struggling with my emotions
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struggling with my emotions
hello everyone. i have been reading a lot of posts lately just not posting myself a lot.
in march it will be one year since i left with the kids. since then AH has seen the kids once and only b/c i allowed him to come to the hospital as i was having our 3rd child. we spent few days at home after the birth and then following an incident (that involved me calling the cops) went back to my apartment.
i am not sure why am i having a hard time with this. it has been a long time. i don't respond to his calls or texts, but the approaching finality of it is making me feel really sad (our state has 1 yr separation rule before anyone can file for divorce).
i went to file my taxes last week and claimed all the kids. and i do feel bad about it b/c i am pretty sure that now he will owe the $ to the irs. he is/has been behind on child support and last week he was texting about how he is behind on bills. not that i should be really concerned with any of his problems, since i had to borrow $ from my family to pay my bills and still am behind also.
in a way, as silly as it may seem at this point, i am still hoping for something significant to happen. and sadly, deep down i know that it probably will not.
i know that even if he decided to stop the drugs today, i would not be sure if i wanted to be with him or not. i mean i really do, but i am not sure if it would be a good idea for me or the kids just b/c it is so uncertain whether he will go back or not. and that is for life.
so, just kind of sad. sad for him and for us. i guess i just wanted to get it out. thank you all for reading.
hugs and prayers. love you all.
in march it will be one year since i left with the kids. since then AH has seen the kids once and only b/c i allowed him to come to the hospital as i was having our 3rd child. we spent few days at home after the birth and then following an incident (that involved me calling the cops) went back to my apartment.
i am not sure why am i having a hard time with this. it has been a long time. i don't respond to his calls or texts, but the approaching finality of it is making me feel really sad (our state has 1 yr separation rule before anyone can file for divorce).
i went to file my taxes last week and claimed all the kids. and i do feel bad about it b/c i am pretty sure that now he will owe the $ to the irs. he is/has been behind on child support and last week he was texting about how he is behind on bills. not that i should be really concerned with any of his problems, since i had to borrow $ from my family to pay my bills and still am behind also.
in a way, as silly as it may seem at this point, i am still hoping for something significant to happen. and sadly, deep down i know that it probably will not.
i know that even if he decided to stop the drugs today, i would not be sure if i wanted to be with him or not. i mean i really do, but i am not sure if it would be a good idea for me or the kids just b/c it is so uncertain whether he will go back or not. and that is for life.
so, just kind of sad. sad for him and for us. i guess i just wanted to get it out. thank you all for reading.
hugs and prayers. love you all.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((PS))
There is nothing wrong with holding on to a little hope my friend!
You are still taking care of you and those precious little ones ~ doing the Next Right Thing and taking those big steps!
Please try to let the guilt go about doing what is rightfully yours to do as far as the tax situation ~ Look at it without the personal attachment -this is what is the best choice financially for your family ~ it makes things better for you and your children. IT's not you causing problems to him ~ it is the consequences of HIS actions or lack of responsibility causing him difficulties - IT has nothing to do with YOU!!
Breathe, Just Breathe and Remember YOU and YOUR children are worthy of true respect, dignity and Self-Love!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
There is nothing wrong with holding on to a little hope my friend!
You are still taking care of you and those precious little ones ~ doing the Next Right Thing and taking those big steps!
Please try to let the guilt go about doing what is rightfully yours to do as far as the tax situation ~ Look at it without the personal attachment -this is what is the best choice financially for your family ~ it makes things better for you and your children. IT's not you causing problems to him ~ it is the consequences of HIS actions or lack of responsibility causing him difficulties - IT has nothing to do with YOU!!
Breathe, Just Breathe and Remember YOU and YOUR children are worthy of true respect, dignity and Self-Love!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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thank you Rita for your kind words. some days are better than others. i guess today i'm feeling a little gloomy, but what you said about consequences makes sense.
i am still having problems seeing my AH as this wonderful person that is just being highjacked by his addiction. if i am really honest with myself, though, i have to admit that he might not be such a wonderful person. i "might have" made him up somewhat. still struggling and going back and forth. i cannot decide if he is the bad guy or the good guy. in a way it shouldn't even matter b/c i have to do what is best for me and the kids.
well it is a work in progress. i just thought that by now, i should be a little bit more secure about what i want.
thank you for your support. hugs.
i am still having problems seeing my AH as this wonderful person that is just being highjacked by his addiction. if i am really honest with myself, though, i have to admit that he might not be such a wonderful person. i "might have" made him up somewhat. still struggling and going back and forth. i cannot decide if he is the bad guy or the good guy. in a way it shouldn't even matter b/c i have to do what is best for me and the kids.
well it is a work in progress. i just thought that by now, i should be a little bit more secure about what i want.
thank you for your support. hugs.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
There comes a time when "acceptance" sets in, when we know it will not be like it was before addiction and it's not likely to get better any time soon, so we need to move on.
With this acceptance comes a form of grief, for the loss of our dreams and the loss of what might have been. Sadness is part of this.
It's okay to be sad, just don't hang out there too long. Feel the pain, acknowledge it, and then find something uplifting to boost your spirits.
You and your children are in my prayers. I hope things get better for you all soon.
Hugs
With this acceptance comes a form of grief, for the loss of our dreams and the loss of what might have been. Sadness is part of this.
It's okay to be sad, just don't hang out there too long. Feel the pain, acknowledge it, and then find something uplifting to boost your spirits.
You and your children are in my prayers. I hope things get better for you all soon.
Hugs
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anvil,
as much as i am sometimes half way afraid to read your responses (ha, ha, ha), i REALLY, really appreciate this one. i have been moping around the whole weekend, not knowing whether i'm coming or going and your response woke me up. thank you so much.
i guess my threat should be titled "struggling with his emotions" that like you said i am "feeling" for him.
you are so right. here i am, with three kids in 1 bedroom apt w/ all my business inventory and stuff. it is so much stuff, i can barely walk thru the apartment and "poor" him has not worked in 1 and a half yrs., having to spend his alone time in our beautiful 2 story house. after having a baby, i went back to working on my business in less than 2 weeks while he was doing what?. he doesn't even have a part time job to supplement his unemployment and meet his extra allowance (other than drugs i suppose). i get up every morning and work w/ 3 kids tagging along w/ me in order to provide for us. and then i sit around and feel sorry FOR HIM!!!! i don't know what was i thinking.
thank you so much for your response. i needed it badly.
hugs and prayers to you and thanks again.
as much as i am sometimes half way afraid to read your responses (ha, ha, ha), i REALLY, really appreciate this one. i have been moping around the whole weekend, not knowing whether i'm coming or going and your response woke me up. thank you so much.
i guess my threat should be titled "struggling with his emotions" that like you said i am "feeling" for him.
Originally Posted by anvilhead
you have a lot on your plate sister. stay focused on that. on what IS. married, filing separately, 3 dependents. that the very last time you spent in contact with jackass, at the birth of your CHILD, you had to CALL THE COPS on him. that at one of the most astounding, life altering moments, in the presence of children and a days old baby, he went outta control anyway.
thank you so much for your response. i needed it badly.
hugs and prayers to you and thanks again.
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Ann,
thank you for the encouragement. i think that this time i let myself go a little bit too far w/ feeling sad. but it is ok.
and like you said, acceptance of the inevitable is the bit that i am struggling with. it is still so hard to believe that things are not working out and may not actually ever work out between us. what is making it worse is that we met around this time of the year (14 yrs ago) and our wedding anniversary is coming up in February (great!). so this time of the year seems to be especially emotional for me.
i know that only time will tell what the future holds. so far the things have not been exactly going my way, but who is to tell that that is not a blessing in disguise. when i am thinking more clearly, i do appreciate the good things. at least i am not back where i was, stuck in the middle of his addiction and trying to fix him and everything else.
i appreciate your continuous support. hugs.
thank you for the encouragement. i think that this time i let myself go a little bit too far w/ feeling sad. but it is ok.
and like you said, acceptance of the inevitable is the bit that i am struggling with. it is still so hard to believe that things are not working out and may not actually ever work out between us. what is making it worse is that we met around this time of the year (14 yrs ago) and our wedding anniversary is coming up in February (great!). so this time of the year seems to be especially emotional for me.
i know that only time will tell what the future holds. so far the things have not been exactly going my way, but who is to tell that that is not a blessing in disguise. when i am thinking more clearly, i do appreciate the good things. at least i am not back where i was, stuck in the middle of his addiction and trying to fix him and everything else.
i appreciate your continuous support. hugs.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
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Sunrise you sound like a very caring person. Must have had enough good times with AH to hope for the best. Your probably home takin care of the kids right now. I wonder where he is. Please take care of you and the kids first. 
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neferkamichael,
yep, right at home fixing kids' dinner and working on the computer at the same time. where is he? no idea. not even sure i want to know. also probably don't need to know.
thank you for your response and support. hugs and prayers.
yep, right at home fixing kids' dinner and working on the computer at the same time. where is he? no idea. not even sure i want to know. also probably don't need to know.
thank you for your response and support. hugs and prayers.
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Location: Atlanta
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(((PS))) - I hope you are feeling a little better than when you started this thread
I think most of us go through some sad times, I know I did. I don't know what finally clicked that I got the "acceptance" that ((Ann)) spoke of, but it did happen. By that time, didn't matter what HE did, I was done. I know it's different, in that you have kids, but you've been a single mom for almost a year.
Maybe it would help to write a simple list of why you guys aren't together, like what ((Anvil)) posted. I had to do that a few times, even listed the pros and cons, and the cons list was wayyyy longer. A few times of doing that, there really wasn't a pros list.
Keep taking care of you and those precious babies...you'll be fine.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I think most of us go through some sad times, I know I did. I don't know what finally clicked that I got the "acceptance" that ((Ann)) spoke of, but it did happen. By that time, didn't matter what HE did, I was done. I know it's different, in that you have kids, but you've been a single mom for almost a year.Maybe it would help to write a simple list of why you guys aren't together, like what ((Anvil)) posted. I had to do that a few times, even listed the pros and cons, and the cons list was wayyyy longer. A few times of doing that, there really wasn't a pros list.
Keep taking care of you and those precious babies...you'll be fine.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Impurrfect,
thank you for the encouragement and support. i do feel a whole lot better than earlier today. i guess i just needed someone to put the whole thing in the right perspective for me (like Anvil). sticking to the facts instead of elaborating on them for someone else is definitely something i need to do more of.
i don't think that i am quite ready to embrace the complete acceptance, but with time it is going to be more and more clear where are things going (so far nowhere). i think that eventually i will get there, as i have come far from my first posts on SR.
i appreciate your continuos support. hugs and prayers for you. thanks.
thank you for the encouragement and support. i do feel a whole lot better than earlier today. i guess i just needed someone to put the whole thing in the right perspective for me (like Anvil). sticking to the facts instead of elaborating on them for someone else is definitely something i need to do more of.
i don't think that i am quite ready to embrace the complete acceptance, but with time it is going to be more and more clear where are things going (so far nowhere). i think that eventually i will get there, as i have come far from my first posts on SR.
i appreciate your continuos support. hugs and prayers for you. thanks.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
You have know idea how bad I needed to read your thread here, LOL. I've seriously been considering writing one up myself, but now I don't have to! Just trying to make light of a horrendous situation for both of us.
Anyway, I am in a very similar boat and based on what you wrote, how you wrote it, I think we have a lot of similarities. I have held on (not even knowingly) to some weird idea of my husband that you described so well as being this "wonderful person that is just being highjacked by his addiction". My family and friends would like to pull my hair out for me! The reality (which we must have a hard time grasping) is that they are not highjacked...this is who they are! And, although I too continue to hold out some pathetic hope, there's a darn good chance that neither of them will change ever. It is beyond sad.
So, reality is, here are two guys that made a decision to become fathers. But, unfortunately choose to act like man-children instead of fathers. Really ridiculous. So while they whine about how unfair the world is, and how we chose this, we carry all the weight of their choice to have kids with us. It stinks, and it is really unfair, and our kids are the biggest losers. But, there is nothing we can do about it. And waiting around for these man-children to finally man up may leave us here for a long, long time.
I think the grief, these crazy feelings, these anniversaries buzzing by (I've been separated for 13 months), is just us realizing that time has essentially run out and we need to make the final break, make some more permanent decisions - so we can regain out lives. At least this is what I hope is happening for me anyway.
I know I didn't help - just sharing that you are not alone! I pray this year brings the turning point of change that we both need in our lives! ****{hugs}}} to you...and your babies.
Anyway, I am in a very similar boat and based on what you wrote, how you wrote it, I think we have a lot of similarities. I have held on (not even knowingly) to some weird idea of my husband that you described so well as being this "wonderful person that is just being highjacked by his addiction". My family and friends would like to pull my hair out for me! The reality (which we must have a hard time grasping) is that they are not highjacked...this is who they are! And, although I too continue to hold out some pathetic hope, there's a darn good chance that neither of them will change ever. It is beyond sad.
So, reality is, here are two guys that made a decision to become fathers. But, unfortunately choose to act like man-children instead of fathers. Really ridiculous. So while they whine about how unfair the world is, and how we chose this, we carry all the weight of their choice to have kids with us. It stinks, and it is really unfair, and our kids are the biggest losers. But, there is nothing we can do about it. And waiting around for these man-children to finally man up may leave us here for a long, long time.
I think the grief, these crazy feelings, these anniversaries buzzing by (I've been separated for 13 months), is just us realizing that time has essentially run out and we need to make the final break, make some more permanent decisions - so we can regain out lives. At least this is what I hope is happening for me anyway.
I know I didn't help - just sharing that you are not alone! I pray this year brings the turning point of change that we both need in our lives! ****{hugs}}} to you...and your babies.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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It sounds familiar what you are saying. I was five months pregnant when I left my alcoholic husband. I went thru many emotions. All of the different emotions are normal. It is hard to loose someone you love to drugs of any kind. I waited four years before I got my divorce. No matter how much I loved him, I had to let go. It is not easy but as you allow the pain to pass and trust God with your life as He provides and you will know what the right choices will be. We can't figure out the what ifs but we can control our on actions and take care of ourselves. It is good that you are sharing and reading the posts.
May God richly bless you and your family.
May God richly bless you and your family.
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newnormal4me,
thank you so much for your reply and encouragement. it definitely does make me feel better to know that i am not the only one holding onto hope despite everything.
i think what would help me is making up my mind about whether he is a good guy beneath the addiction or just a bad guy regardless of the addiction. the "facts" as Anvil put it are leaning toward the latter, but i just am not quite ready to face it just yet.
sorry to hear that you are in a similar boat and you are right our situations do stink. i don't want to make it seem as if i am not to blame in any of this. maybe if i was more careful when choosing a husband or if i was more willing to see him for what he was earlier on, i wouldn't be here on SR writing up my pity party. lol. but it is what it is.
thank you for your support. hope that your situation and mine turns out better than it did so far. my prayers and thoughts are with you and your kids. stay strong and thanks again.
thank you so much for your reply and encouragement. it definitely does make me feel better to know that i am not the only one holding onto hope despite everything.
i think what would help me is making up my mind about whether he is a good guy beneath the addiction or just a bad guy regardless of the addiction. the "facts" as Anvil put it are leaning toward the latter, but i just am not quite ready to face it just yet.
sorry to hear that you are in a similar boat and you are right our situations do stink. i don't want to make it seem as if i am not to blame in any of this. maybe if i was more careful when choosing a husband or if i was more willing to see him for what he was earlier on, i wouldn't be here on SR writing up my pity party. lol. but it is what it is.
thank you for your support. hope that your situation and mine turns out better than it did so far. my prayers and thoughts are with you and your kids. stay strong and thanks again.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I understand how you feel. I feel the same way. I have daydreams that my x addict would come knocking at my door and tell me he has made the biggest mistake and would do anything to get clean and get back together, and we live happily ever after. So, you are not alone. I think I have these dreams because I still love him. He is the father to my child. I also want my family back. I didn't want this. I hate that I and my son are another divorce statistic. But it happened. And as much as I have these daydreams I know that the reality is that knock will never come. And honestly, I don't think I want it to.
But I know what you mean. I feel that sadness. We are mourning a loss.
I wish you happiness.
So, you are not alone. I think I have these dreams because I still love him. He is the father to my child. I also want my family back. I didn't want this. I hate that I and my son are another divorce statistic. But it happened. And as much as I have these daydreams I know that the reality is that knock will never come. And honestly, I don't think I want it to. But I know what you mean. I feel that sadness. We are mourning a loss.
I wish you happiness.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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There is still a small part of me that wishes my ex AGF would smarten up and admit she made a mistake in doing what she did. But even then, I don't trust a thing that comes out of her mouth. It's quite something to discover that my relationship with her was, essentially, one big lie. Doesn't matter how much I loved her. Doesn't matter how contrite she could be. To reopen that door invites pain. And I've had enough of that over the past year to last a lifetime.
I have to take care of myself. So do you. And I sincerely hope you do.
Zoso
I have to take care of myself. So do you. And I sincerely hope you do.
Zoso
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Posts: 390
i think what would help me is making up my mind about whether he is a good guy beneath the addiction or just a bad guy regardless of the addiction. the "facts" as Anvil put it are leaning toward the latter, but i just am not quite ready to face it just yet.
Or what about a bad guy because of the addiction. I just say this because my AH was a great guy for most of our relationship. He was my best friend and I trusted fully. He is now an addict and unwilling to lay pride aside and see it. So right now, he is not being a good person, and if he doesn't address his issues he may never be again. Truth is, I think my AH is also stuck on who he was. You should hear him describe himself!
Thanks for the support too!
Or what about a bad guy because of the addiction. I just say this because my AH was a great guy for most of our relationship. He was my best friend and I trusted fully. He is now an addict and unwilling to lay pride aside and see it. So right now, he is not being a good person, and if he doesn't address his issues he may never be again. Truth is, I think my AH is also stuck on who he was. You should hear him describe himself!
Thanks for the support too!
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rachelwahlen,
thank you for your prayers and support.
i think that the knowledge that i "have to let go" as you said is probably what started me feeling so sad. you are absolutely right. i am at the point where no matter how many excuses i find for holding on, deep down i know that i'm gonna have to let go. and that is what makes me feel sad.
it will be all right, though. time heals everything, they say.
thank you for sharing your story with me. it makes it easier to go through emotions. hugs and prayers to you and your family.
thank you for your prayers and support.
i think that the knowledge that i "have to let go" as you said is probably what started me feeling so sad. you are absolutely right. i am at the point where no matter how many excuses i find for holding on, deep down i know that i'm gonna have to let go. and that is what makes me feel sad.
it will be all right, though. time heals everything, they say.
thank you for sharing your story with me. it makes it easier to go through emotions. hugs and prayers to you and your family.
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Kindeyes,
thank you for the advice. and yes it is true, today is a new day. i do feel better, still sad, but better. and with time, i will be less sad and more better i hope.
thank you for your continuous support. hugs and prayers to you.
thank you for the advice. and yes it is true, today is a new day. i do feel better, still sad, but better. and with time, i will be less sad and more better i hope.
thank you for your continuous support. hugs and prayers to you.
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story74,
thank you for replying. and OMG we have the same fantasy. mine just doesn't knock on my door b/c he doesn't know where i live. lol. i am hoping for a text with the same words, that's why i'm still checking them after all this time (that's my excuse anyways, lol).
and you know what, similar to what you said, if my AH did show up saying all these words that i want to hear so bad, it would probably scare the c**p out of me b/c then i really wouldn't know what to do. so maybe i should appreciate the little peace and knowledge that i do have.
thank you for your support and encouragement. and in time, i hope that happiness and peace outweigh all the pain and sadness for all of us. hugs to you.
thank you for replying. and OMG we have the same fantasy. mine just doesn't knock on my door b/c he doesn't know where i live. lol. i am hoping for a text with the same words, that's why i'm still checking them after all this time (that's my excuse anyways, lol).
and you know what, similar to what you said, if my AH did show up saying all these words that i want to hear so bad, it would probably scare the c**p out of me b/c then i really wouldn't know what to do. so maybe i should appreciate the little peace and knowledge that i do have.
thank you for your support and encouragement. and in time, i hope that happiness and peace outweigh all the pain and sadness for all of us. hugs to you.
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