LostinBA

All,

I need a little feedback, since I'm probably in my "Anger" phase right now and my soon to be EXAW decided to send me another copy of the draft paperwork she has been working on for the past three months. She went ahead and sent me the entire email chain where she blamed me for the delay in the paperwork, etc. Here is the response I wrote, but haven't sent. Need feedback on whether to send it and get this off my mind, or trash it and not worry about it. Basically, what would you do?

Verbage from her email to me:
I think it is correct this time. I put the due fair by Dec 23,2012.....that should be 10 months. Hope
You are doing ok. Sounds dumb but i do.

My response (not sent yet) Regarding the paperwork:
I will look at this when I have time. I don't understand why you would copy me in on the correspondence with your OEA Attorney, and then have the nerve to actually act like I was delaying anything. I responded to the last one very quickly, within the same day that you sent me the information. As far as hoping I'm doing all right, I can tell how much you care by your actions. It's taken me a while to figure this out, but this isn't about me, this has been all about you and will continue to be. You had the opportunity to handle this in a manner that didn't result in financial ruin for both of us, but there were other things that were more important to you which I hope you kick, but that's not my business any more. Here's your results, hope they were what you were expecting:

1. Not there when Maggie died. (I understand she wasn't your dog)
2. Left your dog
3. Walked away from the house
4. Walked away from the trailer
5. Insured Bankruptcy was the only option

Notice, I didn't include myself on the list. I couldn't compete with alcohol.

Funny thing is, I thought I would be angry, but I know I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it for you.

Thanks to any of you for feedback.

lillamy

What are you trying to accomplish by sending that?
Do you think she's likely to see the error of her ways?

You're angry -- and that's OK. But if your STX is anything like mine, a letter like that will accomplish absolutely nothing. Except maybe ignite another fight. My AXH still picks fights with me -- maybe because having a fight with me still makes him feel like we have some kind of relationship, even if it's only adversarial.

I'd say let it go and move on. I don't think you will get through to her -- but that's just my opinion.

LostinBA

lillamy, you are right. I don't think it will accomplish anything. I think I was just mad that she is still following in her own ways with all the lies. It pissed me off to see that she lied to her attorney and blamed the delay on me. But it really doesn't matter. That's what she does and she doesn't see anything wrong with it.

Ursula745

I would just reply that you would look at it as soon as you can, and leave it at that. I don't know the history, but you won't accomplish anything but a bigger mess if you say all that. Let it go with her, and deal with your emotions yourself, through counseling or something. If not, you'll likely make this worse for you, not her. It's not worth it.

lillamy

It's infuriating. It is. I have so many letters I've written to my AXH. That I never sent. It actually felt even better writing them knowing I would never send them. Very therapeutic.

I've only sent him ONE. And that was after he claimed he had no idea what he did wrong and why I left. I asked him twice if he was sure he wanted to know. And then I told him. It made exactly as much impact as if I had thrown a cotton ball at the pavement. It was still all my fault.

LostinBA

I kept it simple. Just replied that I was glad to see she hadn't changed her ways and that the email chain made me smile and that I would look at the paperwork when I found the time. I doubt if she will even figure out that I was referring to her habit of telling lies to cover for herself. Thanks for the advice.

Cyranoak

It's awesome you wrote that. I wrote a ton of letters and emails to my alcoholic wife and it felt great! I didn't send any of them and I'm really glad I didn't. In fact, on the emails I didn't even put in her email address (or deleted it) in order to ensure no accidental sends.

Good luck my friend.

Cyranaok

AlcoholicLove

I understand your anger, and how good it felt to write that all down, but sadly even if you sent it, the bottom line is SHE WON'T CARE.
Nothing matters to them, but them.

I was once told "Every caring thing you say to me, goes in one ear and out the other.." and he's been sober and in AA for a year and a half.

My wish you is peace and serenity....

LostinBA

Thanks for all the feedback. You are all correct, it wouldn't matter what I said, it's not about me anyway. I deleted the really "honest" responses that I had written.

It's taken me a while to realize that the things I have done, Al-Anon, Counseling, etc. have placed me on a path that's not on the same level that she is on. I believe that I'm on the path to recovery, which means that I have to let go. I never really understood the saying of letting go with love, but I do now. I do love her, possibly always will, but this is what she wants and I have accepted it. I was afraid that I was giving up. I'm not giving up, I'm just accepting that I don't have any control (or input) on the situation other than protecting myself legally. What am i holding on to.

This time next week, I will have reviewed/revised if necessary the divorce paperwork and i will sign the papers. It's not going to kill me. I'm still a good person, I just can't fix her, or this marriage on my own, and I'm the only person who is trying. Won't work that way unfortunately!

Wow, what a change I've gone through over the past three months. From total despair, to being willing to do what she believes is best for her. Perhaps it will be the best for me as well. Perhaps I will need to send her a "thank you" card someday! (Probably not!, I'm not a Saint!)

Thanks for the feedback.

Ponder

Just a thought for any future correspondence, stick to facts only, make anything you write as dry as the Mohave desert. I would not even put in a "how are you" or anything remotely on a personal level.

Thumper

I learned this the hard way (ie a dozen or so 'lessons' before I figured it out). One phrase of anything else was a weapon if not right away at some point in the future. It was all so exhausing, disheartening, and frustrating. Mohave desert is right. I still think long and hard about putting a 'take care' at the end of an email and it has been 2 years!

LostinBA

I like the desert analogy. It's funny, but listening/reading what you said, I see that her words make me think about things and it's most likely intentional. I will keep it as dry as can be with the limited times I have to deal with her that are left.

It's sad to see what has happened, but I am getting a little relief knowing that she isn't working on her recovery at all, because there is nothing wrong with her drinking. The "relief" I feel is that I'm getting away from it all, and I know that since she is not working on it, there is no reason for me to hold on. I can live with it being my fault in her eyes.

lillamy

YES!!! Exactly!!! You can, and you will, and... the best revenge is moving on and living a life you can enjoy!

Can't vouch for the truth of this line of thinking, but it rang a bell with me: A book I read about alcoholism years ago said that alcoholics write a script for their lives, clearly identifying their role in the plot and in all their relationships. And then they spend the rest of their lives trying to make reality conform to their script.

In my case, AXH was The Victim. Everything he does is an attempt to prove that regardless of how smart he is, how hard he works, how hard he tries, life continues to treat him as a victim. Relating to someone who tried to love that out of him didn't work; it made him uncomfortable when I tried to tell him he could be in charge of his life and didn't have to spend it taking notes on a daily basis about how life victimized him. So when I left, he had to add a chapter to the scripts, along the same lines, where it wasn't his fault that I left, he was just the innocent victim, once again.

His story says I had an affair for years before I left him, and that I didn't even have the decency to tell him so that he could try to work with me on our marriage. Funny enough, the part where he was passed out drunk every night for the past ten years and where he threatened to kill me and the kids isn't in his script. Because it doesn't fit.