MadamX

1 am and can't sleep. Was doing so well and totally screwed up over the Holidays. Its been Binge drinking ever since, sometimes for days at a time, 3 days off then the weekend comes and I start again. What's wrong with me, I know what its doing to me health wise and how its damaging my relationship but yet I'm still doing it.

I truly am the designer of my ownn Catastrophe... I've done this to myself. Its gotten so bad that Ill drive to liquor stores outside of my town sometimes so I don't get the "You Again" look at the stores by my house. I'm so ashamed. My bf is frustrated and I feel is going to give up on me. I pray he doesn't because Ill really lose it. We watch Intervention on A&E All the time and this week they had this alcoholic woman (I forgot her name) but he turns to me and says "how does watching this not make you want to stop?" ... It should, shouldn't it? I make excuses downplaying it and convincing myself its not that bad because I can hold a job, be a parent and wife, function normally... But "Normal" people don't drink like I do. Half of pint of JackD or Tequila plus a small bottle of wine a day for days straight isn't normal and I know it. I MUST stop now. I am still young and by the grace of god the booze hasn't irreparably damaged me yet.

Well I just needed to vent, I don't to anyone in my life about my drinking except my bf and he does listenn but doesn't fully relate as he's not an addict. I'm on day 3 again and other than some Vertigo I've managed to not have such bad withdrawals. Wishing everyone in my shoes a successful, healthy and sober 2012. The success stories really give me hope.

Terminally Unique

I will tell you something that few people will. No matter how many times you have previously "failed," no matter how many treatment programs you have been through, and no matter what else you have tried unsuccessfully, you are perfectly capable of turning things around.

All too often, though, we get bogged down by passivity and procrastination, which only fuels our addiction. If you keep doing what you've been doing, you will likely keep getting what you've been getting, or worse. So, why don't you tell us something that you haven't told us? What is your present plan for turning things around, MadamX?

pangur

Yup, it's taken me years to get to the same way of thinking as TU, you know what to do, start your big plan, it's the only way of breaking the chains.

MadamX

You are absolutely right Unique. Thanks for reading. My plan right now is to completely avoid any situation where there is alcohol and avoid the liquor store routes.. Take full responsibility and stop the self pitty. I often dwell on the reason I even began drinking but It was years ago and not an excuse to continue this self destruction. In social situations its so hard for me to say No. And for me I can quit for periods of time and be strong but it only takes one sip and it reignites the pattern.

In the past I've been against AA for fear of being recognized But I'm considering giving it a try this time. I'm really sick and tired of losing precious time in my life cause I wasted it sleeping it away or not remembering cause I've blacked out. What once was a fun thing to do socially has spiraled out of control and I'm really going to give it my all to get myself back. I am stronger than this.

Terminally Unique

MadamX,

In spite of your indication that you can't go on this way, and a desire to take full responsibility, there is nevertheless one extremely important question that you have not addressed: Are you going to drink again in this lifetime, or are you not?

(you need not answer me, BTW, but do consider the question)

llastchance8

MadamX,

You are on the right track. The moment you said " I truly am the designer of my own Catastrophe " you have won half the battle already.

So the question now is what triggers the drinking ? If you drink again because of your own desire to drink then you will be making the current Catastrophe, worst. That means , you would be forgetting the statement you just made.

If some external situation becomes trigger for your drinking again, then the same truth applies because ultimately you will be fooling yourselves that you are drinking because of external circumstances like : I need to drink because it rained today or it did not rain today or it did not rain enough or it rained too much !!!!!!

So in either case, it is you who will decide not to drink and the same you will be now designer of your bright future, healthy life and happy relationship with your bf.. I am sure you want to be that designer and not the designer of Catastrophe...

We wish you all the best and you can rely on SR for any support you need.

Sapling

It's funny that you would drive out of town not to be recognized by the guy at the liquor store to buy booze...I guess it comes down to what are you willing to do to stop for good...How important is it to you to get off this trainwreck you are on and change your life? You have nothing to fear about a program full of people that only want to see you get better...And will do anything they can to help you get there. You have to try something...I can only speak of what has worked for me. AA. I was Powerless...Now I have Power. Now I know what living without alcohol is all about....And I like it.

langkah

It's a positive to have a non-alcoholic around, though they can't get their heads around what it's like for us. We can appreciate the differences between us using them as contrast to ourselves. And they often act as a brake on our behavior as well as a steadying force and occasionally as a whipping post when we're out of our minds. Takes a special kind of person to stick around us longterm, and unfortunately for us, all but the most needy do have their limits.

If you know you can't stop and are willing to do a bunch of things you'll not understand or want to do in the least, then AA's a great place to get sober. If you're not at that point then it's a waste of time and you can instead try a slew of other things over the coming years. Getting started soon might benefit your relationship in that he will believe you are at least really trying very hard, and he may unknowingly take on some personal guilt for not supporting you in an effective way. That takes a lot of heat off of us, but can make our partners a little crazy.

A good start is to decide very firmly not to ever-ever drink again, and let him see you reading one self-help cure book after another. That means of course you'll have to not drink at all for as long as you can stand that, and you thereafter have the identity of 'The One with the Drinking Problem'. Not that you would see it that way, but he will.

Just the bare beginnings of what will be a very long road. Unfortunately it's what your drinking to this point has called for. Chickens home to roost, and all that.

You'll feel great after some weeks have passed without a drink. On top of things.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Madam X

D

Fandy

the title of your thread caught my eye. I felt a lot like you did and I drank a lot like you do. (I don't do AA, it's just not for me at this time, IDK, maybe i will need it later).

i just want to tell you that you may think you have it together with work and your relationship, but the red flags are up and flying. it's going to get worse than you can imagine if you don't stop. the bottle of Jack, wine and tequila will destroy you and everyone around you. it will steal your self-esteem, your looks and in my case 50% of my hair..(it took over14 months to grow back, i'm female) i see you're in NJ too, so you know how important hair is :rotfxko

Terminally Unique

It might appear on the surface that shows like Intervention provide motivation to quit, but there are two parties, or personas, with regard to your addiction. As you've already noticed, the persona that wants to keep on drinking can find plenty of justification to do so in that show.

2granddaughters

I suggest giving AA a try, if you don't like it (and you won't at first) you can leave anytime.

I wish you the best.

Bob R.

ownmybehavior

The title of this thread caught my eye too. I think that identifying your weakness and wanting to quit is indeed the biggest hurdle.

I am on day 8 trying to determine the source of what makes me weak enough to want to hurt those around me. Which is crazy because I have so much to be grateful for. When I have a clearer understanding of this, I'll be better able to rebuild myself into a stronger mind, body and soul.

I've been in every situation you describe and can relate fully. I hope that you are able to be strong and get healthy.

All the best

Anna

MadamX, I think motivation is the bottom line to success in stopping drinking and recovering. It sounds like you're taking positive steps and I hope you continue to move forward with your recovery.