feelingalone43

My AH is trying to control his alcoholism on his own. He has cut down drastically in the past year. Went from being drunk every day to only drinking low alcohol beer daily and getting drunk about once a month or so. There is never any abuse, but when he's drunk he is obnoxious, rude, and sloppy. He works very hard and provides a good lifestyle for me and our kids. It is the knowing that he will slip up and have too much, and the wondering which day that will happen on, that is driving me into depression. I am trying to get on with my own happiness and find activities that keep me from going insane. I am also still hurt and angry from the last time (three weeks ago) and need to let go of the anger. I find myself not being physically attracted to him right now, even when he's sober, because I can't stop seeing him staggering around when he's wasted. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you

wanttobehealthy

I wish I had some great tip to offer. I will say this. It was THIS exact feeling (combined with realizing how much our young kids also felt that silent anxiety/strain of waiting for the "next time") that made me leave for good.

I hear you saying there is no abuse, but if you are worried about his behavior when he is drunk and he is unpredictable and rude, well, that sounds like of like verbal and emotional abuse to me. I said that there was no abuse from my high functioning, good provider AH too and I believed it. But there was definitely abuse. I am not saying you are being abused, just suggesting you think about what you're defining abuse as.

If he is an alcoholic and still drinking, he is not controlling his alcoholism. He's just white knuckling it day to day trying to not have a major relapse is my assessment. My experience with my AH is that when he appeared to be "controlling" his drinking it really was just a slow march to a major binge.

Glad you are here. This is a great site and you willl get a lot of support. Welcome!

feelingalone43

Thank you for replying to my post. I agree that he is "white knuckling" it. He even admits that he is. I know recovery is day to day, but he says he will make no promise that he won't get out of control now and then, and that I should just be grateful for the progress he's making.

Freedom1990

If he were "white-knuckling" it, he would not be drinking at all, with no recovery in place.

He drinks beer every day, and it doesn't matter the alcoholic content.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. He may keep up this pattern for a period of time, but it won't last.

This may be as good as it ever gets.

Is this what you want for you and the kids the rest of your life?

Linkmeister

I went through the same thing with my EXABF-no recovery program ("nothing" worked) for him. I knew I couldn't go through the rest of my life walking on eggshells, waiting for the next relapse. There's nothing worse than that feeling of dread that comes over you, the gnawing in your stomach, the butterflies, the knowing that another relapse is just around the corner. With each relapse, the verbal and emotional abuse got worse, the fights got crazier and it left me drained both emotionally and physically till it got too much for me to bear.

He's been out of my life for a few months now and while it has been hard for me, my life is no longer filled with that dread of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I felt that anger you're feeling and when it really took over my head, I kept telling myself that it was his decision to keep drinking, I couldn't control his decisions, but I could control mine, and my reactions.

I stil have those moments, those flashes of anger but they are a lot less than before. Being apart, ending things was a hard decision for me, but the best one for me to keep my self- respect and sanity.

FindingJoy

I've been in that same thought process...where I was in full Codie mode and actually was somewhat accepting the BS my EXAB was telling me...like.."You know I can't drink Grey Goose that is what caused all of the problems, so I'm just going to to drink red wine and not too much just two or three glasses."

Of course we know 2 or 3 glasses means a least one bottle on an empty stomach and most likely two. In that state of mind I was in...the insanity I chose to believe him simply because I wanted it to be true. I remember justifying it like, "well some people do react different with hard alcohol vs. wine or beer so he probably has a point."

Not that my story is the same and yours but I thought it could offer some perspective. BTW, my ExAB went into recovery about 6 months ago and because I finally admitted to my self he is a DRY DRUNK I left him 3 weeks ago. So taking away the booze didn't take away all of the negative and toxic personality defects he has...wishing them away didn't work either I tried that too.

feelingalone43

So I guess my next step is to decide how much I am willing to tolerate and if I can live with this anxiety. How long can I go before just throwing in the towel? If he goes longer and longer between "out of control" days, does that mean that there is hope of his quitting completely, or am I fooling myself?

FindingJoy

The fact your asking yourself that question provides a lot of insight.

I so get where you are at....I was in that place for a year....sucked into the insanity of addiction.

:codiepolice:codiepolice

feelingalone43

we've been married almost 19 years. I go back and forth with myself constantly. I tell myself I should be happy, so much better off than others. Nice home (2 of them, actually), great kids, no physical abuse to me or the children, plenty of food, money...but then I see him get out of the car with an open beer after work, and I just see all the times he has staggered around and knocked things over, passing out eventually. Sorry if I sound like an ungrateful, whiny person. I think I am just as much in need of help as he is. Really he seems quite content until I speak up.

FindingJoy

Of course he's fine until you bring it up...and then how does he act when you point out this inappropiate and unhealthy behavior?

Does he get defensive, mean, angry, snap at you?

It doesn't matter that he's a good provider in term of money...that doesn't make you ungrateful for wanting a sober, supportive, safe husband.

My ExAB is successful and we went on all sorts of trips people would dream about and he has a luxury car, bought me all sorts of nice gifts (usually to make up for bad behavior), wore nice clothes, was charming, blah blah blah but bottom line is that I was sad, felt alone, my needs weren't being met and he was unhealthy and toxic.

Many times addicts who have a cash flow use money or the way the provide to the family and form of manipulation...saying "look at all I provide for you isn't that enough?" "So what I want a couple beers after work, I have a stressful job how else do you think we live this way?"

just a few examples.... it is all just defection and one has nothing to do with the other whether you live in a mansion or a hut.

BIG HUG

Freedom1990

That is tremendous insight on your part.

We who have loved ones in active alcoholism are affected profoundly.

What has helped me over the years is attending Alanon on a regular basis, and practicing its principles in all areas of my life. I got my hands on a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I also see a therapist.

By working my own recovery from the effects of someone else's alcoholism, I have been able to make decisions with a clear head and do the next right thing.

Sending you hugs of support!

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholism is a progressive disease.

The only way an alcoholic can control it is by not drinking.

I wish I could give you hope that your husband may be able to control it.

choublak

If he's still drinking, he's not making progress, because alcoholism gets worse with time. Furthermore, his decision to "cut back" should not depend on whether you are grateful or not. People find sobriety because they want a better life for themselves, not to make a loved one grateful or happy.

SmallButMighty

I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I just want you to know you aren't alone, I am going through almost the exact same thing. My husband of 19years is also white knuckling his sobriety. Although he isn't actively drinking I fear that he will and I dread to see him staggering,slurring,with blurry/unfocussed eyes and wreaking of booze. It breaks my heart when he allows the booze to call the shots. The last few months have been great but I still keep wondering when the next slip up will be and what kind of shame spiral that will send him into..and what kind of angry hurtful reaction I will have to it.

Hang in there Feelingalone43... you aren't actually alone. Many people here know and understand exactly what you are going through. I wish to all the Gods that may be that we didn't have to be part of this chaos but we all are, and we are definitely not alone.

Take lots of deep breaths sister and remember to take care of yourself, so that you can take care of your children.

***BIG HUGS***

Terminally Unique

The question you need to ask yourself is this: "How much longer am I willing to put up with this?"

Your answer is your own, but that should give you a good starting point.

wanttobehealthy

Sorry for my use of white knuckling it improperly. I understand it is typically used to reference no drinking at all w no program support-- I just meant that her AH was tenuously attempting to "control" his drinking and barely hanging on prior to whenever his next drunk fest is. I used white knuckling just to mean barely hanging on to whatever illusion of control he thinks he has...

feelingalone43

coming to this site has been the best thing I have done for a long time. Thank all of you so much for the support. I will keep coming here and I wish nothing but the best for you, my new-found friends

Linkmeister

The biggest gift of recovery I gained was coming here to SR and going to AL-Anon-knowing I was NOT alone in how I felt, what I did and how I reacted.

lillamy

I can't tell you what to do but I can share my experience. Which sounds similar to yours.

I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic who never missed a day of work. You're asking if you can live with the anxiety. One of the things that made me decide to leave was that my body started giving up. I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue after three doctors had told me I was just "getting older"... I slept 13-14 hours/night and was still tired.

I felt responsible for him, and I wasn't sure where I ended and he began. I took responsibility for his feelings, his actions, his moods. Every time he told me he drank because of something I had done, I believed him.

I needed to learn to separate myself and my feelings from him and his. I needed to learn that I didn't cause his drinking. I couldn't cure it. I couldn't control it. That all of that was outside the realm of what I had powers over.

And once I had learned that, I needed permission to leave. I needed to have someone tell me that I had the right to take the children and escape from the insanity his drinking created; the image of reality his drinking had made him create in his mind, and that he shared with the family.

After I left, the children and I moved from the cushy suburb to a marginal neighborhood (because that's what I could afford). You know what the first big change the kids noticed was? They weren't afraid anymore. Now, on the surface, they probably had a bigger reason to be street smart and look over their shoulders in our new 'hood. But they weren't scared. Because they weren't told that other people were out to get them and that we don't talk to other people about what goes on inside our home. They built relationships with kids who had parents who drank or did drugs. Ideal? No. But they got to feeling normal for the first time in their lives. And they weren't lying anymore.

That's only some snapshots. Getting out from under the anxiety, the fear, the waiting for the other shoe to drop... takes time. Leaving helped, but it still takes time. But you don't have to solve it all today. It took me four years from the first time I set foot at Al-Anon until I left. I wish I had left sooner, but I left when -- as Mike here says -- "the pain of leaving was less than the pain of staying."

FindingJoy

Thanks for sharing your story very inspirational.