My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 5
My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic
Hi everyone! My name is Emma and this is my first time here. My boyfriend was an alcoholic for years. He finally decided to give up alcohol at the beginning of the new year as a new years resolution so he would have money to pay bills. I was and still am very proud of him for making that decision. It's is not an easy thing to do. We've been together for almost 2 years now and I never complained about him drinking because I didn't want to make it worse.
When he told me he was planning to give up alcohol near the beginning of december, I was happy and supporting his decision 100%. I was just un-sure of how our relationship would be affected. He had been on probation due to a DUI for a year, and he was cleared off of that this past September. Whenever he would have to go meet with his probation officer, he knew he would have to do a urine test and for that he reason, he wouldn't drink either of the 2 nights before his meeting. It was MISERABLE to deal with him during those times. He wouldn't call me and he tried to sleep away those two days to make it easier on himself. So when he told me he was going to give up drinking, this was one of the first things I had thought of.
Now that he is 22 days into his recovery, he is doing better. He used alcohol to sleep since it was somewhat of a depressant. Without alcohol, he has trouble sleeping. So he has been taking this natural sleeping pill called melatonin. Which I was fine with. However, becuase I am in school full time and he is working full time, the only days we're able to see each other and hangout are on friday and saturday nights. So when we're together on those nights, I want to make the most of the time we have and we would usually hangout for at least 5 hours each night. But since he has not been drinking we'll hangout on friday and saturday nights for maybe 2 hours and he'll say he is tired and wants to sleep. He'll call me at night during the week if I'm lucky. He usually falls asleep around 7. I wouldn't mind if it was like that during the week, but during those 2 nights, I would really love for him to stay awake a little longer. I can't tell if he's tired of me or if not having alcohol is doing this? You have to understand, I literally see him 2 nights a week for 2 hours IF I'm lucky. He rarely texts me during the week and call's IF i'm lucky. But it didn't use to be this way.
Does this have anything to do with him being sober? Do you think this phase that he is going through will pass. I don't know what to do, but it's frustrating and I don't think I knew what I was getting myself into! Thank you so much for reading this!
When he told me he was planning to give up alcohol near the beginning of december, I was happy and supporting his decision 100%. I was just un-sure of how our relationship would be affected. He had been on probation due to a DUI for a year, and he was cleared off of that this past September. Whenever he would have to go meet with his probation officer, he knew he would have to do a urine test and for that he reason, he wouldn't drink either of the 2 nights before his meeting. It was MISERABLE to deal with him during those times. He wouldn't call me and he tried to sleep away those two days to make it easier on himself. So when he told me he was going to give up drinking, this was one of the first things I had thought of.
Now that he is 22 days into his recovery, he is doing better. He used alcohol to sleep since it was somewhat of a depressant. Without alcohol, he has trouble sleeping. So he has been taking this natural sleeping pill called melatonin. Which I was fine with. However, becuase I am in school full time and he is working full time, the only days we're able to see each other and hangout are on friday and saturday nights. So when we're together on those nights, I want to make the most of the time we have and we would usually hangout for at least 5 hours each night. But since he has not been drinking we'll hangout on friday and saturday nights for maybe 2 hours and he'll say he is tired and wants to sleep. He'll call me at night during the week if I'm lucky. He usually falls asleep around 7. I wouldn't mind if it was like that during the week, but during those 2 nights, I would really love for him to stay awake a little longer. I can't tell if he's tired of me or if not having alcohol is doing this? You have to understand, I literally see him 2 nights a week for 2 hours IF I'm lucky. He rarely texts me during the week and call's IF i'm lucky. But it didn't use to be this way.
Does this have anything to do with him being sober? Do you think this phase that he is going through will pass. I don't know what to do, but it's frustrating and I don't think I knew what I was getting myself into! Thank you so much for reading this!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I have read on here and heard people say that during early recovery, being very tired is common. I don't know if it's bc the crash from not having all those carbs and sugar from the alcohol in your system is a crash or if it's psychological/depression etc... but yes, I believe it's really common for there to be additional tiredness in early recovery.
I had only a short period of time with my AH when he was sober (and it was sort of white knuckling it kind of sobriety) and for all the al anon I attended, I never got any hint of what I should expect during early recovery.
I think a huge flaw of al anon is that while the focus should be squarely on ourselves, and it is, there is also a lot of confusion by a lot of al anon members about precisely what you describe. Even a little pamphlet saying "here's what some predictable early sobriety behaviors are" would help a lot.
Anyway, that's an aside.... Sounds like your boyfriend is trying to live healthier. Do you have support around for you?
I had only a short period of time with my AH when he was sober (and it was sort of white knuckling it kind of sobriety) and for all the al anon I attended, I never got any hint of what I should expect during early recovery.
I think a huge flaw of al anon is that while the focus should be squarely on ourselves, and it is, there is also a lot of confusion by a lot of al anon members about precisely what you describe. Even a little pamphlet saying "here's what some predictable early sobriety behaviors are" would help a lot.
Anyway, that's an aside.... Sounds like your boyfriend is trying to live healthier. Do you have support around for you?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Hello Emma,
From my past experience with a husband who was white-knuckling it not to drink--without any treatment or AA support--the decision not to drink will likely be unsuccessful. Statistically he is likely to start drinking again. He also may be lying to you about his sobriety.
He is not recovering. Recovery is a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual transformation of the compulsion to drink and the issues underlying the need to numb oneself.
The important thing is that you educate yourself so to have your eyes wide open in the event of future crisis, which is bound to come without vigorous daily action on his part to recover from the disease. You are being set up to enable him and to sink into codependency.
If you read the links above ("Sticky") you will learn much that will help you avoid being blindsided, manipulated, and confused in relationship with an alcoholic.
Wishing you a better relationship of mutual respect, mutual commitment, and mutual recovery.
From my past experience with a husband who was white-knuckling it not to drink--without any treatment or AA support--the decision not to drink will likely be unsuccessful. Statistically he is likely to start drinking again. He also may be lying to you about his sobriety.
He is not recovering. Recovery is a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual transformation of the compulsion to drink and the issues underlying the need to numb oneself.
The important thing is that you educate yourself so to have your eyes wide open in the event of future crisis, which is bound to come without vigorous daily action on his part to recover from the disease. You are being set up to enable him and to sink into codependency.
If you read the links above ("Sticky") you will learn much that will help you avoid being blindsided, manipulated, and confused in relationship with an alcoholic.
Wishing you a better relationship of mutual respect, mutual commitment, and mutual recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Hello Emma, welcome to you, so glad you are here.
After reading the stickies at the top you may want to consider counseling and/or al-anon so you can get a better feeling about his disease and how you react to it.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
After reading the stickies at the top you may want to consider counseling and/or al-anon so you can get a better feeling about his disease and how you react to it.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
My XABF was very tired after returning from detox and four months of being in a sober living house. He had no energy and I rarely heard from him for several months. I was so naive about what happens after sobriety and I was expecting him to be 'all better.' He had a very hard time living sober both physically and emotionally and became depressed. Somewhere around the 11th month he started to feel better and he explained to me how bad he had felt and how hard it was for him to adjust without the alcohol. I'd suggest reading up on as much as you can about what happens afterward. The nutritional deficiencies may show up as in lack of B vitamins and even testosterone, which need to be addressed by him. I wasn't expecting such a huge change and I wish I would have been more informed as to what to possibly expect as I wasn't very nice to him when he came home. I felt rejected, abandoned, and resentful but now I know why he was the way he was.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I'm a recovering addict, with an alcoholic bf who is in and out of sobriety.
First thing I will tell you is this. If you got into a relationship with someone in active addiction, you, and they, have NO clue who they will be or what the relationship will be like when the substance is removed.
Honestly, as hard as this may be to hear, you no longer have a relationship with the man you knew before. Neither does he. That's scary for him to, because first he has to get to know who he is, and then he has to decide whether or not he is willing to stay in a relationship with who he is or not. Some days I want to "divorce myself".
It is very common for addicts and their partners to assume that the substance is their issue and take it out and all will be well.
You have valid needs. And it is right for you to see that they get met. Understand that he may truly be incapable of meeting them. That does not mean that you must wait around until he is. Get support, and information, and decide what you want for yourself and how to best take care of yourself.
Don't hitch your wagon full of dreams to an addict. It's really hard for me to say this, as a recovering addict myself, who hurts really bad over people and things I've lost due to addiction. But it is the truth.
You are not responsible for him, and if staying with him is harming you. set yourself free.
First thing I will tell you is this. If you got into a relationship with someone in active addiction, you, and they, have NO clue who they will be or what the relationship will be like when the substance is removed.
Honestly, as hard as this may be to hear, you no longer have a relationship with the man you knew before. Neither does he. That's scary for him to, because first he has to get to know who he is, and then he has to decide whether or not he is willing to stay in a relationship with who he is or not. Some days I want to "divorce myself".
It is very common for addicts and their partners to assume that the substance is their issue and take it out and all will be well.
You have valid needs. And it is right for you to see that they get met. Understand that he may truly be incapable of meeting them. That does not mean that you must wait around until he is. Get support, and information, and decide what you want for yourself and how to best take care of yourself.
Don't hitch your wagon full of dreams to an addict. It's really hard for me to say this, as a recovering addict myself, who hurts really bad over people and things I've lost due to addiction. But it is the truth.
You are not responsible for him, and if staying with him is harming you. set yourself free.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Does this have anything to do with him being sober? Do you think this phase that he is going through will pass. I don't know what to do, but it's frustrating and I don't think I knew what I was getting myself into! Thank you so much for reading this!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
You might want to read this, about alcoholism and New Years resolutions...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-drinking.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-drinking.html
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Folks, you do realize that many people who were once addicted to alcohol have quit drinking, and transformed their lives, by using approaches other than AA, right?
Many, perhaps most, of us need a plan, some help, some support, and a new way of approaching life in order successfully achieve long term, contented abstinence. But there are so many different ways for that to happen! People quit drinking through SMART Recovery, Rational Recovery (AVRT), LifeRing, SOS, Women for Sobriety, and sometimes through nothing more than the support they receive right here on SR. In fact, according to a recent poll on this site, the majority of people here on SR are not in AA.
Many, perhaps most, of us need a plan, some help, some support, and a new way of approaching life in order successfully achieve long term, contented abstinence. But there are so many different ways for that to happen! People quit drinking through SMART Recovery, Rational Recovery (AVRT), LifeRing, SOS, Women for Sobriety, and sometimes through nothing more than the support they receive right here on SR. In fact, according to a recent poll on this site, the majority of people here on SR are not in AA.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Correcting my post per onlythetruth:
AA is not the only way. There are other means of support.
Getting sober alone, without any kind of support, usually is unsuccessful. It is a very powerful uncontrollable compulsion. But there are a variety of sources for support (melatonin is not one).
I hope he finds the help best suited to him.
God bless.
AA is not the only way. There are other means of support.
Getting sober alone, without any kind of support, usually is unsuccessful. It is a very powerful uncontrollable compulsion. But there are a variety of sources for support (melatonin is not one).
I hope he finds the help best suited to him.
God bless.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Emma))) - welcome to SR!
FWIW, I'm both an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codie (codependent) who has, and has had, loved ones who are A's (addicts/alcoholics).
I have to admit, my first concern is that you never complained about his drinking because you "didn't want to make it worse". His drinking and whether he gets worse or better is totally on him. There was nothing, absolutely nothing, that anyone did or said that made me use (though I DID use those things as excuses), just like there is nothing that would make me use, today, short of holding a gun to my head and threatening to kill me if I didn't use.
It sounds like you've never known him when he wasn't drinking. You, honestly, have no idea the person he is without a drink. He could become a great person. On the other hand, he may have issues that remain without the alcohol.
There are all kinds of ways a person can find recovery. I incorporated a little of this, a little of that, and a LOT of SR. Thing is, it's MY recovery - no one else can do it for me, but then no one else gets to feel how awesome it feels when I do the right stuff and move forward.
With the A's in my life, I had to take a serious look at codependency. I had to lose the illusion that I could make a difference in their recovery, or lack of. Sure, I know all about addiction, lived it first hand. It doesn't help with the feelings I have regarding those I love who are still lost in it.
Addiction (whether alcohol or drugs) is a lifelong thing. We don't get cured, we have a daily reprieve as long as we stay in recovery.
You want to have more "us time". He probably isn't in a position to do this. His body is adjusting to years of being drowned in alcohol. He may be tired, he also may be using sleep as a way to get through or avoid feelings that have come out of the woodwork.
Despite how it feels, this is not personal toward you. Without being an A, you will never understand how he feels, what he is going through. Heck, I AM an RA, but when it comes to someone I love? I still question "why doesn't he/she just GET IT!!!!"
If you want to continue this relationship, you're basically going to have to accept the person he is..today, tomorrow, etc. Stopping the drink/drug is just the beginning. Later on, when all the feelings arise, life throws things at us, it's more about not picking back up again.
The best thing you can do, IMO, is decide if this is all okay with you. Read through the stickies and the forum. Are you okay with knowing that the way he is now may be the way he is a few months from now? Are you okay worrying about something bad happening and he returns to the drink? Are you okay with being second in his life, after recovery? Because, in all honesty, my recovery is the biggest priority I have - without it, I have nothing.
I'm not saying that it can't work. Recovery is not something I really think about every day (I have almost 5 years), it's just the way I live. I do know, though, that my desires and needs are just as important as anyone else's in a relationship. If someone can't meet those, regardless of what the reason is, I have to decide if it's in my best interest over the long run.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
FWIW, I'm both an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codie (codependent) who has, and has had, loved ones who are A's (addicts/alcoholics).
I have to admit, my first concern is that you never complained about his drinking because you "didn't want to make it worse". His drinking and whether he gets worse or better is totally on him. There was nothing, absolutely nothing, that anyone did or said that made me use (though I DID use those things as excuses), just like there is nothing that would make me use, today, short of holding a gun to my head and threatening to kill me if I didn't use.
It sounds like you've never known him when he wasn't drinking. You, honestly, have no idea the person he is without a drink. He could become a great person. On the other hand, he may have issues that remain without the alcohol.
There are all kinds of ways a person can find recovery. I incorporated a little of this, a little of that, and a LOT of SR. Thing is, it's MY recovery - no one else can do it for me, but then no one else gets to feel how awesome it feels when I do the right stuff and move forward.
With the A's in my life, I had to take a serious look at codependency. I had to lose the illusion that I could make a difference in their recovery, or lack of. Sure, I know all about addiction, lived it first hand. It doesn't help with the feelings I have regarding those I love who are still lost in it.
Addiction (whether alcohol or drugs) is a lifelong thing. We don't get cured, we have a daily reprieve as long as we stay in recovery.
You want to have more "us time". He probably isn't in a position to do this. His body is adjusting to years of being drowned in alcohol. He may be tired, he also may be using sleep as a way to get through or avoid feelings that have come out of the woodwork.
Despite how it feels, this is not personal toward you. Without being an A, you will never understand how he feels, what he is going through. Heck, I AM an RA, but when it comes to someone I love? I still question "why doesn't he/she just GET IT!!!!"
If you want to continue this relationship, you're basically going to have to accept the person he is..today, tomorrow, etc. Stopping the drink/drug is just the beginning. Later on, when all the feelings arise, life throws things at us, it's more about not picking back up again.
The best thing you can do, IMO, is decide if this is all okay with you. Read through the stickies and the forum. Are you okay with knowing that the way he is now may be the way he is a few months from now? Are you okay worrying about something bad happening and he returns to the drink? Are you okay with being second in his life, after recovery? Because, in all honesty, my recovery is the biggest priority I have - without it, I have nothing.
I'm not saying that it can't work. Recovery is not something I really think about every day (I have almost 5 years), it's just the way I live. I do know, though, that my desires and needs are just as important as anyone else's in a relationship. If someone can't meet those, regardless of what the reason is, I have to decide if it's in my best interest over the long run.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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