quetzal

After my AH EXBF decided to binge and destroy us... 6 weeks ago, we have rarely spoken. Tonight I am supposed to meet with him to give him tax documents that I have. We spoke on the phone minutes ago and he sounded depressed and unhappy as usual. I recognize this but knowing that we are meeting in a few hours is giving me anxiety. I have anger that I feel. I am angry for the fact that I am supposed to act as if everything is over between him. He seems so rigid and cold, as if nothing mattered. I have to remember that It's not about me (which right now hurts to realize). I am much better off, I keep telling myself this but my codie-ness is getting the best of me.I feel unloved and unappreciated, I know I am having unreal expectations of what he can give me. I can't see past it right now, can someone give me a reality check please.... Im still so dissappointed and mourning the loss

FindingJoy

Hi first deep breath and I'm so happy you reached out. We are all here for each other.
Yes you are right the Codie is out and thriving. Your ex much like my RExAB when he didn't get his way or wanted to get a reaction out of me would cut him self off and be cold like he felt nothing and I didn't matter. If you read though many of the posts you will see this is very common addict behavior in an attempt to control us Codie's. Guess what it has worked the last 1000th time so we taught them that it works.
I know it's damn hard and if you HAVE to see him create a mantra to keep repeating g in your mind until your back in your car. Don't engage. He's going to see that you aren't responding to his aloof personality tactic and will probably start pushing your buttons in other ways.

Do you REALLY have to see him or speak to him? Can you have leave those documents somewhere for him to pick up? Or is there a part of you who kinda does want to see him?

quetzal

I've been wanting to see him for weeks, but I know that he's not healthy and the kind of conversation that I seek he cannot provide. I've been able to have mature conversations with other mates, and I know that this is no possible with this one. I'm packing more things that I found and am crying because I know this is more separation and will pull us further a part. I told him about my day and when he shared he was so sad and negative. Said all he does is sleep when he comes home. That he's burned out from the new school year... I don't need that either. I just miss other silly things. Just trying to change my energy before I have to go.

quetzal

FindingJoy - This is so hard... I know I'll be okay. I just don't understand why things have to be this way. I was so ZEN this last week, I know I should see him for my own closure, whether it be painful or not. I kept my distance and avoided this for weeks...

FindingJoy

I know this is all so hard...its because we love so much and don't get how they don't want this amazing life and person that's in front of them.

Some days I'm very happy, some days I'm "zen" like you said, some days I'm angry, some sad, some very pissed and so on...I guess this is why they say in Al-non "one day at a time."

I'm here online if you want to post how it goes.

Make it about you for once not about him. You deserve it.

quetzal

On my way in a few, Thank you...your words are so true, staying collected now. Talked and wrote it out. I will be the happy fun loving me that I always have been. I miss him and love him. Hope for nothing but the best my energy will stay the same.... I want to see him and hug him and spend time. That is all I can have now, just today. I will write to update as I know I will have things to process.

Thank you

FindingJoy

OK...Yup be the beautiful amazing person that you are and try your best to not let anyone take your light away :-)

quetzal

I really don't know what to say. Alcoholism is a nasty disease that took my boyfriend away long before I knew him. It took my father away long before I knew him. Tonight he just cried and that's all. We kissed and hugged and he cried. I'm not sure what I'll do, he has hurt me and will again, there is no doubt in my mind. I have to wait and see how I feel..let things process in my mind. I still saw him as the one that I did want, do I now? I know what I don't want... I love myself

tjp613

The burning question is: Can you accept and love him just as he is TODAY with no expectations or hope that he will change in some way? If the answer is yes, then go and be with him if that is the life you choose. If the answer is no, then you are not centered in reality and are clinging to fantasy when you think of staying in the relationship.

Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance.

It's very natural to have good, clear days and very muddy, ugly ones. Be gentle with yourself and just try to do the next right thing. How are you feeling today?

quetzal

Thank you tjp61... yes yes al-anon and my many co-dependy reading nights has allowed me to see that in it's truest forms. Yes I accept him for who he is now, I need to know myself more now. I realized how much I have leaned on others and given so much away, thinking that others could define me and make me feel whole. I am the only one that can make me 100% me. He has to work on myself and I have to work on me. Last night was lovely and I took in every moment of it knowing that it was just a moment in time. Nothing more and nothing less. I feel good and free. I love him no matter what and unconditionally. I am grateful for learning this with him, I am very blessed.

Ellensburg

quetzel,
good for you... It is so hard to feel so much in a 24 hour period... You sound calm though, that's good. It sounds like you were strong but honest. Good for you. Just remember, your recovery comes first. This journey, at least for now, is about you.

quetzal

Ellensburg, So true and up to now have been very focused the last few days thinking of me. Scary when the codie in me comes out, tonight I found myself imagining the future with him...AGAIN!!!! UGhh...

That night was confusing full of much emotion, he was sobbing for much of the night, I was so calm and even numb to it. I guess I wanted to see how I would feel with him, seeing I hadn't been in his presence for so long. We fell back into our girlfriend and boyfriend rolls, him calling me BABE...and you know etc... It felt natural, but I know that we were locked in time since we had never had closure from the break up. Tonight, I started to OVERTHINK, luckily I pulled myself away from it and getting ready to head out to see friends. I guess I just worry about the future, but why go there... There is no point, one day at a time, I am looking forward to my Monday Al-Anon... So tough this is, we were so close that night, Im afraid of that again, especially since we are no longer together.... I really have to let it go, I know. Thank you for your support, it means so much.

wicked

quetzal,

thank you for sharing this part of your journey. it gives me strength.

Beth

Ellensburg

Yes, Quetzal, It is difficult for me also to not think about the good things about the relationship. The intimacy especially. But I have to keep reminding myself it was so terrrrrribly inconsistent that i couldn't rely on him and started to worry all the time that he would leave me. What kind of relationship is that? YUCK. I find that my mind plays tricks on me and I drift off into thinking about good memories. Why does the brain always go there??? I guess it is because we are LITERALLY trying to "feel" better... or well. But this makes detaching so hard. I believe it is all psychological and we can certainly control it.

INteresting, last night, I went out and had a tearful moment in the bathroom when my friends new-ish boyfriend abandoned her at the bar... we went looking all over for him. I surprised myself at how angry I was! Then I went in the stall and cried privately for a minute, because that is exactly what my Ex would have done to me if he had been drunk enough. ( yes as you can guess, 2 hours later when we caught up with him, he was done with whatever he was doing (punishing her?) and she got in the car and went to talk to him... at 2a.m!!! I wanted to chain her to the kitchen counter! haha! ... Wish I could have told her my story. Being codependent and behaving so desperately is a dignity killer. She is on the road to heart break and misery. So easy to see when you step on the outside/away from it. Ya know? I am so looking forward to being a few weeks out from this "pining" I am doing for him. I keep trying to visualize him yelling at me when I have moments of "pining." UGH.

FindingJoy

I find that my mind plays tricks on me and I drift off into thinking about good memories. Why does the brain always go there??? I guess it is because we are LITERALLY trying to "feel" better... or well. But this makes detaching so hard. I believe it is all psychological and we can certainly control it.

WOW what you wrote above really hit home for me. That is a great question why after not seeing him for 3 weeks am I starting to think about all of the good times and actually missing him. I literally have to slap my self (in a loving way) like come back to reality here...heeelllooo..

What helped me last night is I asked my self, "how many of those good times or nice behaviors were as a result of him trying to get back into my good graces after doing something terribly wrong?"

The answer for me...most of his super sweet unselfish (appearing to be) behavior was to lure me in at the beginning or to manipulate me into letting him my into my heart/life again.
Sooo...none of this is REAL...except that is was REALly manipulative.

Something to think about...

quetzal

Yes so true and the "PUNISHING" hits home for me as well. He loves to use that and say things like "Oh well I guess we're not going to ...... since you ....." as If I am the one playing games. I'm really trying not to look to far ahead but I am nervous to face those moments. I know I'll be ready to set my boundries. He hasn't said he's going to AA (not that I've asked) as I know that it's really none of my business. I just know if I see him again and we are "LOVEY DOVEY" it will only further complicate our relationship. I have already said to him that I will NEVER drink with him again, and I meant it with all my heart. I also wrote him and said that I will not be with him unless he gets proper treatment. This last night with him, I told him I missed him and that I still wanted him. He said that he didn't deserve me and that he needs to be a better man and work on himself. I agreed and I truly do, What bums me out though is that after stating this to me, he didn't say what he was doing to make this happen. So I guess there is my answer... It's so hard not to see what clearly isn't there... He cannot be that, anything that I want he cannot be and I need to keep reminding myself. When I am with him if feels so nice, but I haven't seen him in 6 weeks and I guess everything is rosy after THE STORM...