zoso77

I come home from work, and in my door she left my house key, a CD I gave her of my former band's music, and the ring I gave her for her birthday last year.

It's not enough for her to do what she did. It's not enough to take pleasure in it. She has to make a special trip to my house and twist the knife.

I just don't get it. I took her in, supported her through a detox, an overdose, seemingly endless episodes of suicidal ideation, irrational emotional outbursts...and yet she's making every conceivable effort to hurt me. What did I do wrong in all of this?

Freedom1990

I know it feels personal, but it isn't. It's obvious she has some serious issues she has not resolved. It seems to me she's trying to be quite the drama queen in doing what she did today.

You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why. Accept that she does not act like a rational, compassionate human being, and then let it go.

You will heal with time.

outtolunch

Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness. There are common relationship patterns and what you have experienced seems to fit the pattern.
As Freedom said, this is not personal. We can all understand it feels that way, right now.

zoso77

...I know. I've read about it. I know it to be true. But to see it up close and personal...

You don't fight anger with anger. You don't fight hate with hate.

You can only fight those with love.

So, just as I did last night and the night before that, I'm going to pray to God and ask Him to protect her.

zoso77

Thank you for your kindness.

ElegantlyWasted

Sounds like negative/histrionic attention seeking. Have had similar episodes and feel for you my brother. To echo some of the above posts; try not to let it affect you. How do we draw the line between Borderline and insecurities exacerbated by substance abuse? Are we sure its borderline or is this symptomatic of usual recovery?

zoso77

She's dual diagnosis: addiction and BPD. In a way, I agree with you because the addiction and the BPD have a lot of overlap in terms of the behaviors. But in this instance, she's splitting.

I haven't reacted, nor will I.

Kindeyes

Well it sounds like you have a very good attitude toward her strange and toxic behavior. It is puzzling and it seems that she's looking for a reaction and you aren't playing into it. Good for you! That is some great self care.

You have a kind and compassionate heart. You deserve someone who will cherish you for it.

gentle hugs
ke

zoso77

I very much appreciate your kind words.

I do have compassion for her, mostly because she's ill and she's got to be in a very dark frame of mind when she's intentionally trying to hurt people. I don't think any of us are innocent when it comes to lashing out, or saying hurtful things. To me, though, this is different because:

* the manner of which she ended it
* the sadistic delight she took in it
* she still feels the need to twist the knife

It's hurtful. It's sad. But I'd rather be in my shoes than hers.

suki44883

It sound like you know all the right things to do, but you are still dwelling on her actions. Yes, she is sick, and yes the way she ended things and continues to act is sad, but it's just what people with her illness do. How about not letting her continue to live rent-free in your head. Find things to do to take your mind off her and put it back on what is beneficial to you and you own well-being.

tjp613

I can tell you exactly why she did that. It's not about "twisting the knife" in the usual sense...her ultimate objective is not to hurt you. Her ultimate objective is to get a reaction from you!! She would be very gratified if you would fly into a tizzie -- ANY kind of tizzie -- to demonstrate how much you CARE that she is gone. She is looking for validation of her existence. You are not reacting at all, which says to her that you don't care at all one way or the other. THAT must feel like absolute crap to her.

She's spinning out of control for sure...just be glad you're not in the middle of it. Do NOT get sucked in or it may take weeks to get back out.

That's my $0.02.

zoso77

Wow...that's a twist I didn't consider. I mean...

She breaks up via text message, attaches a picture of her and the new, gleefully admits to sleeping with (at least) two other men when she was with me, makes a dramatic show of returning the most precious thing I've ever bought her...and somehow it's all about her trying to get a rise out of me to show her I care that she's gone.

Six months ago, I'd balk at this reasoning. And then I started reading about BPD...my guess is you're dead on the mark.

I'll show that I'm hurt to my friends. I'll write about being hurt here. But she'll never know what I'm thinking or feeling.

Tonight's topic at my meeting was about detachment. And when I shared, I said that you best be prepared for what happens when you detach from your qualifier. Things may not go the way you thought they would. And right now, I'm detached in the sense where I no longer wish to have anything to do with her, but I pray to God to look after her. Pick a reason -- addiction, BPD -- it doesn't matter. She's in God's hands. I want nothing to do with her whatsoever.