Ms.TimmyV

Has anyone had this frame of thinking? That you were going to prove your family (and sometimes others) wrong and show them that you were an awesome person? Or you have all these accomplishments, how could they not love and accept you?

If you have done this how long did it take for it to click that it will never, ever work? It took me 30 years!

Willybluedog

I think mine has always leaned more towards earning their approval, my sister was always the one who got their praise, now that we are both grown I am the sane repsonsible one and she's acting like an idiot (bought a bar, married a thief, etc.) so now the roles have reversed and they say to her, why can't you be more like your brother, they will never just accept us for who we are.

JustAYak

I'm still waiting for it to click...not that I am very accomplished in my life. But I always thought that if I followed all the crazy rules in our house (ex: never ask for anything you need, ever) then I would be loved, but I wasn't. I am tempted to write all of the rules out, so they can lay before my eyes and I can see how truly crazy I am for thinking that following them would somehow make them love me. Unconditional love doesn't exist in my family. I need to accept that and move on to better things!!

Thanks for the post.

bluebelle

Yep, all those unwritten rules that you have to follow so that you can receive approval and love. I know all about those. I was probably 30 before I realized that no matter how hard I tried to follow the rules, I was never going to receive that approval.

I've found that it gets a little easier as I get older. I am less likely to follow the "rules," and less likely to care. I think that I'm more concerned with trying to make my own goals and live up to my expectations.

Plath

Not so much. My idea of "I'll show you!" was to totally self-destruct, starting at age 15, become an IV drug user/heroin addict, and proceed to explain to them that I was only fulfilling the prophecy they had laid out for me.

I still use mildly self-destructive methods of coping with my anger, but they're mostly self-care and health related. That doesn't make them acceptable methods of coping with my anger, obviously. I was on a good track for a while, all organic, vegetarian food, good health habits, etc., but I've sort of regressed with my self-care.

So yeah, not so much. My "I'll show you!" was more of an "F-You!" that didn't work very well in my favor...except that, had I not resorted to some of those coping mechanisms, I probably never would have realized that I had problems to address in the first place. So, I'm grateful for all of that.

Kialua

I never had that desire, but when I got out of my childhood home I took life on, got married, went to school, did what I wanted. My family was not in my mindset.

My MIL was my biggest problem, I didn't know how to relate to a family that wanted contact, haha. She wanted weekly contact but she was constant disapproval of me. We took them on a fancy trip to Hawaii with us once staying an the Hilton north shore championship golf course resort. When I asked her at the end of the trip how she liked it she put her nose in the air and said, "It aint no better than going up north to the lake at home." One time I ran an entire Sunday School Christmas play and invited her to it. Feeling so proud going to meet her the first thing she said was how awful it was! I was devastated and ran out hiding in the set and just sobbed. I had tried my hardest to get her approval and she just couldn't give it. She tried to put it off on the writing, the set, the costumes, well duh I did it all! Well I finally went on without needing her approval because I realized no matter how much I did it was never going to be enough. So after 25 years we finally started to co-exist just fine. She is a great grandmother and I am grateful for that much. No expectations no disappointments.

@ SpeedyJason I LOVE the idea of writing down the unwritten rules! What a good idea.