lost
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1
lost
I am a boyfriend for 4 years and my girlfriend started using opiates 2 years ago after the abortion of our second child, we currently have a 2 year old boy. This abortion , which i wad against, seemed to really strained her. See, we are 9 years apart in age, she being 24,me 33. After a long hard 2 year battle to get it all to come to a head, break ups , arguements with her parents, finally the first of the year we got her into rehab. Now almost 30 days in, she has been seeming unsure about a lot obviously, but still calls and says she wants me to go to meetings with her when she gets out but shows Sig.s of unsurity toward me, I'm the guy who brought this all to a head. It eating me alive on what to do, I love her with everything, but i keep thinking to take the back seat. My question is , what approach should I take when she gets out? Should i just drop my son off to let them catch up and give her a few days to readjustment, or do I take the first step ib to stating that I'm gonna back off for now, or just see how she acts and feels, I'm so confused and anxious, my mind woulnt stop running!
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I think it's wise and thoughtful that you are considering options. Wait and see how she acts and feels, and use that as input towards your final decision. Your son is a priority. He must be taken care of responsibly. Though it is wonderful that you support her recovery, ultimately, as an adult (no matter what has gone down between the two of you) she is responsible for herself, including her recovery.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,316
Welcome Junior
I have no real experience with this but I agree that no matter what else you decide your son's welfare will obviously be the #1 priority
We also have some Family and Friends forums here you may be interested in reading and posting to as well:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
You'll find a lot of support here at SR
D
I have no real experience with this but I agree that no matter what else you decide your son's welfare will obviously be the #1 priority
We also have some Family and Friends forums here you may be interested in reading and posting to as well:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
You'll find a lot of support here at SR
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 456
I can only speak from my experience.
When I was in treatment they said it was critically important to go to a meeting the day we got out. My wife was more than willing to let me do that and would do just about anything I needed to help me...for a while. She went to a few meetings with me early on just to see what it was about.
This changes the dynamic in any relationship so it's likely to become quite different. She is likely quite insecure right now about what her world will be like when she gets out and you are the largest target of that insecurity.
My wife and I were having some real problems not long ago. She resented the fact I didn't include her in my recovery. That I could talk very personally to my sponsor and others in recovery but didn't share much with her. She was constantly suspicious of my motives. I talked to my sponsor about the problems we were having and he gave me some great advice gleaned from his 26 years in recovery.
"In my experience there are three main scenarios in a relationship when one person gets into recovery:
1. Everything stays the same and the addict/alcoholic eventually goes back to drinking/using.
2. They get divorced.
3. The whole family gets into recovery and they recover and grow stronger together."
I hope you don't look at this as a bad thing. The destruction of addiction in the family is like a tornado through a trailer park. There are many recovery programs for families that can help you grow with each other and hopefully grow closer.
It wasn't until I heard this that I decided I had to get my wife involved. Since she refused the alanon approach I had to find another way. We now have a family counselor we see that specializes in addiction and recovery. It has helped us understand and appreciate each other so much more. We have a lot of work still to do but neither of us want options 1 and 2.
In a long-winded, roundabout way, I think it's fantastic she wants to include you in her recovery. As Dee pointed out -there is a forum for the family too.
Getting out of treatment is just the beginning of recovery and the chance to have a close caring relationship of trust and mutual respect.
I sincerely wish you the best.
When I was in treatment they said it was critically important to go to a meeting the day we got out. My wife was more than willing to let me do that and would do just about anything I needed to help me...for a while. She went to a few meetings with me early on just to see what it was about.
This changes the dynamic in any relationship so it's likely to become quite different. She is likely quite insecure right now about what her world will be like when she gets out and you are the largest target of that insecurity.
My wife and I were having some real problems not long ago. She resented the fact I didn't include her in my recovery. That I could talk very personally to my sponsor and others in recovery but didn't share much with her. She was constantly suspicious of my motives. I talked to my sponsor about the problems we were having and he gave me some great advice gleaned from his 26 years in recovery.
"In my experience there are three main scenarios in a relationship when one person gets into recovery:
1. Everything stays the same and the addict/alcoholic eventually goes back to drinking/using.
2. They get divorced.
3. The whole family gets into recovery and they recover and grow stronger together."
I hope you don't look at this as a bad thing. The destruction of addiction in the family is like a tornado through a trailer park. There are many recovery programs for families that can help you grow with each other and hopefully grow closer.
It wasn't until I heard this that I decided I had to get my wife involved. Since she refused the alanon approach I had to find another way. We now have a family counselor we see that specializes in addiction and recovery. It has helped us understand and appreciate each other so much more. We have a lot of work still to do but neither of us want options 1 and 2.
In a long-winded, roundabout way, I think it's fantastic she wants to include you in her recovery. As Dee pointed out -there is a forum for the family too.
Getting out of treatment is just the beginning of recovery and the chance to have a close caring relationship of trust and mutual respect.
I sincerely wish you the best.
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