idc67

After a year of trying to get my alcoholic son the help he needs, I realize that nothing is better. After being stood up on Christmas Eve, I feel like my heart is hardened and I don't know if that's a normal feeling. I'm just so tired of being hurt and he still doesn't believe he needs help. So what does a parent do now? My son is 20 and he doesn't live at home. I don't have a whole lot of contact with him. He basically calls when he needs something, usually it's a ride since we sold his car after his OWI.
I know it does no good to help him, because anytime we have, whether it be money support, etc., he'll "thank" us by refusing to answer our phone calls when we want to do something as a family.
The part that is so confusing, is that I feel like this happened over night. He didn't start drinking until sports were over his senior year of high school and then BAM! instant spiral downward.
I don't know him anymore. I'm embarrassed that he is my son because out of 16 grandkids, he's the only one with an OWI and 7 drinking related arrests.

I just need advice.....

NYCDoglvr

I recommend Al-anon, a great program to help not getting sucked into an alcoholic's drama. The hardest thing for me was seeing how powerless I really am but the sooner I could accept it, the better I felt. Have you set boundaries? Deciding no more money or, perhaps no rides? I'm not saying these should be boundaries for you, it just helps to have them.

God bless

akalacha

(((idc))) Welcome to the forum. You're right that it does no good to help him. A's tend to take and take whatever they can with no thought of giving anything back. They are sick and that makes them selfish. Don't be embarrassed-you didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I understand that you want to do whatever you can for him. But know that whatever you do will never be enough. He needs to want to quit drinking for himself. If/until that happens, nothing you do will make any difference. I'm glad you found this place, keep coming back. You can't make your son quit drinking, but you can learn how not to let it affect your life. I know, easier said than done. But it is possible. Sending you positive thoughts.

seek

I wish there were a separate section for parents, because I personally believe it is a little different dynamic. Parents raise kids and devote years to nurturing them in the hopes that they will grow into good, strong, functional people. When that doesn't happen, it is devastating.

It is counter to nature to not want your progeny to do well . ..a parent is naturally "attached" to that.

Others will share wisdom with you on letting go - I am a grandma with an alcoholic grandson and it is heart-breaking.

Alanon does help, a sponsor does help, taking care of yourself does help, and still (for me) it is very difficult.

As far as hardening your heart is concerned - that is understandable as a protective measure - you might want to consider really getting into the grief of your disappointment - write about it, talk to someone - get bodywork done - feel the feelings and let them go ... write a letter to him and burn it . ..to get all of the feelings out.

Oh, and pray like crazy for yourself and him and all of your family who have been devastated by this "disease." (Spiritual disease, in my book).

My grandson also started drinking after sports in his senior year. Don't have any idea what is going on in his head or why this seems like a "good" solution to any problems . ..

Good luck and I hope you get some good advice and some relief.

CatsPajamas

I remember how hard it was when my son struggled. My recovery friends helped me to understand that it wasn't necessary for me to make excuses for him or for his bad behavior.

I can't tell you how many times I used this same statement when extended family and well meaning friends asked questions: "D has some really important life lessons to learn, and apparently they aren't from me. We appreciate your understanding and prayers during this difficult time.

That pretty much shut them up.

I'm sorry for your struggles, and I hope that your son finds his way, soon.

Hugs from mom to mom.

BHF

Here's a little advice from someone who's been where your son is. I understand that you try to get him the help he needs, but until he wants it, it won't work. I didn't want it until I had exhausted every other option, meaning I finally realized that I could not drink without the danger of severe consequences. At the end, I didn't even mind that I couldn't drink successfully. I had accepted this fact. I was content to continue as I was,m getting the same results as I was getting, as long as it didn't get worse. Luckily for me, it got worse.
I stood my mom and family up for things too, Usually because I was too hung over from the night before to follow through with my obligations. I felt like **** about it, but I couldn't make myself do it b/c I was either too sick, or too embarrassed that they might realize I had been drinking. I, too, used my family for things. I usually used them as an ATM. I made plenty of money, but I always blew alot of money and tried to live a lifestyle which I couldn't afford b/c I was not only alcoholic, but selfish and irresponsible.
Are you sure that he hadn't drank at all until after his senior year sports? I had drank throughout hughschool, but always kept a lid on it because I knew I had football/baseball practice/games and couldn't risk getting caught. After this was over I started drinking more and more often not only because the responsibility of sports were gone, but because sports were gone altogether. I knew that I wouldn't play at a college level and it was a way to close that part of my life out. Kinda romancing the good old days.
Try not to be embarrassed of him. Trust me, there are likely many times when he is embarrassed enough for you both. That was one of the things that kept me at it - a mixture of the embarrassment of what I had become, self-pity and disgust. You're most likely not going to be able to convince him to quit drinking by threats, pleas or any other way. My mother tried it all. In hindsight, I think the best thing that she could have possibly done was to tell me that she loved me, she realized that I had a problem with alcohol, that she was not going to continue bailing me out of the problems that alcohol caused me, but when I was ready to get help, that she would support me.

FlyerFan

It is extremeley, extremely hard to help someone when they don't want to be helped. I am a recovering alcoholic myself but growing up my oldest brother was well into booze and drugs before he was even 18 and I can remember my mother going through the exact same thing. It sounds really mean but you have to let them hit rock bottom before they realize that they desperately need help. My brother ended up getting sent to jail for 45 days for robbing a store and when he got out he was better but still not getting help, finally when his girlfriend got pregnant, having a baby on the way made him do a complete 360 turn around and now he is a drug free father of 3 beautiful little girls.

m1k3

idc67, welcome and ((((hugs))))

One of the first things I learned here was the 3 c's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

In my experience Al-Anon has been a life saver. It has given me the tools and support I needed to put my life back in order and get sane and healthy again.

So please consider attending, it is well worth it. I went to several different meetings when I started because each meeting has a different flavor.

Keep posting here as well, it is very much like an on line meeting. A bit less structured but with lots of experience, strength and hope as well as wisdom.

Your friend,