telephonepole

Hi. I'm a 26-year-old female, and I've realized over the past year or so that I'm an alcoholic. I also used to abuse the Adderall I was prescribed, but I got off of it earlier last year.

Context:
My friends have confronted me about my excessive drinking many times. I have tried to cut down, and I've attended AA meetings, but it's so hard; in addition to the mental cravings, the physical symptoms of alcohol withdrawal really suck. When I don't drink for a day or so, I sweat profusely and get hand tremors that make it difficult to use a computer or phone. So when that starts to happen... well, I get a drink. It may sound strange, but I function better when drinking, especially since my job entails using a computer.

My insurance won't cover any substance abuse treatment, so I'm SOL in that respect.

Confusion:
I know that the stereotypical alcoholic can be abusive/destructive/deceptive, and it's obvious how that affects the people around them. I don't do any of that stuff when I drink, though. I'm a very honest person, and by nature I'm kind to people. Drinking makes me more social, and yeah, I make bad jokes and can be kind of annoying, but I enjoy it because it fights the social anxiety I feel when sober. My spelling and grammar skills are generally very good no matter how drunk I am (I just drank a bottle of wine, and look, I can type!), though I admit I may send a few too many affectionate text messages to the person I'm dating, and I may post too many stupid Facebook updates, and I may do impulsive things like tattooing myself with a needle and India ink, and I often don't remember conversations I've had while drunk.

These are not excuses; my drinking is definitely a problem, and I know I'm hurting my body as well as my career aspirations. I just wish I could understand why this issue is leading my friends and the person I'm dating to distance themselves. One friend always asks if I'm drunk when I talk to her, and I'll usually tell her that I'm drinking (for maintenance, basically) but not drunk. She'll say, "No way, you're totally drunk," even though I don't think I am because I'm not falling over.

The person I'm dating has made it clear that my drinking is a huge turn-off, and she is keeping her distance because of it. But I'm nice when I drink! And my whole social group drinks often (my other friends aren't alcoholics, though).

Why are people so afraid of being close to an alcoholic? Would you react the same way to a diabetic, a person with PTSD, an epileptic? Sure, alcoholism changes your personality, but it is still a chronic illness that's difficult to treat, and it doesn't make you a bad person.

I just think that if I had a friend or romantic interest who was an addict, I would stick by them if I really liked them--and their addiction wouldn't get in the way of my feelings as long as they were genuinely kind and honest even while under the influence. And yeah, I'd want them to get help, but I wouldn't just bail if they were struggling.

So tell me, why do you guys bail?

Pelican

You admit you don't remember conversations while drunk, so how do you know you are always nice and honest during those blackouts?

I prefer not to waste my time trying to have a meaningful conversation with someone who won't remember what we discussed.

heathersweeds

We can be so obnoxious when drunk! I used to repeat everything over and over, used to fall down, arguments can start quickly, we are rude in conversation, our whole personality changes!!! People don't want to be in a relationship with someone if it is like waiting for a time bomb to go off. Not to mention the next day when we wake up cranky and miserable. I hope you start thinking about getting sober! Things get so much better ! You will love your new life!

telephonepole

I know that I'm always nice and honest because I remember many parts of these conversations. My bad for not specifying that. I have never completely forgotten what I did while drunk. I do sometimes forget important details, though.

In any case, I know that I'm not a mean drunk, but the person I'm dating is certainly bothered by the number of times I don't recall something we talked about. Obviously, that's really annoying. Maybe I'm just more commitment-happy than the average person or something, though, because that would not be a deal-breaker for me; it would just be something I'd hope would change in the future.

I wonder if it's because I'm an alcoholic myself that I take such a tolerant stance on dating addicts. I've never dated or been close friends with another addict, so I don't know how it actually feels.

Dee74

welcome telphonepole

I'm an alcoholic myself, now in recovery.

I remember being a loud and annoying drunk - a lot of people expressing concern for me, and laying down boundaries - my roomate declared she was not carrying me in from the car anymore....

I ignored them all - then I wondered why everyone left.

I don't think my friends were afraid - although I did do some ridiculously dangerous things & people were worried- I think mostly they were just fed up?

D

telephonepole

Hah, yeah, I definitely repeat things over and over. I tend to do that sober as well.

mattmathews

Being an alcoholic doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't. Really.
Knowing you're an alcoholic, (and not everybody makes that step), you're making choices. Staying sober is hard, and besides alcohol helps you in so many ways. Drinking is a compulsion, but it's also a choice. It's a choice that is killing you. And watching you make choices that are killing you is hard for your friends.
If you were a diabetic and you were overweight, eating ice cream, drinking too much, not monitoring your insulin...you'd be right where you are right now with your alcoholism. Your friends would watch you making bad decisions, and they'd try to tell you what you should be doing. They'd remind you to take your meds. But eventually they'd recognize that your bad decisions were killing you and they might begin to withdraw.
Your friends are making choices just like you are. Watching slow motion train wreck is more than most of us are willing to endure. That doesn't make us bad people. It doesn't.

telephonepole

And do you guys ever bail because some kind of addiction-related literature told you to? That stuff disturbs me. I know that sometimes it seems necessary to make the addict reach rock bottom, but what if they don't come out of it?

Watching shows like "Intervention," I've found that to be a popular tactic. In some situations, when cutting off contact is absolutely the last resort, I condone it. But as a first, second, or third resort, I don't, and I think it can sometimes be dangerous.

I drink way less when I'm with my friends watching movies or having sex or whatever. It's usually when I'm alone that I binge, in a large part because I'm too embarrassed to drink that much in front of other people, even though I crave it. More often, I drink in the afternoon to ward off the shakes, cold sweats, etc. and meet my friends in the evening.

Point is: Friends and significant others are the best deterrent from drinking in my case. If they all ditched me, what would I do? Have an epiphany that my life is in the gutter and just quit drinking (without rehab, since I can't afford it), or drink even more?

Drinking is often a result of depression and loneliness, and if I lost friendships because of it, I'm prrrrrretty sure I'd just drink more. However, having the continuing support of my friends has so far encouraged me to go to AA and to contact addiction psychiatrists--something I probably wouldn't be doing on my own. No one has straight-up cut off contact with me so far, though I'm afraid of that happening. In my opinion, the loved ones of addicts should stick around as long as the addiction isn't directly harming them; I think this is especially important when the addict recognizes that they need help but can't bring themselves to get it.

seek

Isn't it enough that you have decided that you want to ruin your life with alcohol without having your friends buy into it too?

What makes alcoholism different than other illnesses is the self-destructive factor. You CAN get sober, you just choose not to, for the reasons you sited.

It's hard to watch people you love self-destruct.

It's also not too attractive to see someone drunk.

It's just not healthy and there is nothing good that comes of it - but you know that.

choublak

You're still drinking, right? So your friends and loved ones aren't deterring you from drinking.

Also, are you aware that alcoholism is progressive, meaning it gets worse with time? You mention you're not falling over when you're drunk, but keep drinking, and you will be one day.

stilllearning

This is a support forum for loved ones whose lives have been devastated by the disease of alcoholism, so if you don't get too many responses, don't be surprised that they don't want to interact with an alcoholic who has sat down at the keyboard under the influence.

My best advice is for you to read the posts on here and try to understand the anguish that people suffer when the alcoholic doesn't think their drinking is out of hand and they're "only hurting themselves."

And this:

Drinking is often a result of depression and loneliness, and if I lost friendships because of it, I'm prrrrrretty sure I'd just drink more.

Is alcoholism in a nutshell. Normal, healthy people not in the grips of addiction don't do -more- of the thing that has driven people away once they've been driven away. They see the cause and effect and stop the cause. You can't do that because you have a disease.

By the way, I'm seven years sober and it took a couple of years for me to get enough perspective that I really had an idea of the impacts that my drinking had on those around me. I'll spend a lifetime making amends to the friends and family who I thought were just being stick in the muds while I was still drinking.

And for the record, no. Loving or even liking you doesn't mean that anyone needs to be dragged down this path with you. That's not love - it's codependency. Again, I'd read as many of these posts as you can - and then I'd hop right over to the alcoholism support forums and see where this thing goes when you keep on the elevator until it's all the way to ground.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

SL.

Threshold

I'm a recovering addict dating an alcoholic who recently relapsed, and yeah, trust me, even as an addict myself, drunk people feel happier themselves while drunk, but they are lousy to be around.

They are too anesthetized to be a judge of what it's like to be around them, and truly, that's not even an issue.

It is no one's responsibility or job to take care of another adult who chooses to not address their own condition, be it an illness or not. If your gf or friends don't find being around you an asset to their lives, they aren't bailing on you, they are taking care of themselves. Which is what adults do.

People break up or let friendships drift away for all sorts of reasons. This is as valid a reason as any. If you think about it, there are probably some people who you've ditched for one reason or another, it just wasn't fun to be around them any longer.

You may think you are awesome while drinking, but maybe if you get sober some day you will read some of this and see that you come across as something less than charming.

I am just starting to realize after two plus years of recovery work and 9 months since my last relapse that I was sort of a grandiose a-hole while I was using. Even though I thought I was honest, supportive, the best friend anyone could ever want. I was a tedious hot air blower, who always wanted center stage and constantly had a tale of woe to share. I was totally oblivious of it for years.

you can look at it as though people bailing on poor sick you, or you can accept that perhaps as the result of your drinking you are making yourself less desirable as a friend and partner.
I doubt those people are drifting away because you are the charming, honest, dependable, awesome, fun person you assure us that you are.

telephonepole

Great points. Personally, I don't think I'd find those drunken behaviors reason to label someone as toxic or cut them out of my life. I'm friends with quite a few people who get drunk often (just not alone, like I do), and I still enjoy their company when they're drunk. And I have been sober around them, for it takes five million more drinks to get me drunk than it takes non-alcoholics.

But yeah, I totally see your point. I think my threshold for annoyance is just way higher than most people's.

I need to be nagged and begged. Ultimately, it will save my life, and I know it. I've of course already been nagged and begged, but slowly it's pushing me in the direction of real change.

My friend orders me in a stern voice to call addiction psychiatrists right away, and I do. But it's because my friend is awesome and knows that if she sounds serious enough I'll do what she says, and she's also offered to go with me to AA meetings. Having support like that is invaluable, and it will help, even if the process is slow.

I guess I'm just writing this out because the people reading this forum are mostly addicts' loved ones, and I think it's important for them to know that their support does make a difference.

telephonepole

Yes, I'm still drinking. My friends are pressuring me to get help immediately, which I'm now doing but might not have done on my own so soon. Over the past few days I've called a number of clinics and psychiatrists in the hopes that I can find help that's cheap or covered by my insurance. I've looked into various treatment options and am hoping to find a doctor who will prescribe me naltrexone to reduce the cravings.

Although my friends aren't necessarily deterring me from drinking this second, they are pushing me to do something about it. And I am. No one's gotten back to me yet because it's a weekend, though.

Yep. I know where I'm headed if I continue doing this. I hate it. I know a lot about alcoholism, and I know how terrible it is; I think I've watched every alcoholism documentary on the planet. I want to get out of this, believe me.

Isollae

Wow. Why is it so hard to just let an alcoholic be as long as their nice?

Lets start with the fact that your female.
Do you want kids?
Does the guy your dating want kids someday in the distant future?
Is your dating just for momentary fun or do you hope it'll lead to happy ever after?
If your only looking for momentary fun...does your boyfriend feel the same way?
If kids come anywhere into the picture at any time...can you stop totally and completely throughout a pregnancy and while nursing that kid?
Can you live with yourself or ask your bf to live with it if you fail to quit and your kid is born paying the price for your drinks?
Once your kid is born, if you continue to drink, can you live with yourself or ask your bf to live with it if you accidentally hurt your baby while trying to care for it while happily drunk?

This list could go on and on and on...
Heres a shorter version...

Can you imagine what its like to have to care for your partner (partner should mean equal) as you would for a baby?
Can you imagine how happy you'll stay if your partner is always feeling they need to get you to be safer or more responsible?
Do you think you'll stay a happy nice drunk if your always having to make excuses for an oops made while drunk?
Even if your partner never says STOP DRINKING YOUR AN ALCOHOLIC....they have to care and try about all the little details that make a marriage and family viable. Do you think you can drink and really be everything another human being has a right to ask for from a partner?
Or even a friend thats more then a good luck friend?

Isollae

Ok...sorry for the double post. Let me try to explain better. If you want a future...whether true friendship or spousal....with another person, then you need to be able to be an equal in that relationship. If your not, the other person will end up either walking away from you or giving you grief for it at some point. You won't stay a genuinely kind and honest drunk even if you try. You really won't.

This place has lots of people who tried to find ways to stay and tried not to bail. We bail because it hurts too much to stay and we've learned from our beloved alcoholics that we destroy each others love just by trying to build something good.

telephonepole

I'm a homo, and I'm dating a girl. I have no idea if I want kids--probably not.

I'm looking for something serious--not necessarily "happy ever after," but something that involves closeness, at least for a little while. She is unsure of whether she could get serious with me, and she said it is specifically because of my drinking problem.

As for the rest of your questions, it seems like you have the impression that I want to continue drinking and am trying to justify it. I don't; I want help, and I try to cut down, but I'm struggling badly with it. I know it might take a while to find a doctor who can help me (rehab and detox are out of the question because my insurance won't cover them), and I hope that the people in my life will stay and cheer for me when I take steps toward getting better instead of giving up on me.

I sincerely want to stop being a drunk--that's why I'm on this forum in the first place. It's just too hard to quit by myself at this very moment, so I'm trying to get affordable medical help, and it's taking a while.

Isollae

Lol! Now that hadn't even occurred to me! One of my brothers is gay. He's been with the same man for almost 30 years now. They have a beautiful relationship and though they've thought of adopting kids, they never did. Instead they have their dogs that they call kids and lavish with love. They are equal partners though. They know that they can count on each other for all 24 hours of every day.

I can't blame anyone for looking for that.

Thumper

Well from my experience only (and I think I married a man very much like you describe yourself)...

You say you nearly always have some alcohol in you. It is hard to be close with someone on a personal level when they are always just a little numb or buzzed. Nothing felt honest, even if he really meant it. It was crystal clear to me when my husband was numb, buzzed, or drunk. Your friends are not lying to you.

You admit to being annoying, telling bad jokes, drunk texting, being stupid on facebook, being impulsive, and forgetting what you've said when you drink. Not all that charming and fun to be around.

You admit to hurting your body and your career aspirations. You are putting alcohol before your own personal life. IME it was 100% clear that if he was going to put alcohol over his own person, it surely came before me. I knew where I came in the pecking order long before I admitted it. He chose alcohol over me. Before you say that isn't true in your case it is or you'd be sober. There is no trust, none, with an alcoholic because by definition - alcoholics follow the voice of alcoholism FIRST.

It is also impossible to plan a future with someone that is nailing the coffin lid on her health and career. It is impossible to plan so much as a vacation with someone that you can not trust to stay sober, save money because money is spent on alcohol first, and that may not even remember the details of the conversation - to name just a few things. I couldn't so much as plan to get the garage cleaned out.

There was a lot of other things that made life with an alcoholic unmanagable. I stuck to the things you metioned because the specifics of my story may not pertain to you. The point is that there are surely things you are not seeing about how your alcoholism is affecting the details of your friendships.

A healthy relationship is balanced. Support and trust goes both ways. A healthy friendship leaves us feeling good about ourselves and energized. There is trust and we can each count on one another. That might be where an alcoholic friend differs from a diabetic friend. A friend with diabetes is still able to offer a balanced relationship. IME, an alcoholic just can not. With alcoholism support and energy go one direction. Trust is eliminated. We feel bad about ourselves and the friendship. It is exhausting. The alcoholism changes your brain. It changes how you think about, perceive, and interact with your world and the people in it. That is just a medical fact for every aloholic and you are not an exception.

Wishing you the best. I hope you go to the other forum where you can find the support you need, and that they can provide.

stilllearning

We can't give medical advice here, nor should we, but what you're describing in the afternoons is typical alcohol withdrawal.

Any family doctor should be able to talk you through what this entails and help you with the symptoms as well as give advice on next steps.

I detoxed at home under my family doctor's care and checked in with him every day for the first two weeks on how I was tracking - I also went to an AA meeting every day for the first 90 days. My AA group and AA sponsor were invaluable in helping me keep focused on what I was trying to achieve and they had all been through everything that I was going through.

You can't "cut down" when you're physically addicted - you have to stop. Making the decision to do that is the hard part but as soon as you're there, you can attend an AA meeting for a dollar a meeting if that's all you can afford. My first three months of sobriety "cost" me all of about $400 and it was the best money that I ever spent.

There are many, many options between weeks, months or years of trying to "cut down" and full-on inpatient rehab. These guys have a sliding scale, are right in your city, offer outpatient services and specialise in women's recovery as well as gay and lesbian groups to boot:

ASAP Treatment Services Inc of Portland OR

The only question is whether you're ready - and only you can answer that. Nobody will be able to "nag or push" you there until you're ready.

SL