the only person you can change is yourself
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 25
the only person you can change is yourself
I always told myself if I was able to move on from my alcoholic ex I would come back and post because I used to read this board every night for inspiration and reassurance that I wasn't going crazy. The good news is I think that my time has come to share my story and hope that it can help at least one person out there who thinks they can't make it through.
Just a quick summary of my situation...my ex and I had known each other for years, work together, and I thought we had a pretty serious relationship that was leading toward marriage. He liked to drink and I didn't realize the extent of his drinking or how it affected me. I ended up getting pregnant and miscarrying and he went out and drank tons, didn't support me emotionally or financially (and he makes double what I do and medical bills add up and in my opinion we were both responsible) through that, but I still thought he was the best I could get because when he wasn't drinking he was different (like they all are). I thought maybe I could be the one to get him to change because he should want what I want, kids and a family...didn't he realize how much I took care of him and never pressured him to quit drinking or treat me better?
I broke up with him when he got wasted and I tried to get him to leave the bar and he went off on me basically telling me he never loved me, used me, etc. After about 3 weeks he asked me to get back together and it seemed like he was different but he was just hiding it and I was ignoring the signs. He ended up driving himself to the bar one night we were supposed to hang out so he could drink alone. He had no recollection of how he got there and was verbally abusive again so I ended it. We still "hung out" which basically involved me going from girlfriend to friend with benefits status but I still thought he would change.
The low point was probably when he lost control of his bowels and pooped his pants when he woke up at like 3 am and couldn't figure out where the bathroom was. I know it sounds funny/gross but it was heartbreaking for me to have to guide him to the bathroom so he could use the toliet. I can kinda understand throwing up accidently but the losing bowel control thing just made me realize the extent of his issues and honestly it made me want to take care of him even more....I felt needed and thought I could help him change, this had to be rock bottom, right?
The person who changed was me, not him. My first step was posting here, then reading CoDependent No More and Women Who Love Too Much. I tried so hard to stick with no contact and I just could not do it. I found out my work had an employee assistance program that offered free counseling sessions so I met with someone every other week to discuss my situation. I never thought I would see a shrink, I had gone through a lot of breakups before with more serious relationships but this one was awful because I could not understand why he was rejecting me and why he wouldn't just stop drinking, shape up and get his act together.
I pretty much had to stop drinking and block his phone from calling and sending me texts. I also pampered myself with a spa day and got a makeover and changed up my hair color which was a confidence booster and physical proof I was moving on. I threw myself into work and had a friend I called everytime I wanted to call/text him. I also got some anxiety meds to help because I was constantly worrying about him drinking or thinking what if he was out having fun and hooking up with some other girl and I'm sitting home crying my eyes out. I finally got to the point where I forced myself to make plans, even if it was just going to the gym or starbucks.
It's been three weeks since I've seen him and every day has gotten a little easier. In the beginning I could barely get out of bed and cried a lot, going to work was rough because I felt like I might see him at any minute. Today he contacted me at work and I was dumb and responded. I learned from a mutual friend he's been seeing someone else but he was still trying to "hang out" with me and making inappropriate comments. He's still going out drinking every night and has run his car in a ditch driving home from the bar. The conversation was hard on me and I ended up telling him that unless he needs to talk to me for work I don't want to hear from him because I'm finally happy and talking to him makes me sad and brings back the past. It does hurt that he's moved on but obviously he hasn't changed and now she can deal with his drinking and cheating.
My therapist told me not to feel rejected, which was my biggest issue, but feel powerful because I am the one that CHOSE to change and it's my choice to move on. He was offering me the best relationship he could offer and I realized I deserved more and chose to go through the hurt and make room for someone better and more importantly focus on ME and getting myself happy again. My therapist had me do a couple activities that really helped, one was to write my goals for the future and then picture how dating an alcoholic would impact them. I also wrote a goodbye letter that I will never send that helped a ton, basically saying goodbye to the good times, goodbye to the bad times and goodbye to the future we will never have.
So that's my story and I guess the summary is it is going to be hard and you will make mistakes but don't be afraid to get help and realize some things really have to hurt in the short term to prevent long term pain. Lean on your friends and find something to focus on like being more healthy, working out, or reading. Stay away from places you'll run into him and honestly as hard as no contact is it does get easier over time. Let yourself feel the emotions and don't be afraid to cry or blast sad country songs on the radio. And most of all know it's not your fault and you can't change anyone except yourself. I know I'm lucky I don't have kids and don't have to deal with long drawn out divorce proceedings but maybe some of the tips can help others......or at least give you some hope that it can get better
Just a quick summary of my situation...my ex and I had known each other for years, work together, and I thought we had a pretty serious relationship that was leading toward marriage. He liked to drink and I didn't realize the extent of his drinking or how it affected me. I ended up getting pregnant and miscarrying and he went out and drank tons, didn't support me emotionally or financially (and he makes double what I do and medical bills add up and in my opinion we were both responsible) through that, but I still thought he was the best I could get because when he wasn't drinking he was different (like they all are). I thought maybe I could be the one to get him to change because he should want what I want, kids and a family...didn't he realize how much I took care of him and never pressured him to quit drinking or treat me better?
I broke up with him when he got wasted and I tried to get him to leave the bar and he went off on me basically telling me he never loved me, used me, etc. After about 3 weeks he asked me to get back together and it seemed like he was different but he was just hiding it and I was ignoring the signs. He ended up driving himself to the bar one night we were supposed to hang out so he could drink alone. He had no recollection of how he got there and was verbally abusive again so I ended it. We still "hung out" which basically involved me going from girlfriend to friend with benefits status but I still thought he would change.
The low point was probably when he lost control of his bowels and pooped his pants when he woke up at like 3 am and couldn't figure out where the bathroom was. I know it sounds funny/gross but it was heartbreaking for me to have to guide him to the bathroom so he could use the toliet. I can kinda understand throwing up accidently but the losing bowel control thing just made me realize the extent of his issues and honestly it made me want to take care of him even more....I felt needed and thought I could help him change, this had to be rock bottom, right?
The person who changed was me, not him. My first step was posting here, then reading CoDependent No More and Women Who Love Too Much. I tried so hard to stick with no contact and I just could not do it. I found out my work had an employee assistance program that offered free counseling sessions so I met with someone every other week to discuss my situation. I never thought I would see a shrink, I had gone through a lot of breakups before with more serious relationships but this one was awful because I could not understand why he was rejecting me and why he wouldn't just stop drinking, shape up and get his act together.
I pretty much had to stop drinking and block his phone from calling and sending me texts. I also pampered myself with a spa day and got a makeover and changed up my hair color which was a confidence booster and physical proof I was moving on. I threw myself into work and had a friend I called everytime I wanted to call/text him. I also got some anxiety meds to help because I was constantly worrying about him drinking or thinking what if he was out having fun and hooking up with some other girl and I'm sitting home crying my eyes out. I finally got to the point where I forced myself to make plans, even if it was just going to the gym or starbucks.
It's been three weeks since I've seen him and every day has gotten a little easier. In the beginning I could barely get out of bed and cried a lot, going to work was rough because I felt like I might see him at any minute. Today he contacted me at work and I was dumb and responded. I learned from a mutual friend he's been seeing someone else but he was still trying to "hang out" with me and making inappropriate comments. He's still going out drinking every night and has run his car in a ditch driving home from the bar. The conversation was hard on me and I ended up telling him that unless he needs to talk to me for work I don't want to hear from him because I'm finally happy and talking to him makes me sad and brings back the past. It does hurt that he's moved on but obviously he hasn't changed and now she can deal with his drinking and cheating.
My therapist told me not to feel rejected, which was my biggest issue, but feel powerful because I am the one that CHOSE to change and it's my choice to move on. He was offering me the best relationship he could offer and I realized I deserved more and chose to go through the hurt and make room for someone better and more importantly focus on ME and getting myself happy again. My therapist had me do a couple activities that really helped, one was to write my goals for the future and then picture how dating an alcoholic would impact them. I also wrote a goodbye letter that I will never send that helped a ton, basically saying goodbye to the good times, goodbye to the bad times and goodbye to the future we will never have.
So that's my story and I guess the summary is it is going to be hard and you will make mistakes but don't be afraid to get help and realize some things really have to hurt in the short term to prevent long term pain. Lean on your friends and find something to focus on like being more healthy, working out, or reading. Stay away from places you'll run into him and honestly as hard as no contact is it does get easier over time. Let yourself feel the emotions and don't be afraid to cry or blast sad country songs on the radio. And most of all know it's not your fault and you can't change anyone except yourself. I know I'm lucky I don't have kids and don't have to deal with long drawn out divorce proceedings but maybe some of the tips can help others......or at least give you some hope that it can get better
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Wow reading your story gave me a confidence boost. Like you it's been 3 weeks since ending it with my RExAB..the R for recovery is questionable. I haven't seen him in 3 weeks and haven't wanted to. I e spoken to him twice on the phone in weak moments. He is sending me lots of sweet texts (all part of the cycle that we know too well) and emails...for some reason I keep reading them and sometimes reply with a thanks. Not sure why I know I don't want to see him and I know being involved with him romantically is a bad idea as he is still mean, selfish, and unpredictable without the alcohol (kinda leaving me to believe he's still using while going to AA but who knows).
Like you I was with him on this roller coaster ride for 2 years. I never let him move in and like you I have no kids. But I did think he was "the one" and boy was I fooled. The person I fell for doesn't exist and I have to completely key go of this "person."
Like you I was with him on this roller coaster ride for 2 years. I never let him move in and like you I have no kids. But I did think he was "the one" and boy was I fooled. The person I fell for doesn't exist and I have to completely key go of this "person."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Wow! Thanks for sharing this. I am sure there are members and lurkers who will find strength in your story and possibly make some big changes in their own lives.
Amazing how when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.
Amazing how when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
So happy you posted this to help others. You are carrying the message of recovery and it makes a difference.
Your story shows how much power over us the addicts can have, how our minds just become crippled with confusion. Over time with an abusive addict, we become weaker and weaker. We become easy prey for an addict who inflates himself by destroying us.
You were so broken that you sought help. It was just what you needed to do because, alone, you were just too decimated by abuse.
Wishing you continuing strength to stay away from him and surround yourself with protective angels.
Your story shows how much power over us the addicts can have, how our minds just become crippled with confusion. Over time with an abusive addict, we become weaker and weaker. We become easy prey for an addict who inflates himself by destroying us.
You were so broken that you sought help. It was just what you needed to do because, alone, you were just too decimated by abuse.
Wishing you continuing strength to stay away from him and surround yourself with protective angels.
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