GalFriday

I've been taking oxy's (mainly) for 4 yrs now and it has gotten progressively worse. Went from 1 or two a day to now taking 6-8 per day. I started after my Mom died; I found that they helped me function thru the grief. And then I realized they make me a happier and more productive person...I play with my son, I do housework, I go walking and visit with neighbors, I go grocery shopping, etc etc. Without them, I just sit around feeling and acting Blah. I also suffer with major clinical depression, so the "happy" feeling they provide is a nice break from reality. I've never had to buy them, so money is not an issue. So here's my problem: My logical intelligent brain knows I have a big problem that I need to get rid of. I know I am addicted and that I have got to quit. BUT, the other side of my brain says "why quit?" because it makes me a happier more functioning person. ----- In the past I've made a lot of positive changes in my life: I quit smoking, I lost weight, I got out of a destructive relationship, I quit drinking alcohol, I even quit drinking coffee! So my logical brain is really having a hard time figuring out why I dont want to get this habit out of my life. I mean i do want to, I just dont want to ENOUGH. I've got to find a reason that will really wake me up and realize that this is a bad thing so I will WANT it enough to quit. I ran out of pills once for 3 days and went thru some terrible WD's, so that just made me more serious about having them on hand all the time. ----- I know this all sounds crazy, does anyone understand what's going on? anyone have any ideas or suggestions? I am hoping something here will be an ah-ha moment for me and kick my butt into gear.

doggonecarl

The part of you arguing to maintain drug use IS the addiction. It is cunning. Right now it can point to all these positives that oxy use brings. But when things turn ugly (and they will, give it time) the addiction will still find ways to convince you to keep using.

The longer you wait, the tighter the snare of addiction gets. Visit the substance abuse thread and read some of the posts there. Addiction is not a pretty picture. It will get a lot worse if you let it.

Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Threshold

What made you want to make those other life changes? Did it take you life being wrecked before you made the decision to stop smoking, lose weight etc, or were you able to use logic as reason enough to address them before they ruined your life?

Perhaps perceiving that your life and health will be better without them will be enough for you. Or maybe reading horror stories will be enough.

If I were you I'd get to a dr, and a therapist. They can probably help you discern why you function better on these pills, and help you find a healthy alternative. If there is underlying anxiety or depression the pills are helping with, those can be addressed in other ways.

HenryKrinkle

To me, this sounds like a pretty good reason to quit using. If you need the pills to feel good, or just to not feel bad (WD), then there is a serious problem that is only going to get worse and worse.

You are going to have to quit sometime. The longer you head down this path, the harder it is going to be to stop.

freshstart57

You can get out now while the getting is merely really really sh***y, or you can keep going. Every oxy you take will make it worse when you stop. You will start taking more of them and more regularly. When you think that you can stop at say 10 a day, you will start making each one count a little more, start crushing them and snorting them. Your supply will one day fail, and you will start finding cheaper nastier opiates and I think you know wHat I am talking about here. The time you spend now with your son will become just a fuzzy distant memory as you become more and more alienated and withdrawn. Any delay in feeding your addiction will make you so sick, every muscle will hurt, headaches that will split your skull, cold sweats and shakes and a crushing depression that convinces you life is not worth living without your junk. Your life will shrink and close in, leaving only you and that shame filled guilt ridden aching hunger for just a little something to fix that terrible sickness.

You wanted a reason to quit oxies, GalFriday, and I think you know that you have all the reasons you need already. Your son depends on you for care and nourishment and warmth and love.

There is support here at SR that is yours for the asking. Please keep posting here and letting us know that you have decided that you deserve a life that is better than the one I described for you. You deserve so much more, and so does your son.

augustwest

my oxycontin addiction eventually led to me developing a heroin addiction when i couldn't find any oxy to snort. i missed days of work, lost my girlfriend, horrible withdrawals that got so bad that i would do anything to not have to go through that, including selling all my possessions, stealing from work, stealing from my own mother. i couldn't function without it and was not really functioning with it either. the end of road consisted of me having to crush two 80's before going to bed and having it on my nightstand so i could do a tiny bit at about 5am to go back to sleep and then the rest just to get up and go to work. then i had to do at least two more during the day, and another couple after work. And i never got high! the **** quit working before i reached this terrible place. i was spending in excess of 300 dollars a day on that crap and would anything i had to to get the money to get more. i hated myself and wanted to die.

aeo1313

I could have written this post. I also feel like the pills help me- make me happier, more productive, etc. I suffer from major depression as well, and these help more than any anti depressant. My script ran out though and the last week I have stolen pills from friends and family. That can't be normal I feel like if I had an unlimited script I would never quit. I keep thinking I would never let it get worse, I would never do heroin etc...but I find myself wondering if anyone I know has any connections. I have to trust those on here that have been where I am and taken it that extra step to nowhere and trust that will be me if I don't quit.

augustwest

there is no substitute for genuine happiness and productivity. These magic pills have a terrible downside. Both physically and emotionally. They will damage our brains and livers. They will turn us into reclusive thieves. At least that's what it did to me and many people that i know.

bostonluv

Oxys took me down so low - to a place I had only heard about in the movies. I was so depressed. My tolerance kept going up and up until I was doing all sorts of other cheaper opiates. Basically they stopped working. Nothing worked to make me feel better. I got so low I ended up plowing my car into a tree on purpose. I can't even think about that time in my life without getting goose bumps. There's my nightmare story for you. I hope if money is not an issue as you say that you go to some sort of detox and rehab to get over this addiction and learn how to live and be happy without chemicals. I wish you the best. Keep posting.

augustwest

keeping it simple here....needing pills to feel good is reason enough to quit.

GalFriday

freshstart: thanks for the post. I see myself already becoming alienated and withdrawn, but I blamed that on the depression, never considered otherwise. --- I'm guessing u are a Mom, only because you zeroed in on my son which is the ONE aspect of all this that brings me to tears...I am ALL he has, literally. And what happens to him if something happens to me? But on the flip side, what happens to him when I quit and cannot function thru the WD part of it? What happens if I quit and get so depressed that I cant take care of him properly? I am really really scared to quit I guess. Not knowing what is on the other side, not knowing what will happen and how I will deal with it? --- I've never had lots of friends but the few good ones I had seem to have faded away. I dont even have anyone I would let babysit for me anymore. I don't know if I will be strong enough to do this by myself, and if i'm not....I don't even want to think about that.

GalFriday

August: thanks for writing. It is hard for me to face up to how bad it "might" get because I've been so focused on the here and now. I so do NOT not not want to get like what you talk about, but really, that is what I'm afraid of the most. It seems like I just woke up one day and was taking all these pills. how did it happen? I dont know. Started innocently enough i suppose, and then it just happend, without me even making the decision or giving any thought to it, it just HAPPENED. So what if i wake up tomorrow and it just HAPPENS again, and I'm doing just the things you talk about. OMG I've never felt so out of control of my own self!

GalFriday

aeo: thanks so much for writing. I'm glad to know I'm not quite as alone as I feel right now. Are you still taking pills right now too? Are you going to try to stop? I've never stolen anything in my life....except pills. I cannot imagine how I could have gotten so low as to sneak around stealing from people, but I cannot imagine too how to make it stop.

aeo1313

I'm not taking anything now bc I don't have anything to take. If I did, I'd be taking them. I just can't find the motivation to quit the pills, but I don't want to live my life just waiting for the next round of pills I can find.

GalFriday

Boston: thanks for writing. I'm terrified that that is where I am heading if I don't stop now. I'm scared to live with them and afraid to live without them. --- and just to clarify, I wouldn't be able to go to a rehab or doctors. No money and no insurance. I just meant that I've not ever bought pills, I steal them. I've got a pretty sweet deal as far as addicts go, an unlimited supply to steal from. Augustwest said it best, I am becoming, no, I have become, "a reclusive thief". ouch.

GalFriday

aeo: that is exactly how I feel too i just couldn't find the right words. I lack the motivation, but at the same time I am so sick of thinking about my next pill every minute of every day. It has not just consumed my actions, but it's taken over my thoughts too. that's what I'm having such a hard time with.

suki44883

I'm not sure any of us can give you a reason to quit. That has to come from within. When you get sick and tired enough of being sick and tired, you'll be willing to do anything to recover. I hope you reach that point soon.

GalFriday

I've decided to set a "quit date". Tuesday next will be my last use day.

GalFriday

thanks to all who posted. It has made a big difference for me to hear from other people and know that "if you can do it i can too"

choublak

This.

Also, if you keep waiting for a reason, and that reason never comes, then what?