withoutatrace

Hi, I'm a newcomer, I'm living in a halfway house. I'm picking up my 7 months next week and this is definitely not my first time around. I relapsed very badly in June last year and I'm so grateful for where I'm at now and to just be alive and healthy. But this past month I've been acting out in so many old behaviors - replacing drugs for guys. And my best friend is smoking that fake weed spice, I'm pretty sure we were at an event last night and she left for 10 minutes with a girl who smokes it and came back and her eyes were glassy and she looked dazed. I asked her and she got pissed and said it was her fake eyelashes... I've cut all the guys out of my life and a lot of the girls already and I haven't talked to her since... I'm just so lonely. I did my 5th with my sponsor tonight and then meditated for an hour after and felt great. Then reality sent in that I have no one to hang out with other than sick people. I have a huge fear of being alone.

withoutatrace

and I'm only 18. I've had 8 months before and I relapsed right after my 5th stuff, having all my trauma and **** brought to the surface. And i said one thing I thought I never would to my sponsor tonight. I'm just so scared and this is the feeling I had right before I relapsed last year.

Josiegirl

Im glad you posted!

This site has been so helpful for me. It keeps my mind occupied.

Have you been to the chat room?

withoutatrace

No I haven't been to the chat room, I wasn't aware that there was one!

straykatz

Hey, sounds like youre on the beginning of the correct path! Im 48 married and clean for 18 days now. I could give you all the little peptalky thing things but it sounds you have lived quite a bit for some one so young!

Well, you know then that when things are really sh***y they always get better, sometimes just takes a bit of time and hard work, right?. This is a great spot, this forum, I mean. I find that one of the best ways to not use is to find other things to do and hangin out on the SR forum kills two birds with one stone in that it kills time and it can also help me deal with my problem, and who knows, I might even help someone else. Whatever you do, keep postin, were always here to listen!

Dee74

good to see you back withoutatrace

there's always ppl to talk to here - if you want the chat room the link is on the right hand side of the big blue toolbar that runs across the top of every page

D

Josiegirl

withoutatrace- Im sure you found it now. But the chat room link is on the top right of the page. In the blue bar....

MycoolFitz

I'm 7 months and 65 years old so you've got a head start. I get lonely too but drugs and alcohol were false companions. You do it

omegasupreme

Well done on the fifth!

Looks like some unfinished business in the fear inventory though, yanno, around that fear of being alone. That being said...Why do you have this fear?

withoutatrace

I did put that on my fears in my 4th. I just feel empty and worthless when I'm alone

withoutatrace

I don't know if I should tell on my friend for me being suspicious of her relapsing. I don't want to cause drama in my community but I feel like it's the right thing, even though I'm losing a friend

omegasupreme

Unless asked, I wouldn't think it would do any good to mention suspicions. I tend to do better when I focus on how to improve my recovery than when I am looking at what others are not doing.

Being alone=emotional pain...I am with ya sister. And why do I fear emotional pain? Because if I sit in enough emotional pain I fear I will drink right? And I fear drinking because for me to drink is to die right? And I fear dying because I fear the unknown right? And I fear the unknown because I don't know what it is right? I fear that because I fear that maybe there is no God right?

I fear there is no God so I repeatedly trust self-reliance even though I
fear self-reliance fails me. being alone> emotional pain> drinking> dying>
the unknown> no God>self relience fails me.

So, through this nifty fear inventory I get to see that all my fears of being alone are actually rooted in a trail of fears that boil down to me fearing self reliance will fail me. And why do I fear that??? Because self reliance always did fail me or I wouldn't be here would I? And then I get to see once again how much I desperately need God and this process.

Peace

zbear23

My willingness to change and my progress in doing that is always marked by the awareness that somethings not working...In the BB. Paul O (acceptance is the way) says that whenever something is "wrong" in his life, he needs to look within rather than blaming what's on the outside. Focusing on the insanity of others can be a way for me to deny my own. ,One of my favorite recovery sayings is, "if you spot it, you got it."

An important realization for me was when I finally understood that it wasn't about associating with insane people. I believe that everyone shares insanity to some degree. But I needed to be with people who are insane like me...who think and feel and act as I do, and have blazed a trail for me to follow. I think that recovery most often depends on one drunk helping another.

I've got an old friend who likes say,"if you're having a bad day, ask yourself what you can do for someone else." Helping others is central to my spiritual health and success in recovery. I usually have to get off the pity pot in order to help others.

At six months sober, I mentioned to my sponsor that I thought I'd miss the validation (and pride) that went along with picking up chips for various lengths of timel I'd have to wait three months until I had nine months sober. He told me to be aware of newcomers (people picking up newcomer chips) at meetings, and then try to welcome at least one of them by sharing my own experience, strength and hope. Helping others works. How do you think those pioneers of AA stayed sober, besides praying and doing stepwork??? They "sponsored" each other and as often as not, had six months or less of continuous sobriety. The drunk with a week sober has something to offer the one with only one day.

blessings
zb

Anna

It's hard losing friends and starting over, but you know you're on the right track.

Congratulations on your 7 months sober.

Threshold

I need to leave for work and don't have time for a good response other than to say I went through a very similar thing right after my 5th.

I am lonely too, in both my mind and in reality, far separated from some key people in my life.

In recovery we learn not to simply react to our feelings. To sit with them, accept them, talk about them, and decide if something needs to be done in response to them, but not to just freak out and blow them away.

so, keep on keeping on, and it will get better. Move onto six, don't lose site of the path. Things feel really bad sometimes, but the feelings alone, though they seem overpowering, won't harm us.

sugarbear1

Don't stop on the steps, get to 6 + 7 + 8 + 9....practice 10 + 11 + 12 daily. Help a newcomer!