was the only person in my life that I completely let my guard down and really fell in live with of course I got the bonus special of him being an addict. I thought when he stopped drinking and Rx pills all would magically be great again but that wasn't the case as he wasn't quitting for him he was quitting for me. Even without pills/alcohol he acted the same selfish, mean, deceiving, cunning, manipulative, self centered way.
When I look back at most of our "good" times they were as a result of him trying to make up to me....they were 100% sincere as much as I wish they were they just couldn't be with an addict.
Please read though the forum and hopefully it will give you some clarity.
Feel free to direct message me.
Although I'm 34 and your 18 I can relate to the feeling about learning to love etc... My ExAB (ex just of 3 weeks now) was the only person in my life that I completely let my guard down and really fell in live with of course I got the bonus special of him being an addict. I thought when he stopped drinking and Rx pills all would magically be great again but that wasn't the case as he wasn't quitting for him he was quitting for me. Even without pills/alcohol he acted the same selfish, mean, deceiving, cunning, manipulative, self centered way.
When I look back at most of our "good" times they were as a result of him trying to make up to me....they were 100% sincere as much as I wish they were they just couldn't be with an addict.
Please read though the forum and hopefully it will give you some clarity.
Feel free to direct message me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Hello, Kay.
Yes, we do love with all our heart especially when we are young and have such faith.
If you had "caught it earlier", you would not have been able to help. Addiction is a medical illness, it is a permanent lifelong re-structuring of the brain. A person on the outside--you--cannot do anything to change his condition at any point in its development. A switch is thrown in the brain of the addict and it is thrown forever.
It's very good he is in rehab.
There is a very very strong likelihood he will return to drugs as soon as he gets out.
If you are with a drug addict, you will be lied to and probably made to feel very small and a failure....by him. He will do this to you and it is sometimes so cunning in its delivery that you won't even realize what's happening. Your feeling of being a failure will then intensify because of his arrogance, indifference, or criticism that you are not serving all of his needs. This is what addiction creates in a relationship. It is the addict's way of distancing from you so he can use whenever he feels like it.
If you decide to stay with him, you will both need treatment through 12-step meetings and/or therapy. Otherwise the disease will control you both.
As well, addicts are very often unfaithful. If you become sexually involved with him, you will be at risk of contracting sexually-transmitted diseases and many of those are incurable and certainly HIV-AIDS can be fatal.
Your mother is right to be worried. I'm worried, too.
Hoping you get all the good counsel you need.
Yes, we do love with all our heart especially when we are young and have such faith.
If you had "caught it earlier", you would not have been able to help. Addiction is a medical illness, it is a permanent lifelong re-structuring of the brain. A person on the outside--you--cannot do anything to change his condition at any point in its development. A switch is thrown in the brain of the addict and it is thrown forever.
It's very good he is in rehab.
There is a very very strong likelihood he will return to drugs as soon as he gets out.
If you are with a drug addict, you will be lied to and probably made to feel very small and a failure....by him. He will do this to you and it is sometimes so cunning in its delivery that you won't even realize what's happening. Your feeling of being a failure will then intensify because of his arrogance, indifference, or criticism that you are not serving all of his needs. This is what addiction creates in a relationship. It is the addict's way of distancing from you so he can use whenever he feels like it.
If you decide to stay with him, you will both need treatment through 12-step meetings and/or therapy. Otherwise the disease will control you both.
As well, addicts are very often unfaithful. If you become sexually involved with him, you will be at risk of contracting sexually-transmitted diseases and many of those are incurable and certainly HIV-AIDS can be fatal.
Your mother is right to be worried. I'm worried, too.
Hoping you get all the good counsel you need.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Let me echo that his choices have consequences and none of it has anything to do with you. If anyone could love and care an addict clean and sober or a criminal onto the straight and narrow, none of us would be here. We are not that powerful. There is nothing we can say or not say or do or not do that will influence, let alone compel someone else to make better choices for themselves. In other words, you can't fix him.
The part you control is your reaction to these events that are completely beyond your control. It's common stuff for women to fall in love with their own hopeful fantasies of perfect love. The reality here is that this guy is a thief with pending charges and a drug addict.
Listen to your mother.
The part you control is your reaction to these events that are completely beyond your control. It's common stuff for women to fall in love with their own hopeful fantasies of perfect love. The reality here is that this guy is a thief with pending charges and a drug addict.
Listen to your mother.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I have been married to the same man for more than half my life. I do not recall the last time either of us told the other " I love you". The way we treat ourselves and eachother each and every day demonstrates our love and respect.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 17
I don't know I honestly don't see how my mom can sit here and judge me for wanting to stay with him when she has bailed my dad out of jail twice for both theft and assault of an officer... I told my boyfriend that if he wants to be with me he has to make a complete 180 turn for the better this time. I believe this time he actually wants to change due to jail scaring him. He started crying and said he wanted to marry me someday. After his first inpatient rehab (might I add it was a no good facility that I would not recommend to ANYONE, he was only allowed 2 phone calls a week of 3 mins to his mom. They had no outlets of exercise for him which he uses for his anger. And they also wouldn't let his mom go to family week because she drinks alcohol. And lets not forget to mention they showed him the same video on drugs everyday and put him in a room with books and no instructor) he was doing very good he was sober for about 3 months and he was very self motivated.
I think his household situation keeps driving him back to the drugs. His own father is the one who keeps supplying him with these drugs, I wish his dad would just pass away already... It's terrible but true He has caused nothing but pain to my boyfriend... If it weren't for his dad getting MS he would have never even wanted to meet his son (it disgusts me)
The inpatient program he is in right now, though I wish it were longer then 30 days is much better with family communication which is honestly the biggest problem of them all. His mother is in denial about her alcoholism and the last treatment facility didn't even try to talk to her about how to help him at home. This treatment facility also allows him to have a calling card, skype with us, mail and email us. The other facility got mad at him for me sending him an encouraging letter everyday, it was a joke.... to this day I still want to march in there and scream at the facility for providing such a crappy half assed facility.
anyways now I'm just ranting about things but point being I'm giving him another chance because I see so much potential behind him currently he's just having some trouble getting there. He is very smart, too smart for his own good actually. Hopefully he's smart enough to get through all this now and drop his old friends because they are terrible influences.
I think his household situation keeps driving him back to the drugs. His own father is the one who keeps supplying him with these drugs, I wish his dad would just pass away already... It's terrible but true He has caused nothing but pain to my boyfriend... If it weren't for his dad getting MS he would have never even wanted to meet his son (it disgusts me)
The inpatient program he is in right now, though I wish it were longer then 30 days is much better with family communication which is honestly the biggest problem of them all. His mother is in denial about her alcoholism and the last treatment facility didn't even try to talk to her about how to help him at home. This treatment facility also allows him to have a calling card, skype with us, mail and email us. The other facility got mad at him for me sending him an encouraging letter everyday, it was a joke.... to this day I still want to march in there and scream at the facility for providing such a crappy half assed facility.
anyways now I'm just ranting about things but point being I'm giving him another chance because I see so much potential behind him currently he's just having some trouble getting there. He is very smart, too smart for his own good actually. Hopefully he's smart enough to get through all this now and drop his old friends because they are terrible influences.
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