Looking for Guidance/Advice

Old 01-20-2012, 09:12 AM
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Looking for Guidance/Advice

I've been seeing my bf for about 3 months now and he's been sober for almost 2 of those months. In the past 2-3 weeks he has been making comments/asking questions like "I wish I could still have a beer and shoot some pool." or "I don't understand why I can never drink again." and "I believe I'm strong enough to control just having one or two here and there." This really worries me because I don't want him to slide back into drinking.His drink of choice was vodka and he had been drinking a litter bottle everyday for a couple years.

I've suggested going to AA and I tell him that even one might undo his progress but he seems confident he can control it because he no longer has the "physical need for it". I know that I can't force him to a meeting and I can't stop him from drinking.I guess I'm just running thin on ideas and I'm having trouble being supportive as I should be when I feel lost myself.Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 01-20-2012, 09:20 AM
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My advice is to attend al-alon.

Read the book Co-Dependent No More

Read the stickies at the top.

Keep posting here at SR.

Figure out what your boundaries are regarding drinking, being with or around him when he is drinking, specific behaviors. Boundaries are hard - you might need to look into those more. Post if you have questions. He is surely going to start drinking again so be prepared.

What do you need from a relationship partner? Make a real list. Is this man, as he is today, fulfilling the items on your list? What about when he drinks? Dating is about getting to know a person, finding out if they are a good match, and if they are not you set them free. You keep looking. You can't change him. He is who he is.

Welcome to SR. There is lots of support here. More good peeps will be along soon.
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Old 01-20-2012, 10:13 AM
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Thank you for the reply.

I know I can't change him and I try to be as supportive as possible.I told him one day one that I was not going to rescue him because he wasn't possible.He needed to get sober for himself not me.

As for your comment about him drinking again,its very possible. I do know he has already had one slip.He bought a drink the other day and consumed about 1/3 of it before his conscious and guilt kicked in. He told me as soon as I got home from work that day.

I think he is mostly overwhelmed about all the changes taking place. He has lost at least one friend b/c they "don't know how to act around him" and the fact that he now has to re-organize his life now that the vodka doesn't rule every second.

I did find a local Al-Anon meeting in my area which I plan to attend this week.I am curious would it be a good idea for me to attend an AA meeting until then without him? For my own insights and maybe some tips on getting him to a meeting?
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Old 01-20-2012, 12:42 PM
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juicica, welcome to you, glad you are here.

In my opinion I would stay away from trying to get him to a meeting, he is a grown man, it's his choice to drink or not, and to go to AA or not.

You, as a grown woman, it's your choice whether to tolerate his drinking, set your own boundaries, and work on your own issues, I think the biggest mistakes you could make would be to enable him and mother him.

I hope you will work on yourself, I have had excellent luck with counseling, and I know Al-anon has been a hug help for many here.

Best of luck to you.

Bill
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Old 01-20-2012, 01:17 PM
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Thank you for the reply.

I will admit that I do have a "rescue" issue.I like to try to come into situations and either fix the problem or rescue the person involved.I am working on this but it's def not easy lol. I have been working on setting up some boundaries so I guess that is my step one.Step two will be telling him those boundaries tonight.Fun,fun,fun.............
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Old 01-20-2012, 02:02 PM
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Welcome to SR, and I'd like to suggest another book for you too, "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

My need to "rescue" and "fix" brought me much pain over the years. I spent 5 years with my EXAH thinking if I just loved him enough, was kind enough, was patient enough, was supportive enough that he would change.

That kind of thinking almost killed me.

I hope you are able to work on your codependency issues. Although there are open AA meetings where non-alcoholics can attend, I'd highly suggest you not attend those meetings until you have some solid Alanon under your belt.

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 01-22-2012, 12:49 PM
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Thank you for the reply.

After much arguing this weekend things have finally settled down. Friday night at his request we went out and listened to some live music. He had 5 beers total and we went home. The next day at band practice he had another 5 or 6 beers. Saturday night was when things blew up for lack of a better term. Its a subject we have decided to agree to disagree on. He said he never wants to be that hooked again. Says he doesn't want to wake up each morning needing alcohol to survive he just wants to have a few beers once in awhile.

We did set some boundaries which no he didn't like but I'm not budging. At this point only time will tell what will really happen. I will say this much I promised myself a long time ago I would never stay in a relationship if it made me unhappy and although I love him very much, this situation is no exception. I really appreciate everyone's advice and support =)
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Old 01-22-2012, 07:43 PM
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I have done a lot of open AA meetings, but it was after significant Al-anon under my belt. Both have been really helpful but I had to get the rescuing down from a Hurricane type warning system to a tropical storm first.
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Old 01-22-2012, 08:04 PM
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We all know what having a few beers will lead to. It will be a few more and a few more and a few more. It doesn't sound like he has truly accepted the fact that he is an alcoholic. It would be a good idea if you become as prepared as possible as to what you will do when it progresses and learn as much as you can about alcoholic behavior to be able to take care of yourself and to be able to see the signs of progression.
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Old 01-24-2012, 10:06 AM
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Well things have been calmer since Saturday. He also hasn't had anymore beer or anything else since as he is broke and I don't keep it in the house anymore. I know he could get it if he really wanted to but no red flags yet.

It's actually been enjoyable the past couple days.He is more relaxed and although I keep the thought of "what if" in the back of my mind, I'm enjoying each day and I will deal with any issues as they arise and not a moment sooner. I really appreciate everyone's support and advice.I'm def keeping SR under my favorites!
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Old 01-24-2012, 11:14 AM
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I know that I have options and your right 3 months isn't very long. The only reason I haven't chosen another option yet is because he and I do have a very deep connection. I will let him try this experiment his way but I have already told him I will leave if I need to and I will.I've been mistreated in relationships before and I refuse to be a victim. What kills me is I watched him every morning throw up if he didn't get vodka into his system ASAP and I've also set on his bedside every night that he was in detox and watched him go through withdrawals. I will not repeat either phase no matter how much I love him. Maybe this makes me heartless idk.
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Old 01-24-2012, 11:35 AM
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Its traumatic to watch someone go through detox, so no it's not heartless of you.
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Old 01-24-2012, 01:30 PM
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Since you asked for advice I will break one of my rules and give some.

He had to go to detox because he is addicted to alcohol. He is now drinking again.

RUN AWAY.

I was married to and lived with an alcoholic for 36 years. The 1st 15 to 20 were OK but then it went down hill fast and I found myself living in hell. Detoxes, rehabs, hospital emergency room visits, anger, tears and a life where I thought I had no choices and only death would end my suffering. I finally woke up, realized I had choices and left her about 9 months ago.

I would not wish what I went through on anyone. You have the opportunity to get out before it gets like that.

Your friend,
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Old 01-27-2012, 07:48 AM
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Well I attempted to go to my first Al-Anon meeting last night. Got there and found out that there hasn't been a meeting in several weeks and no one knew for sure if they were even still going on. Maybe lack of attendance? I do happen to live in a small town. I think I'm gonna try to go to one about 25 mins away this sunday. Any tips or advice for a first timer?
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Old 01-27-2012, 08:29 AM
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My only al anon tip is try out several meetings. I live in a small town too. There are many many AA meetings and two al anon ones. One is during the day and I work. So that leaves one. I don't love it and don't go regularly. But I did at first and have a sponsor and work with her a LOT and come here a lot.

Don't feel you have to love al anon right away or a meeting if it doesn't sit well. Try out several different meetings (I did find several outside of my town I like but it is not always practical to go bc I am alone with my kids and not always able to get a sitter to go) would be my advice.

And come here often and read a lot. This site has been invaluable to me in my on going attempts to recover from codependency and being as sick as my AH in my enabling and distorted thinking.
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Old 01-27-2012, 09:07 AM
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Look we are told in Alanon not to give advice...but it is okay to share what works for us during the difficult times...

But...

there is something to say for helping someone else avoid all the pain and heartache that comes with loving an A.

This is your bf.
You have no history with this man, no children, no reason to stay.

My A has been in recovery for 18 months after almost 20 yrs of HELL.
I've had to scurry my kids in my car and tell them to lock the doors to rush them to my moms so they didn't have to witness their fathers irrational and pure crazy behavior.
I've had to listen to him scream at THEM...that he's so sorry that they have a crazy C#$% Bi#%^ of a mother.
I've seen him throw plates of food because I didn't answer a question with the response he wanted.
I've stayed up all night worrying about where he was and what he was doing when he didn't come home after work...or at all that night.
I've seen him lie to my face. Bold face lies about whether he had been drinking behind my back.
I've watched him stumble out of bed and **** right there in the middle of the bedroom and then deny he did it in the morning.
I've listened to him struggling to not puke all night long and cried myself to sleep praying he wouldn't suffocate on his own vomit so that I didn't have to wake up w/ him dead next to me.
Do I need to go on?
Really? Do I?

Recovery is a whole new hell.
It's all about him.
What he wants, what he thinks he deserves.
Why think about things like bills and responsibilities? I mean all he should have to think about is his sobriety...according to him anyway.

Should I have left? HELL YES!
And I'm going to tell you to.
Run!
Get the hell out of there now!!!
Sure he's 'sober' now but without a program, any program his chances of success are slim to none.
You can't save him.
But you can save yourself.
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