blackandblue

My drug addict boyfriend broke up with me yet again after against my better judgement, I let him in again. I still loved him and so I took a chance. It is a long story with painful details. In a lot of ways it is the same story as many others but nonetheless I will share.

I am a beautiful, intelligent, successful 30 year old woman who has allowed another person to bring me down for the sake of dare I say, love. I now understand that I had to heal my own wounds from being an ACOA through this relationship and previous boyfriends as well. But I want to be done with this pattern of codependency and that is why I am posting as well as to understand a more about his behavior. I am sick of pretending I can do it on my own because I am so "strong and independent" which my ex loves and hates by the way.

I fell in love with him 2 years ago and knew about his drug and criminal history from the start. It seemed to me like it was in his past but I admit that I think I knew deep down what I was in for. He was charming, intelligent, funny, charismatic, romantic and in love with me. So I believed.

After a few months of dating, we had our first fight. Something I said triggered him to snap. I could not see it for what it was for a long time because it was subtle at first. After sometime I realized that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and with a recovering drug addict only months off of heroin. Throughout his adolescence and early adulthood he has done every drug under the sun. That being said he has had many successes in life and he is loved by many although he cannot see that. Recovering addict is a term I use lightly, since he was using marijuana regularly and alcohol at times and very occasionally pills until this day. I will spare you the details because I don't know if they are relevant.

Then it was lying...then cheating... then it was more lying... then relapse. I denied for 2 months what was right in front of my eyes. He withdrew in every way. I thought he was cheating on me. Finally, I put all of the signs together and realized he was using again. I did not know what it was but I feared the worst. He finally told me that he was injecting heroin again after I told him how worried I was about him. That was over a year ago.

There the cycle began (or continued). I stayed and tried to help. I left the house. I came back and tried to help again. A few more times of this cycle and then I moved out. I was in my own state of shock and still enabling him. Letting him use my car, helping him get food, maintaining the household, hearing his stories, watching him kill himself.

Finally I got the courage to leave the state and then the country to carry out our original plan to work overseas. Before I left, I took him to detox and that was the last time I saw him before I left. We maintained on again off again communication while I was gone. Although I had tried to move on and even tried dating someone else for a short period before I left overseas, I realized it was too soon and I was still in love with him.

Fast forward to a few months ago when I returned home. I hesitated to see him and did not even tell him I was coming home because I knew I would get too attached if I saw him again. I decided to wait but he found out I was home and came to see me.

He lives in a different state now so it was only temporary. Again it was great at first and then he started treating me poorly and I became suspicious of him lying or cheating or using or a combination of all of them. In other words, the trust was clearly broken and I wanted to fix it and move forward. He said he did but did not follow through. After he left to go back home for work he distanced himself from me. And after a rollercoaster of arguments he said he did not care about me anymore and that he wanted me to move on. He blamed everything on me and accused me of having several other boyfriends and lying to him because I would not be his friend on facebook. What he still cannot hear to this day is that I had nothing to hide but I did not want to be friends until he could really learn to be my friend let alone boyfriend.

Again, there are so many details to this story. This story has left me at times feeling like I will be fine and other times like I will never find love again after such abuse. I am doing things to take care of myself but I feel like this man has died and been reborn so many times and has used me and taken me for granted. Of course I wonder if he loves me and cares about me. I know I put myself in this situation again and it hurts like hell. I want it to go away but I am sensitive and things hit me deep. It is affecting my work and other relationships. I really want to pull my head out of my you know what and move on.

I have so many unanswered questions. Is he using heroin again? Is he drinking himself to death? Is he suicidal or depressed? Is he using this all as an excuse because he wants to be with another woman or women? Should I even care? Will I stop caring? How do you stop obsessing? Why does he not write or call?

It is also sad because he invited me to come visit for valentines day just a week ago and then pulled out the rug from underneath me again. I do understand that I am likely better off without and he needs to focus on recovery

That is where I am at presently and so desperately am praying for guidance.

Until then I will keep praying and suggestions and feedback are most welcome.

Hold tight...Let go light...

suki44883

Welcome to SR. A lot of us have been in this same situation, so we understand how you are feeling. The truth of the matter is, you are definitely better off without him. He is an addict in addition to being a liar and a cheater. Why would you want someone like that in your life?

You sound like an intelligent person, and yes, intelligent people fall in love with the wrong person sometimes, but since he has ended the relationship, you have a ready-made out. You'll just drive yourself crazy worrying about whether or not he's using or drinking or whatever. He's doing what he wants to do and that is his business. He's a grown man and can figure out how to take care of himself. You deserve to have a relationship with someone who gives as much as you give and doesn't cheat and lie. Don't settle for this guy. He's not relationship material.

Stick around and do a lot of reading, especially the stickie posts at the top of this forum. You'll find a lot of helpful information there. Keep posting, it will help.

dollydo

This guy has given you a gift, take it and run, he is not Mr. Right, he is Mr. Miss.

You deserve so much more, don't spend another minute of your time on him.

EnglishGarden

Your username caught my eye and your post deeply touched me. Many of us know the crazymaking rubberbanding hotandcold jekyll/hyde life of relationship with a drug addict.

First: he is an active drug addict. He has no recovery. So he is insane. There is NO connecting with him. It is all an illusion and he is the magician who knows all the tricks. You are the person in the audience who believes. Nothing has been real because he is not real.

Second: you will be all right anyway. I can hear it in you. No matter how messed up you may be feeling, you are someone who WANTS TO BE AWAKE AND AWARE and this is what separates the diehard codies from the recovering codies.

I'm sorry for your pain and confusion. He controls you with his silences and disappearances. Gather your friends close to you, ask them for support and prayers, and I recommend no contact with him. The only useful contact would be him knocking on your door with the 9thStep in his heart after he has been working the first 8 steps. Without significant recovery, he will continue to shake you to your core.

God bless.

FindingJoy

[QUOTE=anvilhead;3261251]lying
cheating
using
abusive
unstable
manipulative
selfish
jerk

Very helpful I would like to add to this list if you don't mind...as I keep going into I miss him fantasy thinking

Lying
Mean
Intimidating
Uncaring
Entitled
Self involved

choublak

He has a history of shooting up heroin. Do you think he uses a clean, unshared needle every time? I once read that if you hold out a syringe containing heroin as well as an HIV strain, in front of an addict in need of a fix, and tell them, "this contains the HIV virus", they will take it and use it anyway, the drug is so strong. Being with a heroin addict who continues to use, and lie, isn't safe for you. I'm not trying to scare you, but you must think about your own health here.

blackandblue

Thank you for all of your replies. It is more powerful than I realized it could be to have this kind of reflection. I tried al-anon for a short time and would like to go again as well as to CA. I thought that was giving his addiction too much attention but I see now that it is about my recovery. It is so challenging to be "selfish" because I am used to getting called some nasty name for it.

I need to reinforce the no contact rule within myself as he is not contacting me for the first time since we have been involved. Maybe my message got through to him by being less tolerant to his mind games and ultimatums but it still hurts that he has not reached out.

I will look at that harsh and true list of his negative qualities and think I need to put the "good" list to the side for now. Just wish I could get all of his cruelty out of my head and my heart as quickly as he abandoned me.

Offering a prayer for all of those who offered guidance, for those who are going through heartache, and for those who are addicted. I feel truly blessed to have not lost my will.

blackandblue

Thank you for this reminder. Since he lies how would I truly ever know? I was tested and am negative but will re-test in a while because who knows. This post hit me hard as even though his history is to use clean needles and he has been tested yearly I need to realize I lucked out.

naive

dear blackand blue-

having been in a similar situation, believe me, this is not the last you have heard of him. perhaps best to take some steps to become a bit more unreachable...change your userid, close that facebook account, change your telephone number.

he's trouble with a captial T. i know it's hard, but if you remain in contact with him, you will suffer MORE. what you think is bad now, will be nothing in comparison.

for myself, i found counseling critical to breaking the cycle. can you get a therapist?

naive

Willybluedog

Have you looked at the ACOA forum, there is a lot of great information there especially in the "stickies" at the top of the page, also there is a separate ACOA website, I have been reading their handbook "The Big Red Book" and have started on the Workbook. I have found both helpful and am incorporating them into my therapy sessions (which have been a lifesaver).

Please don't be to hard on yourself, many of us have stumbled, and righted ourself only to stumble again, when you get tired of stumbling then you will get rid of the things that you keep tripping over wether they be physical or mental or both.

I am so glad you are here, best of luck to you.