Beautiful Piece on Why We Stay
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Beautiful Piece on Why We Stay
I found this on a another forum and it made me cry. It's about abusive relationships but most everything is applicable to relationships with A's.
Re: I want to leave him but I keep staying.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
First of all, please do not feel ashamed or guilty for staying with him. We DO understand. More women than you can imagine have been in abusive relationships and stayed in them, and hated ourselves for doing so.
You sound as if you recognise now, that your husband is a master manipulator, that the man you loved doesn't exist - he never existed, he was a fabrication that your husband used to manipulate you into loving him. You also sound as if you know that this isn't your fault, your husband IS sick. You are NOT making him be this way.
Your husband went through abuse and violence in his life, and in so many cases people who are abused then abuse others. He is projecting his self-hatred onto you, blaming you for his actions because he cannot stand what he is and how he behaves. But this doesn't mean he will stop - and you know this.
He's threatened to kill you. This is not about you standing by your man. Even if you were absolutely perfect in every way, his demands would simply become something more unreasonable, something more impossible, because he wants you to fail so he feels justified in his rage and violence. There is no way to please him. There is no way to fix him or heal him. You tried to get him help and he shut it down, he is only using your desire to help him against you, now, to manipulate you into staying with him.
He isn't going to get well like this. It's clear he isn't going to get help, you must recognise his pattern of behaviour now. He will only be as sorry as he has to be to make you forget about leaving him again, and then it will go back to the abuse. Staying with him ISN'T helping him, because while you're there he has no intention of getting help. Why should he? He doesn't care about hurting you, he only cares about keeping you and controlling you. As long as he has you, he has no reason to try and get better and face his own self-hatred.
I urge you to find a women's shelter in your area and go. Tell your doctor, tell your friends, or family. Don't make an elaborate plan and let your nerve fail or let yourself be talked out of it. Just find somewhere to go and then go. You said you're smart, you're strong, you have a job, you have a family. You would be successful without him. You don't need him.
He is never going to get better and he's never going to stop as long as you're with him. You said yourself that he's sucking and draining the energy from you, ruining your life, making you hate yourself. This is what people like him do. There's nothing you can do to make him stop. This isn't your fault, it's not about you, it's about him and who he is. There simply isn't anyone who could give him what he needs, make him happy enough that he didn't turn violent and abusive. He needs therapy and help but he doesn't want it, and he isn't going to get it as long as he has what he wants - you.
Delaying is only putting yourself, your LIFE, in danger, and you know this. Even if you think he wouldn't kill you, isn't really capable of it, you must consider the possibility of him doing it by accident. He clearly loses control easily, and he has such rage because he's blaming you (unjustly of course) for all of the things he hates about himself. Please don't underestimate the power of that rage.
All I can do is tell you that you are a wonderful, loving, caring, sacrificing woman and wife, and that you do not deserve this. No one deserves this. You don't need him and you don't have to stay with him, and since he will never get help while he has everything he wants, you are not helping him by staying, you're only hurting yourself and putting your life in danger. You are worth so much more than this.
If you find a women's shelter, I promise people will believe you, will understand, will want to help you. No one will blame you for staying with him. You haven't done ANYTHING wrong. All you've done is love someone and try to help them and make them happy, but you need to face the fact - and I think you do know it - that there is nothing you or anyone can do to make him happy. It isn't your fault, he was damaged long before you met him, but just because he was abused does not mean you have to let him abuse you.
By, AnxiousAna http://www.psychforums.com/anxiousana-u69437
Re: I want to leave him but I keep staying.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
First of all, please do not feel ashamed or guilty for staying with him. We DO understand. More women than you can imagine have been in abusive relationships and stayed in them, and hated ourselves for doing so.
You sound as if you recognise now, that your husband is a master manipulator, that the man you loved doesn't exist - he never existed, he was a fabrication that your husband used to manipulate you into loving him. You also sound as if you know that this isn't your fault, your husband IS sick. You are NOT making him be this way.
Your husband went through abuse and violence in his life, and in so many cases people who are abused then abuse others. He is projecting his self-hatred onto you, blaming you for his actions because he cannot stand what he is and how he behaves. But this doesn't mean he will stop - and you know this.
He's threatened to kill you. This is not about you standing by your man. Even if you were absolutely perfect in every way, his demands would simply become something more unreasonable, something more impossible, because he wants you to fail so he feels justified in his rage and violence. There is no way to please him. There is no way to fix him or heal him. You tried to get him help and he shut it down, he is only using your desire to help him against you, now, to manipulate you into staying with him.
He isn't going to get well like this. It's clear he isn't going to get help, you must recognise his pattern of behaviour now. He will only be as sorry as he has to be to make you forget about leaving him again, and then it will go back to the abuse. Staying with him ISN'T helping him, because while you're there he has no intention of getting help. Why should he? He doesn't care about hurting you, he only cares about keeping you and controlling you. As long as he has you, he has no reason to try and get better and face his own self-hatred.
I urge you to find a women's shelter in your area and go. Tell your doctor, tell your friends, or family. Don't make an elaborate plan and let your nerve fail or let yourself be talked out of it. Just find somewhere to go and then go. You said you're smart, you're strong, you have a job, you have a family. You would be successful without him. You don't need him.
He is never going to get better and he's never going to stop as long as you're with him. You said yourself that he's sucking and draining the energy from you, ruining your life, making you hate yourself. This is what people like him do. There's nothing you can do to make him stop. This isn't your fault, it's not about you, it's about him and who he is. There simply isn't anyone who could give him what he needs, make him happy enough that he didn't turn violent and abusive. He needs therapy and help but he doesn't want it, and he isn't going to get it as long as he has what he wants - you.
Delaying is only putting yourself, your LIFE, in danger, and you know this. Even if you think he wouldn't kill you, isn't really capable of it, you must consider the possibility of him doing it by accident. He clearly loses control easily, and he has such rage because he's blaming you (unjustly of course) for all of the things he hates about himself. Please don't underestimate the power of that rage.
All I can do is tell you that you are a wonderful, loving, caring, sacrificing woman and wife, and that you do not deserve this. No one deserves this. You don't need him and you don't have to stay with him, and since he will never get help while he has everything he wants, you are not helping him by staying, you're only hurting yourself and putting your life in danger. You are worth so much more than this.
If you find a women's shelter, I promise people will believe you, will understand, will want to help you. No one will blame you for staying with him. You haven't done ANYTHING wrong. All you've done is love someone and try to help them and make them happy, but you need to face the fact - and I think you do know it - that there is nothing you or anyone can do to make him happy. It isn't your fault, he was damaged long before you met him, but just because he was abused does not mean you have to let him abuse you.
By, AnxiousAna http://www.psychforums.com/anxiousana-u69437
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