Fdm

I totally failed this week. I thought that I was mentally ready to stop drinking, but I failed again.

I often find myself thinking of the negative effects of drinking...weight gain, the effect on my cholesterol, sleeplessness, depression, sluggishness, etc, etc.

But, when the 430-500 PM strikes, it's like a switch goes off in my head, telling me it's time to drink.

I drink beer, usually 4 a night, but they are strong, and it renders me useless. I can't drive, I couldn't answer a call if I was needed, etc.

I have tried this week to find some old/new interests to keep me busy. I have gotten back into my love of firearms and military history stuff, and I tried to start reading again.

I just feel like a weakling. I'm usually pretty squared away when it comes to stuff like money, but, I suck at motivation to stop drinking.

I hold a very visible public position in a small town, so I would not feel comfortable in meetings. (Don't flog me)

I guess I need some encouragement on this rainy, dreary Saturday.

Ghostlight

Don't be too hard on yourself. Many of us have tried and failed.
It took me years to stop drinking, after countless tries for sobriety.

Don't give up! Today is a new day and you were given another chance at sobriety.

Just don't drink today, then repeat. You can do it, many of us here have.

Best to you.

langkah

Keep deciding not to drink anymore. In view of your special circumstances that's about all you can do.

Of course that means you're going to miss meeting up with your town's movers and shakers who are in AA staying sober.

nonblondechef

I disagree that you failed. You didn't tuck tail and run A misstep on a rocky road may be a sprain but not a break. Keep your spirits up and keep posting - you are important to all of us! Happy Weekend **-:

James18

You're not on your own. I managed two days after I vowed to stop. I drank three times this week and pretty much overdid it every time. I'm disappointed and not sure I'm capable of stopping. I fall at the first hurdle/opportunity to drink.

ReadyAndAble

I think almost everyone goes through that. I know I did. Fear and avoidance are powerful motivators for some people, but for me, it wasn't enough to simply want to stop drinking. I had to want to start being sober. When it stopped being about giving up drink, and became about getting my life back, that's when things finally clicked. That shift in perspective also made it easier for me to see the mental struggle as between me and my addictive voice, instead of me battling against myself.

The old mental argument was this: "I shouldn't have a drink. But I really want a drink. But I shouldn't because I'm drinking too much, it's bad for my health, I look like hell, I feel like hell, and it's hurting my relationships. But I really want a drink—what's the harm in having one tonight? But I shouldn't. But I want to..."

Then it became: "I want to be sober. I want to be healthy and happy and free. I want to feel good about myself. I don't want to drink at all—that's just the addiction talking. I can hear it telling me "what's the harm in having one tonight?" So what. It can sing its siren song as long and as loud as it wants, I won't listen, and it's powerless to make me do anything. I see through its lies now. And I see I'm not really torn over this at all. I want to be sober."

How do you want your life to be? How do you imagine spending your nights without alcohol in your life? Picture yourself free of alcohol, doing the things you want to do. Maybe you could focus on that—the upside of sobriety instead of just the downside of drinking. I know those end-of-day urges all too well, but trust me, they fade in time. You stay sober all day long. We're just talking about a few hours at day's end. The urges are strong at first, and resisting them is uncomfortable for a while, but it's not actually painful when you think about it, and they really do fade. You can do this, really.

needtostop1

I am in the same boat. I keep strong and then boom... it happens. Ive too tried to start up old activties and the moment i find myself over thinking... its like its ok. But I know its not.
Please dont be hard on yourself. These boards are great to come to and just chat and post. I find myself coming on these boards in the middle of the night, especially on t hose nights I cannot sleep. Its helps with the stress and the anxiety.
Keep it real... keep smiling. and know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

sugarbear1

It seems to me that you enjoy your pain. I live near dc, that hasn't stopped high profile people from helping themselves by coming to meetings....you must be important....

Luckyv2

The only time that I would say I am a Failure is if I ever quit trying.

No matter what or how many times I relapsed I never gave up trying to get it. IMHO it isn't the days it is the journey and the quality of the life we are learning to live. We stumble, we get up.

Anna

You're not a weakling. Alcoholism is not a character defect, it's a disease.

The really hard time for me was 6:30/7pm, just after dinner. I had to force myself out of the house at that time and began taking long walks. The rewards were huge. Maybe try finding something specific to do at 4:30/5pm.

Lind

Don't be so down on yourself FDM!! You did the right thing by coming to this site!! I am on my 6th day sober and have learned alot here!! Like you my trigger time was 4:30-5:00! What has helped me is to come to SR during that time. Also I now have substituted the red wine for a glass of gingerale!! It also helps to keep busy during this time! I loved what chance said!!! It really sums things up!!! You can do this!!! Be strong!! Lind

Fdm

I'm going to take a nap, and when I wake up, I may pour the last 8 beers out .I just bought a 12 pack yesterday, so I may feel like I threw my money away.

Dee74

Maybe you're like me and trying to find some old/new interests to keep me busy just isn't enough to keep you sober?

I'm not flogging you but there are ways around the 'public persona' thing if you think AA might be your thing. Going to meetings in a different town for example.

You could also try any one of the many other methods of recovery - SMART, Rational Recovery, LifeRing, SOS, CelebrateRecovery (Christian).

I know AA Lifering and SMART offer online meetings...and Rational Recovery has no meetings at all.

If what you're doing isn't enough - and you really want to change your life - think about adding something else - there really is more than enough to choose from fdm

D

ReadyAndAble

Look at it saving $$$$ on the next 1,000 beers, Fdm.

2granddaughters

I think you know what you have to do. I suggest getting down on your knees tonight and asking God for the strength to take that first step.
Wishing you the best in recovery.

Bob R.

Luckyv2

I would rather you wast the money and live than drink them and maybe die...

Keeping you in my Prayers And Thoughts!

jocata

Hope you can find something that works for you fdm. I know I can't do it on my own. I don't know too many people who can. Find a program and stick with it.

God bless.

Hevyn

Fdm - it sounds like you're disgusted with this whole thing. It's so hard to admit when it's no longer fun or relaxing. I don't know why we cling to it so hard when the old euphoria just isn't coming back. I hope you'll feel more determined after your nap & that the beer will go down the drain.

instant

FDM
Self flagellation / critisism is part of the problem, I think it stops people getting objective, and stay mired in the constant struggle for quick relief.

Even if you do not want to go to AA read the big book.

There is a way through this. In my view making a decision and an unconditional surrender to whatever sobriety brings are central.

choublak

That's because you've been drinking for so long your brain makes that association...you've got to re-train your brain...takes time...


No flogging intended, just food for thought.

Ah. You're afraid of what people might think, no? But see, you don't know what others are going to think - you're just speculating. People might actually think highly of you, because you're actually doing something about your problem. In any case, people would think worse of you if you, say, drove drunk and hurt/killed someone, than if you were seen at an AA meeting.