Looking for strength
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 4
Looking for strength
Our son was in drug rehab during high school. He stayed in recovery for over three years. Now he's in college. Last summer he started drinking. 
Now he's driven drunk (no DUI though) and spent the night in jail for public intoxication. The car he drives is in our name, although he paid part of its cost. We should not enable him to use it any more, but I'm not looking forward to asking him to hand over the keys. We might be able to avoid legal liability for what he does by signing over the car to him and making him responsible for insurance, registration, maintenance, etc., but we'd be enabling him to drive under the influence again. Under the terms of his probation, he's required to stay sober, but I don't know how often they'll check for compliance. We know that he'll borrow a friend's car or be a passenger in the car of a friend who could also be DUI, but at least we will have done what we could. And he might be able to buy a junker on his own. If we could be sure he'd stay sober, we'd let him continue using the car; but we cannot be sure of that.
Any suggestions on how to handle getting the keys away from him? Or is there a better solution?
Now he's driven drunk (no DUI though) and spent the night in jail for public intoxication. The car he drives is in our name, although he paid part of its cost. We should not enable him to use it any more, but I'm not looking forward to asking him to hand over the keys. We might be able to avoid legal liability for what he does by signing over the car to him and making him responsible for insurance, registration, maintenance, etc., but we'd be enabling him to drive under the influence again. Under the terms of his probation, he's required to stay sober, but I don't know how often they'll check for compliance. We know that he'll borrow a friend's car or be a passenger in the car of a friend who could also be DUI, but at least we will have done what we could. And he might be able to buy a junker on his own. If we could be sure he'd stay sober, we'd let him continue using the car; but we cannot be sure of that.Any suggestions on how to handle getting the keys away from him? Or is there a better solution?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
First of all welcome, I am glad you are here, there are lots of resources at your disposal, please check out the stickies (permanant posts at the top of the page) as well as postings from other members.
As to you son and the keys, are you arfraid of him, or are you afraid of upsetting him?
If it is the first one you have a problem that can only be resolved with the help of the authorities, if it is the second one, you simply state that:
You have broken our trust by driving drunk and exposed us to extreme finacial liability with your poor decisionmaking.
We need you to hand over the keys now or we will have to call your probation officer and let him know you are drinking.
I hope it works out for you, please come back and let us know how you are doing, this is a great place to vent or get some much needed moral support.
Best of luck,
Bill
As to you son and the keys, are you arfraid of him, or are you afraid of upsetting him?
If it is the first one you have a problem that can only be resolved with the help of the authorities, if it is the second one, you simply state that:
You have broken our trust by driving drunk and exposed us to extreme finacial liability with your poor decisionmaking.
We need you to hand over the keys now or we will have to call your probation officer and let him know you are drinking.
I hope it works out for you, please come back and let us know how you are doing, this is a great place to vent or get some much needed moral support.
Best of luck,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 36
Hi BHM,
Sorry to hear about the situation with your son.
You mentioned that he helped pay for the car. How much did he pay? 50%?
In my mind it entitles him to use the car, but of course I understand your predicament, especially if he gets into a drunk driving accident with it and it messes up your insurance. Maybe you could come up with a few different solutions and let him choose his own adventure (so to speak).
You could sell him the car and sign over all the costs to him.
You could pay him for his part of the car and he gets his own ride.
You can give him a driving probation for as long as his actual probation is going on.
There are probably other options too that i'm not thinking of.
In the end, you can't really control who he hangs out with and who's car he is the passenger of. But, if he is living under your roof, then maybe you can enforce things like a curfew on certain nights (so as to avoid him staying out late and the chance of him getting drunk becomes less).
He is getting to a point where he must be held accountable for his own actions (ie. he's pretty much a man now). So, if he can't handle your household rules (which includes rules for the car) that could mean it is time for him to find his own digs so he can live by his own rules. Have you asked him what he would do if he was you?
My husband's parents never kicked him out of their house, but they did give him the choice of leaving, and he took it. He did a lot of stupid things as a teen and in his early 20's...like getting caught with drug paraphernalia in his car. It was a minor charge which the judge said would be wiped off his state record after a few years, but the FBI never forgets. He applied for a teaching position more than 10 years later and it was still there on his FBI report...so he couldn't get the job. He still blames the 'government' for this, and not himself for being irresponsible with drugs at the time. Goes to show you that he hasn't come to terms with himself over his past. He doesn't use those drugs now, but that small charge continues to affect his life and career choice.
I hope your son can at least wrap his head around the idea that what he does today will always affect his future, but likely not. It's hard at that age. I never liked being told what to do either. I know you must love your son a lot, and if you treat him with love, even when you have to do things that he might not find 'fair', hopefully he will remember it down the line. Rubbing in someone's faults (like with an "i told you so" attitude) might not be helpful...it always just made me feel bitter.
I hope this helps. Wish I had better suggestions, but I am sure someone on here with more experience than I will chip in some good stuff.
Good luck,
CJ
Sorry to hear about the situation with your son.
You mentioned that he helped pay for the car. How much did he pay? 50%?
In my mind it entitles him to use the car, but of course I understand your predicament, especially if he gets into a drunk driving accident with it and it messes up your insurance. Maybe you could come up with a few different solutions and let him choose his own adventure (so to speak).
You could sell him the car and sign over all the costs to him.
You could pay him for his part of the car and he gets his own ride.
You can give him a driving probation for as long as his actual probation is going on.
There are probably other options too that i'm not thinking of.
In the end, you can't really control who he hangs out with and who's car he is the passenger of. But, if he is living under your roof, then maybe you can enforce things like a curfew on certain nights (so as to avoid him staying out late and the chance of him getting drunk becomes less).
He is getting to a point where he must be held accountable for his own actions (ie. he's pretty much a man now). So, if he can't handle your household rules (which includes rules for the car) that could mean it is time for him to find his own digs so he can live by his own rules. Have you asked him what he would do if he was you?
My husband's parents never kicked him out of their house, but they did give him the choice of leaving, and he took it. He did a lot of stupid things as a teen and in his early 20's...like getting caught with drug paraphernalia in his car. It was a minor charge which the judge said would be wiped off his state record after a few years, but the FBI never forgets. He applied for a teaching position more than 10 years later and it was still there on his FBI report...so he couldn't get the job. He still blames the 'government' for this, and not himself for being irresponsible with drugs at the time. Goes to show you that he hasn't come to terms with himself over his past. He doesn't use those drugs now, but that small charge continues to affect his life and career choice.
I hope your son can at least wrap his head around the idea that what he does today will always affect his future, but likely not. It's hard at that age. I never liked being told what to do either. I know you must love your son a lot, and if you treat him with love, even when you have to do things that he might not find 'fair', hopefully he will remember it down the line. Rubbing in someone's faults (like with an "i told you so" attitude) might not be helpful...it always just made me feel bitter.
I hope this helps. Wish I had better suggestions, but I am sure someone on here with more experience than I will chip in some good stuff.
Good luck,
CJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Willybluedog 
First of all welcome, I am glad you are here, there are lots of resources at your disposal, please check out the stickies (permanant posts at the top of the page) as well as postings from other members.
As to you son and the keys, are you arfraid of him, or are you afraid of upsetting him?
If it is the first one you have a problem that can only be resolved with the help of the authorities, if it is the second one, you simply state that:
You have broken our trust by driving drunk and exposed us to extreme finacial liability with your poor decisionmaking.
We need you to hand over the keys now or we will have to call your probation officer and let him know you are drinking.
I hope it works out for you, please come back and let us know how you are doing, this is a great place to vent or get some much needed moral support.
Best of luck,
Bill
As to you son and the keys, are you arfraid of him, or are you afraid of upsetting him?
If it is the first one you have a problem that can only be resolved with the help of the authorities, if it is the second one, you simply state that:
You have broken our trust by driving drunk and exposed us to extreme finacial liability with your poor decisionmaking.
We need you to hand over the keys now or we will have to call your probation officer and let him know you are drinking.
I hope it works out for you, please come back and let us know how you are doing, this is a great place to vent or get some much needed moral support.
Best of luck,
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by CalamityJane
Hi BHM,
Sorry to hear about the situation with your son.
You mentioned that he helped pay for the car. How much did he pay? 50%?
In my mind it entitles him to use the car, but of course I understand your predicament, especially if he gets into a drunk driving accident with it and it messes up your insurance. Maybe you could come up with a few different solutions and let him choose his own adventure (so to speak).
You could sell him the car and sign over all the costs to him.
You could pay him for his part of the car and he gets his own ride.
You can give him a driving probation for as long as his actual probation is going on.
There are probably other options too that i'm not thinking of.
In the end, you can't really control who he hangs out with and who's car he is the passenger of. But, if he is living under your roof, then maybe you can enforce things like a curfew on certain nights (so as to avoid him staying out late and the chance of him getting drunk becomes less).
He is getting to a point where he must be held accountable for his own actions (ie. he's pretty much a man now). So, if he can't handle your household rules (which includes rules for the car) that could mean it is time for him to find his own digs so he can live by his own rules. Have you asked him what he would do if he was you?
My husband's parents never kicked him out of their house, but they did give him the choice of leaving, and he took it. He did a lot of stupid things as a teen and in his early 20's...like getting caught with drug paraphernalia in his car. It was a minor charge which the judge said would be wiped off his state record after a few years, but the FBI never forgets. He applied for a teaching position more than 10 years later and it was still there on his FBI report...so he couldn't get the job. He still blames the 'government' for this, and not himself for being irresponsible with drugs at the time. Goes to show you that he hasn't come to terms with himself over his past. He doesn't use those drugs now, but that small charge continues to affect his life and career choice.
I hope your son can at least wrap his head around the idea that what he does today will always affect his future, but likely not. It's hard at that age. I never liked being told what to do either. I know you must love your son a lot, and if you treat him with love, even when you have to do things that he might not find 'fair', hopefully he will remember it down the line. Rubbing in someone's faults (like with an "i told you so" attitude) might not be helpful...it always just made me feel bitter.
I hope this helps. Wish I had better suggestions, but I am sure someone on here with more experience than I will chip in some good stuff.
Good luck,
CJ
Sorry to hear about the situation with your son.
You mentioned that he helped pay for the car. How much did he pay? 50%?
In my mind it entitles him to use the car, but of course I understand your predicament, especially if he gets into a drunk driving accident with it and it messes up your insurance. Maybe you could come up with a few different solutions and let him choose his own adventure (so to speak).
You could sell him the car and sign over all the costs to him.
You could pay him for his part of the car and he gets his own ride.
You can give him a driving probation for as long as his actual probation is going on.
There are probably other options too that i'm not thinking of.
In the end, you can't really control who he hangs out with and who's car he is the passenger of. But, if he is living under your roof, then maybe you can enforce things like a curfew on certain nights (so as to avoid him staying out late and the chance of him getting drunk becomes less).
He is getting to a point where he must be held accountable for his own actions (ie. he's pretty much a man now). So, if he can't handle your household rules (which includes rules for the car) that could mean it is time for him to find his own digs so he can live by his own rules. Have you asked him what he would do if he was you?
My husband's parents never kicked him out of their house, but they did give him the choice of leaving, and he took it. He did a lot of stupid things as a teen and in his early 20's...like getting caught with drug paraphernalia in his car. It was a minor charge which the judge said would be wiped off his state record after a few years, but the FBI never forgets. He applied for a teaching position more than 10 years later and it was still there on his FBI report...so he couldn't get the job. He still blames the 'government' for this, and not himself for being irresponsible with drugs at the time. Goes to show you that he hasn't come to terms with himself over his past. He doesn't use those drugs now, but that small charge continues to affect his life and career choice.
I hope your son can at least wrap his head around the idea that what he does today will always affect his future, but likely not. It's hard at that age. I never liked being told what to do either. I know you must love your son a lot, and if you treat him with love, even when you have to do things that he might not find 'fair', hopefully he will remember it down the line. Rubbing in someone's faults (like with an "i told you so" attitude) might not be helpful...it always just made me feel bitter.
I hope this helps. Wish I had better suggestions, but I am sure someone on here with more experience than I will chip in some good stuff.
Good luck,
CJ
I think we will sell the car, let him have his half of the proceeds, and he can use the money as he sees fit. If he buys another car, that's his choice, but we won't be or feel responsible for what he does in it.
He's away at college, and I do not expect him to live under our roof again. I like the suggestion about asking us what he would do in our situation.
When he told us he was drinking, we could see the consequences coming, but we refrained from saying "we told you so" when he told us about the PI arrest.
Our goal has been that he be totally independent of us (or as much as the law allows) when he turns 21, and he's nearly there.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
(((hugs)))
Difficult, difficult situation. I don't have to tell you that. But I have a special place in my heart for parents dealing with kids' addictions. As a kid and young adult, two of my friends were a pair of brothers, raised in the same family, same parents, a couple of years apart in age. One was a straight-A student, star of the track team. The other became addicted to drugs and died in a fire they think he set deliberately.
By which I'm just saying -- as parents, we tend to blame ourselves, and yet, two kids in the same family, with the same support, can take two completely different routes in life.
I am hoping and praying that this is the wake-up call your son needs. And it does seem like you have a good sense for what's sensible to do. You split the cost for the car, but it still worries me to think of handing a kid with a possible addiction a wad of cash. I don't know how you can NOT do that, though.
Hopefully someone wiser will come along with brilliant ideas. Just wanted you to know that I was here and that I'm thinking of you and your son.
Difficult, difficult situation. I don't have to tell you that. But I have a special place in my heart for parents dealing with kids' addictions. As a kid and young adult, two of my friends were a pair of brothers, raised in the same family, same parents, a couple of years apart in age. One was a straight-A student, star of the track team. The other became addicted to drugs and died in a fire they think he set deliberately.
By which I'm just saying -- as parents, we tend to blame ourselves, and yet, two kids in the same family, with the same support, can take two completely different routes in life.
I am hoping and praying that this is the wake-up call your son needs. And it does seem like you have a good sense for what's sensible to do. You split the cost for the car, but it still worries me to think of handing a kid with a possible addiction a wad of cash. I don't know how you can NOT do that, though.
Hopefully someone wiser will come along with brilliant ideas. Just wanted you to know that I was here and that I'm thinking of you and your son.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Originally Posted by BHM
Our son was in drug rehab during high school. He stayed in recovery for over three years. Now he's in college. Last summer he started drinking. Now he's driven drunk (no DUI though) and spent the night in jail for public intoxication. The car he drives is in our name, although he paid part of its cost. We should not enable him to use it any more, but I'm not looking forward to asking him to hand over the keys. We might be able to avoid legal liability for what he does by signing over the car to him and making him responsible for insurance, registration, maintenance, etc., but we'd be enabling him to drive under the influence again. Under the terms of his probation, he's required to stay sober, but I don't know how often they'll check for compliance. We know that he'll borrow a friend's car or be a passenger in the car of a friend who could also be DUI, but at least we will have done what we could. And he might be able to buy a junker on his own. If we could be sure he'd stay sober, we'd let him continue using the car; but we cannot be sure of that.
Any suggestions on how to handle getting the keys away from him? Or is there a better solution?
Now he's driven drunk (no DUI though) and spent the night in jail for public intoxication. The car he drives is in our name, although he paid part of its cost. We should not enable him to use it any more, but I'm not looking forward to asking him to hand over the keys. We might be able to avoid legal liability for what he does by signing over the car to him and making him responsible for insurance, registration, maintenance, etc., but we'd be enabling him to drive under the influence again. Under the terms of his probation, he's required to stay sober, but I don't know how often they'll check for compliance. We know that he'll borrow a friend's car or be a passenger in the car of a friend who could also be DUI, but at least we will have done what we could. And he might be able to buy a junker on his own. If we could be sure he'd stay sober, we'd let him continue using the car; but we cannot be sure of that.Any suggestions on how to handle getting the keys away from him? Or is there a better solution?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 36
Yes. Selling the car sounds good to me. It sucks that you feel the need to cut yourself off from him as soon as he is 21 years old...you might not be scared of him, but it definitely sounds like your relationship is very strained. Sorry it has played out like this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 4
Follow-up
Just a follow up to let you know that things have worked out well, not perfectly, but well. Our son was willing to turn the car over to us (agreed that he did not deserve to have it) and we kept it about a year, until the month he turned 21. The car and insurance are now in his name. After we took his car, he started riding his bicycle frequently, which was very good for him. He completed his probation successfully and his record now shows that the charges were dismissed. He hopes to eventually get his record sealed or expunged. The consequences (probation, loss of car, etc.) were severe enough that he is dissuaded from ever drinking and driving. We now have a very good relationship with him. He likes to talk to us, wants us to visit him, and he wants to stay with us when he's home from college. I would like to say that he has been completely sober ever since, but that's not the case. However, his drinking pattern is more mature, i.e. less frequent, not to excess, and definitely not followed by driving. Our fears that drinking might lead to a relapse of drug use have thus far been unfounded. So, I'd encourage other parents in similar situations to take a firm but loving approach.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Thank you so much for the follow up! I love to hear stuff like this.
My children are young teens but I'm always reading about how others deal with issues that may come up-when people post things like this it really does help. Thank you.
My children are young teens but I'm always reading about how others deal with issues that may come up-when people post things like this it really does help. Thank you.
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